I'm sorry... but I'm not sorry...
I've found myself apologizing quite a bit lately. Saying "I'm sorry," for no good reason. Apologizing because I feel that an explanation is warranted, and so that seems to be the easiest way to explain myself.
An electrician came to our house a few weeks ago to begin working on a list of electrical projects. He works at the hospital with Aaron, but I had never met him before. Whenever I meet someone whose married but their spouse isn't present, I'm always curious as to what they look like. I get an idea in my head, and sometimes I'm close and sometimes I'm way off track. They say birds of a feather flock together, and so I always expect people to look like they go together... according to my imagination. Well, this man showed up to find me looking far from my best. Now, maybe the way I looked is exactly what he expected, but it's not the first impression I wanted to make. I was in the middle of getting dinner together, had on no make up, dirty hair covered by a baseball cap, and jeans and a t-shirt. I doubt that he probably even noticed, but I wanted to apologize for looking like such a mess and let him know that I don't always look that way. I actually do clean up decently well when I get the chance.
Of course, if that wasn't bad enough, this man walked into a house that looked like a tornado ran it over and came back around for good measure. It was dirty and cluttered. Toys were scattered across the living room. Dust was about an inch thick on every thing. There were absolutely no decorations up. The furniture was placed in the most random spots, and frankly, I was quite embarrassed for him to see it, and me, in such a state. Sure, we had moved in days before, but this was not the norm for me. I was so afraid he was thinking, "Wow! Aaron's wife is not what I expected. Not only has she clearly let herself go, she can't even keep a slightly clean and orderly house." And I felt like I needed to apologize for it all.
But this isn't a rare instance. This is most days. I find myself apologizing to others for the way I look. For the construction zone mess of my house. For the fact that the backseat of my car looks like the baby aisle at Walmart. I have found myself apologizing for having to buy new pants that fit, for not making more creative dinners, for not having time to get everything done, for not doing more, and for barely keeping up. I apologize for my vocal baby. For getting in people's way while trying to maneuver around them in the store with full arms and hands. I apologize for things that maybe no one really even expects an apology for, and I wonder if the apology is for them or if it's for me.
Because apologies need to happen when we do something wrong. When we need to explain ourselves and make things right again. But there is nothing wrong with the way I actually look, is there? Should I apologize for the fact that sometimes I don't get a chance to do my hair and make up? Should I apologize for what I really look like stripped down in my most basic form? Is it necessary to apologize for a body that changed as it grew and birthed a baby, or for a house that is being lived in, loved on, and filled with new memories? Do I need to apologize for having an extroverted child who is just learning how to communicate and make friends? Or am I just apologizing because what's real is far from picture perfect?
Annabeth and I are taking swimming lessons this week. I've been dreading wearing a bathing suit since she was born, but they won't let you in the pool with your housecoat on. Rules. And so I set out to buy a bathing suit, feeling that I owed people an explanation. I felt like I needed to apologize that I was having to spend money on a new one because I can't comfortably fit into any of my old ones. We showed up on the first day and I bravely took off my cover up. I slipped into the water, hoping to go unnoticed by anyone, and we had a great time. The next day my mom came and recorded us, and as I watched that video, you know what I didn't notice? I didn't notice the dirty hair hidden by the ball cap or the lack of make up on my face. I didn't notice the bathing suit that comfortably fits one half of my body but not the other. I didn't give thought to the house that was left a mess that morning because the day started off in a hectic manner. I also didn't think about the fact that I would be sitting down to a simple sandwich and chips dinner that night or that I would spend the evening making a bigger mess that will only get worse before it gets better. I saw a mom building sweet memories with her baby. A mom whose priorities have drastically changed over the last 9 months so that she can do exactly that. I saw a wife who, despite her many shortcomings, does her best to take good care of her family and be the helpmate to her husband that God has called her to be. One who is more concerned with investing her time in the people God has entrusted to her than keeping up appearances for really no reason. I saw me. Me, having fun. Me, enjoying this season of life. And you know what? For all of that, I'm not sorry.
An electrician came to our house a few weeks ago to begin working on a list of electrical projects. He works at the hospital with Aaron, but I had never met him before. Whenever I meet someone whose married but their spouse isn't present, I'm always curious as to what they look like. I get an idea in my head, and sometimes I'm close and sometimes I'm way off track. They say birds of a feather flock together, and so I always expect people to look like they go together... according to my imagination. Well, this man showed up to find me looking far from my best. Now, maybe the way I looked is exactly what he expected, but it's not the first impression I wanted to make. I was in the middle of getting dinner together, had on no make up, dirty hair covered by a baseball cap, and jeans and a t-shirt. I doubt that he probably even noticed, but I wanted to apologize for looking like such a mess and let him know that I don't always look that way. I actually do clean up decently well when I get the chance.
Of course, if that wasn't bad enough, this man walked into a house that looked like a tornado ran it over and came back around for good measure. It was dirty and cluttered. Toys were scattered across the living room. Dust was about an inch thick on every thing. There were absolutely no decorations up. The furniture was placed in the most random spots, and frankly, I was quite embarrassed for him to see it, and me, in such a state. Sure, we had moved in days before, but this was not the norm for me. I was so afraid he was thinking, "Wow! Aaron's wife is not what I expected. Not only has she clearly let herself go, she can't even keep a slightly clean and orderly house." And I felt like I needed to apologize for it all.
But this isn't a rare instance. This is most days. I find myself apologizing to others for the way I look. For the construction zone mess of my house. For the fact that the backseat of my car looks like the baby aisle at Walmart. I have found myself apologizing for having to buy new pants that fit, for not making more creative dinners, for not having time to get everything done, for not doing more, and for barely keeping up. I apologize for my vocal baby. For getting in people's way while trying to maneuver around them in the store with full arms and hands. I apologize for things that maybe no one really even expects an apology for, and I wonder if the apology is for them or if it's for me.
Because apologies need to happen when we do something wrong. When we need to explain ourselves and make things right again. But there is nothing wrong with the way I actually look, is there? Should I apologize for the fact that sometimes I don't get a chance to do my hair and make up? Should I apologize for what I really look like stripped down in my most basic form? Is it necessary to apologize for a body that changed as it grew and birthed a baby, or for a house that is being lived in, loved on, and filled with new memories? Do I need to apologize for having an extroverted child who is just learning how to communicate and make friends? Or am I just apologizing because what's real is far from picture perfect?
Annabeth and I are taking swimming lessons this week. I've been dreading wearing a bathing suit since she was born, but they won't let you in the pool with your housecoat on. Rules. And so I set out to buy a bathing suit, feeling that I owed people an explanation. I felt like I needed to apologize that I was having to spend money on a new one because I can't comfortably fit into any of my old ones. We showed up on the first day and I bravely took off my cover up. I slipped into the water, hoping to go unnoticed by anyone, and we had a great time. The next day my mom came and recorded us, and as I watched that video, you know what I didn't notice? I didn't notice the dirty hair hidden by the ball cap or the lack of make up on my face. I didn't notice the bathing suit that comfortably fits one half of my body but not the other. I didn't give thought to the house that was left a mess that morning because the day started off in a hectic manner. I also didn't think about the fact that I would be sitting down to a simple sandwich and chips dinner that night or that I would spend the evening making a bigger mess that will only get worse before it gets better. I saw a mom building sweet memories with her baby. A mom whose priorities have drastically changed over the last 9 months so that she can do exactly that. I saw a wife who, despite her many shortcomings, does her best to take good care of her family and be the helpmate to her husband that God has called her to be. One who is more concerned with investing her time in the people God has entrusted to her than keeping up appearances for really no reason. I saw me. Me, having fun. Me, enjoying this season of life. And you know what? For all of that, I'm not sorry.
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