if you're looking for happiness, get a dog...
We've been hooked on a show called Married At First Sight. It's exactly what it sounds like. Single people go though a rigorous interview process and are matched up with another individual based on the results of their interviews. They don't meet their match until the day of the wedding, so the first time they meet, they say "I do." Crazy, right? Well, two seasons in, and none of the couples have worked out. It's quite disappointing to watch these relationships fall apart on TV as the couples talk about how much they want to be married yet give a less than stellar effort to staying together. The final episode of season 3 aired tonight, and as all of the couples were interviewed about their decision, each one of them mentioned that their entire decision was based on their happiness. No one breathed a word of commitment although months earlier, they promised one another that was what they were signing up for.
Aaron and I wrote our own vows. I'm a traditional girl, and I don't have a problem repeating the age-old wedding vows that have been said for centuries. But we all know those vows. For better, for worse... for richer, for poorer... in sickness, in health... til death do us part. And while I agree with every single one on those words, I wanted us to write our own promises. In my opinion, the traditional vows are a basic expectation, and if you can't agree to those, you shouldn't even consider marriage. And so I wanted Aaron and I both to really think about what we would promise one another. What we would commit to doing for one another as long as the Lord gave us time together. I wanted to go deeper than the expectation. And I wanted us to challenge ourselves to really think seriously about those things. I didn't want to absent mindedly repeat words after a minister. Our marriage is unique, and I wanted our vows to reflect what our marriage would look like.
I never promised I'd make him happy. Never. And he never promised me that, either. In fact, the word happy didn't make an appearance in our vows, and when people asked me why I wanted to marry Aaron, I never once mentioned that he made me happy. Surely they saw it, but that wasn't the reason I was committing my life to him. Why? Because happiness is a feeling, and our feelings often take us to places far from reality. I didn't want to base the rest of my life off an emotion that could change with circumstances. I also didn't want to be the one holding sole responsibility for someone else's happiness because I'd certainly fail were that the case. And I knew that entering a relationship based on temporary, shallow feelings based off of unrealistic expectations was a sure fire recipe for disaster.
I'll never forget the night I sat in Counselor Mark's office, and he said, "Jesus didn't promise us a life of happiness. No where in the bible will you find that. He promised us an abundant life." You see happiness can easily translate into selfishness. In stead of saying, "You don't make me happy," we might say, "I am being really selfish right now and only thinking about how I feel." I know that sounds harsh to say, or admit, but this is the truth. We're thinking about how we feel. About how the other person is making us feel. About how we're choosing to respond. And, like the saying goes, you can get happy in the same pants you got mad in. It's a choice. Just like commitment. Yet the beauty of basing your marriage on commitment is that when happiness isn't present, your spouse still is.
Am I happy every single moment of every single day? No, sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I am cranky, exhausted, or irritated. Sometimes I feel unhappy, and sometimes I make my husband feel unhappy, too. But when those moments of unhappiness begin to come, no matter how long they might stay, I remind myself that they are temporary yet my marriage is permanent. I remember that I said "I do" to all things. That I promised my husband I would never give up, would always try, and would continuously work on our relationship so that it would succeed. And I remember that we committed to a life that includes so much more than happiness.
So if you're looking for happiness, get a dog... preferably a cute, well behaved one. If you're looking for abundance, get married. If you're looking for a life that will challenge you to become a better version of yourself, a life that will teach you patience, perseverance, and endurance, fully commit yourself to someone for the rest of your days. Because although we don't get married so that we'll be happy, an ironic little thing takes place. We fight, we make up, we grow, we're challenged, we push through the tough times, we enjoy the good times, and then we look back over all of our days together only to realize that somehow, someway, happiness found a way to weave itself into the middle of it all leaving a beautiful trail of blessings.
"...I have come that they may have life and have it more abundantly." - John 10:10
Aaron and I wrote our own vows. I'm a traditional girl, and I don't have a problem repeating the age-old wedding vows that have been said for centuries. But we all know those vows. For better, for worse... for richer, for poorer... in sickness, in health... til death do us part. And while I agree with every single one on those words, I wanted us to write our own promises. In my opinion, the traditional vows are a basic expectation, and if you can't agree to those, you shouldn't even consider marriage. And so I wanted Aaron and I both to really think about what we would promise one another. What we would commit to doing for one another as long as the Lord gave us time together. I wanted to go deeper than the expectation. And I wanted us to challenge ourselves to really think seriously about those things. I didn't want to absent mindedly repeat words after a minister. Our marriage is unique, and I wanted our vows to reflect what our marriage would look like.
I never promised I'd make him happy. Never. And he never promised me that, either. In fact, the word happy didn't make an appearance in our vows, and when people asked me why I wanted to marry Aaron, I never once mentioned that he made me happy. Surely they saw it, but that wasn't the reason I was committing my life to him. Why? Because happiness is a feeling, and our feelings often take us to places far from reality. I didn't want to base the rest of my life off an emotion that could change with circumstances. I also didn't want to be the one holding sole responsibility for someone else's happiness because I'd certainly fail were that the case. And I knew that entering a relationship based on temporary, shallow feelings based off of unrealistic expectations was a sure fire recipe for disaster.
I'll never forget the night I sat in Counselor Mark's office, and he said, "Jesus didn't promise us a life of happiness. No where in the bible will you find that. He promised us an abundant life." You see happiness can easily translate into selfishness. In stead of saying, "You don't make me happy," we might say, "I am being really selfish right now and only thinking about how I feel." I know that sounds harsh to say, or admit, but this is the truth. We're thinking about how we feel. About how the other person is making us feel. About how we're choosing to respond. And, like the saying goes, you can get happy in the same pants you got mad in. It's a choice. Just like commitment. Yet the beauty of basing your marriage on commitment is that when happiness isn't present, your spouse still is.
Am I happy every single moment of every single day? No, sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I am cranky, exhausted, or irritated. Sometimes I feel unhappy, and sometimes I make my husband feel unhappy, too. But when those moments of unhappiness begin to come, no matter how long they might stay, I remind myself that they are temporary yet my marriage is permanent. I remember that I said "I do" to all things. That I promised my husband I would never give up, would always try, and would continuously work on our relationship so that it would succeed. And I remember that we committed to a life that includes so much more than happiness.
So if you're looking for happiness, get a dog... preferably a cute, well behaved one. If you're looking for abundance, get married. If you're looking for a life that will challenge you to become a better version of yourself, a life that will teach you patience, perseverance, and endurance, fully commit yourself to someone for the rest of your days. Because although we don't get married so that we'll be happy, an ironic little thing takes place. We fight, we make up, we grow, we're challenged, we push through the tough times, we enjoy the good times, and then we look back over all of our days together only to realize that somehow, someway, happiness found a way to weave itself into the middle of it all leaving a beautiful trail of blessings.
"...I have come that they may have life and have it more abundantly." - John 10:10
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