5 years and a few lessons later...
Five years ago today my life changed forever. For the better. I had spent quite a bit of time in the wilderness, on an unknown path, blindly trusting God to lead me one step forward at a time. Little did I know, one of those steps included a blind lunch date. And so on a Sunday afternoon, I found myself sitting across the table from a stranger as we shared our first meal at a local Italian restaurant. I was sure that although it was our first, it would likely be our last. At the time, I never expected to be walking down the aisle 10 months later to marry him. I'm glad I misread the situation. And I'm glad he did, too. Otherwise, who knows where we'd be today.
There were a lot of mixed opinions about it. Was it "too early?" Was I moving too fast? Was it appropriate? I had to come to the conclusion that it didn't matter what other people thought. But that didn't stop the questions.
"Are you scared?"
"Do you want to get married again?"
"If so, would you wear white?"
And as much as I didn't appreciate the questions, I understood. The last thing any girl wants is to commit her life to a man only for it to fall apart and be left standing, humiliated and devastated, on her own. It's a scary thought. And if happened once, well, it could happen again. Because no marriage is ever immune. You can't make anyone do what they don't want to. And so although the thought of being left was scary, I still believed that marriage was a good thing. And I wanted to be married. I didn't hate the institution. I didn't hate men. I just realized that if I was going to get married, I was going to choose very, very wisely. I had come too far and learned too much to walk down that road again. This time, should the Lord allow me another opportunity, would be different. Boy, has it been. And here's what I've learned.
1. Marriage wasn't created to make you happy, but it shouldn't make you miserable, either. I love a good Hallmark movie. In fact, I could watch Christmas Hallmark movies year round if they'd play them. I have spent a lot of time over the years indulging in rom-coms, and the danger in doing so is that it can lead one to believe that marriage completes us. It will make us happy. And although that makes for good story lines, that couldn't be further from the truth. God created the institution of marriage and he never said, "Listen up, I'm bringing you two together because you can't survive without one another. The only way you'll ever really be complete and happy is by being together. Otherwise, your days will be empty and depressing." I have found the promise of happiness nowhere in scripture. In fact, Paul tells us that the married person faces many troubles. And let's be honest, the pursuit of happiness is a selfish one. No one is ever more concerned about your individual happiness than you are. And so the more you chase that feeling of happiness, the more you begin to make your marriage about you. And the more you make it about yourself, the less happy and the more miserable you'll be. I certainly hope that the majority of your married days are filled with happiness, but if they're not, then what are you going to do about it? Because you can always change your outlook but your covenant should remain.
2. Doing what "feels right" is rarely right. Making a decision to get married, or to end your marriage, should never be based on feelings. In fact, very few of your decisions should be feelings- based. You may say I'm wrong here because our society encourages us to do what "feels right." When someone makes me mad, like really, really, really, really mad, I might feel like punching them. And in the moment, when I'm all worked up, it doesn't seem like a bad idea. It seems reasonable and rational. But that would be a terrible decision, and I hope you'd agree. In that instance, you'd probably tell me not to act off of my feelings but to talk it out or take the high road and let it go. You'd be right. And so the only time I would recommend going with your gut feeling is when selecting a flavor of ice cream. Pick what you're feeling. It's ice cream, so I doubt you'll regret. And if you do, well, it won't alter the course of anyone's life so no harm done. But there will be days in your marriage, and in life, when you have to go against what you're feeling. You choose to follow wisdom rather than the fickle voice inside your head. You act upon truth, and then you pray and ask God for help and guidance to carry out the promise that you made. Because honoring God and honoring your spouse is what's right, even if it doesn't always feel that way in the moment. The temporary will fade and change, but doing what's right is never wrong. God will honor you when you honor Him.
3. While it takes two to tango, it takes one to end the dance. No one person can successfully save their marriage or keep it afloat forever. It's just not possible. And let me say this, too. Length of marriage does not equate to the success of the marriage. I know of couples who have been unhappily married for 30 years. Couples whose marriages are riddled with infidelity, hatred, deceit, dishonesty, and discontent. I know of couples who are married simply for appearance, convenience, and money. And I don't know about you, but when I get to year 30 in my marriage, I want to be even more in love with the man I've married than I am today. I don't want a marriage full of baggage where death will be the only escape. I don't want to invest my time in a covenant that brings about absolutely no return. I want to enjoy my husband. I want to enjoy being married. I want him to enjoy being married to me. And what I've learned through my short years that have been packed with experience is that a successful marriage only works if both parties want it to work. In fact, that's one of the reasons I knew marrying Aaron was a wise decision. He wanted to be married, and he made that so evident and clear. He didn't desire marriage just for the benefits and the good things that we all selfishly want, he wanted to make a lifelong commitment. He was willing to work on, talk through, and sort out whatever needed to be straightened in order to make sure our marriage would be a success. That hasn't changed, and if you want to enjoy the tango until death does you part, then that's exactly what you've got to do. Forever.
4. You have to fight for your marriage. Always. I don't know that there is ever an "easy" season in marriage. Newlyweds know well that the first few years are full of growing pains. And once you think you have it figured out, you add a kid, which brings about a whole new shift you've got to work through. And then your kid grows and changes and so does your family, and your marriage is constantly tested and challenged in many new ways. Those kids leave the nest, you have it back to yourself, you've got to readjust, and then grandkids come along. And so what we can expect is that just as much as our lives change, so will our marriages. Each season brings about new challenges and struggles, and whether they be good or bad, our relationship changes. We either grow together, or we grow apart. Those are the options. And so no matter what we're going through, we have to fight for our marriage, We have to fight to make it a success. We have to fight together, not with one another. Because marriage is too sweet of a privilege, too big of a promise, too full of blessings, and too worth it to not give it our all, our best, and our word.
There were a lot of mixed opinions about it. Was it "too early?" Was I moving too fast? Was it appropriate? I had to come to the conclusion that it didn't matter what other people thought. But that didn't stop the questions.
"Are you scared?"
"Do you want to get married again?"
"If so, would you wear white?"
And as much as I didn't appreciate the questions, I understood. The last thing any girl wants is to commit her life to a man only for it to fall apart and be left standing, humiliated and devastated, on her own. It's a scary thought. And if happened once, well, it could happen again. Because no marriage is ever immune. You can't make anyone do what they don't want to. And so although the thought of being left was scary, I still believed that marriage was a good thing. And I wanted to be married. I didn't hate the institution. I didn't hate men. I just realized that if I was going to get married, I was going to choose very, very wisely. I had come too far and learned too much to walk down that road again. This time, should the Lord allow me another opportunity, would be different. Boy, has it been. And here's what I've learned.
1. Marriage wasn't created to make you happy, but it shouldn't make you miserable, either. I love a good Hallmark movie. In fact, I could watch Christmas Hallmark movies year round if they'd play them. I have spent a lot of time over the years indulging in rom-coms, and the danger in doing so is that it can lead one to believe that marriage completes us. It will make us happy. And although that makes for good story lines, that couldn't be further from the truth. God created the institution of marriage and he never said, "Listen up, I'm bringing you two together because you can't survive without one another. The only way you'll ever really be complete and happy is by being together. Otherwise, your days will be empty and depressing." I have found the promise of happiness nowhere in scripture. In fact, Paul tells us that the married person faces many troubles. And let's be honest, the pursuit of happiness is a selfish one. No one is ever more concerned about your individual happiness than you are. And so the more you chase that feeling of happiness, the more you begin to make your marriage about you. And the more you make it about yourself, the less happy and the more miserable you'll be. I certainly hope that the majority of your married days are filled with happiness, but if they're not, then what are you going to do about it? Because you can always change your outlook but your covenant should remain.
2. Doing what "feels right" is rarely right. Making a decision to get married, or to end your marriage, should never be based on feelings. In fact, very few of your decisions should be feelings- based. You may say I'm wrong here because our society encourages us to do what "feels right." When someone makes me mad, like really, really, really, really mad, I might feel like punching them. And in the moment, when I'm all worked up, it doesn't seem like a bad idea. It seems reasonable and rational. But that would be a terrible decision, and I hope you'd agree. In that instance, you'd probably tell me not to act off of my feelings but to talk it out or take the high road and let it go. You'd be right. And so the only time I would recommend going with your gut feeling is when selecting a flavor of ice cream. Pick what you're feeling. It's ice cream, so I doubt you'll regret. And if you do, well, it won't alter the course of anyone's life so no harm done. But there will be days in your marriage, and in life, when you have to go against what you're feeling. You choose to follow wisdom rather than the fickle voice inside your head. You act upon truth, and then you pray and ask God for help and guidance to carry out the promise that you made. Because honoring God and honoring your spouse is what's right, even if it doesn't always feel that way in the moment. The temporary will fade and change, but doing what's right is never wrong. God will honor you when you honor Him.
3. While it takes two to tango, it takes one to end the dance. No one person can successfully save their marriage or keep it afloat forever. It's just not possible. And let me say this, too. Length of marriage does not equate to the success of the marriage. I know of couples who have been unhappily married for 30 years. Couples whose marriages are riddled with infidelity, hatred, deceit, dishonesty, and discontent. I know of couples who are married simply for appearance, convenience, and money. And I don't know about you, but when I get to year 30 in my marriage, I want to be even more in love with the man I've married than I am today. I don't want a marriage full of baggage where death will be the only escape. I don't want to invest my time in a covenant that brings about absolutely no return. I want to enjoy my husband. I want to enjoy being married. I want him to enjoy being married to me. And what I've learned through my short years that have been packed with experience is that a successful marriage only works if both parties want it to work. In fact, that's one of the reasons I knew marrying Aaron was a wise decision. He wanted to be married, and he made that so evident and clear. He didn't desire marriage just for the benefits and the good things that we all selfishly want, he wanted to make a lifelong commitment. He was willing to work on, talk through, and sort out whatever needed to be straightened in order to make sure our marriage would be a success. That hasn't changed, and if you want to enjoy the tango until death does you part, then that's exactly what you've got to do. Forever.
4. You have to fight for your marriage. Always. I don't know that there is ever an "easy" season in marriage. Newlyweds know well that the first few years are full of growing pains. And once you think you have it figured out, you add a kid, which brings about a whole new shift you've got to work through. And then your kid grows and changes and so does your family, and your marriage is constantly tested and challenged in many new ways. Those kids leave the nest, you have it back to yourself, you've got to readjust, and then grandkids come along. And so what we can expect is that just as much as our lives change, so will our marriages. Each season brings about new challenges and struggles, and whether they be good or bad, our relationship changes. We either grow together, or we grow apart. Those are the options. And so no matter what we're going through, we have to fight for our marriage, We have to fight to make it a success. We have to fight together, not with one another. Because marriage is too sweet of a privilege, too big of a promise, too full of blessings, and too worth it to not give it our all, our best, and our word.
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