Sugar Bug...
I had been praying for this for like... my whole life. Well, really more like the last 7 or 8 years of my life. But I knew I wanted it my whole life. I figured before I was 30, I'd have three little ones running around. My plan was to get married young, wait a year before having one, and then space them out every two years after that. Seemed like a good idea to me. Unfortunately, my plans began to convolute. All the things I thought I had wanted I no longer wanted. I remember thinking about children when I turned 22 and again at 23, and the desire was completely gone. I couldn't figure out why or put my finger on it, but the thought of adding children to my life seemed like a bad one. I was concerned that this life long desire of mine was gone, and two months after my 24 birthday, it made sense. My plans were unraveling in a way I didn't expect, and I began to fear that the desires of my heart would never be met.
Three months before I turned 26, Aaron and I got married. I still felt really young. Too young to have a baby. We went on our honeymoon, and it seemed that something was a little off when we came home. My body wasn't acting its normal self, and I told my brand new husband that maybe, just maybe, I was pregnant. Of course, not knowing how the whole thing works when it comes to timing, there was no way I could have known so quickly, but we bought a pregnancy test to see if that was the case. As we sat on the bed waiting the required three minutes, I didn't know what to feel. Part of me was terrified, and part of me was excited. I knew this wouldn't be the best timing. I definitely wanted to enjoy the newness of marriage before adding a baby to the mix, but I also knew that we could handle it. Three minutes passed, and there was only one pink line. A sense of sadness and relief washed over me, and after a trip to the doctor the next day, I learned that bladder infections can play tricks on your body in the same way the early stages of pregnancy can.
We had our first discussion about starting a family about 7 months into marriage. It did not go well. I didn't feel too discouraged since we had only been married a few months, and I figured by the time we made it to 1 year, we'd be good to go. But one year rolled around, and I spent the week of our first anniversary crying as the discussion of children had not gone any better than the first one. My fears of not having a baby continued to grow, and as many of my friends were announcing their pregnancies, just as many were sharing their struggles of infertility - both of which only increased my anxiety and doubt that I would ever have a baby of my own.
Life began to pick up and as I had done before, I decided that I would throw myself with full force into the current stage I was in. We were young, married, child-less, and I figured we'd live it up. If we weren't going to add a baby to the mix anytime soon, then we were going to have the time of our lives. And the time of our lives, we had. And are having. We began traveling, going on fun dates, serving in new ways, and Aaron began school. I knew this stage wouldn't last forever, as no stage in life does, and I wanted it to be stuffed full of good times. I wanted to strengthen our marriage, build good memories, and make sure that we had a solid foundation. I knew that should a baby ever join the family, things would change. We couldn't go back, and I didn't want to live in regret saying things like, "I wish we would have traveled more when we could... I wish we would have gone to movies... gone on dates... spoiled ourselves when we had the means, energy and time...". And although I knew that there would eventually be a baby someday, I had a really hard time not knowing when that day would come.
Two and half years after marriage, it was time. We began discussing children, and rather than the conversation turning sour and resulting in tears, it flowed naturally. The more we talked about it, the more excited we became. We decided that it was time. We were ready. We just hoped that the Lord was ready, too. After all, there's nothing like saying, "Okay, God, now that we've got our timeline figured out, we'll give up the control we've had over the past two and a half years and you can go ahead and get this ball rolling now." But I decided that rather than stressing about it, I'd just pray. I was going to try, with all my might, to really trust the Lord with this process and not allow my planning ways to determine what would happen next. Because as you know, and as I know, my personal life plans have never played out in the way I expected. But they've always been better.
We got home from our trip to Philadelphia in February and celebrated Valentine's a day late with a delicious dinner at home. I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst stomach cramps I have ever experienced. The following two days, my stomach didn't really agree with anything I ate and I figured I had food poisoning. Every day (for weeks actually), Aaron would say, "Have you taken a test yet?" But I kept putting it off because I didn't want to take a negative test. If this weren't the month, Mother Nature would let me know on her own. But I gave in to his questions, and I took a test. I set my phone for 5 minutes and came back into the kitchen to wait it out. The alarm went off, and as my heart pounded and my mind filled with doubt, we walked into the bathroom looked down at the test, and I saw the sign of a very faint, pink line. It was positive!
We just looked at each other. We hugged. We shook. We laughed. And then we sat down on the edge of our bathtub, held hands, and I cried as we took our turns thanking God for the gift of new life. For the privilege of getting to be a part in creation. For trusting us enough to give us this baby. And I told Aaron how surprised I was that this was really happening. He said, "Why? God has always been faithful to answer our prayers."
We saw Sugar Bug (as my mom has affectionately dubbed the baby) on Thursday morning for the first time. What an incredible sight! What confirmation, too. I haven't really felt pregnant at all, so it was reassuring to see that there really was someone in there! Aaron and I both starred at the screen, dumbfounded. It was surreal. We saw a little heartbeat. We saw a little shrimp looking baby that was already showing the signs of a tiny arm and head. And we learned that Sugar Bug is due the day after Aaron's birthday, so I've already got a head start on my birthday shopping for him this year.
And as I drove to work after my appointment that morning, this verse filled my mind. "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." (Psalm 139:16) I thought about how God has been preparing my path for this baby. How God has been preparing this baby for me. About what a wild journey this has been. It has been completely unpredictable, completely incredible. Heartbreaking at moments, and mountain top joyful at others. I thought about how God already has a plan for Sugar Bug. How God knew the plan for both of us from the beginning of time because time is irrelevant to God. I thought about how every single day is already sketched out for this little one, and I am just really grateful that God is letting Aaron and me be a part of Sugar Bug's story because there is no man in the world I'd rather go through the adventure of parenthood with than the man who has loved me deeper, better, and fuller than I never knew possible.
So, Sugar Bug, this one is for you. One of many, I am sure. We are really thrilled that you'll be joining our family in October. Your dad is really hoping you'll come a day early so you two can share a birthday, and I think that'd be a pretty sweet gift. No pressure though! And although we won't be perfect parents, as I'm sure you'll quickly discover because you're going to be the one teaching us, we promise to love you fiercely. We promise to always take care of you, make sure your needs are met, and we'll probably give in to a lot of your wants, too. We promised each other for better or for worse, and we make that promise to you, too. We will always be here for you, together. You're a part of us, and we're a family. Forever. And we are praying that you come to know and love Jesus, too. That's what we want for you more than anything. We know He's got a great plan for your life, but life is really worth living when He is your Savior. So don't you worry, we'll tell you all about Him when you get here. About the great things He has done for us, and we are confident that He will do great things through you. Until then, you just keep doing your thing. You keep on growing and doing whatever else it is that you're doing in there. Thus far, you've done an incredible job of finding a way to prevent me from feeling any form of sickness, and I really appreciate that. So keep that up, too. And we'll look forward to seeing what fun things we discover over the next few months as we eagerly await your arrival.
I love you, sweet one!
Three months before I turned 26, Aaron and I got married. I still felt really young. Too young to have a baby. We went on our honeymoon, and it seemed that something was a little off when we came home. My body wasn't acting its normal self, and I told my brand new husband that maybe, just maybe, I was pregnant. Of course, not knowing how the whole thing works when it comes to timing, there was no way I could have known so quickly, but we bought a pregnancy test to see if that was the case. As we sat on the bed waiting the required three minutes, I didn't know what to feel. Part of me was terrified, and part of me was excited. I knew this wouldn't be the best timing. I definitely wanted to enjoy the newness of marriage before adding a baby to the mix, but I also knew that we could handle it. Three minutes passed, and there was only one pink line. A sense of sadness and relief washed over me, and after a trip to the doctor the next day, I learned that bladder infections can play tricks on your body in the same way the early stages of pregnancy can.
We had our first discussion about starting a family about 7 months into marriage. It did not go well. I didn't feel too discouraged since we had only been married a few months, and I figured by the time we made it to 1 year, we'd be good to go. But one year rolled around, and I spent the week of our first anniversary crying as the discussion of children had not gone any better than the first one. My fears of not having a baby continued to grow, and as many of my friends were announcing their pregnancies, just as many were sharing their struggles of infertility - both of which only increased my anxiety and doubt that I would ever have a baby of my own.
Life began to pick up and as I had done before, I decided that I would throw myself with full force into the current stage I was in. We were young, married, child-less, and I figured we'd live it up. If we weren't going to add a baby to the mix anytime soon, then we were going to have the time of our lives. And the time of our lives, we had. And are having. We began traveling, going on fun dates, serving in new ways, and Aaron began school. I knew this stage wouldn't last forever, as no stage in life does, and I wanted it to be stuffed full of good times. I wanted to strengthen our marriage, build good memories, and make sure that we had a solid foundation. I knew that should a baby ever join the family, things would change. We couldn't go back, and I didn't want to live in regret saying things like, "I wish we would have traveled more when we could... I wish we would have gone to movies... gone on dates... spoiled ourselves when we had the means, energy and time...". And although I knew that there would eventually be a baby someday, I had a really hard time not knowing when that day would come.
Two and half years after marriage, it was time. We began discussing children, and rather than the conversation turning sour and resulting in tears, it flowed naturally. The more we talked about it, the more excited we became. We decided that it was time. We were ready. We just hoped that the Lord was ready, too. After all, there's nothing like saying, "Okay, God, now that we've got our timeline figured out, we'll give up the control we've had over the past two and a half years and you can go ahead and get this ball rolling now." But I decided that rather than stressing about it, I'd just pray. I was going to try, with all my might, to really trust the Lord with this process and not allow my planning ways to determine what would happen next. Because as you know, and as I know, my personal life plans have never played out in the way I expected. But they've always been better.
We got home from our trip to Philadelphia in February and celebrated Valentine's a day late with a delicious dinner at home. I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst stomach cramps I have ever experienced. The following two days, my stomach didn't really agree with anything I ate and I figured I had food poisoning. Every day (for weeks actually), Aaron would say, "Have you taken a test yet?" But I kept putting it off because I didn't want to take a negative test. If this weren't the month, Mother Nature would let me know on her own. But I gave in to his questions, and I took a test. I set my phone for 5 minutes and came back into the kitchen to wait it out. The alarm went off, and as my heart pounded and my mind filled with doubt, we walked into the bathroom looked down at the test, and I saw the sign of a very faint, pink line. It was positive!
We just looked at each other. We hugged. We shook. We laughed. And then we sat down on the edge of our bathtub, held hands, and I cried as we took our turns thanking God for the gift of new life. For the privilege of getting to be a part in creation. For trusting us enough to give us this baby. And I told Aaron how surprised I was that this was really happening. He said, "Why? God has always been faithful to answer our prayers."
We saw Sugar Bug (as my mom has affectionately dubbed the baby) on Thursday morning for the first time. What an incredible sight! What confirmation, too. I haven't really felt pregnant at all, so it was reassuring to see that there really was someone in there! Aaron and I both starred at the screen, dumbfounded. It was surreal. We saw a little heartbeat. We saw a little shrimp looking baby that was already showing the signs of a tiny arm and head. And we learned that Sugar Bug is due the day after Aaron's birthday, so I've already got a head start on my birthday shopping for him this year.
And as I drove to work after my appointment that morning, this verse filled my mind. "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." (Psalm 139:16) I thought about how God has been preparing my path for this baby. How God has been preparing this baby for me. About what a wild journey this has been. It has been completely unpredictable, completely incredible. Heartbreaking at moments, and mountain top joyful at others. I thought about how God already has a plan for Sugar Bug. How God knew the plan for both of us from the beginning of time because time is irrelevant to God. I thought about how every single day is already sketched out for this little one, and I am just really grateful that God is letting Aaron and me be a part of Sugar Bug's story because there is no man in the world I'd rather go through the adventure of parenthood with than the man who has loved me deeper, better, and fuller than I never knew possible.
So, Sugar Bug, this one is for you. One of many, I am sure. We are really thrilled that you'll be joining our family in October. Your dad is really hoping you'll come a day early so you two can share a birthday, and I think that'd be a pretty sweet gift. No pressure though! And although we won't be perfect parents, as I'm sure you'll quickly discover because you're going to be the one teaching us, we promise to love you fiercely. We promise to always take care of you, make sure your needs are met, and we'll probably give in to a lot of your wants, too. We promised each other for better or for worse, and we make that promise to you, too. We will always be here for you, together. You're a part of us, and we're a family. Forever. And we are praying that you come to know and love Jesus, too. That's what we want for you more than anything. We know He's got a great plan for your life, but life is really worth living when He is your Savior. So don't you worry, we'll tell you all about Him when you get here. About the great things He has done for us, and we are confident that He will do great things through you. Until then, you just keep doing your thing. You keep on growing and doing whatever else it is that you're doing in there. Thus far, you've done an incredible job of finding a way to prevent me from feeling any form of sickness, and I really appreciate that. So keep that up, too. And we'll look forward to seeing what fun things we discover over the next few months as we eagerly await your arrival.
I love you, sweet one!
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