for the really tough days... because today was one of them...
I took a long, and I mean long, bath tonight. The hot water stung my day old sunburn, but I didn't really care. I eased my arms in and out of the water until my skin adjusted to the temperature. Not that hot water and bubbles can fix everything, but sometimes it can help.
Beth Moore once said that the hardest thing for her to give up was her Sunday School class. The Lord had opened new doors of opportunity for her, and it required much of her time. She came to the point where she realized she couldn't keep doing everything in which she was involved, and she knew she was going to have to stop teaching Sunday School. She said she cried about the decision saying, "No, Lord, anything but the Sunday School class."
I know exactly how she felt.
Three years ago, the Lord set my feet on a path I never could have imagined for myself. Something so beautiful, so full of God's grace and redemption, that I had no idea my life could turn out to be like this. I hadn't the slightest clue of what all God wanted to do with me. But I had an aching in my heart. An emptiness. I needed a place to belong. And as I prayed about it, I knew exactly what God was calling me to do. He was asking that I step out in faith, that I trust Him, that I allow Him to use me in my most broken and vulnerable state. I was at a point where I thought, "What more do I have to lose?" Because I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I didn't have a solid community. And I just longed to be a part of something good.
It was April 2012, and I sat in church listening to yet another comforting sermon. I had pushed down the possibility of ever being a leader, a teacher, or even an influencer because I didn't believe I was qualified. And yet, of all people, God was asking me to do the very things I felt incapable of. He was asking me to boldly move forward in my weakness so that His strength could be made perfect, and I knew what I had to do. I emailed my pastor who encouraged me to take the leap of faith and begin building a community for people in my age group. He told me that I could be a "wounded healer" if I would allow God the chance to use me in that capacity. And so a bible study was formed, my life was changed, and the Lord showed me that I really can do all thing through Him who gives me strength.
Early last year, Aaron and I began asking the Lord where else He'd like to use us. The truth is, doing God's work is the most rewarding thing one can spend their time on. And so as we had adjusted into a pattern of teaching Sunday School together, we felt the Lord leading us to begin investing in college students. In August, we met our "kids" for the first time, and we fell in love with them. It was an instant connection, and we began meeting with them on a weekly basis. Every Sunday morning, we'd meet with our community, whom we have grown to love and care for deeply, and on Sunday night we'd meet with our kids, who energize us in a way we didn't anticipate. Sundays quickly became our favorite day of the week, and each Sunday night, as we cleaned the dishes after our kids left, we'd talk about how full our hearts were. How humbled we were that God would allow us, of all people - two broken, imperfect, people - the opportunity to be a part of both of these groups. Because as we were getting to serve the Lord in these ways, our lives were being changed. We were being challenged, we were growing, and we felt such fulfillment and joy in doing both. And two weeks ago we were brought to a point of decision and asked to pick one or the other.
Transparency is the name of the game for me. There's no point in putting up a façade that leads another to believe you're someone you really are not. And so to be honest, I wasn't happy about it. I wondered how my heart could go from feeling it's fullest to a state of utter shock in mere seconds. I mean, it's not like this is the first time I've been given less than desirable news on the direction of my life. But I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I remembered God's word, "In your anger, do not sin..." (Ephesians 4:26) and I was instantly reminded that although this wasn't my choice, I still had a choice. A choice to move forward gracefully. A choice to honor the Lord in my behavior and actions. A choice to see past this very moment and trust that God will continue to work all things out for my good. Or, I could choose otherwise. Because Jesus followers are called not just to be hearers of the Word, but to be doers. And so I knew what I was hearing, and I knew what I needed to do.
Aaron and I began praying. I won't lie, I prayed selfishly at first. It went something like this. "Lord, I want things to stay the same. Please go before me and do whatever needs to be done so that I can have my way." But that wasn't an option. Deep in my heart, even though I didn't understand, I knew. Isn't it funny how the Lord confirms the truth in your heart regardless of whether or not you want to hear it? And so we kept praying. We asked, and a few days before our decision was to be voiced, we knew where God was leading us.
That's the problem when your heart is torn. It's hard to know what direction to move when both directions seem so good. And while I'll never understand why life can't always offer the best of both worlds, I have to trust. Trust that the same God who set my feet on this path 3 years ago is the same God who is going to continue to guide and direct me on this new journey. Not that I am an agent for change, but that's what God has asked of me. And that's what He keeps asking of me. Change, change, and change some more. I don't know why it still surprises me. But I realize that in the change, I have to trust Him the most. It's easy when things stay the same. Monotony and consistency are the two places I'd spend my time if it were up to me. But the Lord says, "Brittnye, take up your cross and follow me." In other words, "Brittnye, I'm asking that you lay down your own desires so that you can chase mine. I'm asking that you allow me to lead you forward rather than digging your heels in so you can stay in your comfort zone. I am asking you to blindly trust me with the unknown rather than trusting in the known. And I am asking you to allow me to continue to do something new rather than clinging to something I did in the past."
My voice shook as I shared the news with our Sunday School class this morning. I was proud of myself for not crying. It was a bittersweet moment. One of those moments of harsh realization. I never started out this journey expecting it to end this way. But I told them I loved them and that they have changed my life. That this was the very thing God used to pull me out of darkness and help me put the pieces of my life back together again. Honestly, it was the very thing God used to prove me wrong, for which I am eternally grateful. Because never in a million years would I have expected to have been there in the first place. I thought about all of the amazing friends I have made over the past 3 years, and my heart was so humbled as I realized how good the Lord has been to me. Not only gracious to allow me to teach His word every other week, but to walk through life with so many incredible people. To celebrate the ups and the downs and the in betweens with countless friends. To see the lives of others changed, and to learn to bare my scars in a way that doesn't scare people but helps people. Because this group, these people, these incredible friends, are the ones who have loved me back to me. Who have loved me in spite of my flaws and my failures. Who have accepted me with open arms, and who have taught me that life doesn't have to perfect - we can be broken together.
March 8 will be our last Sunday with them. Aaron and I will embark on a new adventure as we dive into the college ministry full speed ahead. We shared the news with our kids tonight, and they were so excited. They encouraged us the way my heart desperately needed today, but then again, they do that each week. This is why I love them so, and this is why I know God is leading us that way. And as I tried to imagine what our lives will look like in a few weeks, I thought to myself, "We're going to be alright."
Change is never easy. Existing chapter are never easy to bring to an end, and starting new ones can be hard. But God gave me this very verse as a college student. A 19 year old sophomore who had no idea where she'd be almost a decade later. "But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun!" (Isaiah 43:18-19)
Thank you, Lord, for all you have done. We are excited about this new thing you've already begun. Thank you for letting us be a part of what you're going to do!
Beth Moore once said that the hardest thing for her to give up was her Sunday School class. The Lord had opened new doors of opportunity for her, and it required much of her time. She came to the point where she realized she couldn't keep doing everything in which she was involved, and she knew she was going to have to stop teaching Sunday School. She said she cried about the decision saying, "No, Lord, anything but the Sunday School class."
I know exactly how she felt.
Three years ago, the Lord set my feet on a path I never could have imagined for myself. Something so beautiful, so full of God's grace and redemption, that I had no idea my life could turn out to be like this. I hadn't the slightest clue of what all God wanted to do with me. But I had an aching in my heart. An emptiness. I needed a place to belong. And as I prayed about it, I knew exactly what God was calling me to do. He was asking that I step out in faith, that I trust Him, that I allow Him to use me in my most broken and vulnerable state. I was at a point where I thought, "What more do I have to lose?" Because I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I didn't have a solid community. And I just longed to be a part of something good.
It was April 2012, and I sat in church listening to yet another comforting sermon. I had pushed down the possibility of ever being a leader, a teacher, or even an influencer because I didn't believe I was qualified. And yet, of all people, God was asking me to do the very things I felt incapable of. He was asking me to boldly move forward in my weakness so that His strength could be made perfect, and I knew what I had to do. I emailed my pastor who encouraged me to take the leap of faith and begin building a community for people in my age group. He told me that I could be a "wounded healer" if I would allow God the chance to use me in that capacity. And so a bible study was formed, my life was changed, and the Lord showed me that I really can do all thing through Him who gives me strength.
Early last year, Aaron and I began asking the Lord where else He'd like to use us. The truth is, doing God's work is the most rewarding thing one can spend their time on. And so as we had adjusted into a pattern of teaching Sunday School together, we felt the Lord leading us to begin investing in college students. In August, we met our "kids" for the first time, and we fell in love with them. It was an instant connection, and we began meeting with them on a weekly basis. Every Sunday morning, we'd meet with our community, whom we have grown to love and care for deeply, and on Sunday night we'd meet with our kids, who energize us in a way we didn't anticipate. Sundays quickly became our favorite day of the week, and each Sunday night, as we cleaned the dishes after our kids left, we'd talk about how full our hearts were. How humbled we were that God would allow us, of all people - two broken, imperfect, people - the opportunity to be a part of both of these groups. Because as we were getting to serve the Lord in these ways, our lives were being changed. We were being challenged, we were growing, and we felt such fulfillment and joy in doing both. And two weeks ago we were brought to a point of decision and asked to pick one or the other.
Transparency is the name of the game for me. There's no point in putting up a façade that leads another to believe you're someone you really are not. And so to be honest, I wasn't happy about it. I wondered how my heart could go from feeling it's fullest to a state of utter shock in mere seconds. I mean, it's not like this is the first time I've been given less than desirable news on the direction of my life. But I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I remembered God's word, "In your anger, do not sin..." (Ephesians 4:26) and I was instantly reminded that although this wasn't my choice, I still had a choice. A choice to move forward gracefully. A choice to honor the Lord in my behavior and actions. A choice to see past this very moment and trust that God will continue to work all things out for my good. Or, I could choose otherwise. Because Jesus followers are called not just to be hearers of the Word, but to be doers. And so I knew what I was hearing, and I knew what I needed to do.
Aaron and I began praying. I won't lie, I prayed selfishly at first. It went something like this. "Lord, I want things to stay the same. Please go before me and do whatever needs to be done so that I can have my way." But that wasn't an option. Deep in my heart, even though I didn't understand, I knew. Isn't it funny how the Lord confirms the truth in your heart regardless of whether or not you want to hear it? And so we kept praying. We asked, and a few days before our decision was to be voiced, we knew where God was leading us.
That's the problem when your heart is torn. It's hard to know what direction to move when both directions seem so good. And while I'll never understand why life can't always offer the best of both worlds, I have to trust. Trust that the same God who set my feet on this path 3 years ago is the same God who is going to continue to guide and direct me on this new journey. Not that I am an agent for change, but that's what God has asked of me. And that's what He keeps asking of me. Change, change, and change some more. I don't know why it still surprises me. But I realize that in the change, I have to trust Him the most. It's easy when things stay the same. Monotony and consistency are the two places I'd spend my time if it were up to me. But the Lord says, "Brittnye, take up your cross and follow me." In other words, "Brittnye, I'm asking that you lay down your own desires so that you can chase mine. I'm asking that you allow me to lead you forward rather than digging your heels in so you can stay in your comfort zone. I am asking you to blindly trust me with the unknown rather than trusting in the known. And I am asking you to allow me to continue to do something new rather than clinging to something I did in the past."
My voice shook as I shared the news with our Sunday School class this morning. I was proud of myself for not crying. It was a bittersweet moment. One of those moments of harsh realization. I never started out this journey expecting it to end this way. But I told them I loved them and that they have changed my life. That this was the very thing God used to pull me out of darkness and help me put the pieces of my life back together again. Honestly, it was the very thing God used to prove me wrong, for which I am eternally grateful. Because never in a million years would I have expected to have been there in the first place. I thought about all of the amazing friends I have made over the past 3 years, and my heart was so humbled as I realized how good the Lord has been to me. Not only gracious to allow me to teach His word every other week, but to walk through life with so many incredible people. To celebrate the ups and the downs and the in betweens with countless friends. To see the lives of others changed, and to learn to bare my scars in a way that doesn't scare people but helps people. Because this group, these people, these incredible friends, are the ones who have loved me back to me. Who have loved me in spite of my flaws and my failures. Who have accepted me with open arms, and who have taught me that life doesn't have to perfect - we can be broken together.
March 8 will be our last Sunday with them. Aaron and I will embark on a new adventure as we dive into the college ministry full speed ahead. We shared the news with our kids tonight, and they were so excited. They encouraged us the way my heart desperately needed today, but then again, they do that each week. This is why I love them so, and this is why I know God is leading us that way. And as I tried to imagine what our lives will look like in a few weeks, I thought to myself, "We're going to be alright."
Change is never easy. Existing chapter are never easy to bring to an end, and starting new ones can be hard. But God gave me this very verse as a college student. A 19 year old sophomore who had no idea where she'd be almost a decade later. "But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun!" (Isaiah 43:18-19)
Thank you, Lord, for all you have done. We are excited about this new thing you've already begun. Thank you for letting us be a part of what you're going to do!
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