when looks don't matter... but sometimes it feels like they do...
I sat on the couch Thursday night waiting for Aaron to get home from his business trip. He wouldn't be in until close to midnight, so I had some time to waste. I pulled up Facebook and began to look through old pictures. Facebook started right after I graduated high school. Originally, you had to have a college email address to have an account, so as soon as I received my official Texas Tech email account, I signed up for Facebook. The pictures began in the fall of 2006, when I was a sophomore in college, and for probably an hour, I relived the last decade of my life feeling as if those first few pictures were taken yesterday.
By the time I had finished my journey through Facebook, I felt terrible about myself. I looked at many of those pictures and I thought, "I'll never look like that again." I'm a few months shy of my thirtieth birthday, and that, coupled with having a baby five months ago, has certainly made me hyper-aware of my ever changing frame. I've always had body image issues. Is there a woman on planet Earth who hasn't? It started when I was young. As a little girl, I once asked my mom, "How come my legs spread out like that at the top when I sit down?" If you've got a sturdy set of thighs on you like I do, you know exactly what I was talking about. Those sturdy thighs grew through pregnancy, as did a few other parts (not the ones I was hoping would have, by the way), and the day after my c-section, as I caught a glimpse of my postpartum body in the mirror, I almost dropped my teeth. I told myself not to panic. I had literally JUST had a baby. Surely, in a few weeks, I'd be back to looking like my old self again.
But five months have come and gone and the old me has yet to make her appearance. I got so used to seeing myself with a baby bump that I was sure I could squeeze into my regular jeans around Christmas time. Imagine my great disappointment when those jeans slid comfortably up to the middle of my thighs and would go no more. I fought back the feelings of great discouragement, trying to be patient and graceful to my body that had been through a lot. And every day since the day I got my body back to myself, I look in the mirror and I think that although looks don't matter, sometimes it feels like they do.
Friday afternoon I headed to the store to pick up a few things for dinner. Annabeth and I sat down to have a quick lunch and a sweet gentleman walked over to our table and said, "I know I recognize you, but I just can't place where from." He taught my final accounting class my last semester in college. That was 9 years ago, and considering he's had hundreds of students over his tenure, I didn't expect him to remember me. I told him how we knew one another and he said, "That's right! Well, let me just say, you've certainly preserved yourself well." I wanted to stand up right there and hug his neck. He had no idea how much I needed to hear that. A timely word of kindness is certainly a gift!
I drove to Bible study this morning wearing the stretchy denim leggings that I've worn for months now, along with an oversized top, and I wondered if I'd ever fit into my old clothes again. Yet the more I thought about it, I began thanking God for the body I have. It's certainly not perfect, far from it, but it's got a lot going for it. I thanked Him for ears that can hear and eyes that can see. For a sound mind that can learn. For a healthy heart and fully functioning organs. I thanked Him for two legs that carry me around. For two arms, two hands, ten fingers, and ten toes. I thanked Him for a body that has lived almost 30 years. For a body that has grown a child. A body that keeps going. Keeps moving. Because the body I have now is not the one I will have in 10 years. And you know what, between now and then, I look forward to seeing what all He has in store for this body to accomplish.
"So refuse to worry, and keep your body healthy. But remember that youth, with a whole life before you, is meaningless." - Ecclesiastes 11:10
By the time I had finished my journey through Facebook, I felt terrible about myself. I looked at many of those pictures and I thought, "I'll never look like that again." I'm a few months shy of my thirtieth birthday, and that, coupled with having a baby five months ago, has certainly made me hyper-aware of my ever changing frame. I've always had body image issues. Is there a woman on planet Earth who hasn't? It started when I was young. As a little girl, I once asked my mom, "How come my legs spread out like that at the top when I sit down?" If you've got a sturdy set of thighs on you like I do, you know exactly what I was talking about. Those sturdy thighs grew through pregnancy, as did a few other parts (not the ones I was hoping would have, by the way), and the day after my c-section, as I caught a glimpse of my postpartum body in the mirror, I almost dropped my teeth. I told myself not to panic. I had literally JUST had a baby. Surely, in a few weeks, I'd be back to looking like my old self again.
But five months have come and gone and the old me has yet to make her appearance. I got so used to seeing myself with a baby bump that I was sure I could squeeze into my regular jeans around Christmas time. Imagine my great disappointment when those jeans slid comfortably up to the middle of my thighs and would go no more. I fought back the feelings of great discouragement, trying to be patient and graceful to my body that had been through a lot. And every day since the day I got my body back to myself, I look in the mirror and I think that although looks don't matter, sometimes it feels like they do.
Friday afternoon I headed to the store to pick up a few things for dinner. Annabeth and I sat down to have a quick lunch and a sweet gentleman walked over to our table and said, "I know I recognize you, but I just can't place where from." He taught my final accounting class my last semester in college. That was 9 years ago, and considering he's had hundreds of students over his tenure, I didn't expect him to remember me. I told him how we knew one another and he said, "That's right! Well, let me just say, you've certainly preserved yourself well." I wanted to stand up right there and hug his neck. He had no idea how much I needed to hear that. A timely word of kindness is certainly a gift!
I drove to Bible study this morning wearing the stretchy denim leggings that I've worn for months now, along with an oversized top, and I wondered if I'd ever fit into my old clothes again. Yet the more I thought about it, I began thanking God for the body I have. It's certainly not perfect, far from it, but it's got a lot going for it. I thanked Him for ears that can hear and eyes that can see. For a sound mind that can learn. For a healthy heart and fully functioning organs. I thanked Him for two legs that carry me around. For two arms, two hands, ten fingers, and ten toes. I thanked Him for a body that has lived almost 30 years. For a body that has grown a child. A body that keeps going. Keeps moving. Because the body I have now is not the one I will have in 10 years. And you know what, between now and then, I look forward to seeing what all He has in store for this body to accomplish.
"So refuse to worry, and keep your body healthy. But remember that youth, with a whole life before you, is meaningless." - Ecclesiastes 11:10
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