control... when you don't have any...
We heard Sugar Bug's heartbeat for the first time on Thursday morning. We saw the heartbeat a few weeks ago at our first ultrasound, and I was anxiously awaiting Thursday's appointment because seeing and hearing are two of life's most undeniable confirmations.
I laid back on the table and the nurse placed a small doppler on my stomach. She said, "This might take a minute. Sometimes I have to search around a little bit to find the heartbeat." I looked over at Aaron, the world's most supportive husband, who had his phone out ready to record the sound of our baby's heart. I laid as still as I could and breathed quietly. My heart was beating so furiously that I was pretty certain she might pick up its beat instead. A few seconds passed as we listened in silence and all of the sudden a little rhythm filled the room. I could hear a pitter patter echoing from inside my stomach. "There it is," said the nurse. My eyes widened and I gasped in a breath with surprise. A laugh found its way out of my mouth. I really couldn't believe what I was hearing. We eagerly listened for another minute, and she said, "The heartbeat is 170. You've got a healthy baby!"
She removed the doppler from my stomach, and the sound stopped. We jokingly, but not really, told her we'd like to take that little doppler home with us to we could listen each day. Because the strange thing about this part of pregnancy is that there is no way to know anything. I can't feel anything, other than frequent hunger pains and an overwhelming desire to take a nap, and I can't see anything. My middle has begun to bulge, but that might have more to do with the many trips to Chick-fil-A than with Sugar Bug. So I really have no idea how thing are going. What's more, I have no control over how they go. All I can do is my part, and I simply have to trust that God and Sugar Bug will keep doing theirs.
I learned a few years ago that I had to stop worrying. I had to quit trying to control every aspect of my life in an attempt to make things happen according to my plan. I had to stop stressing about things I couldn't change. In Matthew 6, Jesus warns us against worry. He tells us that worrying is useless as it doesn't add anything beneficial to our lives. And He's right. He's always right. The amount of worrying I have done in life has never changed a thing. All that it did was rob me of joy and give me stomach ulcers. But it's so easy to worry. It's so easy to be stressed. And if there is any one thing in life that I would like to be concerned and worried about, it's this. This very situation in which I cannot do anything other than wait. This season in which I am completely helpless and totally dependent upon God. A time that requires me to simply push every possible fear, concern, or ounce of anxiety aside and say, "Okay God, I know your plan is perfect. I know your timing is, too. I know that you are completely and totally in charge right now... of everything. I know that you and you alone hold all the power. So, I am going to keep trusting you. I'm not going to let worry rob me of this joy. I'm not going to let unnecessary anxiety keep me stressed. I'm going to do my part. I'm going to keep leaning on you. And I trust that you will continue to be as faithful as always."
Your part. That's really all you can do. As much as we try, we can't "make" things happen. We can't control every outcome. We cant make someone do one thing or another. All we can do is our part. And you know what, that's all we're responsible for. God is not going to say, "You know, if you'd just gotten yourself a little more involved in all of that and taken control, this wouldn't have happened." Or, "If you would have just spent all of your energy, effort, and concern on this person, on that thing, then it wouldn't have turned out that way." No, God asks us to do our part. That's what's required of us, and that's what we have to answer for. After all, we can only control ourselves, our decisions, our choices, and our actions. Yet those very things make a different not only in our lives, but in the lives of others, too. The rest, well, we have to leave that in God's hands.
"So do not worry about your life... Can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness... and do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." - Matthew 6:25-34
I laid back on the table and the nurse placed a small doppler on my stomach. She said, "This might take a minute. Sometimes I have to search around a little bit to find the heartbeat." I looked over at Aaron, the world's most supportive husband, who had his phone out ready to record the sound of our baby's heart. I laid as still as I could and breathed quietly. My heart was beating so furiously that I was pretty certain she might pick up its beat instead. A few seconds passed as we listened in silence and all of the sudden a little rhythm filled the room. I could hear a pitter patter echoing from inside my stomach. "There it is," said the nurse. My eyes widened and I gasped in a breath with surprise. A laugh found its way out of my mouth. I really couldn't believe what I was hearing. We eagerly listened for another minute, and she said, "The heartbeat is 170. You've got a healthy baby!"
She removed the doppler from my stomach, and the sound stopped. We jokingly, but not really, told her we'd like to take that little doppler home with us to we could listen each day. Because the strange thing about this part of pregnancy is that there is no way to know anything. I can't feel anything, other than frequent hunger pains and an overwhelming desire to take a nap, and I can't see anything. My middle has begun to bulge, but that might have more to do with the many trips to Chick-fil-A than with Sugar Bug. So I really have no idea how thing are going. What's more, I have no control over how they go. All I can do is my part, and I simply have to trust that God and Sugar Bug will keep doing theirs.
I learned a few years ago that I had to stop worrying. I had to quit trying to control every aspect of my life in an attempt to make things happen according to my plan. I had to stop stressing about things I couldn't change. In Matthew 6, Jesus warns us against worry. He tells us that worrying is useless as it doesn't add anything beneficial to our lives. And He's right. He's always right. The amount of worrying I have done in life has never changed a thing. All that it did was rob me of joy and give me stomach ulcers. But it's so easy to worry. It's so easy to be stressed. And if there is any one thing in life that I would like to be concerned and worried about, it's this. This very situation in which I cannot do anything other than wait. This season in which I am completely helpless and totally dependent upon God. A time that requires me to simply push every possible fear, concern, or ounce of anxiety aside and say, "Okay God, I know your plan is perfect. I know your timing is, too. I know that you are completely and totally in charge right now... of everything. I know that you and you alone hold all the power. So, I am going to keep trusting you. I'm not going to let worry rob me of this joy. I'm not going to let unnecessary anxiety keep me stressed. I'm going to do my part. I'm going to keep leaning on you. And I trust that you will continue to be as faithful as always."
Your part. That's really all you can do. As much as we try, we can't "make" things happen. We can't control every outcome. We cant make someone do one thing or another. All we can do is our part. And you know what, that's all we're responsible for. God is not going to say, "You know, if you'd just gotten yourself a little more involved in all of that and taken control, this wouldn't have happened." Or, "If you would have just spent all of your energy, effort, and concern on this person, on that thing, then it wouldn't have turned out that way." No, God asks us to do our part. That's what's required of us, and that's what we have to answer for. After all, we can only control ourselves, our decisions, our choices, and our actions. Yet those very things make a different not only in our lives, but in the lives of others, too. The rest, well, we have to leave that in God's hands.
"So do not worry about your life... Can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness... and do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." - Matthew 6:25-34
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