five years ago...
Five years ago yesterday, it began. Five years ago, I found myself tired. Tired of crying. Tired of being sad. Tired of waking up every day, going through the motions, and dreading the night. January and February are my least favorite months of the year. Months that are dark, cold, never ending. And that's how I felt. That's how the pain felt, too. Like it would never go away. It would never stop. There would never be an end because this was the end. The end of my life, of my happiness, of anything possibly good that I knew. Or at least that's what it seemed.
But five years ago, God saw. God heard. He had seen and heard all along, but God was moving mountains for a girl who felt so broken, broken beyond repair, to prove His love for her. Because "fixing her situation" really wasn't going to do that. At the time, it seemed that would be the best solution and the clearest display of His love for her. But God knew better. Always does. And He knew that allowing her to be devastated, humbled, allowing her heart to break and her dreams to shatter was exactly how He was going to show her the incredible depth of His love for her.
Weeks before, she had fallen on her knees and she had surrendered with hope. She let go, waving her white flag, and she utter a prayer like this, "God, please show me the truth!" And as God bent down, lending His ear towards her tearful prayer, He did exactly that. God, the source of all truth, answered. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life." And the promise of those words were being fulfilled. Light began shining so clearly into her darkness that she couldn't deny it anymore. She was seeing the truth and it hurt. It hurt more than she anticipated and just like the old movie line, she wondered if she could handle the truth. Because what she was seeing was painful, and it wasn't supposed to be that way. She was supposed to feel loved. She was supposed to be wanted. She was supposed to feel valued and pursued and treasured. But she felt rejected. She felt humiliated. She felt depressed and discouraged. Little did she know, all the things she was hoping for were already taking place and soon, she would figure that out.
And so God said, "Write. Write it out. Give me your fingers and I'll give you the words. You're going to write exactly what I want to tell you. Exactly what you need to hear. Like the little child who writes, "I will obey the rules" over in over in grade school until it sticks, you're going to write what I say until you believe it. Maybe one time, maybe one thousand, but this is the process and this is the answer, and if you ever doubt that I care about you, you're going to have it on record to review for yourself. You're going to know, with absolute certainty, how deeply I love you. I won't let you forget because you will have said it yourself. You will live it, you will experience it, and you will know it."
And I began to learn. I was learning about a God who loved me so deeply, so passionately, so jealously, that He was going to go to any length to help me understand that. It wasn't just this, "Hey! Cheer up partner. You're cool and I love you, so be happy." It was a love like I never understood. A love that got down into the muck and the mire I was in and began pulling me towards redemption. A love that sat with me night after night, catching tear after tear, recording each one, and showing me that "those who sow with tears will reap a harvest of joy." (Psalm 126:5) A love that took me on wild adventures. Gave me courage to face my fears. A love that provided my every need when it seemed impossible. It was a love that showed me how to find joy in all things, how to see miracles in the monotony of every day living, and how to count blessings in the midst of pain. A love that withheld nothing good, never failed, and never gave up. A love that pursued me, treasured me, valued me, and a love that continuously carried me.
Five years later, I didn't think I'd be here. I didn't know what God had in store. Couldn't have dreamed this up, that's for sure. And I still don't know what He has up His sleeve. But what a incredible five years, am I right? And should I be surprised? Should I be shocked that God has filled my life with good things? That He completely redeemed my circumstances and met the desires of my heart? That He not only healed my brokenness but that He also used it for His glory? Isn't that what God promises us? Not an easy life. Not a perfect one, either. But a life worth living if we'll just stick close and follow Him. But we have to hang in there and trust. Trust that the God who goes to incredible lengths to display His love for us would truly work all things out for our good just like He said He would. And we have to believe it. Live it. Not just with our heads, but with our hearts and with our words and with our actions. And should we forget, then we remember. And when we remember, we lift our hands, we close our eyes, and we say, "Thank you, Lord. There is none like you!"
"Who is like the Lord our God, the one who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?" - Psalm 113:5-6
But five years ago, God saw. God heard. He had seen and heard all along, but God was moving mountains for a girl who felt so broken, broken beyond repair, to prove His love for her. Because "fixing her situation" really wasn't going to do that. At the time, it seemed that would be the best solution and the clearest display of His love for her. But God knew better. Always does. And He knew that allowing her to be devastated, humbled, allowing her heart to break and her dreams to shatter was exactly how He was going to show her the incredible depth of His love for her.
Weeks before, she had fallen on her knees and she had surrendered with hope. She let go, waving her white flag, and she utter a prayer like this, "God, please show me the truth!" And as God bent down, lending His ear towards her tearful prayer, He did exactly that. God, the source of all truth, answered. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life." And the promise of those words were being fulfilled. Light began shining so clearly into her darkness that she couldn't deny it anymore. She was seeing the truth and it hurt. It hurt more than she anticipated and just like the old movie line, she wondered if she could handle the truth. Because what she was seeing was painful, and it wasn't supposed to be that way. She was supposed to feel loved. She was supposed to be wanted. She was supposed to feel valued and pursued and treasured. But she felt rejected. She felt humiliated. She felt depressed and discouraged. Little did she know, all the things she was hoping for were already taking place and soon, she would figure that out.
And so God said, "Write. Write it out. Give me your fingers and I'll give you the words. You're going to write exactly what I want to tell you. Exactly what you need to hear. Like the little child who writes, "I will obey the rules" over in over in grade school until it sticks, you're going to write what I say until you believe it. Maybe one time, maybe one thousand, but this is the process and this is the answer, and if you ever doubt that I care about you, you're going to have it on record to review for yourself. You're going to know, with absolute certainty, how deeply I love you. I won't let you forget because you will have said it yourself. You will live it, you will experience it, and you will know it."
And I began to learn. I was learning about a God who loved me so deeply, so passionately, so jealously, that He was going to go to any length to help me understand that. It wasn't just this, "Hey! Cheer up partner. You're cool and I love you, so be happy." It was a love like I never understood. A love that got down into the muck and the mire I was in and began pulling me towards redemption. A love that sat with me night after night, catching tear after tear, recording each one, and showing me that "those who sow with tears will reap a harvest of joy." (Psalm 126:5) A love that took me on wild adventures. Gave me courage to face my fears. A love that provided my every need when it seemed impossible. It was a love that showed me how to find joy in all things, how to see miracles in the monotony of every day living, and how to count blessings in the midst of pain. A love that withheld nothing good, never failed, and never gave up. A love that pursued me, treasured me, valued me, and a love that continuously carried me.
Five years later, I didn't think I'd be here. I didn't know what God had in store. Couldn't have dreamed this up, that's for sure. And I still don't know what He has up His sleeve. But what a incredible five years, am I right? And should I be surprised? Should I be shocked that God has filled my life with good things? That He completely redeemed my circumstances and met the desires of my heart? That He not only healed my brokenness but that He also used it for His glory? Isn't that what God promises us? Not an easy life. Not a perfect one, either. But a life worth living if we'll just stick close and follow Him. But we have to hang in there and trust. Trust that the God who goes to incredible lengths to display His love for us would truly work all things out for our good just like He said He would. And we have to believe it. Live it. Not just with our heads, but with our hearts and with our words and with our actions. And should we forget, then we remember. And when we remember, we lift our hands, we close our eyes, and we say, "Thank you, Lord. There is none like you!"
"Who is like the Lord our God, the one who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?" - Psalm 113:5-6
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