pride...
I started writing almost six years ago. Well, technically, I started writing in grade school, but you know what I mean. I learned the power of journaling in high school when I read my way through Forty Days to a Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Think what you will about the book, but it taught me how to journal my prayers, and a new door, spiritually speaking, was opened for me. I began journaling off and on throughout the rest of high school and college. It always seemed that when I journaled my prayers, I felt closer to the Lord, and it was easier for me to write out my words versus saying them. I found that by writing my prayers, they were more focused. They were intentional and well thought out, so it only made sense that those seasons of my prayer life were stronger, too. And so I knew that if I was struggling, I needed to start journaling again. That's how my blog started. Not for fame or money, not even to be read by anyone else other than the Lord and me. It was a place where I could process and collect my thoughts, and the truth is, typing is much easier than writing things out by hand. And so in January 2012, thanks to a nudging from the Lord, I began writing about the things God was doing in my life and the things he was teaching me.
Clearly, I know little about technology. Aesthetically, I have the most plain and boring blog background possible. I'd love to attribute it to the fact that I like to keep things simple, but the truth is that I'm ignorant on how to change it and have zero desire to figure it out. I picked a free template and stuck with it. After all, I wasn't trying to impress anyone because, like I said, I didn't plan on many people actually reading it. I was doing this because I felt the Lord was asking me to, but I didn't know why.
I didn't consider myself to have the gift of writing. I have a love for words, but it never clicked that the love for words stemmed from a love of writing. I'm the girl who has kept every single letter and card she's ever received since I can remember. I have boxes full of cards from loved ones dating back to my fifth birthday. I am a note writer. I write thank you notes and long birthday cards, and I love doing it. It's easy for me to express how I feel in words. And as I kept blogging, more people began reading and saying things like, "Wow! You're doing a great job! You need to publish this. You should write a book. I'd read it!" But I always laughed it off and thanked them because that seemed like an impossible task. I was already feeling so broken that I couldn't see how God would ever be able to use me again. The truth about God, though, is that it's our brokenness that He most often chooses to use. "God," I prayed, "I don't know what your purpose is for me writing this, but if you can, I pray that you would use it to encourage and speak to others who need to hear from you." And the more people began commenting, and the more people said nice things, the more my pride grew.
I never started out blogging because I thought it would turn into something. In fact, before this all began, I hadn't even dabbled in the world of blogging. I still don't. I don't follow people. I rarely read blogs, but somewhere along the way, I began thinking that if I kept this up long enough, it would eventually turn into something big. Someday, I'd happen to write that magical post that would go viral and bam, I'd make it. All of my diligence would pay off. Having been faithful in the small things, I could now be faithful with more. I began thinking that the only way I could really make a difference with my writing is if it was on a grand scale. The more followers, the more likes, the more shares, the more effective. If I could just be known. If I could just get this stuff out to the masses. If I could just share with the social media world, I'd have my big break. My reward.
But the truth about blogs is that anyone can have one. In fact, most people do. Anyone can write about anything as long as they have a basic understanding of the English language, and that's not even a requirement. You don't have to be special or chosen to start a blog. They're free, too, so you don't even have to have any money to get it up and running. And the longer I wrote, and the closer I got to my initial goal of 1000 posts, I became discouraged because I was exactly where I had started. The same people, mostly family, consistently read what I wrote. I felt like I had accomplished something great, writing 1000 days in a row, and unless someone was my Facebook friend, they knew nothing about it. Over 1200 posts later, and almost 6 years down the road, God has begun showing me that it was never about being well known or followed. It had nothing to do with likes or shares or reaching the masses. What started out as an act of worship evolved into a sense of pride, and the joy that came from what He began quickly turned into disappointment because it wasn't going how I expected.
And so I have found myself in a season of breaking. God has taken a big red pen and begun marking all the areas of my life that are being ruled by pride. Little things that I didn't even realize. Things that had become so much more about me than about God, and I have to say that as difficult as it is, I am thankful. I am so thankful that God cares enough about me to show me the very thing that so often keeps me at an arm's length from Him rather than letting me float off into the distance. I am thankful that God, in His kindness, not only reminds me of why this all began but that He would also give me the perspective I need to see that He has, in fact, answered my prayer of using this gift to speak hope and encouragement to others. I haven't reached the masses or gone viral. I don't have a great following. I have yet to receive the opportunity to write for some major publication, and I really don't even know that that is even in the cards for me. But then again, I'm making it about me, and if it weren't for God breathing life into my lungs each day, if it weren't for God giving me these experiences and words, if it weren't God's idea in the first place, I wouldn't have any of this. This is God's doing, not mine, and I would do good to always remember that.
I can't tell you how many women I have met over the past 5 years who have gone through the same things I have. Not hundreds or even thousands, but a good little handful of women who needed a listening ear of another who understood their circumstances. I can't tell you how many friends and family members have said, "Thanks for sharing your struggles. I am dealing with the same thing and I was encouraged to know I'm not alone." I have had numerous conversations I would have never had otherwise had I not been willing to openly write down and discuss all that God was teaching me. But the real kicker to it all is that I have a beautiful paper trail as a constant reminder of how God counseled, healed, and loved me through some of the most challenging, confusing, difficult, and joyful seasons of my life. I have words that I can look back on and be encouraged by when my mind tends to forget truth and my heart starts to question God's plan. Because I am reminded, once again, that God is not about numbers. God is about people. He's about hearts. He's about relationships. And what a joy, no matter how "big or small" in our eyes, to know that the God of the universe hears our prayers, answers them, and would choose to use imperfect, flawed, people to accomplish His purposes. To accomplish things far greater than we could ever do on our own.
"I am the vine you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5
Clearly, I know little about technology. Aesthetically, I have the most plain and boring blog background possible. I'd love to attribute it to the fact that I like to keep things simple, but the truth is that I'm ignorant on how to change it and have zero desire to figure it out. I picked a free template and stuck with it. After all, I wasn't trying to impress anyone because, like I said, I didn't plan on many people actually reading it. I was doing this because I felt the Lord was asking me to, but I didn't know why.
I didn't consider myself to have the gift of writing. I have a love for words, but it never clicked that the love for words stemmed from a love of writing. I'm the girl who has kept every single letter and card she's ever received since I can remember. I have boxes full of cards from loved ones dating back to my fifth birthday. I am a note writer. I write thank you notes and long birthday cards, and I love doing it. It's easy for me to express how I feel in words. And as I kept blogging, more people began reading and saying things like, "Wow! You're doing a great job! You need to publish this. You should write a book. I'd read it!" But I always laughed it off and thanked them because that seemed like an impossible task. I was already feeling so broken that I couldn't see how God would ever be able to use me again. The truth about God, though, is that it's our brokenness that He most often chooses to use. "God," I prayed, "I don't know what your purpose is for me writing this, but if you can, I pray that you would use it to encourage and speak to others who need to hear from you." And the more people began commenting, and the more people said nice things, the more my pride grew.
I never started out blogging because I thought it would turn into something. In fact, before this all began, I hadn't even dabbled in the world of blogging. I still don't. I don't follow people. I rarely read blogs, but somewhere along the way, I began thinking that if I kept this up long enough, it would eventually turn into something big. Someday, I'd happen to write that magical post that would go viral and bam, I'd make it. All of my diligence would pay off. Having been faithful in the small things, I could now be faithful with more. I began thinking that the only way I could really make a difference with my writing is if it was on a grand scale. The more followers, the more likes, the more shares, the more effective. If I could just be known. If I could just get this stuff out to the masses. If I could just share with the social media world, I'd have my big break. My reward.
But the truth about blogs is that anyone can have one. In fact, most people do. Anyone can write about anything as long as they have a basic understanding of the English language, and that's not even a requirement. You don't have to be special or chosen to start a blog. They're free, too, so you don't even have to have any money to get it up and running. And the longer I wrote, and the closer I got to my initial goal of 1000 posts, I became discouraged because I was exactly where I had started. The same people, mostly family, consistently read what I wrote. I felt like I had accomplished something great, writing 1000 days in a row, and unless someone was my Facebook friend, they knew nothing about it. Over 1200 posts later, and almost 6 years down the road, God has begun showing me that it was never about being well known or followed. It had nothing to do with likes or shares or reaching the masses. What started out as an act of worship evolved into a sense of pride, and the joy that came from what He began quickly turned into disappointment because it wasn't going how I expected.
And so I have found myself in a season of breaking. God has taken a big red pen and begun marking all the areas of my life that are being ruled by pride. Little things that I didn't even realize. Things that had become so much more about me than about God, and I have to say that as difficult as it is, I am thankful. I am so thankful that God cares enough about me to show me the very thing that so often keeps me at an arm's length from Him rather than letting me float off into the distance. I am thankful that God, in His kindness, not only reminds me of why this all began but that He would also give me the perspective I need to see that He has, in fact, answered my prayer of using this gift to speak hope and encouragement to others. I haven't reached the masses or gone viral. I don't have a great following. I have yet to receive the opportunity to write for some major publication, and I really don't even know that that is even in the cards for me. But then again, I'm making it about me, and if it weren't for God breathing life into my lungs each day, if it weren't for God giving me these experiences and words, if it weren't God's idea in the first place, I wouldn't have any of this. This is God's doing, not mine, and I would do good to always remember that.
I can't tell you how many women I have met over the past 5 years who have gone through the same things I have. Not hundreds or even thousands, but a good little handful of women who needed a listening ear of another who understood their circumstances. I can't tell you how many friends and family members have said, "Thanks for sharing your struggles. I am dealing with the same thing and I was encouraged to know I'm not alone." I have had numerous conversations I would have never had otherwise had I not been willing to openly write down and discuss all that God was teaching me. But the real kicker to it all is that I have a beautiful paper trail as a constant reminder of how God counseled, healed, and loved me through some of the most challenging, confusing, difficult, and joyful seasons of my life. I have words that I can look back on and be encouraged by when my mind tends to forget truth and my heart starts to question God's plan. Because I am reminded, once again, that God is not about numbers. God is about people. He's about hearts. He's about relationships. And what a joy, no matter how "big or small" in our eyes, to know that the God of the universe hears our prayers, answers them, and would choose to use imperfect, flawed, people to accomplish His purposes. To accomplish things far greater than we could ever do on our own.
"I am the vine you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5
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