Reason #790
I always felt like I fit in until I was single...again. Because when I was single this first time, that was okay. No one felt weird about that. It didn't make for awkward situations. The second time around was completely different.
A few weeks into my newly found singleness, I went to a gathering full of ladies from my church. They all knew what was going on in my life, and I knew the majority of them were praying for me. Most of the women there were more like mentors to me. A few were my age, but most were older. I really felt like I needed to be there to support the cause, and so I mustered all the courage I had and went. The moment I walked in the door, I wished I wouldn't have gone. I tried to act normal, but it was really hard. I was greeted with really sympathetic smiles and hugs. I could quickly tell that I wasn't the only one who was uncomfortable, either. I was the only single lady in a room full of married women and no one knew what to do.
The thing is, people usually have no idea how to react to situations in which they have never been. That's completely understandable. I mean, how could you know? And I realize that we so often we try to do or say the right thing, which usually ends up being the wrong thing. You may be the one person who says the encouraging thing that sticks with them, but you also run the risk of saying the very thing that adds salt to their wounds and haunts them. And so if you don't know what to say, if you can't relate, then don't try.
Your newly single sister doesn't want to hear about how well marriage is going for you. She doesn't want to hear the story you read on Facebook about a couple whose marriage was restored after a decade of separation. She doesn't want your unsolicited marriage advice, it's too late for that. She doesn't want to hear about your friend's brother's wife's cousin who just went through "the same thing" or the story of how your high school boyfriend broke your heart. As much as you hesitate asking her how she's doing, she hesitates telling you. Because she feels like she has relived her nightmare over and over again to every person who asks how she's doing and it wears on her fragile emotions each time. She doesn't want to pour her heart out to you over coffee, and if she does, she'll bring it up. She doesn't expect you to give her words of wisdom or point her in the right direction. She just wants your friendship and support. She wants you to treat her like a normal person. She doesn't want sympathy hugs, she'd rather go get a pedicure with you so she can take her mind off of her troubles for an hour. She'd like to just hang out and not have a free and slightly forced therapy session each time. She'd like for you to be there for her just like you were before it all fell apart.
The truth is, even though half of America is divorced, we still have a hard time knowing what to do or say to a divorced person. Treating them like a charity case doesn't make them feel better. They are sad, probably depressed, but they're still people. They just hurt. Sure, they'll get over it. They'll heal and they'll move on, but they'll decide when and how that happens. Just like any other person, heartbroken people appreciate an invitation to dinner, a movie date, or an afternoon shopping spree. Those things can often be more helpful and healing than anything you could ever say to them.
Jesus wasn't afraid to talk to divorced people. Look at the woman He met at the well. He struck up a conversation with her. That wasn't the first thing He pointed out about her, but He acknowledged her heartbreak. He knew what she had been through, and it was okay that He let her know. Trust me, it always feels better to just say it than be awkward about it. But Jesus didn't sit at the well and give her all sorts of marriage advice. He didn't tell her stories of people He knew who had been through the same thing. He didn't lay out a list of options of what he thought God might or could end up doing in her life. He didn't make her sit down and spill her guts to try and find healing. Jesus pointed her to life. He pointed her to the well that wouldn't run dry. To the one thing that would refresh her thirsty soul. That's what she needed more than anything, and she found an abundance and a freedom she had never experienced before. Her life was already changed, no doubt, but Jesus was transforming it.
God will do great things in your single sister's life. All you need to do is love her like Jesus would love her and treat her the same. Pray that God would refresh her weary soul. That she, too, would find abundance and freedom in the midst of her trials. No one wishes things were different more than she does. No one has pleaded with God for redemption and reconciliation more than she has. No one has thought more about how her future is going to turn out than her. You don't have to have an answer for her. You don't have to try and relate to her. Jesus will transform her life. Count it a joy that you get to be a part of His redemptive work and celebrate whatever answer it is that He gives her.
#790 - Because of His redemptive and transforming work that bring forth abundant, free life!
"Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” - John 4:13-14
A few weeks into my newly found singleness, I went to a gathering full of ladies from my church. They all knew what was going on in my life, and I knew the majority of them were praying for me. Most of the women there were more like mentors to me. A few were my age, but most were older. I really felt like I needed to be there to support the cause, and so I mustered all the courage I had and went. The moment I walked in the door, I wished I wouldn't have gone. I tried to act normal, but it was really hard. I was greeted with really sympathetic smiles and hugs. I could quickly tell that I wasn't the only one who was uncomfortable, either. I was the only single lady in a room full of married women and no one knew what to do.
The thing is, people usually have no idea how to react to situations in which they have never been. That's completely understandable. I mean, how could you know? And I realize that we so often we try to do or say the right thing, which usually ends up being the wrong thing. You may be the one person who says the encouraging thing that sticks with them, but you also run the risk of saying the very thing that adds salt to their wounds and haunts them. And so if you don't know what to say, if you can't relate, then don't try.
Your newly single sister doesn't want to hear about how well marriage is going for you. She doesn't want to hear the story you read on Facebook about a couple whose marriage was restored after a decade of separation. She doesn't want your unsolicited marriage advice, it's too late for that. She doesn't want to hear about your friend's brother's wife's cousin who just went through "the same thing" or the story of how your high school boyfriend broke your heart. As much as you hesitate asking her how she's doing, she hesitates telling you. Because she feels like she has relived her nightmare over and over again to every person who asks how she's doing and it wears on her fragile emotions each time. She doesn't want to pour her heart out to you over coffee, and if she does, she'll bring it up. She doesn't expect you to give her words of wisdom or point her in the right direction. She just wants your friendship and support. She wants you to treat her like a normal person. She doesn't want sympathy hugs, she'd rather go get a pedicure with you so she can take her mind off of her troubles for an hour. She'd like to just hang out and not have a free and slightly forced therapy session each time. She'd like for you to be there for her just like you were before it all fell apart.
The truth is, even though half of America is divorced, we still have a hard time knowing what to do or say to a divorced person. Treating them like a charity case doesn't make them feel better. They are sad, probably depressed, but they're still people. They just hurt. Sure, they'll get over it. They'll heal and they'll move on, but they'll decide when and how that happens. Just like any other person, heartbroken people appreciate an invitation to dinner, a movie date, or an afternoon shopping spree. Those things can often be more helpful and healing than anything you could ever say to them.
Jesus wasn't afraid to talk to divorced people. Look at the woman He met at the well. He struck up a conversation with her. That wasn't the first thing He pointed out about her, but He acknowledged her heartbreak. He knew what she had been through, and it was okay that He let her know. Trust me, it always feels better to just say it than be awkward about it. But Jesus didn't sit at the well and give her all sorts of marriage advice. He didn't tell her stories of people He knew who had been through the same thing. He didn't lay out a list of options of what he thought God might or could end up doing in her life. He didn't make her sit down and spill her guts to try and find healing. Jesus pointed her to life. He pointed her to the well that wouldn't run dry. To the one thing that would refresh her thirsty soul. That's what she needed more than anything, and she found an abundance and a freedom she had never experienced before. Her life was already changed, no doubt, but Jesus was transforming it.
God will do great things in your single sister's life. All you need to do is love her like Jesus would love her and treat her the same. Pray that God would refresh her weary soul. That she, too, would find abundance and freedom in the midst of her trials. No one wishes things were different more than she does. No one has pleaded with God for redemption and reconciliation more than she has. No one has thought more about how her future is going to turn out than her. You don't have to have an answer for her. You don't have to try and relate to her. Jesus will transform her life. Count it a joy that you get to be a part of His redemptive work and celebrate whatever answer it is that He gives her.
#790 - Because of His redemptive and transforming work that bring forth abundant, free life!
"Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” - John 4:13-14
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