because here's how you know whether or not he is "the one"...
The first Sunday of every month, Aaron and I have the privilege of meeting with a sweet couple who is engaged to be married in August. We always look forward to meeting with them for one, because they are precious, but also because we love talking marriage. It's not that we have it down by any means. We don't. But we've certainly learned a lot since we said "I do," and if we have the opportunity to encourage another couple or share any wisdom that we've gained along the way, then we're glad to do it.
Marriage is work. I don't care how easy going you are, marriage is far from easy. I used to think that maybe people just picked well and that's what kept their marriage together. I've since learned that while picking well is an integral part to having a successful marriage, so is choosing well. Because no matter how well you pick, life is full of choices. Will you choose to be forgiving, will you choose to show grace, will you choose to persevere, to be faithful, and to never give up? Sometimes it's your choice, and sometimes it's not. But if you pick wisely from the start, you'll find that those choices come easier for both parties involved.
And so maybe you're at that stage where you're trying to decide, or maybe you're at that stage of choosing. Maybe, like many women, you just don't know and no one can tell you. Well, I'm no expert, but I know a thing or two. And if I could sit in front of you, I'd buy you a warm cup of coffee, look you in the eye, and I'd ask you the questions that you don't really want to answer. Why? Because if you're going to enter into marriage, a life-long commitment that isn't easy, that shouldn't be taken lightly, then you need to ask yourself the hard questions. You need to have those figured out before you say I do. After all, it's better to do it now than wish you had later.
1. So He loves the Lord. You're moving in the right direction. But how do you know he loves the Lord? What does his personal relationship with God actually look like?
If you're a Jesus girl, this one should be easy for you. If you're like me and grew up in a youth group, you learned that the litmus test for every potential suitor was whether or not he was a Christian. In 2 Corinthians 2:14, Paul says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." This isn't a simple suggestion, these are words of incredible wisdom. Of course, if you're thinking this is just a New Testament idea Paul came up with on His own, think again. In the Old Testament, God would always tell his people not to inter-marry with those from other nations. Why, you ask? Because every single time they did, they would inevitably forget about God and begin worshipping the gods of the other nations.
"Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your children away from following me to serve other gods, and the Lord’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you." - Deuteronomy 7: 3-4
Even Solomon, the wisest man to ever live, fell into this trap and paid for it greatly.
"You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.” Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been. - 1 Kings 11:2-4
Maybe you're breathing out a sigh of relief and thinking that you've got this one taken care of since you go to the same church. Well, we don't ever want to assume that simply because one attends church one is a true follower of Christ. Going to church makes you a Christian just about as much as standing in a garage makes you a car (thanks to our pastor for this analogy). We have to look past their church attendance record, although going to church is of great importance, and ask ourselves deeper questions.
2. He buys you nice things, and he is romantic. But how does he treat you?
Ladies, we're all hopeless romantics at heart. I love a good rom-com, and I've watched my fair share of these sappy movies over the years. Unfortunately, I let the deception of these movies become a reality in my heart, and I truly believed that the more romantic a man was, the more he loved you. I could not have been more wrong in my assumptions. Flowers, gifts, dates - sure they're all nice gestures. I'll never be mad about receiving a surprise floral delivery or going to a nice dinner. But things are things, and at the end of the day, anyone can give you things. Heck, you can buy them for yourself. You never want to confuse things with your worth. You are priceless, sister, and you deserve to be treasured - not bought. So how does he treat you?
3. He loves his family. Does he put them before you? And what about your family?
You'd be hard pressed to find someone who is more family oriented than I am. My family is very close, and we find every reason we can to gather and celebrate... anything! Family is important, both of your families. They say you don't just marry the person, you marry the family. You not only have one person to consider, you have another set of parents, of siblings, grandparents, and so forth to take into consideration. And the truth is, family relationships can make or break a marriage. Families can encourage you and build you up, or they can create incredible amounts of stress and tension that can potentially tear you apart. Don't, dear sister, ever fall into the trap thinking that"things will change" once you are married. Oh no, they will intensify. Trust me, you're wise to work through these relationships before saying I do.
4. Sure, you disagree. Everyone does! Do you ever resolve your disagreements?
If you've ever spent much time with any person, you know that disagreements are bound to happen. Sure, you put forward your best foot for a few months of dating and show incredible amounts of grace as you bite your tongue, but those rose colored glasses will fall off one day and you'll disagree on something. He'll say something that hurt your feelings. You'll give him the silent treatment assuming that he knows what he did, and three day later, after saying a whole 15 words in 72 hours, you'll have that discussion. You know what I'm talking about. We've all been there, and it can go one of two ways. And so the issue isn't whether or not you disagree, but it's how you disagree. You're going to have arguments with any person. Is this the person you want to have arguments with for the rest of your life?
5. What does your heart say? Actually, it doesn't matter. You shouldn't listen to it.
This goes against everything our culture has told us. Don't follow your heart. Why, you ask? "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?" (Jeremiah 17:9) Your heart, although well intended, doesn't know what's best for you. Your heart will make excuses and exceptions. Your heart will tell you whatever your flesh wants to hear, and so you can't depend on your heart, on human wisdom, or human feelings.
If you're looking for wisdom, if you're looking for answers, you should seek the Lord who gives wisdom, knowledge, and understanding (Proverbs 2:6). And not only should you ask the Lord if this is the person with whom you should spend the rest of your life, you should accept his answer. He might tell you no. He might give you the very answer you didn't want to hear. But if you really trust that He knows what's best for you, you should rejoice in the "no." I know it hurts, and I know it can be disappointing. But, how incredible that the God of the universe loves you so much that he would only want the best for you. How amazing that he would care so much about you as to hear your prayers and answer them with certainty. He knows your heart. He knows your desires. And he knows exactly what you need and when you need it. What a tragedy we face when we run past the Lord chasing our own desires rather than trusting him with our future. He withholds no good thing from those who trust him (Psalm 84:11), and so you can be sure that his "no" is saving you from a future of heartache and disappointment.
So the question is, "How do you know?". Well, when you begin to ask yourself the hard questions, when you remove your own selfish feelings from the situation, apply some wisdom, and seek the Lord, you will know. Rarely do people not know, rather, it's that they don't listen. They let fear and worry lead them into a relationships full of red flags with the hopes that somehow marriage will change things for the better. But you, sweet girl, you are worth the wait, and he is worth waiting on. And if that means you have to face a broken heart, humiliation, or some disappointment right now, you will be filled with gratitude and praise on the day you stand before God and your families and commit your life to God's best for you. It will be worth it, dear one, it most certainly will.
And so until then, don't you settle. Don't you let just any man have your time and attention. Pick wisely, choose carefully. And trust that the Lord is preparing you right now, preparing him right now, for the divine day when your paths cross and your forever begins.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6
Marriage is work. I don't care how easy going you are, marriage is far from easy. I used to think that maybe people just picked well and that's what kept their marriage together. I've since learned that while picking well is an integral part to having a successful marriage, so is choosing well. Because no matter how well you pick, life is full of choices. Will you choose to be forgiving, will you choose to show grace, will you choose to persevere, to be faithful, and to never give up? Sometimes it's your choice, and sometimes it's not. But if you pick wisely from the start, you'll find that those choices come easier for both parties involved.
And so maybe you're at that stage where you're trying to decide, or maybe you're at that stage of choosing. Maybe, like many women, you just don't know and no one can tell you. Well, I'm no expert, but I know a thing or two. And if I could sit in front of you, I'd buy you a warm cup of coffee, look you in the eye, and I'd ask you the questions that you don't really want to answer. Why? Because if you're going to enter into marriage, a life-long commitment that isn't easy, that shouldn't be taken lightly, then you need to ask yourself the hard questions. You need to have those figured out before you say I do. After all, it's better to do it now than wish you had later.
___________________________________________________
1. So He loves the Lord. You're moving in the right direction. But how do you know he loves the Lord? What does his personal relationship with God actually look like?
If you're a Jesus girl, this one should be easy for you. If you're like me and grew up in a youth group, you learned that the litmus test for every potential suitor was whether or not he was a Christian. In 2 Corinthians 2:14, Paul says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." This isn't a simple suggestion, these are words of incredible wisdom. Of course, if you're thinking this is just a New Testament idea Paul came up with on His own, think again. In the Old Testament, God would always tell his people not to inter-marry with those from other nations. Why, you ask? Because every single time they did, they would inevitably forget about God and begin worshipping the gods of the other nations.
"Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your children away from following me to serve other gods, and the Lord’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you." - Deuteronomy 7: 3-4
Even Solomon, the wisest man to ever live, fell into this trap and paid for it greatly.
"You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.” Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been. - 1 Kings 11:2-4
Maybe you're breathing out a sigh of relief and thinking that you've got this one taken care of since you go to the same church. Well, we don't ever want to assume that simply because one attends church one is a true follower of Christ. Going to church makes you a Christian just about as much as standing in a garage makes you a car (thanks to our pastor for this analogy). We have to look past their church attendance record, although going to church is of great importance, and ask ourselves deeper questions.
- Why does he go to church?
- Would he go to church even if you didn't?
- Do his actions, thoughts, and words reflect the Lord?
- Can you have discussions about your faith, and do your beliefs line up?
- Do you see him reading his bible or praying on a regular basis?
- Is he actively serving the Lord?
- Does he tithe?
- Does he seek and honor the Lord in his decisions?
- Does he encourage you in your walk with the Lord?
2. He buys you nice things, and he is romantic. But how does he treat you?
Ladies, we're all hopeless romantics at heart. I love a good rom-com, and I've watched my fair share of these sappy movies over the years. Unfortunately, I let the deception of these movies become a reality in my heart, and I truly believed that the more romantic a man was, the more he loved you. I could not have been more wrong in my assumptions. Flowers, gifts, dates - sure they're all nice gestures. I'll never be mad about receiving a surprise floral delivery or going to a nice dinner. But things are things, and at the end of the day, anyone can give you things. Heck, you can buy them for yourself. You never want to confuse things with your worth. You are priceless, sister, and you deserve to be treasured - not bought. So how does he treat you?
- Does he talk harshly to you or put you down?
- Is he patient with you?
- Does he provide for you or at least show the desire to?
- Does he take your thoughts and opinions into consideration?
- Would he give up his life for you?
- Does he treat you with respect - both emotionally and physically?
- Is he completely honest with you, shortcomings and all?
- Does he accept you for who you really are?
3. He loves his family. Does he put them before you? And what about your family?
You'd be hard pressed to find someone who is more family oriented than I am. My family is very close, and we find every reason we can to gather and celebrate... anything! Family is important, both of your families. They say you don't just marry the person, you marry the family. You not only have one person to consider, you have another set of parents, of siblings, grandparents, and so forth to take into consideration. And the truth is, family relationships can make or break a marriage. Families can encourage you and build you up, or they can create incredible amounts of stress and tension that can potentially tear you apart. Don't, dear sister, ever fall into the trap thinking that"things will change" once you are married. Oh no, they will intensify. Trust me, you're wise to work through these relationships before saying I do.
- Is he more concerned with pleasing his family than he is with ensuring you two are on the same page?
- Does he stand up for you and support your decisions as a couple?
- Does he have your back or come to your defense if necessary?
- Do his parents have some sort of hold in your relationship that allows them control over your decisions?
- Do they regularly overstep their boundaries, or do they respect your relationship by not interfering in personal matters?
- Does he share your personal information with his family, or paint you in a negative light?
- Does his family support you as a couple and encourage you to build your own life together?
- How does he treat your family?
- Does he encourage you to spend time with the ones you love, or does he try and alienate you from those relationships?
- How does your family feel about him? Do they see something that you might be overlooking?
4. Sure, you disagree. Everyone does! Do you ever resolve your disagreements?
If you've ever spent much time with any person, you know that disagreements are bound to happen. Sure, you put forward your best foot for a few months of dating and show incredible amounts of grace as you bite your tongue, but those rose colored glasses will fall off one day and you'll disagree on something. He'll say something that hurt your feelings. You'll give him the silent treatment assuming that he knows what he did, and three day later, after saying a whole 15 words in 72 hours, you'll have that discussion. You know what I'm talking about. We've all been there, and it can go one of two ways. And so the issue isn't whether or not you disagree, but it's how you disagree. You're going to have arguments with any person. Is this the person you want to have arguments with for the rest of your life?
- Does he sweep things under the rug to avoid discussing them?
- Is he open to hearing your thoughts, or is he convinced his way is the only way?
- Does he apologize and offer forgiveness to you when you apologize?
- Does he take lessons away from disagreements and learn from them?
- Is he respectful in disagreement, or does he hurt you physically or emotionally?
- Is he willing to talk until a resolution or a compromise is reached?
- Does he hold grudges against you or bring up past offenses?
- Is he willing to forgive and move forward to a better future?
- Does he fight for your relationship ensuring nothing comes between you, or does he fight against you allowing distance to grow between you?
5. What does your heart say? Actually, it doesn't matter. You shouldn't listen to it.
This goes against everything our culture has told us. Don't follow your heart. Why, you ask? "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?" (Jeremiah 17:9) Your heart, although well intended, doesn't know what's best for you. Your heart will make excuses and exceptions. Your heart will tell you whatever your flesh wants to hear, and so you can't depend on your heart, on human wisdom, or human feelings.
If you're looking for wisdom, if you're looking for answers, you should seek the Lord who gives wisdom, knowledge, and understanding (Proverbs 2:6). And not only should you ask the Lord if this is the person with whom you should spend the rest of your life, you should accept his answer. He might tell you no. He might give you the very answer you didn't want to hear. But if you really trust that He knows what's best for you, you should rejoice in the "no." I know it hurts, and I know it can be disappointing. But, how incredible that the God of the universe loves you so much that he would only want the best for you. How amazing that he would care so much about you as to hear your prayers and answer them with certainty. He knows your heart. He knows your desires. And he knows exactly what you need and when you need it. What a tragedy we face when we run past the Lord chasing our own desires rather than trusting him with our future. He withholds no good thing from those who trust him (Psalm 84:11), and so you can be sure that his "no" is saving you from a future of heartache and disappointment.
________________________________________________________
So the question is, "How do you know?". Well, when you begin to ask yourself the hard questions, when you remove your own selfish feelings from the situation, apply some wisdom, and seek the Lord, you will know. Rarely do people not know, rather, it's that they don't listen. They let fear and worry lead them into a relationships full of red flags with the hopes that somehow marriage will change things for the better. But you, sweet girl, you are worth the wait, and he is worth waiting on. And if that means you have to face a broken heart, humiliation, or some disappointment right now, you will be filled with gratitude and praise on the day you stand before God and your families and commit your life to God's best for you. It will be worth it, dear one, it most certainly will.
And so until then, don't you settle. Don't you let just any man have your time and attention. Pick wisely, choose carefully. And trust that the Lord is preparing you right now, preparing him right now, for the divine day when your paths cross and your forever begins.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6
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