struggling...
Where have I been? Maybe you have or haven't noticed the dramatic decline of blogs over the past few months. Well, the secret is out. I've been growing a human being, which has really taken it out of me. When I reached my initial goal of 1000 posts, I decided I would keep blogging and aim for once a week - give or take - because the truth is, it's a lot easier to not write than it is. But this tiny human, coupled with the other tiny human running around my house, has taken every ounce of physical and mental energy I have and things that are not 100% necessary have been pushed to the back burner. The backest (I know that's not a real word) burner possible because, truth me told, my care meter is running low.
And so here I am, once again, writing about struggles. I get it. This sounds like one of those first world problem struggles and maybe I'm just being a real wimp. I probably am. I have so many friends who've had nightmarish pregnancies and managed their lives just fine. Here I am, feeling like I've been riding in a car up and down winding mountains for weeks, and I am hoping the ride is almost over. All I want to do is lay down and nap at any given point in the day. I could sleep for 10 hours, take a long nap, and still be ready to go to bed by 8:00 every night. And so you can imagine how my little household has suffered. Our laundry gets done when Aaron finally tells me he's wearing his last pair of clean underwear because I swear I just did it the day before. And by the time I fold it and get it put up, he's back to the last pair. Our refrigerator has been home to leftovers for probably a good month because I have only cooked a handful of meals since then. It's been fast food and take out city around our dinner table, and although I feel terrible for making my family eat their weight in french fries, no one has complained. Myself. Well, I could probably use a good week of personal maintenance. I shower every day. That's the only guarantee I can make right now. And the few days a week that I do expend energy to look presentable are made up by the other days of the week when I put on sweatpants and my trusty hair clip.
Here's a story to help you understand the desperation of my family and the level of my care meter. You all know how much I consider purchases. And you all know how much we've been working on renovating our home. Our last big project consisted of laying wood floors, which are practically impossible to keep clean, especially with a toddler. And so my precious husband said, "Let's buy a Roomba." I didn't even question him. We went to Walmart and shelled out a ridiculous amount of money for this self cleaning device, and I couldn't be more happy about it. It does a much needed job that I am currently falling behind on, and I just consider this one of the ways we work smarter - not harder. And when I realize how much I am struggling right now with one child and one on the way, I start to wonder how I'm really going to manage with two.
I believe God calls us to parenthood, and that looks different for everyone. For some it's a bunch of kids and for some it's one. For some it's adoption or foster care, and for some it's spiritual parenthood. But God clearly commanded Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. Why, you ask? Because people are made in the image of God. We go to great lengths to save the whales and forests, so how much more significant that we fill the earth with people who are walking reflections of God? And for followers of Jesus, this is how we keep fighting back the darkness. Our children are arrows, weapons for the Lord, to carry forth light. But it's scary and it's hard. Parenthood is so, so, so very hard and not the least big glamorous or convenient. I know that I'm only a few years in, but I do believe that the newborn through toddler stage is the most demanding and exhausting phase because they need you every. single. moment. And with all that is going on and happening in this world, it can almost seem like we're doing the future generation a favor by not birthing them into this mess. That's exactly what the enemy wants us to believe. But God isn't surprised, and the world has never been a good place since Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. In fact, it's going to keep getting worse before it gets better. The Bible tells me so.
And so I am trying to keep this in mind. That God isn't giving me children because I am an awesome mom. Clearly, as you can see, I've got a lot of work to do. I am reminding myself that God isn't giving me children because of my home organization skills, dinner menus, or wardrobe. He hasn't called me to the role of motherhood because I'm really well rounded, talented, or capable - I'm not. I struggle through this. Each day, I struggle. And I am beginning to see that I am adding to that struggle as I will soon be outnumbered on a daily basis. And in a few more years, Aaron and I will both be outnumbered 24/7. But I truly believe that God allows all sorts of struggles into our lives to help us remember that he never intended for us to manage through life on our own. I so wish parenthood was easy. I wish raising children was a breeze. If that were the case, it wouldn't begin with labor. But we labor through the process long after the delivery date. In fact, we labor in parenthood until we die. It's not an easy process, but God doesn't call us to a life that is easy. He calls us to a life of holiness. And how do we get there? By living out his commands in the way He designed them. Because through the struggles we realize that we need him. That we weren't created to be independent entities, capable of handling life on our own. We were designed to be dependent on someone greater. Someone who can carry any burden. And someone who never tires doing so.
And so I find myself coming before the Lord and admitting that I am not sure how to do this. I want to, and I want to do it well. But I also know my limitations, which are many. Many, many, many. My capabilities are few, and my struggles have become increasingly great. But I also know that I don't have to do this alone. God is faithful to provide me with all that I need as I labor. In fact, 2 Peter 1:3 tells us that God, by his divine power, has given us everything we need for living a Godly life. And our children are, in fact, his children, too, so the same goes for them. As a sweet friend told me, we're just glorified babysitters. We are here to do our best. To honor God. To raise our children up in the way they should go. And the more I process that, it brings relief. And so I am choosing to take on the yoke of parenthood designed by God. The yoke that is helpful, gentle, and light.
And so here I am, once again, writing about struggles. I get it. This sounds like one of those first world problem struggles and maybe I'm just being a real wimp. I probably am. I have so many friends who've had nightmarish pregnancies and managed their lives just fine. Here I am, feeling like I've been riding in a car up and down winding mountains for weeks, and I am hoping the ride is almost over. All I want to do is lay down and nap at any given point in the day. I could sleep for 10 hours, take a long nap, and still be ready to go to bed by 8:00 every night. And so you can imagine how my little household has suffered. Our laundry gets done when Aaron finally tells me he's wearing his last pair of clean underwear because I swear I just did it the day before. And by the time I fold it and get it put up, he's back to the last pair. Our refrigerator has been home to leftovers for probably a good month because I have only cooked a handful of meals since then. It's been fast food and take out city around our dinner table, and although I feel terrible for making my family eat their weight in french fries, no one has complained. Myself. Well, I could probably use a good week of personal maintenance. I shower every day. That's the only guarantee I can make right now. And the few days a week that I do expend energy to look presentable are made up by the other days of the week when I put on sweatpants and my trusty hair clip.
Here's a story to help you understand the desperation of my family and the level of my care meter. You all know how much I consider purchases. And you all know how much we've been working on renovating our home. Our last big project consisted of laying wood floors, which are practically impossible to keep clean, especially with a toddler. And so my precious husband said, "Let's buy a Roomba." I didn't even question him. We went to Walmart and shelled out a ridiculous amount of money for this self cleaning device, and I couldn't be more happy about it. It does a much needed job that I am currently falling behind on, and I just consider this one of the ways we work smarter - not harder. And when I realize how much I am struggling right now with one child and one on the way, I start to wonder how I'm really going to manage with two.
I believe God calls us to parenthood, and that looks different for everyone. For some it's a bunch of kids and for some it's one. For some it's adoption or foster care, and for some it's spiritual parenthood. But God clearly commanded Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. Why, you ask? Because people are made in the image of God. We go to great lengths to save the whales and forests, so how much more significant that we fill the earth with people who are walking reflections of God? And for followers of Jesus, this is how we keep fighting back the darkness. Our children are arrows, weapons for the Lord, to carry forth light. But it's scary and it's hard. Parenthood is so, so, so very hard and not the least big glamorous or convenient. I know that I'm only a few years in, but I do believe that the newborn through toddler stage is the most demanding and exhausting phase because they need you every. single. moment. And with all that is going on and happening in this world, it can almost seem like we're doing the future generation a favor by not birthing them into this mess. That's exactly what the enemy wants us to believe. But God isn't surprised, and the world has never been a good place since Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. In fact, it's going to keep getting worse before it gets better. The Bible tells me so.
And so I am trying to keep this in mind. That God isn't giving me children because I am an awesome mom. Clearly, as you can see, I've got a lot of work to do. I am reminding myself that God isn't giving me children because of my home organization skills, dinner menus, or wardrobe. He hasn't called me to the role of motherhood because I'm really well rounded, talented, or capable - I'm not. I struggle through this. Each day, I struggle. And I am beginning to see that I am adding to that struggle as I will soon be outnumbered on a daily basis. And in a few more years, Aaron and I will both be outnumbered 24/7. But I truly believe that God allows all sorts of struggles into our lives to help us remember that he never intended for us to manage through life on our own. I so wish parenthood was easy. I wish raising children was a breeze. If that were the case, it wouldn't begin with labor. But we labor through the process long after the delivery date. In fact, we labor in parenthood until we die. It's not an easy process, but God doesn't call us to a life that is easy. He calls us to a life of holiness. And how do we get there? By living out his commands in the way He designed them. Because through the struggles we realize that we need him. That we weren't created to be independent entities, capable of handling life on our own. We were designed to be dependent on someone greater. Someone who can carry any burden. And someone who never tires doing so.
And so I find myself coming before the Lord and admitting that I am not sure how to do this. I want to, and I want to do it well. But I also know my limitations, which are many. Many, many, many. My capabilities are few, and my struggles have become increasingly great. But I also know that I don't have to do this alone. God is faithful to provide me with all that I need as I labor. In fact, 2 Peter 1:3 tells us that God, by his divine power, has given us everything we need for living a Godly life. And our children are, in fact, his children, too, so the same goes for them. As a sweet friend told me, we're just glorified babysitters. We are here to do our best. To honor God. To raise our children up in the way they should go. And the more I process that, it brings relief. And so I am choosing to take on the yoke of parenthood designed by God. The yoke that is helpful, gentle, and light.
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