because I have feelings too...but so do you...
"Dear Jesus, we thank you for today..."
She began headbutting me. Flailing her body as if this isn't something we've done every night of her life. As if she had no clue how we pray. Dinner time and bed time, daily, both accompanied by prayer. And it was the end of the day. The end of a long day, as they all are. I was tired. Not physically tired or sleepy tired, not worn out, just worn down. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. Done. Over it. For 14 hours I had poured myself out for them. And this is bedtime. It's so simple and easy even the baby can do it. You just get in bed, close your eyes, and go to sleep. It should be effortless but it's not. It's one of the most frustrating moments of the day and I hate closing out the day with frustration. With threats. With teeth clenching and eye bulging. But I am at the end of my fuse. What started out reasonably long has now been burned up through the day and all I want is an easy goodnight. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to hold her close, after giving her "the look," as I continued to pray. And you can bet it was a short prayer with an abrupt amen.
No extra time was spent hugging or holding or kissing. I quickly placed her in bed with short instructions to lay down and not call me back in there again. She had everything she could possibly need and so nothing less than an emergency would constitute a trip back into her bedroom. I meant business, and I made it known. She began to whimper. Her eyes brimmed with water. Her bottom lip stuck out.
"Lay down so I can cover you with your blanket."
"Mommy, I sad. I sad when you're mean to me."
Mean? She hasn't seen mean. Mommy has had to dig deep and use incredible amounts of self-control over the past many years to keep from being mean. I suppose strict might have been a better choice of words, but that would be splitting hairs with a two (almost three) year old who sees them as one in the same.
"Mommy I want you to be happy."
And I wanted to be happy, too. Mommy doesn't like being the "mean" mommy. Mommy makes a concentrated effort, still falling short quite often, to keep from being the mean mommy. To keep from screaming and yelling and getting physical. But mommy also has so many buttons and when they've been pushed over and over and over, mommy gets short and firm and matter of fact.
But mean mommy's heart hurt staring at the small, fragile toddler curled in her bed. And so I reached down and picked her up and held her close. Her little arms and legs wrapped around my neck and waist as if we hadn't hugged in ages. We had a conversation, I apologized, and we ended the night with kisses and kind words as the Holy Spirit's conviction washed over me.
I have feelings. I think it's hard for children to understand that, at least maybe it's hard for mine. To understand that the things they do and say and the way they behave can really evoke strong feelings within their parents. Like when she yells or is rude or won't listen. When she's blatantly disrespectful and ungrateful. When she defies me. When she uses force against me. And although I know these are normal toddler behaviors and I try not to take anything personally, it still hurts my feelings. It frustrates me. It angers me. It irritates me. Because I have feelings.
But she does, too, lest I forget. She has feelings and regardless of what she does I am in charge of my feelings. They should not control me. That's what I'm trying to teach her. And, despite what I'm feeling, I need to take her feelings into consideration. Easier said than done. But you know, they say people don't remember what you did or what you said, they remember how you made them feel. And so isn't it ironic that, often times, the feelings we take into consideration the least are the ones belonging to the people with whom we share DNA.
"Oh," we think, "they'll get over it. They love me so they'll forgive me. They know I don't mean it. They can take it."
"When you follow the desires of your sinful nature the results are very clear:... hostility, quarreling, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division...and other sins like these... anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control...
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit's leading in every part of our lives." - Galatians 5:19-24
I have feelings. So do you. So does every human being God created. We all have feelings. Children and parents, included. And so rather than assuming we know how one another really feels (despite our behavior), and rather than taking the relationship for granted, we follow the Spirit's leading in every part of our life and nail those sinful feelings to the cross of Christ so we can have a beautiful, fruitful relationship. One that will not only follow us right into the Kingdom of God but will give us little glimpses of Heaven on Earth.
She began headbutting me. Flailing her body as if this isn't something we've done every night of her life. As if she had no clue how we pray. Dinner time and bed time, daily, both accompanied by prayer. And it was the end of the day. The end of a long day, as they all are. I was tired. Not physically tired or sleepy tired, not worn out, just worn down. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. Done. Over it. For 14 hours I had poured myself out for them. And this is bedtime. It's so simple and easy even the baby can do it. You just get in bed, close your eyes, and go to sleep. It should be effortless but it's not. It's one of the most frustrating moments of the day and I hate closing out the day with frustration. With threats. With teeth clenching and eye bulging. But I am at the end of my fuse. What started out reasonably long has now been burned up through the day and all I want is an easy goodnight. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to hold her close, after giving her "the look," as I continued to pray. And you can bet it was a short prayer with an abrupt amen.
No extra time was spent hugging or holding or kissing. I quickly placed her in bed with short instructions to lay down and not call me back in there again. She had everything she could possibly need and so nothing less than an emergency would constitute a trip back into her bedroom. I meant business, and I made it known. She began to whimper. Her eyes brimmed with water. Her bottom lip stuck out.
"Lay down so I can cover you with your blanket."
"Mommy, I sad. I sad when you're mean to me."
Mean? She hasn't seen mean. Mommy has had to dig deep and use incredible amounts of self-control over the past many years to keep from being mean. I suppose strict might have been a better choice of words, but that would be splitting hairs with a two (almost three) year old who sees them as one in the same.
"Mommy I want you to be happy."
And I wanted to be happy, too. Mommy doesn't like being the "mean" mommy. Mommy makes a concentrated effort, still falling short quite often, to keep from being the mean mommy. To keep from screaming and yelling and getting physical. But mommy also has so many buttons and when they've been pushed over and over and over, mommy gets short and firm and matter of fact.
But mean mommy's heart hurt staring at the small, fragile toddler curled in her bed. And so I reached down and picked her up and held her close. Her little arms and legs wrapped around my neck and waist as if we hadn't hugged in ages. We had a conversation, I apologized, and we ended the night with kisses and kind words as the Holy Spirit's conviction washed over me.
I have feelings. I think it's hard for children to understand that, at least maybe it's hard for mine. To understand that the things they do and say and the way they behave can really evoke strong feelings within their parents. Like when she yells or is rude or won't listen. When she's blatantly disrespectful and ungrateful. When she defies me. When she uses force against me. And although I know these are normal toddler behaviors and I try not to take anything personally, it still hurts my feelings. It frustrates me. It angers me. It irritates me. Because I have feelings.
But she does, too, lest I forget. She has feelings and regardless of what she does I am in charge of my feelings. They should not control me. That's what I'm trying to teach her. And, despite what I'm feeling, I need to take her feelings into consideration. Easier said than done. But you know, they say people don't remember what you did or what you said, they remember how you made them feel. And so isn't it ironic that, often times, the feelings we take into consideration the least are the ones belonging to the people with whom we share DNA.
"Oh," we think, "they'll get over it. They love me so they'll forgive me. They know I don't mean it. They can take it."
"When you follow the desires of your sinful nature the results are very clear:... hostility, quarreling, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division...and other sins like these... anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control...
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit's leading in every part of our lives." - Galatians 5:19-24
I have feelings. So do you. So does every human being God created. We all have feelings. Children and parents, included. And so rather than assuming we know how one another really feels (despite our behavior), and rather than taking the relationship for granted, we follow the Spirit's leading in every part of our life and nail those sinful feelings to the cross of Christ so we can have a beautiful, fruitful relationship. One that will not only follow us right into the Kingdom of God but will give us little glimpses of Heaven on Earth.
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