because I struggle with pride and insecurity... to name a few...

I hear people say, “the struggle is real.” Are there struggles that aren’t real? Every struggle I’ve had, and the struggles I have, are all too real. Real difficult, real frustrating, and real exhausting. Sometimes I wish they weren’t. I wish they were only a dream, a made up figment of my imagination. But my flesh says otherwise, and denial doesn’t lessen the struggle. No matter what your struggle is, has been, or will be, it is always real. Real hard.

 

Spring is always the time God begins doing something in my life. The season in which He challenges and teaches me the most, it seems. I think back over the past 3 years of my recorded journey and something revelatory always seems to occur in the Spring. I don’t know if my senses are more heightened or if I’m just yearning more than usual. But this Spring has ushered in lessons of struggle, and I’m praying that I’ll somehow be a good student through it.

 

The truth is, I’m a struggler. I’ve always been, but I suppose I’m recognizing it more and more the older I get. And although it’s never fun to admit your struggles, Jesus calls us to share them. To share in them with one another. To be fellow strugglers, co-strugglers. A task that isn’t easy no matter which side of the fence you’re on.

 

I keep recognizing them, the struggles, and I wonder how many I have and how long they’ve gone unnoticed. “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me to the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24) He brings them to the surface, to my attention. The offensive ways. The anxious thoughts. Because everlasting is the goal, that’s why the struggles are made real. Undetected, ignored struggles don’t lead us to the way everlasting. Jesus does, through the struggle.

 

I struggle with insecurity. A struggle so real that I look to people for validation. I seek out their words of affirmation, their attention and admiration because I need to know I’m good enough. I need to know that I have value and worth. I need to know that I’m desirable. I want to hear good things about myself so that maybe I’ll believe those things over the lies that are whispered in my ears. All the things He says I am, I want to hear from the mouths of others as if that really makes them all the more true. And when I don’t, I feel insecure. I question my worth. I wonder if I even matter. Am I really making a difference? I begin to think I’m too much. Disliked. That maybe I’m a problem that can’t be solved. A problem people are simply putting up with because they’re good pretenders. And when I struggle with insecurity, I realize that it’s simply because I’ve made it all about me – not Him.

 

I struggle with pride. With a deep desire for recognition. I want to be noticed. I want to be praised. I want it announced out loud. Then, I think to myself, I'll know I made it. I begin to compare, I begin to inflate my capabilities, and I quickly find myself being deflated when met with silence. When there are no words of recognition being spoken out loud, I feel slighted. When my actions go unnoticed, when my efforts are overlooked, I feel as if some great injustice has just happened to me. And my pride leads to insecurity which causes my pride to grow even more. Struggles that seem to never go away no matter how much I try to act like they don’t exist. But when I struggle with pride, I realize that it’s simply because I’ve made it all about me – not Him.

 

And so I pray prayers filled of repentance. Forgive me, Lord. I know exactly what I do, and I’m doing it… again. Because it’s not about me, Jesus. I don’t exist to be praised. I wasn’t given life so that I could live my days filled with recognition and admiration. It’s not about me, about my abilities. I wouldn’t have breath were it not for you, Jesus. It’s all about you. You, sweet Lord, deserve all the recognition and praise. You, Gracious Father, are to be the object of our affection. The one who we admire and adore. We exist because of you, and we exist for you. Jesus, it's not about me. It's about you.