a long time coming...

I vividly remember the night I felt God leading me to write. The idea came from far left field. I really knew nothing about blogs. From the appearance of my blog, it seems I still don't. The only experience I had with blogs consisted of a plethora of photography blogs I followed religiously. But I had been writing. Journaling, really. And they were my prayers so there was no way I would be making that information public. But for some reason God nudged my heart in the direction of a blog, and at the time I wasn't sure why. Looking back, I can see how God gave me a practical outlet to really ramp up the healing process that was slowly, but surely, taking place. I never expected much of anything from it, and I wasn't sure how long I would continue to write after my initial commitment. But writing does the soul good, and I found out that written words hold great power in the lives of others and in our own.

Somewhere along the way the idea of a book was brought up and I didn't think it was something I needed to pursue. This began a great inner struggle in my heart that I continue to wrestle with today. Because the idea of a book sounded very appealing (still does) and I was highly flattered. I honestly didn't think my content was that great, but I appreciated the confidence others had in me. I'm not an author and I didn't know where to start, but I did know that the book writing process isn't easy and, from what I could gather, is overwhelming. There are so, so, so, so many books in the world. And to make it anywhere near a shelf, I would have to make some sort of name for myself and, again, how does one even begin that journey? Plus, aren't believers supposed to make more of God and less of themselves? I wasn't sure how to successfully accomplish that through self-promotion. But as the inner dialogue continued, I asked myself if this was something I really felt compelled by God to do or if this was something I selfishly wanted. I still don't know the answer, but I know myself. I spent a few decades of my life making sure I got what I wanted and pushing my will over God's, and well, that never ended up working out for me. That was the last thing I was going to do with a book. Psalm 127:1 says, "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain." I don't want to labor in vain. I want God to build the house. I know it probably sounds like I am being super lazy and entitled, as if I am expecting God to drop a fully written and published book with my name on it out of the sky, but my driving force is the fact that I didn't want to run ahead of God chasing my own desires if that is my real underlying motive. I've learned not to trust myself because I can do a great job of making a big mess. It really is best to wait on the Lord.

But my prayer, over and over and over, has always been that God would use my words and the gifts and abilities He has given me to point others to Him. I never knew how he would, but I began asking and just leaving it there for Him to work out. That's kind of how I landed Aaron. I literally quit trying and scheming and just trusted God, and low and behold, out of the blue I meet the man of my dreams. I did nothing to make it happen other than pray about it. The same goes for my last job. I was so frustrated with my career and felt like I was stuck in a dead end with no direction. I prayed about it and decided I would quit trying to come up with some sort of solution, and out of the blue I got a call and was offered my dream job. This has happened quite often in other areas of my life, which has  caused me to be cautious and not jump into big commitments and decisions but to wait on God to bring things to pass. None of these things were a coincidence. These were acts of God that only He could do. And so as I was praying for God-given opportunities, I was offered a few. My heart was overjoyed that God was entrusting me with these precious opportunities to teach His word through writing and speaking. And just when I began feeling a little momentum and motivation in my sails, I found out I was pregnant.

There are a lot of super moms out there. I'm not one. I am a mom who is just that. A mom. I have focused solely on motherhood and am giving it all of my energy - well, what little energy I have. I'm not trying to be a mom-trepreneur, and I have great admiration for women who are. But God has cut me from a different cloth, and He knows what I can and can't handle. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. And although I know in my head that this is such a rich season of life that will pass so quickly, I don't always feel it in my heart. And so I felt like my time was up. The opportunities were over. It was short lived, but it was fun while it lasted. It was my fault for letting the momentum die and not continuing to push through and make something happen. I should have been more like so-and-so who has a bundle of kids and somehow, miraculously, still cranks out books and blog posts and has really clever Instagram photos. But my heart had zero desire to learn the tricks of the trade.I had been praying for so long and asking for opportunities outside of my blog, but it seemed like God didn't have a spot open for me and so I just decided to let it go. I would keep writing because that's where it all started, and God wasn't going to stop teaching me things I could write about.

But then out of the blue, after a long dry spell, I received a message in September that said, "I need an amazing speaker for Phi Lamb's retreat this semester, and you were the first person I thought of....". My heart began turning cartwheels. I couldn't believe I was being asked to speak at retreat. Not only was this a special request because I'm a Phi Lamb alum, but because I had literally prayed and asked for this opportunity for years - many years ago. When Aaron and I started serving the college ministry, I met so many Phi Lamb girls and made sure they knew I was an alum. I hoped with all my heart that they would ask me to come back and speak at retreat. I prayed about it, assuring God this would be a really great opportunity, but they always found someone else. I hadn't even considered this for the past few years, so you can imagine my shock and surprise when the request came my way. And I didn't hesitate to say yes, because if there's one thing I've learned, you always say yes when God gives you the opportunity you've been praying for no matter how good, or bad, the timing may seem.

I shared for about an hour and half with a group of 180 girls on Saturday, and I felt like I could take on the world. In Psalm 18:29, the Psalmist says, "with my God I can scale a wall." I could have written those words myself! I felt energized and alive. I spent so much time pouring over God's word in preparation and it created such a unique sense of fulfillment in my heart that I haven't had in a while. I know I have a purpose and that I'm living it each day, but this opportunity gave me a different sense of purpose. And as I drove to the ranch that morning, my heart was overjoyed. I was so grateful God was answering this long-time coming prayer in this manner. It really was perfect timing, too. But God has used various methods as of late to show me that He gives us seasons of rest to help us learn and grow and to give us experiences that we need. These seasons are gifts. It's like a moment on the bench for a player who needs to catch their breath and rest before stepping back into the game. The coach isn't calling the player out mid-game because he doesn't want that player on the team any longer. He's making sure the athlete isn't running the risk of being overworked and is allowing him a moment of refreshment. That way, he's energized and ready to step back in and play his best. He doesn't have to be on the field the entire time in order for the team to win. The coach will put the right player in the right position to ensure the team's success and victory!

And so maybe, like me, you feel like a bench warmer. Maybe it seems like your opportunity to go in has passed and it's not coming back around. Well, take heart in knowing that God hears your prayers. Sometimes he answers quickly, and that's always nice. But some answers are a long time coming. They'll come at the right time. And so wait. Wait on the Lord and trust that He will put you in the game when the time is right and when you're best prepared. The bench is a powerful place to be. It's a place of opportunity. A place where you can learn and grow and develop. You get to watch, listen, and you have some relief from pressure. But your time will come. The game is long and it's not over. Bench warmer or not, we're all part of the team. And God will use each one of us as He leads us towards victory.

"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right path for his name's sake." - Psalm 23:2-3

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