the struggle comes not with needing to say something... but with saying nothing...

There are days when I have those moments. I’m trying to be better about it. About those moments and the way I handle them, that is. There are those days when I’ve hit my limit. Days when my buttons have been pressed so hard, over and over and over again, that I want to scream things like, “Seriously?!?! What is your problem?!” Days where my patience is really thin because this is just a recurring discussion and I feel like I’ve repeated myself one hundred million times. (I bet this is a foreshadowing of parenthood, isn’t it?) There are days when I am tired of waiting on responses, days when I really want to quit caring, and days when I want to throw my hands up and just stop trying.

 

I have to talk about it, to share my thoughts, or I’ll explode. I have to get it off my chest. I just can’t stand holding it in. I have to tell someone. I need a listening ear who will say, “Wow! That’s frustrating! I’m sorry about that!” Because who doesn’t love a little sympathy, right? Who doesn’t want someone to send little condolences their way when needed? And so the struggle comes not with needing something to say but with saying nothing. With biting my tongue. With keeping my thoughts to myself. With treating others the way I would want to be treated regardless of how I might feel like really responding. Of not matching their actions, their words, their emotions, but remaining professional. And some days, especially on these days where I feel overwhelmingly tired and a little nauseous, I’m finding that I can certainly get to those moments a lot faster, and stay in them a lot longer, than normal.

 

But it’s these moments of complete frustration that God uses to teach me more about myself. About our relationship. I am pretty certain that this is me. If God wasn’t infinitely patient, if he wasn’t slow to anger, I’d cease to exists because I bet you I’ve push every single button possible. Multiple times. If God wasn’t completely merciful, I wouldn’t have lived to make it this far. Because when I start to experience these moments that make my blood boil and my heart race, I see myself. I see myself saying, “God, you better give me complete control of what I want right now. I don’t want to do it your way. I am pretty certain I know what is best, even though you created me and you know my inmost being, and I want to do this myself. I don’t want your input. I don’t want your thoughts, opinions, or expertise. I don’t want your help, either. At least, not right now. Maybe when I get in a bind but I’m pretty sure I’m going to be just fine. So just give me what I want right now. I’m not going to let this go. I’m not going to drop this, either. I’m going to be persistent, and I’m going to ask you one hundred million times in every way possible regardless of the answer you give me. I’m not giving up. No sir, I will find a way to obtain this somehow. And when you respond, which better be like ASAP by the way, don’t really expect a reply from me. Unless you don’t give me what I want, and then you know the drill…”.

 

Is that you, too? We call on God, we relentlessly ask, and maybe because of his insurmountable grace, He grants our request. And then we’re silent. We don’t respond. We don’t say thank you. We show no sign of appreciation because well, we “deserved” it and it’s about time, anyway. Until we begin to complain. Until it gets too hard. Until we aren’t really certain what we’re supposed to do now that we’ve been given this responsibility, and then we go back and we need help. Never mind we ask for much needed forgiveness – just help.

 

Well my tongue is raw today and my heart is humbled. Just when I think I’ve got it figured out, I’m reminded that I’ve got a long ways to go. Thank goodness God was gracious enough to give me eternity to get it right. A little perspective can make a world of difference, can’t it? Maybe, just maybe, rather than relentlessly asking, we accept God’s answers. Rather than trying to do everything on our own and take complete control, we let God do His part. Maybe it really is okay if we don’t get our way because we know God will be absolutely faithful to provide exactly what we need rather than setting us up for failure or letting us down. And maybe, if we do our part, if we trust Him, if we rely on Him, and if we let Him work in His ways, we’ll see that everything’s going to be alright.  

 

“Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness." -Exodus 34:6