choose wisely...

Another month has come and gone, Annabeth. I looked at your “one month” picture today and could hardly believe you were ever that small. Your first month of life was not the easiest. Of course, being a first time mom is really difficult and confusing, so I am thankful that you didn’t know any different. You were five and a half pounds on the day you were born, and when I took you in for your one month well check you hadn’t even gained a full pound. You didn’t care much about eating, and you still don’t. But even with pictures as proof, I can’t remember you being that small. Your dad and I still laugh about some of our memories from your early days. We had no idea what we were doing, but we’ve always tried our best and we always will.

One of my favorite new parent memories from your first few weeks of life came from your dad. I was so tired, and because he has always been great to step up and help me out in any way needed, he told me to go to bed and volunteered stay up with you until you fell asleep. I don’t know what the “fad” will be when you have children, but currently we are stuck in this “all natural” phase that I hope lightens up sooner than later. I really did try to breastfeed you but it wasn’t working. I would wake up to feed you, give you a little bottle, and then spend way too long trying to pump any tiny bit of milk in order to increase my supply. It was ridiculous and I was wearing myself out. I finally gave in and started giving you a bottle, which saved your life and my sanity. And so your sweet dad would take the middle of the night shift. That way I could get a good few hours of sleep. Anyhow, one night you weren’t falling asleep during your regularly scheduled bedtime. I was ready to sleep, thankfully your dad wasn’t, so he agreed to take the first shift. Around 1:00AM he woke me up and said, “I can’t stay awake any longer, and I can’t get her to sleep.” Now, as an experienced parent, I would have just stuck you in your bassinet in a dark room and not worried as long as you were quiet and content, but we were afraid for you to be awake if we weren’t. I asked him what he had been doing and he said, “I’ve tried to wear her out but it’s not working.” I walked into your nursery to find you sitting in the vibrating bouncy chair. All of the lights were on, toys were all over the place, and you were wide awake. He told me all about how he was trying to physically wear you out but, turns out, he was keeping you awake through every method of stimulation possible. I told him I’d take over so he could get some sleep and hoped that I could come up with a way to bring about a little shut eye. I turned out the lights, sat in the chair, and slowly rocked you as I sleepily hummed a few songs. You were out in a matter of minutes. I suppose it should have made sense, but to a couple of sleep deprived parents, things don’t always click when they should.

I’ve tried to diligently write you once a month since your birth so that you’ll always have these words of advice. I know it’s so early to write about love and boys and marriage, but I want to take the opportunity anyway because I know this will be a conversation we’ll have many, many, many times over the next few decades. One of the things I find myself wanting to worry about, concerning your future, is heartbreak. I know boys can have their hearts broken, too, but honestly, I think girls deal with that more frequently from an early age. The thought of you ever experiencing rejection, humiliation, or heartbreak turns my stomach. I want to shield you from every negative and hurtful emotion because I know exactly how it feels. But I know there isn’t any possible way to do that. You will experience heartbreak at some point in your life. Some little (or big) boy will say or do something that shatters your heart and feelings into a million pieces. But I do think that if you implement and practice wisdom in your choices, you might be able to save yourself from a whole lot of unnecessary heart ache. I know I’m your mom and I’m “old fashioned,” but I’ve learned a thing or two and although times may change, people don’t.

There’s this saying that “boys will be boys.” It’s true and it’s unfortunate that we’ve given them an excuse to act in inappropriate ways because of their gender. But we are seeing a new movement these days that now removes any responsibility from women and places it all on men. Here’s the thing, Annabeth, you are responsible for your actions just as boys are responsible for theirs. A lot of women have been greatly hurt by men. Some were friends, boyfriends, co-workers, complete strangers, while others were husbands, fathers, uncles, or brothers. And so this idea that all men are evil, terrible, liars has surfaced, and it’s simply not true. There are a lot of men who’ve done a lot of bad things. There are a lot of men who’ve hurt women. But there are a lot of women who’ve done a lot of bad thing and hurt men. Pointing fingers gets us nowhere. We all need to take responsibility for our actions. My parents taught me that just as I needed to be aware of my actions, appearance, and words, I also needed to be aware of my surroundings and use good judgement. Unforeseen tragedies happen all the time, and we can’t prevent each and every one. But when we put ourselves in bad situations, bad things are inclined to happen. And when we don’t practice wise decision making, we can be left standing with less than desirable results. And so my first piece of advice is that you act wisely and prudently in every way that you can. That you respect yourself and you show the same amount of respect to men, too. God values men and women, and we need to value one another. In fact, we need one another despite popular opinion. But you’ve been fortunate to get off to a good start. God has given you an incredible father. I mean, he is the best there is! And if that wasn’t enough, you’ve got a whole family full of great men who love you and set good examples for you. Not every girl is fortunate to have so many good men invested in her life. And although you can’t choose your family, you can choose your spouse. And so my second piece of advice to you is that you be sure to choose wisely.

My ideal love story for you would go like this: when you reach an appropriate age of dating, you chose a really stellar, Godly, respectful man who would not only be your first boyfriend but your only. He will be the love of your life, you’ll get married and grow old together, never experiencing pain or heartbreak. And then, like in the Notebook, you’ll both pass away peacefully in your sleep at the same time while holding hands. I seriously doubt this will happen, but a mom can always hope, right? However, being a realist, I am certain this love story is pretty farfetched. And so I want to use your father as my example of choosing wisely. I want you to marry a guy just like your dad. He’s got all the good qualities a girl could ask for, and trust me, it’s worth it to hold out as long as you have to for a man like him.  

Choose a man who will choose you. This sounds like a no-brainer, but trust me, this is a pitfall many women encounter. We can easily find ourselves settling for someone who places us on the back burner for meaningless things. The only person a man should place above you is God. That’s it. It should be God and then you. And if God isn’t at the top of his list then you’ve got an even bigger issue. But assuming that God is truly at the top of his list, then it shouldn’t be sports, friends, work, video games, hunting, golf, etc. next on the list. It should be you. You should not have to compete with anyone or anything for the love of your husband. Your dad is a hardworking man. He puts in many hours at the office, but when he comes home, he’s home. His evenings and weekends are devoted to his family. And even when he is overwhelmed with work, he always says, “If you feel like I’m placing work ahead of you, just let me know. You’re more important than my job.” You don’t need to live on the backburner or spend your days competing for space in the life of the man you love. If it’s clear that you’re not number 2 on his list, then becoming his wife is not a wise choice.

Choose a man who serves. Your dad’s servant heart was one of the first things I noticed about him. Not only was he actively serving at his church, but he served those around him. The moment that this really stood out to me was the night he met my family. We had a huge family gathering and he bravely accepted the invitation to come. I noticed that he would do little things like pick up other people’s plates when they were finished or refill their drinks. He stayed behind to clean up dishes, put up tables and chairs, and take out the trash. And this wasn’t just good manners because he was trying to make a good first impression. He would do this every single time. Even today, he is the first to jump into action and help rather than sit around and let others do the work. This trait has been on display our entire relationship. He’s never adopted a mentality that he should be served because he’s the head of our home, works long hours, or is the provider. If he can help, he’ll do it no matter how big or small the task. So look for a man who serves. A man who is a servant leader. When you find one of those, you know he has the heart of Jesus and he’ll love you and serve you in the way Jesus calls us to.

Choose a man for whom you have to make zero exceptions. I think this one is my most important pieces of advice. With every single boy I ever liked or dated, I always found myself making exceptions for him. Again, something many women are very guilty of doing. We notice red flags and overlook them. We naively think that “they will change” once we’re married. Or we say, “Well, it’s not that bad. It could be worse.” Your father is the first man I have ever met, known, or dated for which I made zero exceptions. I didn’t have to make excuses for him or justify any behaviors. Listen carefully, what you marry is what you marry. Marriage does not magically change a person and what you allow in dating and engagement will still be present after you say “I do.” And so you need to love and accept the entire person before you get married. If you’re hoping something will change, or you know something needs to change, then you are not choosing wisely by getting married. I knew what I was getting with your father, and he is exactly what I hoped and prayed for. There was nothing I wanted to change about him. And if you find yourself with a list of issues or problems that need to be changed or fixed, then do the wise thing and break off that relationship. Second to making the decision to accept Jesus as your Savior, marriage is the most important life decision you will make. It’s a sacred covenant and a good marriage is a beautiful gift. But it starts with acting wisely. With choosing wisely.

No man will ever love you in the same fashion that you receive from your dad. You are his daughter, and he is crazy about you! But one day, there will be a man who will love you in a different way. A man who will choose you, serve you, and be the right one for you. Hold out for him, however long it takes. When he arrives, you'll be thankful you waited.