because no one has to know...

We had only known each other a few weeks. Some of us were slightly familiar with others, a few had histories that were intertwined, but for the most part we were strangers tied together by one common thread - Jesus. There to study God's word and the expectation that we would not only grow in our faith walks but share what God was teaching us each week.

I had accepted the privilege of leading the group discussion, and truthfully, was probably one of the least capable to do so in the room. There were women in there of all ages, all stages of life, all different backgrounds and experiences, and with the exception of one woman, I was the youngest. I was also the least seasoned... I think. This was my first time to lead in this setting and my second year to participate in the study. But you know me. I love sharing. I hate silence. And as we sat in the silence, waiting for someone to speak up, all eyes were on me. My job, however, was to facilitate and encourage the others to share. And so I bit my tongue and waited in the awkward silence praying that someone else would share. It was a hard question. I don't remember the exact wording but it was something along the lines of: Share about a time in your life when you walked through a difficult season. How did God use it to teach you about Himself and use it for His glory?

Nothing like making friends by opening your personal hamper and airing out all your dirty laundry. It's not easy to share your difficulties with people who know you well, much less with those you've just met. And here's the thing: we don't have to share. What's in the past is in the past and we can leave it there if we'd like. We don't have to resurrect it up or make it known, and most of us would prefer to leave it to rest in the valley God pulled us from. Because sharing difficulties creates vulnerability. What will people think of us? How will they feel towards us? And sharing life's difficult moments takes us back to a place and time that certainly was not a shining moment.

My most difficult season in life was transformational. It was a dividing moment in my personal history. A "before" and "after" event that changed my life so significantly. I wouldn't be the person I am today were it not for that season. It was, by far, the hardest and richest season, spiritually speaking, of all of my 32 years of life thus far. If you've known me for any amount of time, or if you've read my blog over the years, then you know it. And while it doesn't define me, it is a part of my story. When I was going through it, I really looked forward to the day that no one would ever had to know about it. The day when I would be so far removed from it that I would never have to speak of it again. The new people that met me wouldn't have to know and maybe the people that had known me forever would forget. But as I prayed for healing, God made it known that my healing would come through sharing. And so I shared it over and over again but that day finally arrived that I had been anticipating. The day that I was so far removed from it that it almost seemed irrelevant to bring it up. And, honestly, as I sat in this group of strangers I wrestled with the decision to say something or keep biting my tongue. To share, with a slight fear of judgement, or to move on to the next question without batting an eye. No one had to know. Did they really need to?

I am sure you know the decision at which I arrived. 

I told the group. I shared about my most difficult season. About the time my life fell apart and God humbled me in the most extreme way. The season where I faced overwhelming amounts of rejection and devastation and experienced grief and sorrow in a way I never imagined. How I thought that God would never be able to use me again and how God kept proving me wrong. The fact that I was sitting in that circle was proof! I told them how God took the ashes and did a beautiful work. How He used the brokenness not only to bring healing to my life but to the lives of others. And how none of it was wasted. That, what the enemy intended for evil, God was still using for good.

No one said a word. One of the women gave me that sweet head nod of encouragement and the rest stared at me with looks of surprise. I felt stupid for sharing. I should have kept my mouth shut and moved on to the next question. And, as their "leader" they all knew for sure that I was the least qualified now. Some of them may have even been shocked that I was allowed the opportunity of leadership. No one else shared after that. We moved on to the next question and I did receive a sympathy hug after group discussion ended. 

Nine months later I was checking in with my ladies during the final week of the study. We had an amazing year of study together filled with great discussion and growth. They held a special place in my heart and were all so gracious and kind, especially considering how I struggled through my time as their leader. They walked with me through my pregnancy and delivery of Madelyn, prayed over me, and celebrated with me. One of my ladies had a special prayer request and sent me a message of praise! God had answered her prayers just as she was praying He would and she was updating me on the miracle. I rejoiced with her. A few decades of life separated us. She had shared great wisdom through the year about motherhood and family life, and others in the group testified to the beauty of her family. Before our conversation ended she said, "Thank you for sharing about your divorce. I went through the same thing as a young woman and still struggle with shame about it. I've let guilt and embarrassment hold me back from doing God's work, so your story really blessed me."

I didn't have to share. No one had to know. No one would know unless I told them. And honestly, after I shared, I wondered if my sharing mattered. Did it make a difference? Should I have just kept quiet? 

"Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out!

Tell others He has saved you from your enemies...

"Lord help!" they cried in their trouble and he saved them from their distress.

He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains.

Let them praise the Lord for his great love and for all his wonderful deeds to them...

The godly will see these things and be glad...

Those who are wise will take all this to heart; 

they will see in our history the faithful love of the Lord."

-Psalm 107