the difference of a day...
My life drastically changed six years ago today. An unexpected, unplanned, completely surprising turn of events. Hands down, without a doubt, it was a change for the better.
We all have days like that. Days where our lives were changed so drastically that we'll never forget it. We can remember where we were when it happened. How we felt. What we were wearing. Who was involved. I've got a handful of those days, each one a reflection of answered prayers and God's great grace.
This day was a Sunday. I wore my favorite black dress and pink heels. I wanted to look nice but not too nice, you know. Almost effortless even though I had actually put forth a whole lot of effort. I sat through church with my mind racing, hoping the service would pass quickly while at the same time thinking, "What did I agree to do?" Maybe what sounded like a good idea wasn't the best idea. I was so nervous, but I tried to play it cool. It was just lunch. That's all I had agreed to. Lunch. Everyone eats lunch, so there was no reason to be anxious, right? All I had to do was show up, eat food, and talk. Easy enough.
But it wasn't just any lunch. A few days prior I had been invited to this lunch to meet someone. It was a blind date and a family lunch all rolled into one. Looking back now, I should have been braver and agreed to an actual, one-on-one date, but I wasn't as brave as I acted. I had agreed to lunch with the condition that it be a group event. That way, it wouldn't seem as awkward. It was still awkward. I hadn't been on a formal date in years. I hadn't been on many formal dates in my entire life, anyway and certainly not as an adult. College and high school dates count, but dating as an adult is a totally different game. Plus, I felt like the odds were stacked against me. I had already told myself not to expect a thing. If I got lucky, I might gain a friend out of the deal. And really, I was okay with that because I would much rather gain a friend then open myself up to being rejected. I couldn't handle another disappointment, but that's exactly what I expected.
My mom had reassured me a thousand times over that God had someone for me. Of course, she had to say that. She's my mom, and that's what good moms do. They encourage and build up their children. I wanted to believe her. I really did. But the guy I had dreamed of and prayed for my whole life clearly didn't exist and was not going to give me the time of day if I ever happened to meet this magical, mystical man. I suppose I had set lofty goals, and I let fear and insecurity ruin it all for me. But my mom kept praying for me and encouraged me to find the nerve to pray as well. From a logical perspective, this world is a pretty big place. Surely there might be someone who would see a glimmer of goodness and worthiness in me and give me a chance. Maybe God could give someone the capacity to love me, some day. Some day, after I had served my self-inflicted sentence, and it only seemed right that some day would be really, really far off.
I don't think love is ever easy. Ever. In fact, if love were easy we wouldn't be living in a world that's colored with hate. Love is not natural. It's a conscious choice and effort that grows with consistent practice. And although I was greatly loved, and I knew it, I still believed I was unlovable. And undesirable, and unwanted, and not marriage material. I believed I was a failure. I also believed I didn't deserve anyone or anything good, and yet God had poured out an overwhelming amount of goodness into my life in what seemed like an effort to prove me wrong. I still wasn't convinced. And as I sat at the table eating my pasta and staring into the face of this complete stranger, I knew I had been right. This was a flop. He was completely uninterested. He was just being nice. I was a charity case, and this would be the first and last meal we would share. He was way out of my league, and when he knew the truth about me, he would see that he deserved someone much better. It was obvious. A no-brainer.
But he called me that night. And the following night. And even though he was on vacation in the mountains, he kept calling me. By the end of the week we were spending hours on the phone talking and laughing and he asked me out on a real date. An actual, grown up date! And five months later, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. An answer I didn't even hesitate to give. The difference a day can made! When I woke up on July 22, 2012, I had no idea I would be having lunch with my husband that afternoon. It was a day that changed the course of my life forever. I had been wrong. I had been wrong about it all. About myself, about God, about lunch. My mom was right. God did have someone for me, and not just anyone. The man I had been hoping and praying for since I was a 13 year old girl. He actually did exist! And go figure God had given him the capacity to love me, to see worth in me, and to find a glimmer of goodness, too. It had been a wild ride to get to him, but God had a plan far greater than the one I had made for myself, and He was faithful to execute it in a most divine way.
It wasn't love at first sight. Six years ago seems like forever and also like yesterday. But six years later I've learned so much. I've learned that it's always too soon to give up on God. I've learned that your life can change in a moment. I've learned that God is faithful to keep His promises and fulfill his plans, and thankfully we can't mess those up. And I've learned a lot about love. That, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
We all have days like that. Days where our lives were changed so drastically that we'll never forget it. We can remember where we were when it happened. How we felt. What we were wearing. Who was involved. I've got a handful of those days, each one a reflection of answered prayers and God's great grace.
This day was a Sunday. I wore my favorite black dress and pink heels. I wanted to look nice but not too nice, you know. Almost effortless even though I had actually put forth a whole lot of effort. I sat through church with my mind racing, hoping the service would pass quickly while at the same time thinking, "What did I agree to do?" Maybe what sounded like a good idea wasn't the best idea. I was so nervous, but I tried to play it cool. It was just lunch. That's all I had agreed to. Lunch. Everyone eats lunch, so there was no reason to be anxious, right? All I had to do was show up, eat food, and talk. Easy enough.
But it wasn't just any lunch. A few days prior I had been invited to this lunch to meet someone. It was a blind date and a family lunch all rolled into one. Looking back now, I should have been braver and agreed to an actual, one-on-one date, but I wasn't as brave as I acted. I had agreed to lunch with the condition that it be a group event. That way, it wouldn't seem as awkward. It was still awkward. I hadn't been on a formal date in years. I hadn't been on many formal dates in my entire life, anyway and certainly not as an adult. College and high school dates count, but dating as an adult is a totally different game. Plus, I felt like the odds were stacked against me. I had already told myself not to expect a thing. If I got lucky, I might gain a friend out of the deal. And really, I was okay with that because I would much rather gain a friend then open myself up to being rejected. I couldn't handle another disappointment, but that's exactly what I expected.
My mom had reassured me a thousand times over that God had someone for me. Of course, she had to say that. She's my mom, and that's what good moms do. They encourage and build up their children. I wanted to believe her. I really did. But the guy I had dreamed of and prayed for my whole life clearly didn't exist and was not going to give me the time of day if I ever happened to meet this magical, mystical man. I suppose I had set lofty goals, and I let fear and insecurity ruin it all for me. But my mom kept praying for me and encouraged me to find the nerve to pray as well. From a logical perspective, this world is a pretty big place. Surely there might be someone who would see a glimmer of goodness and worthiness in me and give me a chance. Maybe God could give someone the capacity to love me, some day. Some day, after I had served my self-inflicted sentence, and it only seemed right that some day would be really, really far off.
I don't think love is ever easy. Ever. In fact, if love were easy we wouldn't be living in a world that's colored with hate. Love is not natural. It's a conscious choice and effort that grows with consistent practice. And although I was greatly loved, and I knew it, I still believed I was unlovable. And undesirable, and unwanted, and not marriage material. I believed I was a failure. I also believed I didn't deserve anyone or anything good, and yet God had poured out an overwhelming amount of goodness into my life in what seemed like an effort to prove me wrong. I still wasn't convinced. And as I sat at the table eating my pasta and staring into the face of this complete stranger, I knew I had been right. This was a flop. He was completely uninterested. He was just being nice. I was a charity case, and this would be the first and last meal we would share. He was way out of my league, and when he knew the truth about me, he would see that he deserved someone much better. It was obvious. A no-brainer.
But he called me that night. And the following night. And even though he was on vacation in the mountains, he kept calling me. By the end of the week we were spending hours on the phone talking and laughing and he asked me out on a real date. An actual, grown up date! And five months later, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. An answer I didn't even hesitate to give. The difference a day can made! When I woke up on July 22, 2012, I had no idea I would be having lunch with my husband that afternoon. It was a day that changed the course of my life forever. I had been wrong. I had been wrong about it all. About myself, about God, about lunch. My mom was right. God did have someone for me, and not just anyone. The man I had been hoping and praying for since I was a 13 year old girl. He actually did exist! And go figure God had given him the capacity to love me, to see worth in me, and to find a glimmer of goodness, too. It had been a wild ride to get to him, but God had a plan far greater than the one I had made for myself, and He was faithful to execute it in a most divine way.
It wasn't love at first sight. Six years ago seems like forever and also like yesterday. But six years later I've learned so much. I've learned that it's always too soon to give up on God. I've learned that your life can change in a moment. I've learned that God is faithful to keep His promises and fulfill his plans, and thankfully we can't mess those up. And I've learned a lot about love. That, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
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