because this is what will end your marriage...
I sat in Counselor Mark's office on a weekly basis for almost the entire season of fall. He was truly a God send. I never imagined that I would need counseling, but then again, we also never imagine ourselves facing the tragedies that life throws our way. Those things are supposed to happen to other people, right? And so I was at a loss for what else to do because I felt like I had tried everything. I had one more card up my sleeve that I thought might work and I remember Counselor Mark saying, "Whatever you do, choose your words wisely. You can't take those words back once they are out of your mouth so don't say anything you might want to take back later." It was timely advice for the moment, and it has served as timely advice since. He told me that people have a hard time knowing what to say to others who are going through difficult circumstances to which they can't relate. "People will probably say things that hurt, but know that they mean well." I was glad he told me this, too, because it helped me move forward in ways that I may not have been able to otherwise.
I remember the night was a night I was sitting on my couch trying to put together the pieces. Where had everything gone wrong? How could I fix it? I blamed myself over and over and over again, and I replayed years' worth of memories in my mind trying to see if I could solve the puzzle. I just needed answers to all of my "why's." I think that's a normal human desire, isn't it? Although it seems knowing the "why" will make things better, sometimes it just makes things worse. But well intended people, people who had probably faced some bumps in their marriages but nothing to this magnitude, were trying to help me understand. I've learned that we are all experts in the things we know nothing about. For example, how many of us know exactly how we would parent a child although we've yet to do it? Or how many of us give out relationship advice when we are single or unmarried? It's easy to do, and we're all guilty of it, including me. And so thoughts were tossed out and analyzed and I'll never forget the comment that was said. The one that cut me to the core. The one that heaped on even more blame. The one that really shouldn't have even been mentioned but is always the inevitable and "go to" for situations like these. "If they aren't getting it at home, they'll get it somewhere."
I sat in Bible Study this morning and we talked about marriage. I have realized that I will never stop learning how to be a wife or a mother. And the more opportunities I have to learn about both of those roles, the more I think through these issues. Growing up, I heard comments like "boys will be boys," to justify boyish behavior. And yet we live in a society who is, right now, focusing so much on sexual harassment and abuse that story after story is going viral and we're learning just how many people have been victims of these very things. And so if we laugh off the saying that "boys will be boys" and that is excuse enough, then why are we so upset when we hear stories of rape, of sexual exploitation, of abuse, of infidelity, of trafficking and pornography addiction? And what is "it" in marriage? What is considered enough to be faithful? Is there a standard or a gauge to make sure your spouse won't go looking elsewhere? And is that a sufficient excuse to be unfaithful to your spouse? Because here's the deal whether or not we like it. God has called us to live holy and pure lives. Not to satisfied lives, not to happy lives, not to flesh feeding lives. He has called us to be holy, just as He is holy (1 Peter 1:16). And so when we stand before a holy God in matrimony, we not only promise ourselves to our spouse, but we make a promise of faithfulness to God. I cannot imagine that we could stand in front of a holy God and say, "Lord, it was my spouse's fault that I wasn't getting "it" (and "it" could mean more than one thing) at home and so I went elsewhere for it." And that our Holy God who has called us to live holy and blameless lives will say, "That's totally fine. I understand where you are coming from so I'll be sure to hold your spouse responsible for this sin in your life and excuse you from it."
The reason marriages fall apart is sin. Period. That's it. We can get into the nitty gritty and play the blame game but we know that sin stems from selfishness, and at the end of the day, who doesn't suffer from that? We're all selfish whether or not we want to admit that, and we're all looking out for number one. My dad once told me, "No one is more concerned about your happiness than you." It's true. When we go to bed at night, who is the last person on our mind? When we wake up in the morning, who is the first person on our mind? Sin comes from wanting what we want, not what God wants. If we were as adamant to only chase the things God desires, rather than the things our flesh desires, sin wouldn't be an issue. But none the less, we let sin creep into our lives in a million ways all the while blaming others for our fall. It's in our bones, isn't it? Remember Adam and Eve. She ate the apple, but so did he, and when God called them out, what did Adam say? "That woman you put here with me - she gave me fruit from the tree and I ate it." (Genesis 3:12) So according to Adam, it was both Eve and God's fault for all of this mess they were in. Interesting how the fall is never ours to own, is it? But God didn't accept that answer, just as He accepts no sin. Our spouse is not responsible for our sin. God will not hold our spouse responsible for our sin. In fact, there is only one person who is responsible for our sin, and that's the person committing it. That's you, that's me, and we are the ones held accountable for the choices we've made. And so what are we to do then? Are we to live in unhappy matrimony? Are we to suffer in an empty marriage? Should we endure decades frustration and disappointment from our spouse when we know there's got to be a better way?
What's "it" that you want and you feel you aren't getting? What's missing? Where is the breakdown? Where lies the temptation? What's the sore spot in the relationship? You know exactly what it is, but your spouse may have no idea. Early on in our marriage, Aaron would say, "You have to directly tell me things instead of dropping hints or hoping I'll read your mind. I can't read your mind, so I don't know what you're wanting." And let me tell you, this goes both ways. A successful marriage only works when BOTH parties are working on it. Let me say that again, a successful marriage only works when BOTH parties are working on it. And so we have no excuse if we keep our mouths shut, say nothing to our spouse, and then one day surprise them with the worst news ever assuming they should have seen it coming all along. A person cannot fix a problem of which they are unaware. Just like your friend can't remove the broccoli from her teeth if she doesn't know it's there. You can see it, but if you don't say anything, she's going to ignorantly flash her broccoli smile all day until some brave person points it out. She may feel embarrassed for a moment, but she can take care of the problem and move on. Marriage is no broccoli in the teeth, but how much better it is for you to talk with your spouse about issues going on in your life so you can both work through it than for them to find out the unfortunate truth in a most devastating way when it may be too late to turn the ship around?
Every marriage is worth the risk, and every marriage is worth the work. A marriage is only too far gone if the decision is made to let it go. And the scary part of that is the unfortunate fact it doesn't have to be a mutual decision. It doesn't have to be agreed upon by both parties. All you can do is your part, and your spouse will do theirs. No one can make anyone do more or less than they want. But what is important to remember is that your marriage is not, and will never be, about you. You gave that slice of selfishness up on the day you committed your life to another and agreed that the two of you would become one. If you prefer selfishness, my recommendation to you is to embrace and enjoy your singleness. But if that isn't your case, and if you're selfishly rowing your marriage boat in a different direction than your spouse, seriously thinking about how the grass is greener on the other side, it's time to stop. It's time to put your paddles down and meet in the middle for a come to Jesus meeting. And I mean it. It's time to talk about it and take it to Jesus. To get off your chest what you need to say, to listen to what you need to hear, and to gather at the feet of our Lord and ask for His help. Who else better to turn to for saving than the Savior of the world? Who else better to seek guidance and advice from than the one who created not only marriage but also you and your spouse. He will save you, He will save your marriage, you just need to be willing to be rescued.
I remember the night was a night I was sitting on my couch trying to put together the pieces. Where had everything gone wrong? How could I fix it? I blamed myself over and over and over again, and I replayed years' worth of memories in my mind trying to see if I could solve the puzzle. I just needed answers to all of my "why's." I think that's a normal human desire, isn't it? Although it seems knowing the "why" will make things better, sometimes it just makes things worse. But well intended people, people who had probably faced some bumps in their marriages but nothing to this magnitude, were trying to help me understand. I've learned that we are all experts in the things we know nothing about. For example, how many of us know exactly how we would parent a child although we've yet to do it? Or how many of us give out relationship advice when we are single or unmarried? It's easy to do, and we're all guilty of it, including me. And so thoughts were tossed out and analyzed and I'll never forget the comment that was said. The one that cut me to the core. The one that heaped on even more blame. The one that really shouldn't have even been mentioned but is always the inevitable and "go to" for situations like these. "If they aren't getting it at home, they'll get it somewhere."
I sat in Bible Study this morning and we talked about marriage. I have realized that I will never stop learning how to be a wife or a mother. And the more opportunities I have to learn about both of those roles, the more I think through these issues. Growing up, I heard comments like "boys will be boys," to justify boyish behavior. And yet we live in a society who is, right now, focusing so much on sexual harassment and abuse that story after story is going viral and we're learning just how many people have been victims of these very things. And so if we laugh off the saying that "boys will be boys" and that is excuse enough, then why are we so upset when we hear stories of rape, of sexual exploitation, of abuse, of infidelity, of trafficking and pornography addiction? And what is "it" in marriage? What is considered enough to be faithful? Is there a standard or a gauge to make sure your spouse won't go looking elsewhere? And is that a sufficient excuse to be unfaithful to your spouse? Because here's the deal whether or not we like it. God has called us to live holy and pure lives. Not to satisfied lives, not to happy lives, not to flesh feeding lives. He has called us to be holy, just as He is holy (1 Peter 1:16). And so when we stand before a holy God in matrimony, we not only promise ourselves to our spouse, but we make a promise of faithfulness to God. I cannot imagine that we could stand in front of a holy God and say, "Lord, it was my spouse's fault that I wasn't getting "it" (and "it" could mean more than one thing) at home and so I went elsewhere for it." And that our Holy God who has called us to live holy and blameless lives will say, "That's totally fine. I understand where you are coming from so I'll be sure to hold your spouse responsible for this sin in your life and excuse you from it."
The reason marriages fall apart is sin. Period. That's it. We can get into the nitty gritty and play the blame game but we know that sin stems from selfishness, and at the end of the day, who doesn't suffer from that? We're all selfish whether or not we want to admit that, and we're all looking out for number one. My dad once told me, "No one is more concerned about your happiness than you." It's true. When we go to bed at night, who is the last person on our mind? When we wake up in the morning, who is the first person on our mind? Sin comes from wanting what we want, not what God wants. If we were as adamant to only chase the things God desires, rather than the things our flesh desires, sin wouldn't be an issue. But none the less, we let sin creep into our lives in a million ways all the while blaming others for our fall. It's in our bones, isn't it? Remember Adam and Eve. She ate the apple, but so did he, and when God called them out, what did Adam say? "That woman you put here with me - she gave me fruit from the tree and I ate it." (Genesis 3:12) So according to Adam, it was both Eve and God's fault for all of this mess they were in. Interesting how the fall is never ours to own, is it? But God didn't accept that answer, just as He accepts no sin. Our spouse is not responsible for our sin. God will not hold our spouse responsible for our sin. In fact, there is only one person who is responsible for our sin, and that's the person committing it. That's you, that's me, and we are the ones held accountable for the choices we've made. And so what are we to do then? Are we to live in unhappy matrimony? Are we to suffer in an empty marriage? Should we endure decades frustration and disappointment from our spouse when we know there's got to be a better way?
What's "it" that you want and you feel you aren't getting? What's missing? Where is the breakdown? Where lies the temptation? What's the sore spot in the relationship? You know exactly what it is, but your spouse may have no idea. Early on in our marriage, Aaron would say, "You have to directly tell me things instead of dropping hints or hoping I'll read your mind. I can't read your mind, so I don't know what you're wanting." And let me tell you, this goes both ways. A successful marriage only works when BOTH parties are working on it. Let me say that again, a successful marriage only works when BOTH parties are working on it. And so we have no excuse if we keep our mouths shut, say nothing to our spouse, and then one day surprise them with the worst news ever assuming they should have seen it coming all along. A person cannot fix a problem of which they are unaware. Just like your friend can't remove the broccoli from her teeth if she doesn't know it's there. You can see it, but if you don't say anything, she's going to ignorantly flash her broccoli smile all day until some brave person points it out. She may feel embarrassed for a moment, but she can take care of the problem and move on. Marriage is no broccoli in the teeth, but how much better it is for you to talk with your spouse about issues going on in your life so you can both work through it than for them to find out the unfortunate truth in a most devastating way when it may be too late to turn the ship around?
Every marriage is worth the risk, and every marriage is worth the work. A marriage is only too far gone if the decision is made to let it go. And the scary part of that is the unfortunate fact it doesn't have to be a mutual decision. It doesn't have to be agreed upon by both parties. All you can do is your part, and your spouse will do theirs. No one can make anyone do more or less than they want. But what is important to remember is that your marriage is not, and will never be, about you. You gave that slice of selfishness up on the day you committed your life to another and agreed that the two of you would become one. If you prefer selfishness, my recommendation to you is to embrace and enjoy your singleness. But if that isn't your case, and if you're selfishly rowing your marriage boat in a different direction than your spouse, seriously thinking about how the grass is greener on the other side, it's time to stop. It's time to put your paddles down and meet in the middle for a come to Jesus meeting. And I mean it. It's time to talk about it and take it to Jesus. To get off your chest what you need to say, to listen to what you need to hear, and to gather at the feet of our Lord and ask for His help. Who else better to turn to for saving than the Savior of the world? Who else better to seek guidance and advice from than the one who created not only marriage but also you and your spouse. He will save you, He will save your marriage, you just need to be willing to be rescued.
Comments
Post a Comment