dating and the basics... because we tend to complicate it...
Aaron and I are a few weeks out from celebrating another anniversary, and after spending the weekend at a wedding and talking relationships, dating has been on my mind. Because the truth is, I don't think there are really any great hidden gems when it comes to dating. I think you know what you're supposed to do. But I also think we get confused and maybe a little scared and we start mixing what we learned in youth group with what we see in the movies and on TV and maybe, just maybe, what we really need is a good reminder of the basics. After all, if we can't master those, how do we expect to ever make it to the alter? So maybe you need a few dating reminders. Maybe you're currently dating, maybe you're wishing to be. Or maybe you're married and it's been a while so you kind of forgot what this looks like. I'm no pro, but I've learned a few things over the years, and truthfully, these are some of things I will teach my babies when that day should come no matter how "old school" they might think I sound.
Just ask her out. Do it. Just ask her. The worst thing she can say is no. And here's the thing, if she turns you down, consider it a favor. Rather than spending your time and money, she was honest and straight forward with you from the start. And it's okay if she says no. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, and it doesn't mean you should never ask another girl out again. Every girl has her own independent feelings and thoughts. For every girl that tells you no, I can guarantee you there is one who is hoping you'll ask her. She'll be anxious to say yes. Here's the thing, pay attention to the ones dropping hints. Those will be the ones to ask. This is just your role, and if you don't like it, you'll have to take that up with the Lord. He has called and designed you to be the one who pursues. Always. Honestly, you're really lucky if you think about it. You hold the control. You have no idea how many girls are sitting and waiting for you to just work up about 10 seconds of courage and say something simple like, "Hey, do you have plans this weekend? I'd like to take you to dinner if you're free." I get it, rejection is scary. But I'll let you in on a little secret, we girls have eager hearts that desire companionship, and so being turned down is probably not as likely of a scenario as you're thinking it will be. So know that a little intentionality goes a long way. Intentionally ask and then make a plan for what you'll do while on the date. The first time Aaron asked me on a date, he picked the night and the restaurant when he extended the offer. I really appreciated that. He put some thought into it, and it made the evening less awkward. Plus, I knew what to expect so I could plan accordingly. You're a gentleman, so you're picking up the tab regardless of what you decide to do. Therefore, don't put the pressure on her to pick the location. She doesn't know your budget, and that might or might not work out well for you. And do the little things. Splash on some cologne, run your car through the car wash, and give her a complement. She's thought long and hard about her outfit, so she'll appreciate you taking notice.
Girls, help a brother out. He is mustering all of his courage to ask you on a date. He's scared. I know he's big and tough, but inside he's shaking in his boots. He just wants you to say yes or he wouldn't have asked. Clearly, he's interested in you, so you don't need to wonder about that. Don't toy with his feelings. You wouldn't want him to toy with yours. You just tell him the truth, and he will appreciate it. I know it's hard because you want to be nice and you don't want to burn your bridges, but just as you don't want to be anyone else's plan B, he doesn't want to be your plan B, either. Let him know if you're interested. Don't be a stalker or blow up his phone with text messages. Chill. Your "yes" has indicated that you, too, are interested. Don't go overboard here, or you might scare the poor guy away. But smile at him. Laugh at his jokes even if they're kind of corny and not really that funny. Humor him! Sit next to him. You don't have to sit in his lap, in fact, keep some space. But these little cues speak volumes. Therefore, use them wisely. At the end of the date, thank him. Thank him for asking. Thank him for spending his hard earned money to treat you. Even if the date didn't go well, you can certainly be thankful for the fact that he asked. Again, every man is not the one so don't jump ahead to marriage and a van load of kids. And remember, his job is to pursue you. Let him lead.
And put your phones away. Seriously, nothing that important is going to happen in the time you spend together. You can tell your friends all about it later. Focus on one another. Talk to one another. Ask questions. Good questions, I might add. Do you really care what his spirit animal is? He doesn't know, and why does that even matter? The best way to get to know another person is to ask them questions about themselves. Resist the urge to talk about yourself the whole time. It's easy to do that, especially when you're nervous, but the best way to connect with someone is to learn about them and try to find something in common. But unless you ask well thought out, good questions, you'll never know. And as weird and strange is this may sound, think of some questions you want to ask them before the date. I know you've probably already Facebook stalked them and so you know what they've been doing for the past decade, but act like you have no idea and are hearing this stuff for the first time. And when they return the favor and ask you a question, give them a good answer that really tells them about you. It's hard for anyone, no matter how good of a conversationalist they are, to make much of a simple yes and no.
When your time is over, then it's over. You don't owe one another anything other than the same amount of respect and kindness you should have been showing the whole time. That's right. You don't owe anyone a kiss. You don't owe them another date. You also don't owe them an explanation. If things don't work out, you can still be cordial and nice. You may or may not be able to be friends. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But a date is not a promise to forever. A date is how you get started on knowing whether or not this one is worth considering forever. So if you want to go on another date, guys, ask her. Don't make her fish around for an invitation. Simply say, "I had a nice time. I'd like to do this again." Because she wants to know, and remember, your job is to take the lead. If you really don't want to go on another date, then don't say that you do. But here's the thing, you never know where things might go and it certainly may be worth at least another try or two.
When Aaron and I met, he wasn't interested. He made it very clear. He shook my hand, offered to never see me again (by not offering to actually see me again), and that was it. I was shocked when he called me, but he called as a courtesy to let me know that he simply enjoyed meeting me and that was as far as things would go between us. Thankfully, for him, I had already convinced myself that he wouldn't like me so this was expected. And yet he called me again. And for some reason he kept calling me and by the end of the week, he asked me out on a date. A date on which he told me he takes things "veeeery slow" as, I guess, a way to let me know that he wasn't really sure this was going to work. I just went along with it because this was, by far, the strangest thing I had ever experienced. He was respectful. He was a gentleman. He didn't hit on me or try to make a move. He hardly touched me with the exception of a friendly side hug. And so I decided he was going to set the pace. I wouldn't make a single decision other than to accept his date requests and phone calls. If he wanted this to go somewhere, he had to initiate it. And you know what, he did. I didn't have to talk him into it or convince him. And a few months after that firm, I-don't-plan-on-ever-seeing-you-again-handshake, he asked me what my feelings were about marriage.
God has designed relationships to work in a dynamic and complementary way where both people involved fully participate and do their part. Things get fuzzy and difficult when we start to take matters into our own hands and try to force things to happen. We get confused when we try to take on roles that belong to the other person rather than just being patient and letting time and intentionality take care of things. Here's the thing, if they're the one, they're the one. I know that sounds too simple, but it's true. And so when we date, we need to be ourselves. Isn't that what we truly desire? To be loved and accepted for who we are? It makes no sense that we would put up a false pretense of being someone we're not. That's simply unfair and dishonest. And although it's hard to admit, we have to understand that we aren't going to like or click with everyone we meet just as everyone we meet may not like or click with us. Again, it's okay. Because getting to know someone is the first step in how you know whether or not they're you're someone. And when you find that someone, when that date goes well, then you keep on dating that someone well because dating is not the means to an end. It's just the beginning to forever.
Just ask her out. Do it. Just ask her. The worst thing she can say is no. And here's the thing, if she turns you down, consider it a favor. Rather than spending your time and money, she was honest and straight forward with you from the start. And it's okay if she says no. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, and it doesn't mean you should never ask another girl out again. Every girl has her own independent feelings and thoughts. For every girl that tells you no, I can guarantee you there is one who is hoping you'll ask her. She'll be anxious to say yes. Here's the thing, pay attention to the ones dropping hints. Those will be the ones to ask. This is just your role, and if you don't like it, you'll have to take that up with the Lord. He has called and designed you to be the one who pursues. Always. Honestly, you're really lucky if you think about it. You hold the control. You have no idea how many girls are sitting and waiting for you to just work up about 10 seconds of courage and say something simple like, "Hey, do you have plans this weekend? I'd like to take you to dinner if you're free." I get it, rejection is scary. But I'll let you in on a little secret, we girls have eager hearts that desire companionship, and so being turned down is probably not as likely of a scenario as you're thinking it will be. So know that a little intentionality goes a long way. Intentionally ask and then make a plan for what you'll do while on the date. The first time Aaron asked me on a date, he picked the night and the restaurant when he extended the offer. I really appreciated that. He put some thought into it, and it made the evening less awkward. Plus, I knew what to expect so I could plan accordingly. You're a gentleman, so you're picking up the tab regardless of what you decide to do. Therefore, don't put the pressure on her to pick the location. She doesn't know your budget, and that might or might not work out well for you. And do the little things. Splash on some cologne, run your car through the car wash, and give her a complement. She's thought long and hard about her outfit, so she'll appreciate you taking notice.
Girls, help a brother out. He is mustering all of his courage to ask you on a date. He's scared. I know he's big and tough, but inside he's shaking in his boots. He just wants you to say yes or he wouldn't have asked. Clearly, he's interested in you, so you don't need to wonder about that. Don't toy with his feelings. You wouldn't want him to toy with yours. You just tell him the truth, and he will appreciate it. I know it's hard because you want to be nice and you don't want to burn your bridges, but just as you don't want to be anyone else's plan B, he doesn't want to be your plan B, either. Let him know if you're interested. Don't be a stalker or blow up his phone with text messages. Chill. Your "yes" has indicated that you, too, are interested. Don't go overboard here, or you might scare the poor guy away. But smile at him. Laugh at his jokes even if they're kind of corny and not really that funny. Humor him! Sit next to him. You don't have to sit in his lap, in fact, keep some space. But these little cues speak volumes. Therefore, use them wisely. At the end of the date, thank him. Thank him for asking. Thank him for spending his hard earned money to treat you. Even if the date didn't go well, you can certainly be thankful for the fact that he asked. Again, every man is not the one so don't jump ahead to marriage and a van load of kids. And remember, his job is to pursue you. Let him lead.
And put your phones away. Seriously, nothing that important is going to happen in the time you spend together. You can tell your friends all about it later. Focus on one another. Talk to one another. Ask questions. Good questions, I might add. Do you really care what his spirit animal is? He doesn't know, and why does that even matter? The best way to get to know another person is to ask them questions about themselves. Resist the urge to talk about yourself the whole time. It's easy to do that, especially when you're nervous, but the best way to connect with someone is to learn about them and try to find something in common. But unless you ask well thought out, good questions, you'll never know. And as weird and strange is this may sound, think of some questions you want to ask them before the date. I know you've probably already Facebook stalked them and so you know what they've been doing for the past decade, but act like you have no idea and are hearing this stuff for the first time. And when they return the favor and ask you a question, give them a good answer that really tells them about you. It's hard for anyone, no matter how good of a conversationalist they are, to make much of a simple yes and no.
When your time is over, then it's over. You don't owe one another anything other than the same amount of respect and kindness you should have been showing the whole time. That's right. You don't owe anyone a kiss. You don't owe them another date. You also don't owe them an explanation. If things don't work out, you can still be cordial and nice. You may or may not be able to be friends. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But a date is not a promise to forever. A date is how you get started on knowing whether or not this one is worth considering forever. So if you want to go on another date, guys, ask her. Don't make her fish around for an invitation. Simply say, "I had a nice time. I'd like to do this again." Because she wants to know, and remember, your job is to take the lead. If you really don't want to go on another date, then don't say that you do. But here's the thing, you never know where things might go and it certainly may be worth at least another try or two.
When Aaron and I met, he wasn't interested. He made it very clear. He shook my hand, offered to never see me again (by not offering to actually see me again), and that was it. I was shocked when he called me, but he called as a courtesy to let me know that he simply enjoyed meeting me and that was as far as things would go between us. Thankfully, for him, I had already convinced myself that he wouldn't like me so this was expected. And yet he called me again. And for some reason he kept calling me and by the end of the week, he asked me out on a date. A date on which he told me he takes things "veeeery slow" as, I guess, a way to let me know that he wasn't really sure this was going to work. I just went along with it because this was, by far, the strangest thing I had ever experienced. He was respectful. He was a gentleman. He didn't hit on me or try to make a move. He hardly touched me with the exception of a friendly side hug. And so I decided he was going to set the pace. I wouldn't make a single decision other than to accept his date requests and phone calls. If he wanted this to go somewhere, he had to initiate it. And you know what, he did. I didn't have to talk him into it or convince him. And a few months after that firm, I-don't-plan-on-ever-seeing-you-again-handshake, he asked me what my feelings were about marriage.
God has designed relationships to work in a dynamic and complementary way where both people involved fully participate and do their part. Things get fuzzy and difficult when we start to take matters into our own hands and try to force things to happen. We get confused when we try to take on roles that belong to the other person rather than just being patient and letting time and intentionality take care of things. Here's the thing, if they're the one, they're the one. I know that sounds too simple, but it's true. And so when we date, we need to be ourselves. Isn't that what we truly desire? To be loved and accepted for who we are? It makes no sense that we would put up a false pretense of being someone we're not. That's simply unfair and dishonest. And although it's hard to admit, we have to understand that we aren't going to like or click with everyone we meet just as everyone we meet may not like or click with us. Again, it's okay. Because getting to know someone is the first step in how you know whether or not they're you're someone. And when you find that someone, when that date goes well, then you keep on dating that someone well because dating is not the means to an end. It's just the beginning to forever.
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