your life isn't over...
I felt like my life was over. Hers had just begun and mine was ending. Not in a literal sense, of course. I still had, still have, plenty of life left in me but the life I had was done with. Finished. Finito. The end. I had dreams of where life would take me. I had dreams of what I would accomplish and what I would become. And although all of those dreams included her, I didn't realize that my life would hang in the balance of hers. Her life would somehow become my life - totally and completely.
I guess all new moms experience this phenomenon. All of the sudden everything that was solely yours no longer belongs to you. Your body, your dreams, your sleep, your thoughts, your schedule - all things occupied by or used by a little person. I knew becoming a mom would be a big change. I knew it would rock my world. I knew the life that I had lived up until that point would be no more, but I didn't realize how every single area of my life would be invaded by motherhood. How one small person could make such a gigantic impact. And when I decided to devote all of my time and days to raising a little girl instead of stepping back into the work force, I felt like all I would ever accomplish was what I had already accomplished, and truth be told, it wasn't very much.
I suppose it's hard to see the fruit of your labor in the eyes of a baby or toddler. In fact, sometimes that fruit isn't evident until your child is much older. I bet the first time your child affirms your parenting skills or truly thanks you for all that you've done, it produces a similar feeling to that of winning an Academy Award. Finally, all of your hard work has been noticed. Those tedious, challenging, lonely years were not a waste. We all know that, but we don't always believe that. And until recently, I've struggled with feeling like there was a part of me that was lost. A part of me that died the day I became a mother, and I'm beginning to realize that the only reason I feel that way is because I let it happen.
I stopped doing a lot of things the day Annabeth was born. My whole world was turned upside down, but in a good way, you know. But I battled with what could have been. What if I had stayed in my job? What if I had continued to pursue writing as I had planned long before I ever got a positive pregnancy test? What if this and what if that? And in the mix of it all I felt like my dreaming days were over. My life belonged to 5 and half pounds of pure sweetness. Everything was about her. The object of my affection and the center of my attention. And it would be that way forever, I thought. I'll always just be "mom." And not an impressive mom. Just a regular ol' day to day mom who serves her family but forgets about herself. It's easy to do. A mom who makes motherhood her entire life and maybe when her kids are grown and out of the home might do something extra with her spare time. And although I still had as much time in the day as I've always had, I felt like I was limited. I worked around eating schedules and nap times and I gave up on learning new things, trying new things, improving myself, and accepted that this was now my life and the life of accomplishments I had dreamed of now a life of missed opportunities.
You may or may not know that I grew up dancing. I cheered throughout high school and my first year of college. Aaron often tells me he's surprised I was a cheerleader. Of course, I was a teen cheerleader, not a 30 year old, and that makes a huge difference. I used to play the piano, too. I took lessons for years. Close to ten years ago, I spent a summer taking a cake decorating class because I thought that maybe it would be something fun I could do on the side. I quickly learned that it's not a simple "side job" by any means. It was still fun and I learned something new. The truth is that no matter how old you are, or what stage of life you're in, you can still have fun and learn something new. And so I have begun challenging myself in this very way. Not only to learn something new but to dust off some of my old tricks and try them out again. I've been going to Zumba classes. I dug out my old piano books from childhood and started playing through them again. I've been trying new recipes and learning how to make things from scratch. I've read through a good number of books - some for fun and some educational. I'm stretching myself to step out and serve in new ways rather than making excuses that I have a child and no time to give. And the more I do this, I realize that life is full of unrealized opportunities that are waiting to be grabbed. The only way we change, learn, grow, and enjoy the life we are living is by choosing to do those very things.
Solomon gave us some great advice when he said, " So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 8:15) God has given us life to enjoy. A new day, each day, to rejoice and be glad. And as long as we're living under the sun, our life isn't over. There is still time. Time to learn, time to try, time to grow, time to experience, time to accomplish, and time to dream.
I guess all new moms experience this phenomenon. All of the sudden everything that was solely yours no longer belongs to you. Your body, your dreams, your sleep, your thoughts, your schedule - all things occupied by or used by a little person. I knew becoming a mom would be a big change. I knew it would rock my world. I knew the life that I had lived up until that point would be no more, but I didn't realize how every single area of my life would be invaded by motherhood. How one small person could make such a gigantic impact. And when I decided to devote all of my time and days to raising a little girl instead of stepping back into the work force, I felt like all I would ever accomplish was what I had already accomplished, and truth be told, it wasn't very much.
I suppose it's hard to see the fruit of your labor in the eyes of a baby or toddler. In fact, sometimes that fruit isn't evident until your child is much older. I bet the first time your child affirms your parenting skills or truly thanks you for all that you've done, it produces a similar feeling to that of winning an Academy Award. Finally, all of your hard work has been noticed. Those tedious, challenging, lonely years were not a waste. We all know that, but we don't always believe that. And until recently, I've struggled with feeling like there was a part of me that was lost. A part of me that died the day I became a mother, and I'm beginning to realize that the only reason I feel that way is because I let it happen.
I stopped doing a lot of things the day Annabeth was born. My whole world was turned upside down, but in a good way, you know. But I battled with what could have been. What if I had stayed in my job? What if I had continued to pursue writing as I had planned long before I ever got a positive pregnancy test? What if this and what if that? And in the mix of it all I felt like my dreaming days were over. My life belonged to 5 and half pounds of pure sweetness. Everything was about her. The object of my affection and the center of my attention. And it would be that way forever, I thought. I'll always just be "mom." And not an impressive mom. Just a regular ol' day to day mom who serves her family but forgets about herself. It's easy to do. A mom who makes motherhood her entire life and maybe when her kids are grown and out of the home might do something extra with her spare time. And although I still had as much time in the day as I've always had, I felt like I was limited. I worked around eating schedules and nap times and I gave up on learning new things, trying new things, improving myself, and accepted that this was now my life and the life of accomplishments I had dreamed of now a life of missed opportunities.
You may or may not know that I grew up dancing. I cheered throughout high school and my first year of college. Aaron often tells me he's surprised I was a cheerleader. Of course, I was a teen cheerleader, not a 30 year old, and that makes a huge difference. I used to play the piano, too. I took lessons for years. Close to ten years ago, I spent a summer taking a cake decorating class because I thought that maybe it would be something fun I could do on the side. I quickly learned that it's not a simple "side job" by any means. It was still fun and I learned something new. The truth is that no matter how old you are, or what stage of life you're in, you can still have fun and learn something new. And so I have begun challenging myself in this very way. Not only to learn something new but to dust off some of my old tricks and try them out again. I've been going to Zumba classes. I dug out my old piano books from childhood and started playing through them again. I've been trying new recipes and learning how to make things from scratch. I've read through a good number of books - some for fun and some educational. I'm stretching myself to step out and serve in new ways rather than making excuses that I have a child and no time to give. And the more I do this, I realize that life is full of unrealized opportunities that are waiting to be grabbed. The only way we change, learn, grow, and enjoy the life we are living is by choosing to do those very things.
Solomon gave us some great advice when he said, " So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 8:15) God has given us life to enjoy. A new day, each day, to rejoice and be glad. And as long as we're living under the sun, our life isn't over. There is still time. Time to learn, time to try, time to grow, time to experience, time to accomplish, and time to dream.
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