if there's one thing I'm proud of...
I told Annabeth that the only gift I wanted from her for Mother's Day was to hear her say, "Mama." She spent most of the day yesterday and today shouting "Dada" over and over and over again. I suppose one of the true signs of motherhood is that you could really care less what your baby's first word is. You're thrilled to hear any thing come out of that sweet little mouth. Beaming with pride, I pulled out my phone to record her, and it was like she had just won the Nobel Prize. I am amazed by everything she does. What can I say, I am her mother.
I always wondered what type of mother I would be. I aim for perfection in everything I do, and I let that go before we left the hospital. I knew there was no way I was going to be a perfect mom. It's hard to do something perfectly when you have no earthly idea what you're actually doing. And so I settled for being a mom who gave her best effort. That's really all I can do. Try.
The first few weeks of Annabeth's life, I had this irrational fear that she didn't like me. I don't know where it came from, and I had no concrete evidence to back it up. I suppose I felt like I had failed as a mother in many ways from the start, with the labor, delivery, and nursing fiascoes, I just knew because of those issues that I wasn't properly bonding with her and she was going to grow up wanting nothing to do with me. If you don't know much about newborns, like I didn't, they show no emotion. They cry and that can mean a plethora of things, but to my knowledge, they don't get excited or super happy. People would hold her and if she started to fuss they'd say, "Oh, she wants her momma!" And I was thinking, "No she doesn't. I don't even think she knows who I am. And although I guess I should, I have no idea what she wants." My constant prayer was, "Lord, help me! Show me how to be the mother she needs because I am not really sure what to do."
It's been seven months since we brought Annabeth home from the hospital, and God has answered that prayer time and time again. It has been seven months of a lot of hard work. I have been more exhausted being a mother than I ever was working a full time job. I have given up more than I knew I would, and I have discovered things about myself I didn't know were possible. I have learned that motherhood is a lifelong journey of figuring it out as you go. Honestly, of making it up as you go. That there is no "one way" to do things. I have learned that being a mother means living a life of sacrifice. That your needs come second, always. That your clothes do, too. That on the days you don't want to, well, you find a way to get it together because you have to. Because mothers don't get a raise or a promotion for all that they do. They don't receive awards or accolades to display on a shelf. They do so many things that go unnoticed and the things no one else wants to. They learn how to be a teacher, a nurse, a counselor, a protector, a life coach, a life saver, and the list goes on. "Mom" - three little letters packed full of incredible amounts of responsibility and yet it's a blessing and a joy that can't be contained in words.
I sat on the floor playing with Annabeth last week while my dad and I visited about life. He asked if I was still glad I made the decision to give up my career and stay home with Annabeth. There's not a day I think about work or miss being at the office. I told him how grateful I was to get to spend all of my time with her. And he said, "I wondered what kind of mother you'd be. You do such a good job with her. I'm really proud of you." And, Annabeth, I hope you are, too. I know, without a doubt, that you know who I am now. And even though you can't say it, I am certain that you love me. I won't be the perfect mom, but I'll always put forth my best effort. I'll always try. And when you look back on your life, and when you think of me, I hope that you're proud. Because if there's one thing I'm most proud of, sweet girl, it's you.
"Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children." - Proverbs 17:6
I always wondered what type of mother I would be. I aim for perfection in everything I do, and I let that go before we left the hospital. I knew there was no way I was going to be a perfect mom. It's hard to do something perfectly when you have no earthly idea what you're actually doing. And so I settled for being a mom who gave her best effort. That's really all I can do. Try.
The first few weeks of Annabeth's life, I had this irrational fear that she didn't like me. I don't know where it came from, and I had no concrete evidence to back it up. I suppose I felt like I had failed as a mother in many ways from the start, with the labor, delivery, and nursing fiascoes, I just knew because of those issues that I wasn't properly bonding with her and she was going to grow up wanting nothing to do with me. If you don't know much about newborns, like I didn't, they show no emotion. They cry and that can mean a plethora of things, but to my knowledge, they don't get excited or super happy. People would hold her and if she started to fuss they'd say, "Oh, she wants her momma!" And I was thinking, "No she doesn't. I don't even think she knows who I am. And although I guess I should, I have no idea what she wants." My constant prayer was, "Lord, help me! Show me how to be the mother she needs because I am not really sure what to do."
It's been seven months since we brought Annabeth home from the hospital, and God has answered that prayer time and time again. It has been seven months of a lot of hard work. I have been more exhausted being a mother than I ever was working a full time job. I have given up more than I knew I would, and I have discovered things about myself I didn't know were possible. I have learned that motherhood is a lifelong journey of figuring it out as you go. Honestly, of making it up as you go. That there is no "one way" to do things. I have learned that being a mother means living a life of sacrifice. That your needs come second, always. That your clothes do, too. That on the days you don't want to, well, you find a way to get it together because you have to. Because mothers don't get a raise or a promotion for all that they do. They don't receive awards or accolades to display on a shelf. They do so many things that go unnoticed and the things no one else wants to. They learn how to be a teacher, a nurse, a counselor, a protector, a life coach, a life saver, and the list goes on. "Mom" - three little letters packed full of incredible amounts of responsibility and yet it's a blessing and a joy that can't be contained in words.
I sat on the floor playing with Annabeth last week while my dad and I visited about life. He asked if I was still glad I made the decision to give up my career and stay home with Annabeth. There's not a day I think about work or miss being at the office. I told him how grateful I was to get to spend all of my time with her. And he said, "I wondered what kind of mother you'd be. You do such a good job with her. I'm really proud of you." And, Annabeth, I hope you are, too. I know, without a doubt, that you know who I am now. And even though you can't say it, I am certain that you love me. I won't be the perfect mom, but I'll always put forth my best effort. I'll always try. And when you look back on your life, and when you think of me, I hope that you're proud. Because if there's one thing I'm most proud of, sweet girl, it's you.
"Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children." - Proverbs 17:6
Comments
Post a Comment