baby, maybe... but not this time...
I started this blog in a dark place in my life. It was my therapy and I came to realize that if I could just get the words from my heart onto the screen, I felt better. Just admitting it and saying it out loud made a huge difference. And each time I wrote a post that was hard, each time I typed out raw, vulnerable, uncomfortable thoughts, I prayed that God would use them to teach me. From the beginning my prayer was that nothing would go in vain. That every challenge and victory would be used by God to give others encouragement and bring glory to His name. This one is no different.
I often find myself praising God for the valley He has seen me through because it has prepared me for many things in life I would have never been able to fruitfully endure otherwise. If you are able to not only survive but thrive through your biggest nightmare, then it is much easier to handle future failures and disappointments. Because when you have personally tasted God's faithfulness in the bitterness of life, you are assured that if He can bring you through that, He can bring you through anything. We know this, but when we are tested, we come to find out that it is true.
And so life hands you difficult moments often. I don't know of anyone who hasn't seen some sort of pain and disappointment. We've all been there, and if you haven't, your time will come. It's inevitable. So we shouldn't be surprised when challenges are thrown our way. After all, it's not really about the challenge, rather, it's how we deal with it. If we claim we are more than conquerors, yet walk about indefinitely in gloom and defeat, we've got some learning to do. Because God does not always allow our plans to play out exactly as we imagine, but God certainly does work on our behalf, for our good, and if we can step out of our self-contentedness and focus on him, we'll catch a glimpse of it. We may not understand why, and we aren't owed an explanation. But we can hold to the promise that God knows the plans He has for our lives and nothing is going to mess up His greater plan. Not even us.
I've always known I wanted to be a mother. The jury is still out on how many I want to have. I used to think two was plenty. Then, for a while it was three. But I realized that the world is built for even numbers and odd numbers often cause someone to feel left out. Having babies, however, does cause one to think long and hard about adding to their bunch because life with a newborn is no joke. Really, until you start sleeping again, it's hard to think of a solid reason to agree your way back into sleep deprivation. When I think about family though, I think about a big one. I'm not talking a dozen or anything, but I do think life with a big family sounds fun. Not while they're little, per se, but when they're older. I love the thought of having big holidays and fun reunions. And so I've decided to just leave this one up to God. I have a number rolling around in my head but I also know I should plan in pencil.
Aaron and I began talking about having another child, which was a significantly shorter conversation than the one we had when we discussed starting a family. The first conversation took years. This one went like this. "Do you want to just go ahead and squeeze it all in while we're tired anyway or do you want to stretch it out and have to essentially start over completely?" We agreed that the former sounded better than the latter, so my only prerequisite was that we get past Annabeth's second birthday.
Annabeth was perfectly planned. It was seamless and easy and she came pretty much when I hoped she would. I wanted her to be born before the end of the year (for tax and insurance purposes... you know me). My body works like clock work and always has so I knew the moment I was pregnant. There was no waiting or wondering. Honestly, it was surprising how easy the whole thing was, and I just assumed that would always be the case.
And so a few weeks ago I had a feeling. I put Annabeth down for her nap and took a pregnancy test. I wasn't totally certain that it would be positive but I felt curious. I grabbed a basket of laundry and began folding clothes to pass the time. I walked back into the bathroom and saw two pink lines. I was shocked and then again I wasn't. I suppose every pregnancy is somewhat of a surprise because all you can do is your part and leave the rest up to God. And so I just closed my eyes and said, "Thank you, God! Thank you for this child!" I debated on when to tell Aaron. I wanted to surprise him but I didn't know how long I could keep this secret to myself. I pulled out the calendar to do a few calculations and saw that the due date was October 20. We couldn't have timed that one more perfectly! Annabeth would be two by then. The only downside was that Aaron wouldn't get much of a 30th birthday celebration with a week old baby. I knew he'd be just fine with that.
We sat down for dinner that night and chatted about our day and the news and whatever other random things came to mind and then I said, "Well, I have some news for you. While Annabeth was napping today I took a pregnancy test." His mouth fell open. He looked at me and said, "And?" I told him it was positive and he jumped up and hugged me. "Congratulations!" I swore him to secrecy because I'm never one to spill the beans about any good news before it's 110% confirmed. We finished our chicken and broccoli as he gave me a hard time for telling him life altering news so casually. But to say the least, we were super excited knowing that we would have a new person in our family by the end of the year. They say it's too early for your body to really know it's pregnant until you're at least 6 to 8 weeks. All the signs were there for me. And one week later things changed. A week later the joy of adding a new person to our family turned into disappointment and sadness as I told Aaron that it wouldn't be happening.
I called the doctor's office and asked a few questions. They said they would know more if I could come in and have blood drawn. But the truth is that I knew all I needed to know. I wasn't pregnant. Maybe I never really was, or maybe I was for a short moment in time. At this point, it didn't matter. And at this point, there was nothing that could be done. All I could do was practice what I've preached and move forward because well, what else is there to do? I could cry, I could be mad, I could shake my fist at God and question Him, or I could accept reality and move forward in faith. I've come to learn that the first few options really don't do you, or anyone else, any good anyway.
But at least I have Annabeth, right? At least I know I can have a baby. At least it happened early on instead of later. At least I'm still young and healthy and have time. I know all of the "at leasts" because I've said them before. I've thought them before. And as I have scrolled through Facebook over the past couple of weeks and seen pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement, I have been challenged. How will I react? Because life goes on. People have babies. Every day, they have babies. No one is nor should be faulted for becoming a mother and every child should be celebrated. And God has taught, and continues to teach me, that He is greater than life's disappointments. His plans are better than ours. That we can and should rejoice for good news even if it's not our own. Because, like Job said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away... shall we only accept good from God and not trouble?"
It is in the troubling moments that we catch the most wonderful glimpses of God because it is in the trouble that we are desperately looking for Him. You see, we are in debt to God. God owes us nothing. In fact, the very thing we deserve, God is gracious and merciful to not give us. And so I am coming to see that when God acts, no matter how He does, it is for the good because He sees the bigger picture and He knows every detail. His actions are always based on pure wisdom. We may not understand it, or even like it, but that doesn't change the fact. And so we lose precious time when we shake our fist at God in anger. We waste our season of growth and learning when we spend it in doubt and sorrow. There comes a moment when we realize that we must accept reality, and that regardless of how it is playing out, we can praise God. And when we do that - when we praise Him because He is God, and that alone is cause for praise, we find out that we're going to be okay. That we can and must move on and that this very thing will not hinder God's good plan for our life. As surprising as it was to us, it certainly wasn't to Him.
So we must look for the silver lining. We must look for the goodness in it all. As for me, what is my silver lining? It's that I know God is a promise keeper. How will that promise be fulfilled? We'll just have to wait and see. But I know that all of the "at leasts" are right. And more than that, I know that God hears my prayers, knows my heart, and knows exactly what I need. And so I'm good. I'm going to keep thanking Him for what He has done and for what He is going to do. Because if there's one thing we can be sure of, it's that God will do something!
I often find myself praising God for the valley He has seen me through because it has prepared me for many things in life I would have never been able to fruitfully endure otherwise. If you are able to not only survive but thrive through your biggest nightmare, then it is much easier to handle future failures and disappointments. Because when you have personally tasted God's faithfulness in the bitterness of life, you are assured that if He can bring you through that, He can bring you through anything. We know this, but when we are tested, we come to find out that it is true.
And so life hands you difficult moments often. I don't know of anyone who hasn't seen some sort of pain and disappointment. We've all been there, and if you haven't, your time will come. It's inevitable. So we shouldn't be surprised when challenges are thrown our way. After all, it's not really about the challenge, rather, it's how we deal with it. If we claim we are more than conquerors, yet walk about indefinitely in gloom and defeat, we've got some learning to do. Because God does not always allow our plans to play out exactly as we imagine, but God certainly does work on our behalf, for our good, and if we can step out of our self-contentedness and focus on him, we'll catch a glimpse of it. We may not understand why, and we aren't owed an explanation. But we can hold to the promise that God knows the plans He has for our lives and nothing is going to mess up His greater plan. Not even us.
I've always known I wanted to be a mother. The jury is still out on how many I want to have. I used to think two was plenty. Then, for a while it was three. But I realized that the world is built for even numbers and odd numbers often cause someone to feel left out. Having babies, however, does cause one to think long and hard about adding to their bunch because life with a newborn is no joke. Really, until you start sleeping again, it's hard to think of a solid reason to agree your way back into sleep deprivation. When I think about family though, I think about a big one. I'm not talking a dozen or anything, but I do think life with a big family sounds fun. Not while they're little, per se, but when they're older. I love the thought of having big holidays and fun reunions. And so I've decided to just leave this one up to God. I have a number rolling around in my head but I also know I should plan in pencil.
Aaron and I began talking about having another child, which was a significantly shorter conversation than the one we had when we discussed starting a family. The first conversation took years. This one went like this. "Do you want to just go ahead and squeeze it all in while we're tired anyway or do you want to stretch it out and have to essentially start over completely?" We agreed that the former sounded better than the latter, so my only prerequisite was that we get past Annabeth's second birthday.
Annabeth was perfectly planned. It was seamless and easy and she came pretty much when I hoped she would. I wanted her to be born before the end of the year (for tax and insurance purposes... you know me). My body works like clock work and always has so I knew the moment I was pregnant. There was no waiting or wondering. Honestly, it was surprising how easy the whole thing was, and I just assumed that would always be the case.
And so a few weeks ago I had a feeling. I put Annabeth down for her nap and took a pregnancy test. I wasn't totally certain that it would be positive but I felt curious. I grabbed a basket of laundry and began folding clothes to pass the time. I walked back into the bathroom and saw two pink lines. I was shocked and then again I wasn't. I suppose every pregnancy is somewhat of a surprise because all you can do is your part and leave the rest up to God. And so I just closed my eyes and said, "Thank you, God! Thank you for this child!" I debated on when to tell Aaron. I wanted to surprise him but I didn't know how long I could keep this secret to myself. I pulled out the calendar to do a few calculations and saw that the due date was October 20. We couldn't have timed that one more perfectly! Annabeth would be two by then. The only downside was that Aaron wouldn't get much of a 30th birthday celebration with a week old baby. I knew he'd be just fine with that.
We sat down for dinner that night and chatted about our day and the news and whatever other random things came to mind and then I said, "Well, I have some news for you. While Annabeth was napping today I took a pregnancy test." His mouth fell open. He looked at me and said, "And?" I told him it was positive and he jumped up and hugged me. "Congratulations!" I swore him to secrecy because I'm never one to spill the beans about any good news before it's 110% confirmed. We finished our chicken and broccoli as he gave me a hard time for telling him life altering news so casually. But to say the least, we were super excited knowing that we would have a new person in our family by the end of the year. They say it's too early for your body to really know it's pregnant until you're at least 6 to 8 weeks. All the signs were there for me. And one week later things changed. A week later the joy of adding a new person to our family turned into disappointment and sadness as I told Aaron that it wouldn't be happening.
I called the doctor's office and asked a few questions. They said they would know more if I could come in and have blood drawn. But the truth is that I knew all I needed to know. I wasn't pregnant. Maybe I never really was, or maybe I was for a short moment in time. At this point, it didn't matter. And at this point, there was nothing that could be done. All I could do was practice what I've preached and move forward because well, what else is there to do? I could cry, I could be mad, I could shake my fist at God and question Him, or I could accept reality and move forward in faith. I've come to learn that the first few options really don't do you, or anyone else, any good anyway.
But at least I have Annabeth, right? At least I know I can have a baby. At least it happened early on instead of later. At least I'm still young and healthy and have time. I know all of the "at leasts" because I've said them before. I've thought them before. And as I have scrolled through Facebook over the past couple of weeks and seen pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement, I have been challenged. How will I react? Because life goes on. People have babies. Every day, they have babies. No one is nor should be faulted for becoming a mother and every child should be celebrated. And God has taught, and continues to teach me, that He is greater than life's disappointments. His plans are better than ours. That we can and should rejoice for good news even if it's not our own. Because, like Job said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away... shall we only accept good from God and not trouble?"
It is in the troubling moments that we catch the most wonderful glimpses of God because it is in the trouble that we are desperately looking for Him. You see, we are in debt to God. God owes us nothing. In fact, the very thing we deserve, God is gracious and merciful to not give us. And so I am coming to see that when God acts, no matter how He does, it is for the good because He sees the bigger picture and He knows every detail. His actions are always based on pure wisdom. We may not understand it, or even like it, but that doesn't change the fact. And so we lose precious time when we shake our fist at God in anger. We waste our season of growth and learning when we spend it in doubt and sorrow. There comes a moment when we realize that we must accept reality, and that regardless of how it is playing out, we can praise God. And when we do that - when we praise Him because He is God, and that alone is cause for praise, we find out that we're going to be okay. That we can and must move on and that this very thing will not hinder God's good plan for our life. As surprising as it was to us, it certainly wasn't to Him.
So we must look for the silver lining. We must look for the goodness in it all. As for me, what is my silver lining? It's that I know God is a promise keeper. How will that promise be fulfilled? We'll just have to wait and see. But I know that all of the "at leasts" are right. And more than that, I know that God hears my prayers, knows my heart, and knows exactly what I need. And so I'm good. I'm going to keep thanking Him for what He has done and for what He is going to do. Because if there's one thing we can be sure of, it's that God will do something!
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