Because this is what matters, Annabeth...
Annabeth, you're 3 months old today! I would say that I can't believe it, but I actually can. People keep telling me that time will fly by and you'll be grown before I know it. Maybe it will. Or maybe, like right now, it will pass at just the right speed. I hope that's the case. Truthfully, I look forward to each month because with each month you accomplish new things. I love watching you grow and learn, so I am not sad that you're officially out of the "newborn" phase of life. Month three has brought a lot of fun, new firsts, and as you can guess, God is using you to continue to teach me more about myself and about His love for us.
People told me that the day of your birth would be "the best" day of my life. That's a lot of pressure to put on one day, don't you think? I've had some really bad days, but I've also had some really good days so I wondered what would happen to make your birthday the absolute best one. Well, you already know the story and how things went down that day, and I'll just go ahead and be honest with you. It wasn't the best day of my life. I'm sorry to admit that, but it just wasn't. Not by any fault of your own, of course. You were certainly the best part of that day! But it was the scariest, most painful day of my life. It was a day filled with fear and worry and by the end of the day, I was thankful it was over. I was thankful that the experience was behind me. More than that, I was thankful that we were both alive. And so guilt set in when your birthday didn't live up to the hype, Why wasn't my mother-heart bursting at the seams? Why weren't there stars in my eyes? Why didn't I feel the way all the other mothers said they felt? And I began to wonder if maybe there was something wrong with me.
I am pretty certain I spent the first month of your life in shock. I really don't know how I made it through. It's kind of a blur, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I had help for 3 weeks, and I was really dreading the week that we would be on our own. How was I going to do this? Usually, if things don't look promising, I don't try them. I like to play it safe and do the things at which I know I'll succeed. And so being with you on my own was a scary thought. What if I fail? Everyone else seemed to be so confident with you, but I was just pretending. I was playing it cool, doing my absolute best to relax and not worry, and operating under the "fake it until you make it" principle. And as our first week together came to an end, I thought to myself, "Oh my word, we made it! We did it! A whole week on our own and we're both still breathing!" But the truth is, just as I had done on the day of your birth, every day was filled with prayers that went something like, "Lord, please help me!"
And He did.
After the shock wore off, and after we made it through our first week alone, things began rolling more smoothly. I set pretty high expectations for us, so I had to learn to show us some grace and give us room to grow. You're my new job, and I had to remind myself that it has always taken me about 6 months to really figure out any new job I've ever had. I certainly wasn't going to figure out motherhood over night. I did wonder, however, if you actually knew who I was because it kind of seemed like my hard work wasn't paying off. The moments that I felt discouraged, the moments that I felt like maybe I missed my dose of gushy motherhood feelings, I would begin asking God to give me joy that was greater than the exhaustion. I asked Him to deepen my love for you. And somewhere between those late night feedings and countless diaper changes, He did.
We're three months in now, and God has been faithful to answer every prayer. I still don't really know what I am doing, but you sure know who I am. No doubt about that! I'm slowly gaining confidence in my ability to be your mother as I have successfully kept you alive for a quarter of the year. You've grown like a weed, and this month, you began smiling. The moments when I feel as if I'm failing, I tell myself that your sweet smiles must mean I am doing something right. You're learning the power of smiles, too. At night, when we put you in bed, you'll fuss for a few minutes. When I go back in to reassure you that you're fine and remind you it's bedtime, you flash the sweetest, open mouthed smile and your face lights up. It takes all of my will power to not pick you up. You have no idea how much I want to. And even though I've never been much of a morning person, I look forward to you waking up because the joy on your face when I hold you for the first time each day melts my heart.
The overwhelming love that I expected has certainly arrived. And what I'm learning, Annabeth, what I want you to know, is that sometimes we've just got to give it time. People are always going to tell you this, that, and other. Mostly, it'll be things they think they should say, and rarely will it be their true feelings. But we can't compare ourselves. We can't assume that what happens for one, happens for all. Because when we begin to compare, we begin to feel inadequate. We begin to think that maybe something is wrong with us, when the truth is, we're probably in the same boat as everyone else. I once heard someone say that a parent's love for their child is so deep because of how they serve their child from the start. When we serve one another, God's love is made alive. And when God's love becomes a reality in our lives, when we truly live it out, we not only come to experience the joy of giving - just as He intended it to be - but love plants itself, takes root, and begins blooming in a most beautiful way.
I am reading a book right now, The Life Giving Home, written by a mother and daughter (Sarah & Sally Clarkson). The mother wrote, "I understood that no matter what other work I would accomplish, part of my service of worship to God was to serve the child He had given me." And that's what matters, Annabeth. Not what other people are doing, but what you are doing. And if you're serving God in the way that He's asked you to, then you're on the right track. He isn't comparing you to anyone but you. He isn't asking you to do the same as someone else. He's just asking that you serve Him, that you do it well, and that you do it with all your heart. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do. Not worry about what the other mothers are up to. I'm just trying to be the best mom for you. After all, God gave you to me because He knew we'd be a good match for one another. I'm the mom you need, and you're the daughter I need. Isn't it amazing that God designed and planned for us each other before the beginning of time?
I don't know what next month holds or the month after that. I don't know what God has in store for us, Annabeth. I have hopes, sure. But God's teaching me to take it a day at a time. To let you be you, and for me to be me. And as we keep trekking along, learning more and more as we go, I am so thankful that God will walk with us every step of the way - helping us as we need it and loving us more than we could ever comprehend.
"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him and he will help you." - Psalm 37:5
People told me that the day of your birth would be "the best" day of my life. That's a lot of pressure to put on one day, don't you think? I've had some really bad days, but I've also had some really good days so I wondered what would happen to make your birthday the absolute best one. Well, you already know the story and how things went down that day, and I'll just go ahead and be honest with you. It wasn't the best day of my life. I'm sorry to admit that, but it just wasn't. Not by any fault of your own, of course. You were certainly the best part of that day! But it was the scariest, most painful day of my life. It was a day filled with fear and worry and by the end of the day, I was thankful it was over. I was thankful that the experience was behind me. More than that, I was thankful that we were both alive. And so guilt set in when your birthday didn't live up to the hype, Why wasn't my mother-heart bursting at the seams? Why weren't there stars in my eyes? Why didn't I feel the way all the other mothers said they felt? And I began to wonder if maybe there was something wrong with me.
I am pretty certain I spent the first month of your life in shock. I really don't know how I made it through. It's kind of a blur, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I had help for 3 weeks, and I was really dreading the week that we would be on our own. How was I going to do this? Usually, if things don't look promising, I don't try them. I like to play it safe and do the things at which I know I'll succeed. And so being with you on my own was a scary thought. What if I fail? Everyone else seemed to be so confident with you, but I was just pretending. I was playing it cool, doing my absolute best to relax and not worry, and operating under the "fake it until you make it" principle. And as our first week together came to an end, I thought to myself, "Oh my word, we made it! We did it! A whole week on our own and we're both still breathing!" But the truth is, just as I had done on the day of your birth, every day was filled with prayers that went something like, "Lord, please help me!"
And He did.
After the shock wore off, and after we made it through our first week alone, things began rolling more smoothly. I set pretty high expectations for us, so I had to learn to show us some grace and give us room to grow. You're my new job, and I had to remind myself that it has always taken me about 6 months to really figure out any new job I've ever had. I certainly wasn't going to figure out motherhood over night. I did wonder, however, if you actually knew who I was because it kind of seemed like my hard work wasn't paying off. The moments that I felt discouraged, the moments that I felt like maybe I missed my dose of gushy motherhood feelings, I would begin asking God to give me joy that was greater than the exhaustion. I asked Him to deepen my love for you. And somewhere between those late night feedings and countless diaper changes, He did.
We're three months in now, and God has been faithful to answer every prayer. I still don't really know what I am doing, but you sure know who I am. No doubt about that! I'm slowly gaining confidence in my ability to be your mother as I have successfully kept you alive for a quarter of the year. You've grown like a weed, and this month, you began smiling. The moments when I feel as if I'm failing, I tell myself that your sweet smiles must mean I am doing something right. You're learning the power of smiles, too. At night, when we put you in bed, you'll fuss for a few minutes. When I go back in to reassure you that you're fine and remind you it's bedtime, you flash the sweetest, open mouthed smile and your face lights up. It takes all of my will power to not pick you up. You have no idea how much I want to. And even though I've never been much of a morning person, I look forward to you waking up because the joy on your face when I hold you for the first time each day melts my heart.
The overwhelming love that I expected has certainly arrived. And what I'm learning, Annabeth, what I want you to know, is that sometimes we've just got to give it time. People are always going to tell you this, that, and other. Mostly, it'll be things they think they should say, and rarely will it be their true feelings. But we can't compare ourselves. We can't assume that what happens for one, happens for all. Because when we begin to compare, we begin to feel inadequate. We begin to think that maybe something is wrong with us, when the truth is, we're probably in the same boat as everyone else. I once heard someone say that a parent's love for their child is so deep because of how they serve their child from the start. When we serve one another, God's love is made alive. And when God's love becomes a reality in our lives, when we truly live it out, we not only come to experience the joy of giving - just as He intended it to be - but love plants itself, takes root, and begins blooming in a most beautiful way.
I am reading a book right now, The Life Giving Home, written by a mother and daughter (Sarah & Sally Clarkson). The mother wrote, "I understood that no matter what other work I would accomplish, part of my service of worship to God was to serve the child He had given me." And that's what matters, Annabeth. Not what other people are doing, but what you are doing. And if you're serving God in the way that He's asked you to, then you're on the right track. He isn't comparing you to anyone but you. He isn't asking you to do the same as someone else. He's just asking that you serve Him, that you do it well, and that you do it with all your heart. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do. Not worry about what the other mothers are up to. I'm just trying to be the best mom for you. After all, God gave you to me because He knew we'd be a good match for one another. I'm the mom you need, and you're the daughter I need. Isn't it amazing that God designed and planned for us each other before the beginning of time?
I don't know what next month holds or the month after that. I don't know what God has in store for us, Annabeth. I have hopes, sure. But God's teaching me to take it a day at a time. To let you be you, and for me to be me. And as we keep trekking along, learning more and more as we go, I am so thankful that God will walk with us every step of the way - helping us as we need it and loving us more than we could ever comprehend.
"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him and he will help you." - Psalm 37:5
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