the important thing...
I just submitted our 2017 taxes. Having a degree in accounting, you think this would be the top thing on my list every year. Truth is, I usually put it off until March, so I'm beating my usual deadline with this submission. Of course, it's a lot easier to do your taxes when you know you're getting a return. If I owed money, I'd definitely be waiting until the second week of April.
I have to take advantage of nap time to get these like tax returns filed. It's near impossible for me to do much of anything when Annabeth is awake because she alone is a full time job. I can't take my eyes off of her longer than a minute. She can get into anything and she does. She's curious and capable and that means when baby's awake momma is always watching. My mother in law kept Annabeth for a few hours on Monday morning giving me a good chunk of time to begin digging into our financial paperwork. We fall on the simple side of filing since we only have one W-2, a mortgage, a small amount of interest, and charitable donations. And so that hour and a half was ample amount of time for me to complete our return, with the exception of a missing receipt or two. And as I looked over papers, filed through emails, and plugged in numbers, I was in my element. I had a coffee mug in reach and music playing on my phone, and for the first time in a year and half, I was working. I felt like the old me. The old me who use to look at numbers and create spreadsheets, who use to review income statements and balance sheets. The old me who prepared quarterly returns, answered emails, made phone calls, and did things. Important things. Financial things. Creative things. The old me who used to find herself challenged by putting the pieces of the puzzle together at work each day and left with a sense of fulfillment. A feeling of contribution. A feeling of pride that comes with a full day's work. A few things I haven't felt in quite some time.
It should be no surprise that I struggle. Many posts have been written from the center of the wrestling mat as I've tried to figure out the lesson God is teaching me. These places of struggle are difficult and rich. Fertile ground where great growth can occur. But the matches sometimes last longer than my level of endurance. And just about the time I'm ready to tap out, God comes through with a revelation that only He could provide.
The struggle is to be important. I do believe this is one of the most selfish and prideful statements I've admitted thus far. I want to be important. I want to look important. I want to feel important. And I want people to think that what I do is important. Why, you ask? I don't know. Maybe it's a longing we all have. The need to feel valued. To know that someone thinks we're worth something. And the more, the better, am I right? But this struggle with importance has been a long one. A long time coming. And the truth is that I never really thought this was a problem I had until 16 months ago when my life changed forever.
Importance has always been one of those potential platforms I could dream of achieving but felt I could never actually reach. To become important, one has to do things. Lots of things. Be busy and set themselves apart from the others. It usually requires a lot of work. It requires a lot of time and effort and energy. The only people that can get away with being important for doing nothing are royals and we know how few and far between they are. And so that leaves the rest of us seekers on a mission. A mission to climb the ladder, join a society, take an office, swear to an oath. Whatever it is that might make us important, it comes at a cost.
Mary and Martha had this struggle, too. The story has more to do with busy-ness, but I'd like to think that the root of Martha's busy-ness made her feel important. Maybe the root of her busy-ness was for attention and praise. Maybe it was to impress those who had come into her home. Especially the Lord. "Oh, everyone, look at Martha! She is such a hard worker. Look at how she's slaving in the kitchen preparing this wonderful feast. Wow, Martha! You're such an amazing cook! You are the hostess with the most-ess. You are so talented and no one knows how to set a table like you! Martha, we're so impressed by this delicious meal. And to think, you did all of this on your own! You need you own show." (Okay, maybe they didn't add that last part but if TV had excited in the AD years they might have thought it!)
And in the choice of her busy-ness, Martha voices her complaints to Jesus. But was she really upset she was doing all the work on her own? Was the really frustrated that Mary wasn't any help? "Lord, can you believe my sister is just sitting here while I'm working all alone in the kitchen preparing this generous and savory meal for everyone?" Maybe it was recognition she wanted. She may have very well been hoping he would give her some praise and be impressed. But whatever it was, it wasn't what she got.
"My dear Martha! You are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:41-42)
This has become my lesson in motherhood. Because the truth is that I don't feel important doing endless loads of laundry. When I look down to see boogies or leftover snacks smeared across the middle of my pant leg, I don't feel important. I don't feel like I'm changing the world as I change yet another dirty diaper. I struggle with seeing how I'm making a difference as I load and unload the dishwasher, take out the trash, change the sheets or vacuum crumbs off of the floor the hundreth time that week. In fact, I felt more important when I was busy with work. When I had a paycheck and a title that was impressive to me. I felt important when I wore slacks and make up every day and actually washed my hair an appropriate amount of times per week. And yet as I've questioned and struggled with this thought for over a year now, I felt the Lord saying...
"My dear Brittnye! You are worried and upset over things from the past. Things, that might I remind you, you sometimes complained about at the time. Things that will be there in the future when your child is grown and busy and doesn't need you every second of the day anymore. For this season, there is one thing worth being concerned about. It's the thing I've called you to. The child I have entrusted to you. Investing in your family is no waste. And remember that while you raise her, you are serving me. And that is the important thing!"
I have to take advantage of nap time to get these like tax returns filed. It's near impossible for me to do much of anything when Annabeth is awake because she alone is a full time job. I can't take my eyes off of her longer than a minute. She can get into anything and she does. She's curious and capable and that means when baby's awake momma is always watching. My mother in law kept Annabeth for a few hours on Monday morning giving me a good chunk of time to begin digging into our financial paperwork. We fall on the simple side of filing since we only have one W-2, a mortgage, a small amount of interest, and charitable donations. And so that hour and a half was ample amount of time for me to complete our return, with the exception of a missing receipt or two. And as I looked over papers, filed through emails, and plugged in numbers, I was in my element. I had a coffee mug in reach and music playing on my phone, and for the first time in a year and half, I was working. I felt like the old me. The old me who use to look at numbers and create spreadsheets, who use to review income statements and balance sheets. The old me who prepared quarterly returns, answered emails, made phone calls, and did things. Important things. Financial things. Creative things. The old me who used to find herself challenged by putting the pieces of the puzzle together at work each day and left with a sense of fulfillment. A feeling of contribution. A feeling of pride that comes with a full day's work. A few things I haven't felt in quite some time.
It should be no surprise that I struggle. Many posts have been written from the center of the wrestling mat as I've tried to figure out the lesson God is teaching me. These places of struggle are difficult and rich. Fertile ground where great growth can occur. But the matches sometimes last longer than my level of endurance. And just about the time I'm ready to tap out, God comes through with a revelation that only He could provide.
The struggle is to be important. I do believe this is one of the most selfish and prideful statements I've admitted thus far. I want to be important. I want to look important. I want to feel important. And I want people to think that what I do is important. Why, you ask? I don't know. Maybe it's a longing we all have. The need to feel valued. To know that someone thinks we're worth something. And the more, the better, am I right? But this struggle with importance has been a long one. A long time coming. And the truth is that I never really thought this was a problem I had until 16 months ago when my life changed forever.
Importance has always been one of those potential platforms I could dream of achieving but felt I could never actually reach. To become important, one has to do things. Lots of things. Be busy and set themselves apart from the others. It usually requires a lot of work. It requires a lot of time and effort and energy. The only people that can get away with being important for doing nothing are royals and we know how few and far between they are. And so that leaves the rest of us seekers on a mission. A mission to climb the ladder, join a society, take an office, swear to an oath. Whatever it is that might make us important, it comes at a cost.
Mary and Martha had this struggle, too. The story has more to do with busy-ness, but I'd like to think that the root of Martha's busy-ness made her feel important. Maybe the root of her busy-ness was for attention and praise. Maybe it was to impress those who had come into her home. Especially the Lord. "Oh, everyone, look at Martha! She is such a hard worker. Look at how she's slaving in the kitchen preparing this wonderful feast. Wow, Martha! You're such an amazing cook! You are the hostess with the most-ess. You are so talented and no one knows how to set a table like you! Martha, we're so impressed by this delicious meal. And to think, you did all of this on your own! You need you own show." (Okay, maybe they didn't add that last part but if TV had excited in the AD years they might have thought it!)
And in the choice of her busy-ness, Martha voices her complaints to Jesus. But was she really upset she was doing all the work on her own? Was the really frustrated that Mary wasn't any help? "Lord, can you believe my sister is just sitting here while I'm working all alone in the kitchen preparing this generous and savory meal for everyone?" Maybe it was recognition she wanted. She may have very well been hoping he would give her some praise and be impressed. But whatever it was, it wasn't what she got.
"My dear Martha! You are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:41-42)
This has become my lesson in motherhood. Because the truth is that I don't feel important doing endless loads of laundry. When I look down to see boogies or leftover snacks smeared across the middle of my pant leg, I don't feel important. I don't feel like I'm changing the world as I change yet another dirty diaper. I struggle with seeing how I'm making a difference as I load and unload the dishwasher, take out the trash, change the sheets or vacuum crumbs off of the floor the hundreth time that week. In fact, I felt more important when I was busy with work. When I had a paycheck and a title that was impressive to me. I felt important when I wore slacks and make up every day and actually washed my hair an appropriate amount of times per week. And yet as I've questioned and struggled with this thought for over a year now, I felt the Lord saying...
"My dear Brittnye! You are worried and upset over things from the past. Things, that might I remind you, you sometimes complained about at the time. Things that will be there in the future when your child is grown and busy and doesn't need you every second of the day anymore. For this season, there is one thing worth being concerned about. It's the thing I've called you to. The child I have entrusted to you. Investing in your family is no waste. And remember that while you raise her, you are serving me. And that is the important thing!"
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