in great need of help...
I didn't get around to writing you last month, Annabeth, and I'm hardly making it in time this month. Finding a moment to write has been quite the challenge these days. I know that won't always be the case, but time slips by so quickly that I'm trying to be intentional to write so I don't forget what all has happened in your life and what I want to share with you.
A lot has happened since my last post to you. For starters, you became a big sister! I knew you'd be a great big sister, and you proved me right! I did, however, set my expectations really low in the event that it wasn't a smooth transition and you totally blew me out of the water. I swear you morphed into a little teenager the few days I was in the hospital with Madelyn. Your first meeting was so sweet, and you've been really kind to her since she arrived. You aren't overly concerned with her, but every now and then you'll get the urge to hold her or love on her. You're usually concerned when she cries and you'll say sweet things like, "It's okay. I'm here! You're not by yourself!" You've also commented many times about how sweet and tiny her little hands and feet are. One morning you were nuzzling her and said, "I'm gonna eat her!" I assumed this was an expression and not a literal statement. Next thing I know I hear a shriek from Madelyn and her little foot was wet. That's the only time, thus far, that we've had a painful incident and hopefully it will be one of the few for a good, long while. You've let her join in on our snuggle sessions, occasionally asking me to put her down or hand her to Daddy. But you never want to leave her behind anywhere and make sure to let our visitors know that they cannot take her with them. You've offered to help feed her, change her, bathe her, and hold her. Honestly, I couldn't be happier with how you've transitioned into the role of big sister. You certainly make me so proud!
The first few weeks home with Madelyn were difficult for me because I couldn't hold you or pick you up. Not only was I recovering from a c-section but I had excruciating back pain. You understood that I had a big "boo boo" from the hospital so you didn't ask me to hold you. Everyone else did the lifting and by the end of the first week I felt as if I had fallen from my good standing of first place. One of the biggest challenges I have faced with having you and Madelyn is finding a way to give you both the amount of attention you need and want. I am sure this will be a challenge forever, but I'm doing my best! Anyway, I probably shouldn't have lifted you as soon as I did but I couldn't stand not holding you and, frankly, a month (based on the doctor's recommendations) was too long in my opinion . I finally healed enough to start carrying you again and the first morning I lifted you out of your bed you gave me the biggest smile and said, "your boo boo's all better?" I was amazed at how much I had missed holding you, and the truth is, my holding days are getting less and less and I don't know how I feel about that.
I wish I could follow you around with a recorder because you crack me up with the things you say. You are a chatterbox. In fact, I hardly remember a time in your life when you didn't talk! But you've started dancing and singing a lot over the past two months and I just love it! I think it is absolutely precious! You've really become a girly girl. You love "princess" dresses, shoes, jewelry, and make up. You always notice if my nails are painted. You dig through all of my things. There is not a space or a drawer of mine that you've left untouched. You give the sweetest compliments and have started saying "I love you" completely unprompted. You'll tell me that I look beautiful or adorable when I "dress up." You are still full of spirit and spunk, and you're a clever little girl!
You're basically potty trained when you want to be. I'd love for you to go ahead and decide to commit to the process full time. You also discovered how to climb out of your crib and are really proud of yourself for doing so. You can dress yourself and are starting to form opinions about what you want to wear. If you don't like something you'll say, "that's not beautiful." And when we finally land on something you like you'll say, "that's my favorite!" You have no problem expressing your feelings whatsoever!
The last two weeks have been a little bit of a challenge. I don't know if it's age or the change of becoming a big sister or what exactly to attribute it to but for about two weeks you were giving your dad and I a run for our money. Now, when I compare you to your peers your behavior is totally normal. I know children go through rough patches because that's just part of learning and growing. And since you're my first child, we're growing and learning together. I'm having to learn how to discipline and instruct you. When to dole out consequences and when to show grace. How to be loving but firm. It's tricky! And so I was feeling pretty frustrated and, frankly, like a failure. Like maybe it was my parenting that was the problem and I wasn't sure what to do. You absolutely hate standing in the corner and, unfortunately, you were racking up quite a bit of corner time. My job as your mother is to mold you into a responsible, mature, God-fearing adult, which is no small task. Discipline is no fun for anyone but is absolutely necessary to keep children from becoming total tyrants. It really is for your own good although I know you don't see that right now. Anyway, I had listened to an interview with Beth Moore concerning parenthood and she mentioned that most of our battles concerning our children would be fought through prayer. She also encouraged parents to show grace and not withhold love so that their children would better understand God. She said, "your kids don't expect you to be perfect but they don't want you to be a hypocrite."
I want you to love God, and I want you to know I love Him, too. Truthfully, I could do a much better job of living out my faith in front of you. And as a parent, sometimes we don't want our kids to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to know we are clueless and helpless and maybe a little out of control. We don't always allow ourselves to be completely vulnerable before our children because we're supposed to have it together, we think. We're supposed to be in control at all times. But I'll tell you right now that parenthood can be terrifying. I am bigger and stronger than you and I can find myself battling fear. But I've realized that you're going to see my love and devotion to God through action. You need to witness me reading my Bible, praying, worshiping. That way, you know it's authentic and you know that I'm depending on and trusting Him. I can tell you that I love and trust God until I'm blue in the face but if you don't see me doing it, you won't believe me.
And so after a challenging morning, only about 2 hours in and fearing for the rest of the day, we found ourselves battling on your bedroom floor. I was attempting to get you dressed for the day and you weren't cooperating. I said, "Annabeth, today is going to be a good day. Today, we're going to listen and be kind and patient. That way, you don't get in trouble. It makes me sad when you get in trouble and I want us to be happy today." You started fussing again and I said, "Let's pray about our day." "I DON'T WANT TO PRAY," you pouted. "Okay, well I do so I'll pray and you can listen if you'd like." On my knees, head bowed, you laying beside me I said, "God, help us today. Give Annabeth a sweet spirit and an obedient heart. Help her listen and help her to be kind and loving. And help Mommy to be patient and fair. Give Mommy wisdom and help her show grace, love, and kindness, too. We want to do this so we can honor you today in the way we act and treat one another. Amen"
We had a good day. And I was reminded, once again, that we aren't supposed to be pulling from our own resources to navigate through life. Why would we when we have God Almighty on our side? Why would we rely on our own strength when He will gladly give us His? Why would we ever assume that we're left to our own devices when He's made the way for us to boldly approach His throne with confidence so we can find what we need when we need it? This is how we get through life, Annabeth. Prayer. And what a privilege to be able to fall on our knees and pray at any time about any thing. I am going to mess up a million times over as your mother. I really am just figuring out as I go. But I want you to know that, when I do get it right, it's not because I'm so smart and capable. It's because God is good and gracious. I'm in great need of help, and He is a great helper! And so my simple, desperate prayer could be echoed over every day. "God, help us honor you in the way we act and treat one another." And if we both do that, I think we'll have ourselves a whole lot of good days!
A lot has happened since my last post to you. For starters, you became a big sister! I knew you'd be a great big sister, and you proved me right! I did, however, set my expectations really low in the event that it wasn't a smooth transition and you totally blew me out of the water. I swear you morphed into a little teenager the few days I was in the hospital with Madelyn. Your first meeting was so sweet, and you've been really kind to her since she arrived. You aren't overly concerned with her, but every now and then you'll get the urge to hold her or love on her. You're usually concerned when she cries and you'll say sweet things like, "It's okay. I'm here! You're not by yourself!" You've also commented many times about how sweet and tiny her little hands and feet are. One morning you were nuzzling her and said, "I'm gonna eat her!" I assumed this was an expression and not a literal statement. Next thing I know I hear a shriek from Madelyn and her little foot was wet. That's the only time, thus far, that we've had a painful incident and hopefully it will be one of the few for a good, long while. You've let her join in on our snuggle sessions, occasionally asking me to put her down or hand her to Daddy. But you never want to leave her behind anywhere and make sure to let our visitors know that they cannot take her with them. You've offered to help feed her, change her, bathe her, and hold her. Honestly, I couldn't be happier with how you've transitioned into the role of big sister. You certainly make me so proud!
The first few weeks home with Madelyn were difficult for me because I couldn't hold you or pick you up. Not only was I recovering from a c-section but I had excruciating back pain. You understood that I had a big "boo boo" from the hospital so you didn't ask me to hold you. Everyone else did the lifting and by the end of the first week I felt as if I had fallen from my good standing of first place. One of the biggest challenges I have faced with having you and Madelyn is finding a way to give you both the amount of attention you need and want. I am sure this will be a challenge forever, but I'm doing my best! Anyway, I probably shouldn't have lifted you as soon as I did but I couldn't stand not holding you and, frankly, a month (based on the doctor's recommendations) was too long in my opinion . I finally healed enough to start carrying you again and the first morning I lifted you out of your bed you gave me the biggest smile and said, "your boo boo's all better?" I was amazed at how much I had missed holding you, and the truth is, my holding days are getting less and less and I don't know how I feel about that.
I wish I could follow you around with a recorder because you crack me up with the things you say. You are a chatterbox. In fact, I hardly remember a time in your life when you didn't talk! But you've started dancing and singing a lot over the past two months and I just love it! I think it is absolutely precious! You've really become a girly girl. You love "princess" dresses, shoes, jewelry, and make up. You always notice if my nails are painted. You dig through all of my things. There is not a space or a drawer of mine that you've left untouched. You give the sweetest compliments and have started saying "I love you" completely unprompted. You'll tell me that I look beautiful or adorable when I "dress up." You are still full of spirit and spunk, and you're a clever little girl!
You're basically potty trained when you want to be. I'd love for you to go ahead and decide to commit to the process full time. You also discovered how to climb out of your crib and are really proud of yourself for doing so. You can dress yourself and are starting to form opinions about what you want to wear. If you don't like something you'll say, "that's not beautiful." And when we finally land on something you like you'll say, "that's my favorite!" You have no problem expressing your feelings whatsoever!
The last two weeks have been a little bit of a challenge. I don't know if it's age or the change of becoming a big sister or what exactly to attribute it to but for about two weeks you were giving your dad and I a run for our money. Now, when I compare you to your peers your behavior is totally normal. I know children go through rough patches because that's just part of learning and growing. And since you're my first child, we're growing and learning together. I'm having to learn how to discipline and instruct you. When to dole out consequences and when to show grace. How to be loving but firm. It's tricky! And so I was feeling pretty frustrated and, frankly, like a failure. Like maybe it was my parenting that was the problem and I wasn't sure what to do. You absolutely hate standing in the corner and, unfortunately, you were racking up quite a bit of corner time. My job as your mother is to mold you into a responsible, mature, God-fearing adult, which is no small task. Discipline is no fun for anyone but is absolutely necessary to keep children from becoming total tyrants. It really is for your own good although I know you don't see that right now. Anyway, I had listened to an interview with Beth Moore concerning parenthood and she mentioned that most of our battles concerning our children would be fought through prayer. She also encouraged parents to show grace and not withhold love so that their children would better understand God. She said, "your kids don't expect you to be perfect but they don't want you to be a hypocrite."
I want you to love God, and I want you to know I love Him, too. Truthfully, I could do a much better job of living out my faith in front of you. And as a parent, sometimes we don't want our kids to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to know we are clueless and helpless and maybe a little out of control. We don't always allow ourselves to be completely vulnerable before our children because we're supposed to have it together, we think. We're supposed to be in control at all times. But I'll tell you right now that parenthood can be terrifying. I am bigger and stronger than you and I can find myself battling fear. But I've realized that you're going to see my love and devotion to God through action. You need to witness me reading my Bible, praying, worshiping. That way, you know it's authentic and you know that I'm depending on and trusting Him. I can tell you that I love and trust God until I'm blue in the face but if you don't see me doing it, you won't believe me.
And so after a challenging morning, only about 2 hours in and fearing for the rest of the day, we found ourselves battling on your bedroom floor. I was attempting to get you dressed for the day and you weren't cooperating. I said, "Annabeth, today is going to be a good day. Today, we're going to listen and be kind and patient. That way, you don't get in trouble. It makes me sad when you get in trouble and I want us to be happy today." You started fussing again and I said, "Let's pray about our day." "I DON'T WANT TO PRAY," you pouted. "Okay, well I do so I'll pray and you can listen if you'd like." On my knees, head bowed, you laying beside me I said, "God, help us today. Give Annabeth a sweet spirit and an obedient heart. Help her listen and help her to be kind and loving. And help Mommy to be patient and fair. Give Mommy wisdom and help her show grace, love, and kindness, too. We want to do this so we can honor you today in the way we act and treat one another. Amen"
We had a good day. And I was reminded, once again, that we aren't supposed to be pulling from our own resources to navigate through life. Why would we when we have God Almighty on our side? Why would we rely on our own strength when He will gladly give us His? Why would we ever assume that we're left to our own devices when He's made the way for us to boldly approach His throne with confidence so we can find what we need when we need it? This is how we get through life, Annabeth. Prayer. And what a privilege to be able to fall on our knees and pray at any time about any thing. I am going to mess up a million times over as your mother. I really am just figuring out as I go. But I want you to know that, when I do get it right, it's not because I'm so smart and capable. It's because God is good and gracious. I'm in great need of help, and He is a great helper! And so my simple, desperate prayer could be echoed over every day. "God, help us honor you in the way we act and treat one another." And if we both do that, I think we'll have ourselves a whole lot of good days!
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