what am i teaching you? what are you learning?

They say television is bad for kids, Annabeth. I grew up watching TV and turned out okay (at least I think I am), so I'm under the impression that the greater effect is caused from what one watches rather than how much they watch. But as you know, I keep the television on during the day because I like the background noise. I suppose I could play music, but I have learned a thing or two from catching clips on HGTV and The Food Network between breaks from the nursery rhymes and Nick Jr shows. It's nothing life changing, of course, but a new recipe or decorating idea here and there. Little things that improve our family life and home because well, that's my job. 

I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up which made the decision of picking a major extremely difficult. I do think college is worth the effort for many reasons as any education is never a bad investment. The one thing I did have on my list of life goals was motherhood, and there ins't a designated major for that. However, now that I am a mother, I can see why. There's no possible way to squeeze enough information into 4 years to adequately prepare one for motherhood. It's one of those roles that is best learned through on the job training. And one that takes a lifetime. 

We visited the Grandparents today. The drive over consists of 30 minutes of nothing. For me, it's 30 minutes with my thoughts. For you, it's usually a few minutes of messing with your shoes, eating a snack, playing with whatever gadget I can hand you from the front seat, and a short nap. I thought about my role as your mother while I drove. About my job, really. Because I have made motherhood my job. There are many mothers who raise a family and maintain a career, but I chose to give up the latter to completely focus on the former. There was really no reason other than I felt it was the best decision for you, your father, and me. I felt that it would improve our family life if my time and attention wasn't divided. I don't doubt that I made the right decision, and I know I never will. But as I thought about my job as your mother, I thought about what I am teaching you. About the example I am setting for you. And I asked myself, "Well, what exactly am I teaching her? What kind of example am I setting?"

There is a handful of women that I really admire because I feel like they can do it all. Successful women who also raise families and look fabulous all the while. So well, in fact, that sometimes I feel discouraged. I feel like I'm being lazy and should be doing more to set a better example for you. Be the super mom that I am assuming they are so that you'll be proud. Because, whether or not parents admit it, we want our children to be proud of us, too. Selfishly, I want you to grow up thinking you have the best mother on the planet. I know I'll never be, but it won't be for a lack of trying. Yet each day I wake up and I take care of you. I don't put on dress clothes and head to the office for a full day of work. I'm not standing in front of a jury or a classroom of students. I'm not performing a life saving operation or designing a building. I'm not blowing sales quotas out of the water or signing off on expense reports. I count the day a success if dinner is started on time and I saw a load of laundry from start to finish. And if I happen to get on a full face of makeup and do my hair, then I have gotten off to an exceptionally good start. 

And so, in this "woman-power" driven culture, sometimes I'm afraid that I won't be able to teach you how to be a strong and independent woman. That you might look at your mother as weak or a failure because I'm not doing anything more than every other mother on the face of the earth. Every mom, working or not, does laundry, cooks dinner, buys groceries, and maintains the house. There are so many accomplished women in this world that I'm afraid you might learn more from them than you'll learn from me. After all, there's really no way I could compete. And so what am I teaching you?

Am I teaching you to be kind? To treat everyone with respect and courtesy because we all matter in God's eyes? Am I teaching you to trust God when hard moments come rather than being filled with worry and fear about the unknown? And when you are in a challenging situation, am I teaching you how to endure and grow through the season rather than complain and whine your way out of it? Am I teaching you to be a person of your word, always consistent so that people know what to expect whether they see you at church, the grocery store, the gym, or at school? What am I teaching you when it comes to generosity? Are you learning to give and share or take and hoard? Am I teaching you that your words matter? Are you learning how to build others up or are you receiving an education in how to tear someone down? Am I teaching you that true strength and value comes from your relationship with the Lord, or are you learning that you have to prove yourself through works and carry the burden all on your own? I know the real lesson isn't learned by what I say but by what I actually do. You're proving that to be true more and more every day.

And so I may never be able to teach you how to be a shark in the business world or how to land a million dollar deal. I may never be able to teach you what it looks like to run an empire or how to build something from the ground up. I may not ever model what a working woman's life looks like because I have absolutely no clue what else God may call me to someday outside of what I'm currently doing now. But what I do I hope I can teach you, aside from the basics of life like how to use a spoon and potty on your own, are things that have eternal value. Things that will help you draw closer to God. Things that will help shape you into a woman who looks more like Him than the world around her. One who will shine light in darkness and share hope with the hopeless. There's a lot to be learned, sweet girl, and we're all just getting started.