when marriage isn't 50/50... because sometimes it requires more give than take...
We started the fourth season of Married At First Sight tonight. Strangely, this show has become one our favorites. It's probably because we're both fascinated with marriage. I always joke with Aaron that we need to become marriage counselors, but I only half joke. Seriously, I would love it! We've been given the privilege of doing pre-marital counseling with some of our college students and we just eat up the opportunity. If there's one thing we like talking about, it's marriage. And although we're only a few years in, and far from being perfect, we love to share what we've learned!
I approached my marriage to Aaron through a completely different lens. I wish I could have walked into it completely naive, but that wasn't the case for me. And so I had a bit of "insider" information. Not that I would ever recommend it, but I will say that I had a good idea of what I wanted to do differently. We don't all get do-overs in life, so I am certainly grateful God gave me one. Anyway, I knew it wasn't going to be easy and effortless. I knew we were both going to have to work equally hard towards having a good marriage. I knew that if we both didn't desire success, if we both didn't completely commit, if we both didn't give our all, we wouldn't make it. But from what I knew of Aaron, and from what others told me, I wasn't worried about our chance of success.
Girls, can I tell you something? Character counts. You know this. You probably went through a Character Counts program in elementary school so you know what good character looks like. But we tend to forget that sometimes as we get knee deep in the game of compromise. I have learned that compromise leads us down a road we'd rather not travel. And so I knew that however Aaron behaved in our dating relationship and engagement would only be magnified in our marriage. If he was a little jealous or controlling when we dated, he'd be a lotta jealous and controlling as a husband. If he didn't offer to pitch in or help me out during our season of engagement, I could expect to be bearing the burden on my own after we exchanged vows. If he blew his lid before there was a lifelong commitment, he'd blow a gasket after I had no way out. I knew that whatever Aaron was, his true character, would be revealed in full after we were one. And so I looked for those things, I watched his reactions, I made note of his behaviors knowing that if I said yes to him, I could expect an intensified version of those very things.
I'll never forget toiling over the decision of whether or not I wanted to entertain the idea of dating Aaron. I didn't know him in the least. I didn't know a single thing about him, and I was a little nervous that I could very well find myself in a situation thinking I was getting one thing and end up with the complete opposite. I didn't know if it was worth the risk. Maybe it was better if I dated someone I knew a little something about. And as I was on a work trip, sitting in a hotel room really debating on how to move forward, my cousin texted me out of the blue.
"What was that guy's name that you went on a date with last week?"
Aaron Davis
"And he works at the hospital, right? His parents are pastors of a local church?"
Yeah
"One of my friends heard about it and she told me that he is an amazing guy! She had so many great things to say about him and said you should definitely go for it!"
After we began dating, random people would tell me about how wonderful Aaron was without prompting. About how amazing his parents were. And there wasn't a single person who said one negative thing about him. They weren't just being nice, either. They were being honest, and I knew that because I wasn't probing for information. It was simply coming my way, and I soon learned that it's better to trust the honesty of a stranger than listening to a friend who tells you only what you want to hear.
Marriages constantly face tests. They are what we make of them, but we can't avoid them. We are currently in a season of testing because it's new to us. And, really, I think we're just on the multiple choice section. The part where you can usually figure out the answer through process of elimination. The part you hope you do well on because you realize that the upcoming essay is where you're really going to be required to prove what you know. And so we've been feeling our way through pregnancy, which has been pretty easy for us up until this point. The past couple of weeks have been a bit harder. My body aches every. where. I am tired. I am completely unmotivated. I am slacking in so many areas that I often feel like I am failing as a wife. I didn't realize how quickly I would be exhausted from doing simple things like dusting the living room. I didn't know how much my back would ache from running errands. I didn't know that every day tasks become pretty difficult when you have an extra 20 pounds on your frame and a watermelon sticking out of your middle. Even the simple things like snuggling, giving my husband a tight squeeze when he gets home from work each day, rolling over at night because my hips are aching, or trying to sit up in bed each morning would become near impossible. And as I have had to pick and choose between what activities I can physically do and which ones I have enough energy to complete, I struggle with feeling like I'm not doing my part.
But at the end of every day, as I come home and slip on my husband's t-shirt and gym shorts that probably won't fit in a few weeks, I am reminded that marriage works when we don't make it about ourselves. Because it would be really easy for him to be put out with me at this point. As dust has settled all over our house from a lack of cleaning, he picks up a dust rag and gets to work. As the fridge is empty yet again, he volunteers to run by Chick-fil-A on his way home from work. As he watches me waddle around the house, complaining about how much my feet and back ache, he invites me over to sit down in front of him and rubs my shoulders until they loosen up. And as I apologize for my slothfulness, for my lack of affection, for the fact that I feel like I'm being a total bore, he hugs me and reminds me that he understands I'm in the process growing a baby and that it's a lot of work.
It's easy to make it about ourselves. To want what we want regardless of what our other half is dealing with. To feel like we've been given the short end of the stick when the work load doesn't quite balance. But marriage works when we share in the burden. That doesn't mean it's always 50/50. Sometimes one of us might have to give a little more because the other can't right now. But when the other is able to give, they need to make up for all of the taking. We always have to be thinking about the other person, even when it's at our own expense. We have to do our best to walk in their shoes although we may not understand. And when they're weak, we step up and we're strong. When they can't move forward, we pick up the torch and we keep running. And if that means we do the work for a while, we understand that one day, roles will reverse and it will be their turn. One day, we'll gladly do for them what they have done for us because that's what we promised to do. That's what we vowed to the Lord. And ladies, when you attach yourself to a man of great character, you are setting yourself up for success. He won't be perfect. He won't do everything right. But remember, his true character will be magnified in marriage, and trust me, a man of good character, although he may be hard to come by, is worth every moment of waiting it takes to find.
"Husbands, love you wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." - Ephesians 5:25
I approached my marriage to Aaron through a completely different lens. I wish I could have walked into it completely naive, but that wasn't the case for me. And so I had a bit of "insider" information. Not that I would ever recommend it, but I will say that I had a good idea of what I wanted to do differently. We don't all get do-overs in life, so I am certainly grateful God gave me one. Anyway, I knew it wasn't going to be easy and effortless. I knew we were both going to have to work equally hard towards having a good marriage. I knew that if we both didn't desire success, if we both didn't completely commit, if we both didn't give our all, we wouldn't make it. But from what I knew of Aaron, and from what others told me, I wasn't worried about our chance of success.
Girls, can I tell you something? Character counts. You know this. You probably went through a Character Counts program in elementary school so you know what good character looks like. But we tend to forget that sometimes as we get knee deep in the game of compromise. I have learned that compromise leads us down a road we'd rather not travel. And so I knew that however Aaron behaved in our dating relationship and engagement would only be magnified in our marriage. If he was a little jealous or controlling when we dated, he'd be a lotta jealous and controlling as a husband. If he didn't offer to pitch in or help me out during our season of engagement, I could expect to be bearing the burden on my own after we exchanged vows. If he blew his lid before there was a lifelong commitment, he'd blow a gasket after I had no way out. I knew that whatever Aaron was, his true character, would be revealed in full after we were one. And so I looked for those things, I watched his reactions, I made note of his behaviors knowing that if I said yes to him, I could expect an intensified version of those very things.
I'll never forget toiling over the decision of whether or not I wanted to entertain the idea of dating Aaron. I didn't know him in the least. I didn't know a single thing about him, and I was a little nervous that I could very well find myself in a situation thinking I was getting one thing and end up with the complete opposite. I didn't know if it was worth the risk. Maybe it was better if I dated someone I knew a little something about. And as I was on a work trip, sitting in a hotel room really debating on how to move forward, my cousin texted me out of the blue.
"What was that guy's name that you went on a date with last week?"
Aaron Davis
"And he works at the hospital, right? His parents are pastors of a local church?"
Yeah
"One of my friends heard about it and she told me that he is an amazing guy! She had so many great things to say about him and said you should definitely go for it!"
After we began dating, random people would tell me about how wonderful Aaron was without prompting. About how amazing his parents were. And there wasn't a single person who said one negative thing about him. They weren't just being nice, either. They were being honest, and I knew that because I wasn't probing for information. It was simply coming my way, and I soon learned that it's better to trust the honesty of a stranger than listening to a friend who tells you only what you want to hear.
Marriages constantly face tests. They are what we make of them, but we can't avoid them. We are currently in a season of testing because it's new to us. And, really, I think we're just on the multiple choice section. The part where you can usually figure out the answer through process of elimination. The part you hope you do well on because you realize that the upcoming essay is where you're really going to be required to prove what you know. And so we've been feeling our way through pregnancy, which has been pretty easy for us up until this point. The past couple of weeks have been a bit harder. My body aches every. where. I am tired. I am completely unmotivated. I am slacking in so many areas that I often feel like I am failing as a wife. I didn't realize how quickly I would be exhausted from doing simple things like dusting the living room. I didn't know how much my back would ache from running errands. I didn't know that every day tasks become pretty difficult when you have an extra 20 pounds on your frame and a watermelon sticking out of your middle. Even the simple things like snuggling, giving my husband a tight squeeze when he gets home from work each day, rolling over at night because my hips are aching, or trying to sit up in bed each morning would become near impossible. And as I have had to pick and choose between what activities I can physically do and which ones I have enough energy to complete, I struggle with feeling like I'm not doing my part.
But at the end of every day, as I come home and slip on my husband's t-shirt and gym shorts that probably won't fit in a few weeks, I am reminded that marriage works when we don't make it about ourselves. Because it would be really easy for him to be put out with me at this point. As dust has settled all over our house from a lack of cleaning, he picks up a dust rag and gets to work. As the fridge is empty yet again, he volunteers to run by Chick-fil-A on his way home from work. As he watches me waddle around the house, complaining about how much my feet and back ache, he invites me over to sit down in front of him and rubs my shoulders until they loosen up. And as I apologize for my slothfulness, for my lack of affection, for the fact that I feel like I'm being a total bore, he hugs me and reminds me that he understands I'm in the process growing a baby and that it's a lot of work.
It's easy to make it about ourselves. To want what we want regardless of what our other half is dealing with. To feel like we've been given the short end of the stick when the work load doesn't quite balance. But marriage works when we share in the burden. That doesn't mean it's always 50/50. Sometimes one of us might have to give a little more because the other can't right now. But when the other is able to give, they need to make up for all of the taking. We always have to be thinking about the other person, even when it's at our own expense. We have to do our best to walk in their shoes although we may not understand. And when they're weak, we step up and we're strong. When they can't move forward, we pick up the torch and we keep running. And if that means we do the work for a while, we understand that one day, roles will reverse and it will be their turn. One day, we'll gladly do for them what they have done for us because that's what we promised to do. That's what we vowed to the Lord. And ladies, when you attach yourself to a man of great character, you are setting yourself up for success. He won't be perfect. He won't do everything right. But remember, his true character will be magnified in marriage, and trust me, a man of good character, although he may be hard to come by, is worth every moment of waiting it takes to find.
"Husbands, love you wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." - Ephesians 5:25
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