what the heck am I doing...
I was ill-prepared for my first full-time job out of college. I had just spent a few years of my life going through accounting class after accounting class somehow thinking that I'd be completely competent when I accepted my first job. Little did I know, I knew nothing. Here's what college teaches you:
1. You have the ability to finish something you started.
2. You have the ability successfully complete challenges.
3. You are capable of learning.
And so I took the first job that came my way because I was smack dab in the middle of making horrible life decisions. Thankfully, the Lord was able to redeem those and use them for my good, praise Jesus! But I jumped at the offer to take an incredibly low paying job to be miserable for a year and a half because I was afraid another opportunity might not come along. Making decisions out of fear is the worst idea, but we sure know that by now, don't we? I was a 21 year old graduate who was put in charge of managing a multi-million dollar government grant and the only thing that qualified me for the job was the fact that I was willing to take it. That right there should have been an indicator, huh? Anyway, I had a boss who, surprisingly, had complete confidence in me, didn't mind answering my thousands of questions, and never made me feel dumb for not knowing what the heck I was doing. It took me about 6 months to feel somewhat confident in my role and abilities. One day, it just clicked. All of the sudden, I understood why I was doing what I was doing. I wasn't just going through the motions and hoping I got it right. I knew I got it right. And once I knew that, it became a breeze. The questions slowed down, the work sped up, and I knew that if I could successfully tackle that job, I could do anything.
It's a good thing the Lord allowed me to take that job right out of the gate. I learned so much during that short amount of time that I would have never learned otherwise. And although I thought I was prepared, I really wasn't. Sure, some of my college work came back to my aid, but most of it was on the job learning. It was making mistakes and correcting them. It was humbling myself to admit that I needed help. It was seeking out and searching for answers. And mostly, it was trying. It was learning to push through, do my best, and give it my all regardless of whether or not I enjoyed the work. And every job after that one. I accepted with confidence. I knew, without a doubt, that I could do each job I was offered. I always had a good idea of what I was getting myself into, and I never walked into a job afraid of the work or feeling doubtful of my abilities. I never wondered if I would be able to carry out the roles or if I would have a difficult time learning them. No, I just accepted each job with eager anticipation of what I would be able to accomplish during that season. So I never made another career move thinking to myself, "What the heck am I doing?".
Until now.
I wasn't prepared for motherhood. Is anyone ever really prepared for that role the first time they accept it? For as much as your life changes when you get married, it pales in comparison to the drastic transition that is brought about through motherhood. I am sure there are definitely those "naturals" out there, but I'm not one of them. I have floundered around more the past 3 months than I ever have my entire life. I seriously had no preparation for this. College was no help. My previous employment history has been no help. Having a dog didn't even help. Had I realized how ignorant I actually was when it came to babies, I would have taken a job at a daycare to learn a few things. Until Annabeth was born, I had never changed a diaper. I had never fed or bathed a baby. I had never successfully burped a baby. I have had a lot of learning to do, and I have found myself thinking "What the heck am I doing?" over and over and over again as I have tried my best to figure it out.
But I'm trying. I'm also learning that while I'm doing some things right, I'm probably doing many things wrong according to the book. I'm learning that I might be a little late to the game on a couple of key issues, so thank goodness my guinea pig is pretty easy going. I've heard so many conflicting opinions from the experts about what you should and shouldn't do that sometimes it makes me wonder if anyone actually knows what to do. But as I was reading through Proverbs the other night, I was reminded of this. "The Lord gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding." (Proverbs 2:6)
There is wisdom is asking questions and seeking answers. There is wisdom in admitting that you don't know it all and you can use a little help. But I realize that no one is going to give me better insight into the life of my child and what she needs more than the Lord. Because He created her. He fashioned her. He knows every little thing about her. What she likes, what she dislikes, what makes her happy, what makes her sad. He knows what she's thinking and feeling when she can't even put those things into words right now. And so who better to listen to, who better to ask, than God? Because He's a God who not only know what babies need, but He knows exactly what Annabeth needs at the time that she needs it . And if the God of the universe has that much knowledge, then it only makes sense that He would be the one I ask.
And so if you don't really know what you're doing, that's okay. Because He knows. He has the answers. There is no problem too great for Him to solve. There is no issue too big for Him to settle. All you have to do is ask. Seek. Open your ears and listen. I've learned that just as God knows everything, He is eager to share. He is glad to instruct us, and He stands ready to help. You don't have to know it all. If you know the one who does, you'll be just fine.
"Who, then, are those who fear the Lord? He will instruct them in the ways they should choose...The Lord confides in those who fear Him. He makes His covenant known to them." - Psalm 25:12&14
1. You have the ability to finish something you started.
2. You have the ability successfully complete challenges.
3. You are capable of learning.
And so I took the first job that came my way because I was smack dab in the middle of making horrible life decisions. Thankfully, the Lord was able to redeem those and use them for my good, praise Jesus! But I jumped at the offer to take an incredibly low paying job to be miserable for a year and a half because I was afraid another opportunity might not come along. Making decisions out of fear is the worst idea, but we sure know that by now, don't we? I was a 21 year old graduate who was put in charge of managing a multi-million dollar government grant and the only thing that qualified me for the job was the fact that I was willing to take it. That right there should have been an indicator, huh? Anyway, I had a boss who, surprisingly, had complete confidence in me, didn't mind answering my thousands of questions, and never made me feel dumb for not knowing what the heck I was doing. It took me about 6 months to feel somewhat confident in my role and abilities. One day, it just clicked. All of the sudden, I understood why I was doing what I was doing. I wasn't just going through the motions and hoping I got it right. I knew I got it right. And once I knew that, it became a breeze. The questions slowed down, the work sped up, and I knew that if I could successfully tackle that job, I could do anything.
It's a good thing the Lord allowed me to take that job right out of the gate. I learned so much during that short amount of time that I would have never learned otherwise. And although I thought I was prepared, I really wasn't. Sure, some of my college work came back to my aid, but most of it was on the job learning. It was making mistakes and correcting them. It was humbling myself to admit that I needed help. It was seeking out and searching for answers. And mostly, it was trying. It was learning to push through, do my best, and give it my all regardless of whether or not I enjoyed the work. And every job after that one. I accepted with confidence. I knew, without a doubt, that I could do each job I was offered. I always had a good idea of what I was getting myself into, and I never walked into a job afraid of the work or feeling doubtful of my abilities. I never wondered if I would be able to carry out the roles or if I would have a difficult time learning them. No, I just accepted each job with eager anticipation of what I would be able to accomplish during that season. So I never made another career move thinking to myself, "What the heck am I doing?".
Until now.
I wasn't prepared for motherhood. Is anyone ever really prepared for that role the first time they accept it? For as much as your life changes when you get married, it pales in comparison to the drastic transition that is brought about through motherhood. I am sure there are definitely those "naturals" out there, but I'm not one of them. I have floundered around more the past 3 months than I ever have my entire life. I seriously had no preparation for this. College was no help. My previous employment history has been no help. Having a dog didn't even help. Had I realized how ignorant I actually was when it came to babies, I would have taken a job at a daycare to learn a few things. Until Annabeth was born, I had never changed a diaper. I had never fed or bathed a baby. I had never successfully burped a baby. I have had a lot of learning to do, and I have found myself thinking "What the heck am I doing?" over and over and over again as I have tried my best to figure it out.
But I'm trying. I'm also learning that while I'm doing some things right, I'm probably doing many things wrong according to the book. I'm learning that I might be a little late to the game on a couple of key issues, so thank goodness my guinea pig is pretty easy going. I've heard so many conflicting opinions from the experts about what you should and shouldn't do that sometimes it makes me wonder if anyone actually knows what to do. But as I was reading through Proverbs the other night, I was reminded of this. "The Lord gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding." (Proverbs 2:6)
There is wisdom is asking questions and seeking answers. There is wisdom in admitting that you don't know it all and you can use a little help. But I realize that no one is going to give me better insight into the life of my child and what she needs more than the Lord. Because He created her. He fashioned her. He knows every little thing about her. What she likes, what she dislikes, what makes her happy, what makes her sad. He knows what she's thinking and feeling when she can't even put those things into words right now. And so who better to listen to, who better to ask, than God? Because He's a God who not only know what babies need, but He knows exactly what Annabeth needs at the time that she needs it . And if the God of the universe has that much knowledge, then it only makes sense that He would be the one I ask.
And so if you don't really know what you're doing, that's okay. Because He knows. He has the answers. There is no problem too great for Him to solve. There is no issue too big for Him to settle. All you have to do is ask. Seek. Open your ears and listen. I've learned that just as God knows everything, He is eager to share. He is glad to instruct us, and He stands ready to help. You don't have to know it all. If you know the one who does, you'll be just fine.
"Who, then, are those who fear the Lord? He will instruct them in the ways they should choose...The Lord confides in those who fear Him. He makes His covenant known to them." - Psalm 25:12&14
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