waiting... and wishing you would have...

Baby Cakes, I have not done a good job writing to you. I write to your sister every month sharing a piece of advice or wisdom, and I promise to do my best and keep that up for you once you arrive. But I also wrote things to her throughout my pregnancy, and I want to do the same to you, too. The joy of being the second child is that you don't have to be the trail blazer. Your sister will probably think her life is harder because she's the oldest and the oldest child is sometimes seen as the guinea pig. What she benefits from is getting to experience all of the "firsts." And so the truth is, no matter where you fall in the line of birth order, there are advantages and disadvantages. But I want to try and keep things as equal as I can when it comes to writing because being a second child, I do know that sometimes the oldest child has the best documented life. And so I am praying and asking God to show me how to parent each of you because I know your needs will be different. And some of the things I write to her may not be as applicable to you and vice versa. But I am feeling compelled to write to you concerning the subject of waiting because all human beings tend to struggle with patience.

God gives each one of us a unique and powerful testimony. The thing about testimonies is that they grow with our faith walk. There will be a moment in time that your faith journey begins, but your testimony will never end. And a testimony can change in an instant. I used to think that a testimony only included the information up until you accepted Jesus as your Savior. I was wrong to think that! We always have a reason to testify, to tell what God is doing in our lives. And so God will give you a testimony that probably looks different than mine. For many parts, I sure hope that's the case. One day, I'll share what all God has done in my life, but for now I want to talk about waiting. Waiting on the Lord, that is. Because if there is a theme that has riddled my testimony, and still does to this day, it's waiting.

I think we're all born with a tendency to be impatient, but some have this tendency to a greater degree than others. Sometimes we think patience only comes to play with things like traffic, waiting on dinner, or standing in line at the store. Honestly, those aren't the things that test my patience. I can accept and handle those tasks without losing my cool or making a scene. What tests my patience the most is waiting on the things I really desire. Things I've longed for and prayed for and hoped for. Things that are, in actuality, good things but the timing is the problem. I want them when I want them, which rarely lines up with God's plans.

And so throughout my life I figured out how to get what I wanted when I wanted it. If you work hard enough, you can usually force things to happen. I didn't really have a tricky scheme or sure fire way of getting said things, but it often involved compromise. It involved ignoring God, plowing through divinely and graciously placed road blocks, and doing what I wanted. The result was always bad. But I never realized what I was actually doing because I was convinced that all I needed to do was ask God to bless it and I would be fine. Isiah 30:18 says, "So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help."  Waiting. That's where the blessing lies. No where in the Bible does it say, "Blessed are those who run ahead of God and make their own plans." Or, "Blessed are the impatient who do what they want anyway." No, it says blessed are those who wait on the Lord.

When I turned 24 years old, my world fell apart. The truth is, it hadn't been in great shape for a long time. For many years, I struggled with peace. It was gone. I didn't have an internal peace about any area in my life, and I remember saying, and thinking, "I can't believe this is my life. I really thought it would get better over time, not worse." And I hated the life I was living. Now, to be clear, I wasn't making deals with devil or running down the path of destruction. I was doing the things I had always been doing. I was going to church, studying God's word, working, and trying my best to be a good person. But I had it all wrong. The problem was that, coupled with my impatience and refusal to wait on God, I was also operating in a way to try and obligate God to give me what I wanted. I assumed that if I could live this perfect life, God would bless me in every possible way, giving me all my wants and desires, and I'd be eternally happy. And all I had to do was go after what I wanted and then pray and ask God to bless it. Easy enough. But that wasn't working because that's not how God works. He isn't obligated to us in any way, and when we run past him, ignoring and living outside of his will for our lives, he can't bless us. He still love us, but impatience takes us right past the blessing.

And so my world stopped. Everything I had worked for and achieved at that point was now gone and all I could do was wait. It was the hardest and richest season of my life. I was completely out of control, and on top of that, I was paralyzed with fear and afraid to make any decision. I realized that my current circumstances were the results of my impatience and disobedience. Because for years, when I prayed about things, God was giving me an obvious red light. I, however, let him know that my prayers weren't so much asking as telling. Forming my demands into questions was really just a way of being polite. Kind of like when moms say, "Will you pick up your room?" That's code for, "Pick up your room!" And so God allowed me to plow past him. He didn't stop me because that's the beauty of free will. He will let us make as many poor decisions as we want. But the beauty of God is that when we come to our senses and realize it, he's still there. I could blame everyone and every thing around me for my circumstances, but the truth is I was the one who foolishly ran past God chasing my own desires and I had no one to hold responsible for my choices but me.

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, 
you will weep no more. 
He will be gracious if you ask for help. 
He will surely respond to the sound of your cries.
Though the Lord gave you adversity for food
and suffering for drink,
he will still be with you to teach you.
You will see your teacher with your own eyes.
Your own ears will hear him. 
Right being you a voice will say, 
"This is the way you should go,"
whether to the right or to the left."
- Isaiah 30:19-21

I asked God for help. He allowed me to taste the bitterness of my consequences, but he never left. He was there to pick me up, teach me, and guide me. And I realized that it was better to wait on God than to not and later wished I had. It was better to follow his plan, trusting that it's a good plan, than to chase after my own. And I learned that possessing the peace of God is far greater than any other earthly thing I could possess.

I have waited for you. I waited a long time to have children. I didn't have to wait too terribly long for your sister, but God asked me to wait on you. And when I would begin to feel discouraged that you weren't coming sooner and that the process was taking longer than I planned, I would remind myself that there are blessings in waiting on the Lord. That the season of waiting is so rich and beautiful, and once it's over, it's over. And so I have learned to enjoy the wait and soak up the time while I have it. To ask, not tell God, and then wait for a response. And when he gives a green light, then I know it's the right time to move forward and I'll be able to do that without carrying along a suitcase of regret.


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