two weeks notice...
Sometimes God gives you clear signs, Annabeth. He'll open a door so wide that you know without a doubt you should walk on through it. Sometimes He shuts doors too, and although it's really tempting to look around for a window to crawl through, we're wise to take the hint and move on. But sometimes in life God brings you to a fork in the road and lets you decide which way you'd like to go because neither way is absolutely right and neither way is absolutely wrong. And this, sweet child, is a season in which God has placed me in front of said fork and choosing the path to take was a bit harder than I imagined.
When your dad and I first got married, we had a sit down budget meeting. We were about 3 months into marriage, and I realized that although we were making money, it didn't seem like our checking account balance was going anywhere. You'll come to learn that budgets and saving are my thing, and your dad kindly obliges. I told him I was feeling a little stressed because it felt like we were spending everything we were making and I wasn't sure on what. Where was our money going? I began tracking our expenses only to realize it was going towards pointless things... mostly eating out. I asked your dad to help me come up with a budget that we felt comfortable with so that our checking account balance could head north. I shared with him that should we have children one day, I wanted to have the opportunity to stay home. Of course, it's pretty difficult to make a big decision like that when you have no idea what "staying home" looks like. But I wanted to be prepared. I didn't want to get down to the wire of maternity leave and change my mind only to realize that I had no choice but to work. And so your dad and I came up with an amount that we would put aside every month. We decided that we would work towards saving the equivalent of one year's worth of my salary so that we could breathe easy if I didn't go back to work. And if the time came and staying home wasn't the choice I would make, well, no harm done.
One day I'm going to share with you about my choices in college. Honestly, I didn't make the best life choices to set myself up for success, but I've learned since then. Pridefully, I chose a major that I ended up hating only because I wanted to impress others. Don't get me wrong. I've used it, so it wasn't a waste. But I had to go through a 6 year humbling, post-graduate saga as I took job after job that I disliked. There were days I dreamed of having a baby so I could escape my work life because I was miserable. Can I tell you something real quick? Having a baby to "escape from" or "save" something is not the best idea. And so disappointment after disappointment led me to believe that I'd never truly have a job that I liked. That I ruined my chances by being so stubborn in college. I had all of these dreams and visions of what I wanted to be and I was certain that it would never happen. Honestly, there were years that I felt pretty disappointed in myself because my professional life seemed like nothing but one big failure.
And then one day, after much prayer and finally coming to terms that I just needed to be thankful for having a job no matter what it was, a friend unknowingly contacted me about my dream job. I'm not even kidding. You see, I started working at a bank in college as my first job and I told your Grammy that if I could ever have any job, I wanted to be a bank trainer. It involved the two things I really enjoyed: finances and talking! I landed that job for a short season only to have it taken away through an acquisition, and I was devastated, so you can only imagine my excitement when I received a call to interview for this job. And not only was I going to get to train, but I was going to get to manage the department. I wasn't sure about that part, as I had no management experience, but God opened that door so wide I knew it was for me to walk through.
I started two and a half years ago with big dreams. I entered into this tiny little department and the first many months were a struggle. I had no idea what I was doing, and I felt that not many people really cared. In fact, most of the company didn't even know who I was. But I had a really great boss who kept encouraging me to dream big and push through challenges, and so I did exactly that. He'd ask me what my vision was and then he'd make me figure out how to achieve it rather than letting me give up when there was push back. Two and half years later, the department has completely transformed, doubled in size, and everyone knows we exist. We moved into an incredible new office space and things I have been working on for years are finally coming to fruition. Not only that, but it seems like things are on this great trajectory and 2017 could be a year of big opportunity. I get to do something I love, something that exercises my natural gifts and abilities, and I get to spend 40 hours a a week with the most wonderful group of ladies who get me and make my job worthwhile. Was I really sure I wanted to give all of that up?
I decided maternity leave would be a test run. I knew what to expect at work, now I needed to figure out motherhood. Truthfully, I thought I'd just know. I thought the decision would be simple and easy and I wouldn't have to spend any time debating about what to do. But that wasn't the case. At least not for the first few weeks. I missed going to meetings. I missed working on projects. I missed the feelings of "importance" that work gave me as I trudged around the house in a zombie-like manner wearing sweatpants and hoping for a shower. I missed my schedule and the predictability that work brought. And I began thinking that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother as much as I was cut out to be a worker.
But things began to change. I began feeling a tad more confident as I was figuring you out a little more each and every day, but work was still there. I checked my emails. I went by to visit. I wished that there was someway I could have the best of both worlds, but I realized that it's not possible. Society may try to trick you into thinking that, Annabeth, but you have to choose. Something has to give. And you have to decide that for yourself. Because what works for one person doesn't work for the next. So I had to really think about you, about our family, about the ROI of my decision. And you know what sealed the deal for me? You know how I knew for sure? I walked into the church nursery last Sunday just to see where you'd go when it's time for you to start attending in a few weeks, and as I looked around at the tiny beds on the wall, I just knew. I knew that I had to lay down my pride. I knew that I had to let go of work and all of the "what if's" and "what were's." I realized that, while I love my job, anyone can pick up that torch and carry it forward. But God has called me to be your mother and that is now my job.
You and I went to Subway today for a quick bite before we headed to the bank to hand in my letter of resignation. I rehearsed what I wanted to say in my head and hoped I wouldn't cry. I have prayed that God would really give me a peace about this decision. Honestly, I think either way, God would bless the decision I made. That's the thing about God's will. Sometimes there isn't just one way and one way only. Sometimes He says, "You know what? Either way, as long as you continue to serve me in whatever it is you're doing, I'm glad to let you decide." So I know He would honor either decision, but I just needed a little something to help me know that this was the path for now. Something to remind me that this is the best decision for our family. Because this is a tough job, Annabeth, This isn't an easy task. This is stretching and challenging me in ways like I've never been before. Some days I feel like I'm failing miserably at life. And it's hard to give up something you enjoy, something you've worked hard for, something you may not get back. And so as I sat down and unwrapped my sandwich, a song came on over the speakers, and as He always does, I knew this was God's way of saying, "This is good! You're going to be glad with this choice. Keep trusting me."
You're going to grow up. I know you won't be my snuggly baby forever. And as much as I am going to miss the feelings that come from work, I know they'll pale in comparisons to the feelings of watching you take your first steps, hearing you say "momma" for the first time, being able to comfort you on the days you don't feel well, or watching you learn how to read books. Your gummy smile melts my heart, and although I'm still not confident that I'm very successful at this mom-role, I really am trying. I want to be the best mom you've ever seen, so I won't give up. I won't stop or slack off. I'll keep reminding myself that with any new job comes a big learning curve, and we'll get it figured out one of these days. But I know you're worth it, Annabeth, and I'm thankful that God has answered my prayers yet again to allow me my other dream job of becoming a mom. So hang in there with me, girlfriend. And go easy on me, too. We've got a lot of work ahead of us, but thank goodness we have the rest of our lives to get it done.
When your dad and I first got married, we had a sit down budget meeting. We were about 3 months into marriage, and I realized that although we were making money, it didn't seem like our checking account balance was going anywhere. You'll come to learn that budgets and saving are my thing, and your dad kindly obliges. I told him I was feeling a little stressed because it felt like we were spending everything we were making and I wasn't sure on what. Where was our money going? I began tracking our expenses only to realize it was going towards pointless things... mostly eating out. I asked your dad to help me come up with a budget that we felt comfortable with so that our checking account balance could head north. I shared with him that should we have children one day, I wanted to have the opportunity to stay home. Of course, it's pretty difficult to make a big decision like that when you have no idea what "staying home" looks like. But I wanted to be prepared. I didn't want to get down to the wire of maternity leave and change my mind only to realize that I had no choice but to work. And so your dad and I came up with an amount that we would put aside every month. We decided that we would work towards saving the equivalent of one year's worth of my salary so that we could breathe easy if I didn't go back to work. And if the time came and staying home wasn't the choice I would make, well, no harm done.
One day I'm going to share with you about my choices in college. Honestly, I didn't make the best life choices to set myself up for success, but I've learned since then. Pridefully, I chose a major that I ended up hating only because I wanted to impress others. Don't get me wrong. I've used it, so it wasn't a waste. But I had to go through a 6 year humbling, post-graduate saga as I took job after job that I disliked. There were days I dreamed of having a baby so I could escape my work life because I was miserable. Can I tell you something real quick? Having a baby to "escape from" or "save" something is not the best idea. And so disappointment after disappointment led me to believe that I'd never truly have a job that I liked. That I ruined my chances by being so stubborn in college. I had all of these dreams and visions of what I wanted to be and I was certain that it would never happen. Honestly, there were years that I felt pretty disappointed in myself because my professional life seemed like nothing but one big failure.
And then one day, after much prayer and finally coming to terms that I just needed to be thankful for having a job no matter what it was, a friend unknowingly contacted me about my dream job. I'm not even kidding. You see, I started working at a bank in college as my first job and I told your Grammy that if I could ever have any job, I wanted to be a bank trainer. It involved the two things I really enjoyed: finances and talking! I landed that job for a short season only to have it taken away through an acquisition, and I was devastated, so you can only imagine my excitement when I received a call to interview for this job. And not only was I going to get to train, but I was going to get to manage the department. I wasn't sure about that part, as I had no management experience, but God opened that door so wide I knew it was for me to walk through.
I started two and a half years ago with big dreams. I entered into this tiny little department and the first many months were a struggle. I had no idea what I was doing, and I felt that not many people really cared. In fact, most of the company didn't even know who I was. But I had a really great boss who kept encouraging me to dream big and push through challenges, and so I did exactly that. He'd ask me what my vision was and then he'd make me figure out how to achieve it rather than letting me give up when there was push back. Two and half years later, the department has completely transformed, doubled in size, and everyone knows we exist. We moved into an incredible new office space and things I have been working on for years are finally coming to fruition. Not only that, but it seems like things are on this great trajectory and 2017 could be a year of big opportunity. I get to do something I love, something that exercises my natural gifts and abilities, and I get to spend 40 hours a a week with the most wonderful group of ladies who get me and make my job worthwhile. Was I really sure I wanted to give all of that up?
I decided maternity leave would be a test run. I knew what to expect at work, now I needed to figure out motherhood. Truthfully, I thought I'd just know. I thought the decision would be simple and easy and I wouldn't have to spend any time debating about what to do. But that wasn't the case. At least not for the first few weeks. I missed going to meetings. I missed working on projects. I missed the feelings of "importance" that work gave me as I trudged around the house in a zombie-like manner wearing sweatpants and hoping for a shower. I missed my schedule and the predictability that work brought. And I began thinking that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother as much as I was cut out to be a worker.
But things began to change. I began feeling a tad more confident as I was figuring you out a little more each and every day, but work was still there. I checked my emails. I went by to visit. I wished that there was someway I could have the best of both worlds, but I realized that it's not possible. Society may try to trick you into thinking that, Annabeth, but you have to choose. Something has to give. And you have to decide that for yourself. Because what works for one person doesn't work for the next. So I had to really think about you, about our family, about the ROI of my decision. And you know what sealed the deal for me? You know how I knew for sure? I walked into the church nursery last Sunday just to see where you'd go when it's time for you to start attending in a few weeks, and as I looked around at the tiny beds on the wall, I just knew. I knew that I had to lay down my pride. I knew that I had to let go of work and all of the "what if's" and "what were's." I realized that, while I love my job, anyone can pick up that torch and carry it forward. But God has called me to be your mother and that is now my job.
You and I went to Subway today for a quick bite before we headed to the bank to hand in my letter of resignation. I rehearsed what I wanted to say in my head and hoped I wouldn't cry. I have prayed that God would really give me a peace about this decision. Honestly, I think either way, God would bless the decision I made. That's the thing about God's will. Sometimes there isn't just one way and one way only. Sometimes He says, "You know what? Either way, as long as you continue to serve me in whatever it is you're doing, I'm glad to let you decide." So I know He would honor either decision, but I just needed a little something to help me know that this was the path for now. Something to remind me that this is the best decision for our family. Because this is a tough job, Annabeth, This isn't an easy task. This is stretching and challenging me in ways like I've never been before. Some days I feel like I'm failing miserably at life. And it's hard to give up something you enjoy, something you've worked hard for, something you may not get back. And so as I sat down and unwrapped my sandwich, a song came on over the speakers, and as He always does, I knew this was God's way of saying, "This is good! You're going to be glad with this choice. Keep trusting me."
You're going to grow up. I know you won't be my snuggly baby forever. And as much as I am going to miss the feelings that come from work, I know they'll pale in comparisons to the feelings of watching you take your first steps, hearing you say "momma" for the first time, being able to comfort you on the days you don't feel well, or watching you learn how to read books. Your gummy smile melts my heart, and although I'm still not confident that I'm very successful at this mom-role, I really am trying. I want to be the best mom you've ever seen, so I won't give up. I won't stop or slack off. I'll keep reminding myself that with any new job comes a big learning curve, and we'll get it figured out one of these days. But I know you're worth it, Annabeth, and I'm thankful that God has answered my prayers yet again to allow me my other dream job of becoming a mom. So hang in there with me, girlfriend. And go easy on me, too. We've got a lot of work ahead of us, but thank goodness we have the rest of our lives to get it done.
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