worst mother of the year...

The first few weeks I was home on maternity leave, I wondered what I had done to my life. Seriously, I remember sitting in bed, exhausted and trying to unsuccessfully nurse a newborn baby, and I kept thinking, "What did I do? The fun, easy going life I loved and enjoyed, is over and it will never be the same." And as much as I wanted to go back to work and have some sense of normalcy, I couldn't bare the thought of being away from my tiny, fragile, vulnerably baby. I made the decision to stay at home, and I hoped and prayed that it was the right one.

Around that time, I began feeling pretty sorry for myself. The days drug on, and I had no social interaction until the end of the day. I looked forward to 4:00 so I could call my mom after she got off work, and I was thrilled when 5:30 rolled around because that meant Aaron would be home soon. I'm not an extrovert, so I've never had an issue with being alone. But being along with a baby that you hardly know and are somehow supposed to magically know like the back of your hand was proving to be harder than I thought it would be. 

I told Aaron that I felt alone. I was the only mother I knew of in my shoes. Most of my friends were either working moms, stay at home moms with older children, or didn't have children yet. I didn't know of any stay at home moms with a baby near Annabeth's age. Plus, there was no way I was going to take my newborn to play dates with older children. She couldn't play, and since she has refused to sit in my lap since she arrived, I knew it would be more stressful than fun. We spent many afternoons just driving around in the car so she would sleep and I could enjoy listening to the radio. I told myself I wasn't cut out to be a mom of a newborn but that things would get easier the older she got. 

After the holidays were over, I was more than ready to have some sort of schedule and get out of the house. Thank goodness our home church offered a few morning opportunities that I quickly jumped on. I would have at least 2 days of something to do with people around, and oh my word, did it help. Little did I know, God had a sweet friend lined up for me who just so happened to also be a stay at home mom with a baby. That was a real blessing! And as Annabeth was getting older, she was getting a tad bit easier to figure out. I don't know who was improving, really. Maybe the fact that things were finally starting to click for me in the motherhood department was making the real difference. Either way, I felt like I kind of had a handle on thing and we were both going to make it. 

Over the past 11 months, plenty of women have said things like, "This is the best stage you're in. It gets so much harder." Well, spoiler alert: each stage is hard! And the truth is that whatever stage you are currently in is going to be the easiest compared to the next. Why, you ask? Because once you've already done something, it seems easier. Think about it this way. A fifth grader thinks fifth grade is hard because they've never experienced it before. They're in the thick of learning so many new things. I could go back and dominate fifth grade... I think. I've been there, passed it, and I've been through a lot of school since. Fifth grade would be a breeze for me, but try telling that to a kid who's learning long division (or whatever you learn in fifth grade). They wouldn't believe you. 

Well, we're almost through our first year together, and many are the days that I feel like I'm in first place to receive the "Worst Mother of the Year" award. Because for every little thing that actually did get easier, there are just as many new developments that make this stage harder. The other day, I found myself telling Aaron, "Maybe I should have gone back to work. I think Annabeth would do better going to daycare anyway." I don't know if that's true or not, but the feelings of not being a good mother are real. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's just the territory that comes with being a mother. But the more I've pondered this thought, and the more I've struggled with it, I've come to wonder if feeling as if you're not a good mother is the actual mark of being a good mother. 

Because good mothers sacrifice for their children. They swoop their babies up and kiss their boo-boo's even though they're beating themselves up internally for having slow reflexes and not being able to catch their falling child fast enough. Good mothers discipline their children when they need it despite the fact that it hurts their hearts to do so. They wake up during the wee hours of the night to feed a hungry mouth that, honestly, is probably capable of waiting until morning to eat. Good mothers thanklessly wash about a million dishes and clothes a day so their children have clean dishes to attempt to eat from and clean clothes that will last a few hours. They could probably change a dirty diaper with their eyes closed, assuming it's one kind and not the other. They get down on the floor and roll around to play even though the couch seems much more inviting. They clean up vomit, wipe away boogers, wear spit up on their clothes, and don't hesitate for a second to meet their child's every need no matter how gross or messy it may be. Good mothers keep on mothering when they're past the point of exhaustion. They don't stop when they feel under the weather or just have a serious case of the "don't want tos." They never stop loving their babies, caring for them, nurturing them, and praying for them. That's what a good mother does.

When I look at God's word to find the truth about being a mother, it doesn't say a thing about having it all together. No where does it imply that a good mother never struggles in her role. It doesn't say that a good mother always looks the part. The Bible doesn't tell us that in order to be categorized as a good mother, we must follow all of the societal norms and pressures and outperform ourselves day after day.

To the tired mother, God says, "Come to me, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

To the anxious mother, God says, "Cast your cares on me because I care for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

To the scared mother, God says, "Do not fear, for I am with you." (Isaiah 41:10)

To the overworked mother, God says, "I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

To the lonely mother, God says, "I go before you, with you, and will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:8)

A good mother and a perfect mother are not the same thing. One of them actually exists, the other one doesn't. But when a good mother relies on a perfect God to give her wisdom and guidance as she raises her child, she can rest in the promise that God really will work out all things for the good of those who love Him, according to His purposes. 

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