if you want to ruin your marriage...
I came across a news article yesterday stating that our Vice President, Mike Pence, and his wife do not go out to eat meals separately with individuals of the opposite sex. This was no surprise to me, as I figured every married couple implemented this wisdom into their relationship. I don't know why this is a practice that would receive wide criticism, but it did. And as I marveled at how the Pence's words and intentions were twisted in a way that put them under fire, I quickly remembered that we live in a culture that has done all it can to ruin marriage. Especially God honoring marriage.
I don't think any of us get married and hope for the worst. I've yet to attend a wedding where the bride and the groom did not say vows that ended in " til death do us part." And yet the death of many marriages does not occur when one person passes away. How does one go from "I love you forever," to "I don't love you at all?" Well, it doesn't happen over night. It's a slippery slope that is easy to get on. So, if you're looking for ways to ruin your marriage, here are a few sure fire ways to get the ball rolling.
1. Don't ever apologize or take ownership for your actions.
Never say you're sorry. If you HAVE to apologize, then do it in a way that still puts it back on the other person. Make sure to keep in mind that it's their fault. If they weren't so _____ then you wouldn't have done what you did or said what you said. They made you do it. It's not your fault. You're always the victim, so don't ever take ownership for your actions. Blame them... all the time. Sure, it takes two to tango, but your spouse is different. They're conspiring against you and looking for ways to make you miserable. Here you are, the innocent one, having to endure it all. Never mind that you might actually have a thing or two that you need to fess up to and apologize for. Yeah, the Bible does say that we are supposed to confess our sins and pray for one another so that we can find healing (James 5:16), but that only works when you've done something wrong, and I'm sure you never done anything wrong.
2. Don't forgive and don't forget.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing, and why in the world would you ever want to free someone from the hurt they caused you? Jesus said we are to forgive 7 times 70 times (Matthew 18:22), but he doesn't have to live in our home. And so rather than forgive, keep score. Remember all the times that you've felt wronged by them. Hold it against them and when you get a chance, try to recall those moments as much as you can. Bring them up often in an attempt to really heap guilt on your spouse and use those situations as proof that they are a terrible person and you're better than them. If they happen to bring up something against you, turn it right back around on them. This is why you can't forget anything and let it go. You've got to have more stories so that you can always win. Or at least, from a fleshly perspective, you can feel like you're winning even though your marriage is failing.
3. Paint the other person in the worst possible light.
Vent. Get it all out. Tell all your family, friends, and co-workers how terrible your spouse is. If you want to call them names, that will work, but that might also shock the listeners a bit. To better accomplish this, do it in a story. You can even make it seem like a funny little joke, but don't worry, your words will paint the negative picture regardless. There are countless verses in the Bible that tell us to build one another up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). It's fine to praise other people, but don't ever build your spouse up - especially if they happen to be around to hear it. If you want to build others up in front of your spouse, making extra note of their successes where your spouse might be struggling, that will really get the fire going. Make little jabs at them when you're both with a group of people. You can always use the whole, "I was just joking" line when they call you out on it. Don't let others develop their own perspective of your spouse. Do it for them all the while forgetting that the people we marry are a reflection of us and vice versa.
4. Just sweep everything under the rug and never communicate.
Feel and conceal. Don't get into deep discussions with your spouse. Just sweep everything under the rug and act like you're fine even though you're not. And if you can tell that they need to talk, avoid it as much as possible. Make sure all of your conversations are surface level. This should be easy with all of the distractions at your disposal. Should your spouse begin to engage you in a serious conversation that might require things such as change or an apology on your part, shut it down as quickly as you can by being dismissive or giving them the silent treatment. It might spur on a fight, but then you don't have to actually confront the issue at hand and can redirect their attention for a while. This will really put a damper on your intimacy, but you can throw the blame elsewhere. The less you pursue quality communication, the less successful your marriage will be.
5. Open the door as wide as you can for temptation to enter... and then act upon it.
Set zero boundaries. Or, if you've already set boundaries, break them. That vow you made to God? Well, I bet he understands that your spouse is such a nightmare of a person that you're forced to break it. Again, it's completely their fault. If your spouse starts saying things like, "I don't feel comfortable with you going out on business lunches alone with that super attractive person in your office," then just don't tell them about it. If they do happen to find out, try to make them feel guilty with the whole, "Why don't you trust me?" line. Make them feel like they're being absurd and unreasonable for being concerned about such things. Why do they need to know the password to your phone and computer anyway? You're your own person. Refuse to embrace the whole "two become one" command. Never share with them your struggles or how you're tempted. It's none of their business and they'll probably judge you for it. You can handle it on your own. Why follow the wisdom of God's words in Galatians 6 about sharing your burdens so they can help you? It's not your fault that your ex still has your phone number in their contacts. And who says you can't be friendly with people you dated or find good looking? What your spouse doesn't know won't hurt them. At least not until they eventually find out.
Marriage is one of God's greatest gifts and one of the enemy's biggest targets. And so if you're aiming for a God honoring, lasting marriage, then know that it will take work. That this list of 5 things comes easier than you might imagine, and that fighting them is vitally necessary for the success of your relationship. May we never assume we're immune. May we never live in the ignorance that this stuff only happens to "others," But may we fight every day, and do whatever it takes, to live in harmony until death do us part. Because your marriage, your spouse, is worth the effort. And so are you.
As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. - Ephesians 5:31-32
I don't think any of us get married and hope for the worst. I've yet to attend a wedding where the bride and the groom did not say vows that ended in " til death do us part." And yet the death of many marriages does not occur when one person passes away. How does one go from "I love you forever," to "I don't love you at all?" Well, it doesn't happen over night. It's a slippery slope that is easy to get on. So, if you're looking for ways to ruin your marriage, here are a few sure fire ways to get the ball rolling.
1. Don't ever apologize or take ownership for your actions.
Never say you're sorry. If you HAVE to apologize, then do it in a way that still puts it back on the other person. Make sure to keep in mind that it's their fault. If they weren't so _____ then you wouldn't have done what you did or said what you said. They made you do it. It's not your fault. You're always the victim, so don't ever take ownership for your actions. Blame them... all the time. Sure, it takes two to tango, but your spouse is different. They're conspiring against you and looking for ways to make you miserable. Here you are, the innocent one, having to endure it all. Never mind that you might actually have a thing or two that you need to fess up to and apologize for. Yeah, the Bible does say that we are supposed to confess our sins and pray for one another so that we can find healing (James 5:16), but that only works when you've done something wrong, and I'm sure you never done anything wrong.
2. Don't forgive and don't forget.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing, and why in the world would you ever want to free someone from the hurt they caused you? Jesus said we are to forgive 7 times 70 times (Matthew 18:22), but he doesn't have to live in our home. And so rather than forgive, keep score. Remember all the times that you've felt wronged by them. Hold it against them and when you get a chance, try to recall those moments as much as you can. Bring them up often in an attempt to really heap guilt on your spouse and use those situations as proof that they are a terrible person and you're better than them. If they happen to bring up something against you, turn it right back around on them. This is why you can't forget anything and let it go. You've got to have more stories so that you can always win. Or at least, from a fleshly perspective, you can feel like you're winning even though your marriage is failing.
3. Paint the other person in the worst possible light.
Vent. Get it all out. Tell all your family, friends, and co-workers how terrible your spouse is. If you want to call them names, that will work, but that might also shock the listeners a bit. To better accomplish this, do it in a story. You can even make it seem like a funny little joke, but don't worry, your words will paint the negative picture regardless. There are countless verses in the Bible that tell us to build one another up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). It's fine to praise other people, but don't ever build your spouse up - especially if they happen to be around to hear it. If you want to build others up in front of your spouse, making extra note of their successes where your spouse might be struggling, that will really get the fire going. Make little jabs at them when you're both with a group of people. You can always use the whole, "I was just joking" line when they call you out on it. Don't let others develop their own perspective of your spouse. Do it for them all the while forgetting that the people we marry are a reflection of us and vice versa.
4. Just sweep everything under the rug and never communicate.
Feel and conceal. Don't get into deep discussions with your spouse. Just sweep everything under the rug and act like you're fine even though you're not. And if you can tell that they need to talk, avoid it as much as possible. Make sure all of your conversations are surface level. This should be easy with all of the distractions at your disposal. Should your spouse begin to engage you in a serious conversation that might require things such as change or an apology on your part, shut it down as quickly as you can by being dismissive or giving them the silent treatment. It might spur on a fight, but then you don't have to actually confront the issue at hand and can redirect their attention for a while. This will really put a damper on your intimacy, but you can throw the blame elsewhere. The less you pursue quality communication, the less successful your marriage will be.
5. Open the door as wide as you can for temptation to enter... and then act upon it.
Set zero boundaries. Or, if you've already set boundaries, break them. That vow you made to God? Well, I bet he understands that your spouse is such a nightmare of a person that you're forced to break it. Again, it's completely their fault. If your spouse starts saying things like, "I don't feel comfortable with you going out on business lunches alone with that super attractive person in your office," then just don't tell them about it. If they do happen to find out, try to make them feel guilty with the whole, "Why don't you trust me?" line. Make them feel like they're being absurd and unreasonable for being concerned about such things. Why do they need to know the password to your phone and computer anyway? You're your own person. Refuse to embrace the whole "two become one" command. Never share with them your struggles or how you're tempted. It's none of their business and they'll probably judge you for it. You can handle it on your own. Why follow the wisdom of God's words in Galatians 6 about sharing your burdens so they can help you? It's not your fault that your ex still has your phone number in their contacts. And who says you can't be friendly with people you dated or find good looking? What your spouse doesn't know won't hurt them. At least not until they eventually find out.
Marriage is one of God's greatest gifts and one of the enemy's biggest targets. And so if you're aiming for a God honoring, lasting marriage, then know that it will take work. That this list of 5 things comes easier than you might imagine, and that fighting them is vitally necessary for the success of your relationship. May we never assume we're immune. May we never live in the ignorance that this stuff only happens to "others," But may we fight every day, and do whatever it takes, to live in harmony until death do us part. Because your marriage, your spouse, is worth the effort. And so are you.
As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. - Ephesians 5:31-32
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