to the divorced and to the friends of...
May has been a celebratory month for love. For some, that is. Aaron and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary, the Royal Wedding took place, and my parents celebrated their 37th wedding anniversary. Two out of those three of those brides have something in common. Two out of three know the sting of divorce. But the truth is that divorce is becoming more and more prevalent each year. It's so common that it's not even a surprise anymore. I don't know how Meghan Markle felt on her wedding day, but I know mine was a day of extreme thankfulness and joy. A day I really didn't expect to come after what I had been through and the label I bore. But it was a day when God, once again, showed me the beauty and power of His redemptive love and as long as I live, it will be something I talk about.
If you've followed my blog for any length of time then you know I believe marriage is a sacred covenant established by God between and man and woman. I believe what the Bible says and hold fast to it. And so I've never believed that God approves of divorce. I don't believe He desires it, and especially in a marriage made up of two believers. Because marriage is a direct reflection of Christ and the church and divorce distorts that image. And so you can imagine how conflicted I felt going through one myself. It was something I never wanted and it is something I never want to experience again. Divorce stems from the root of selfishness and disobedience. Sin. In his devotional book titled New Morning Mercies, Paul David Tripp gave a great description of sin saying, "The grand delusion of every act of sin is that we can be disloyal to God and everything will work out in the end." But through the cross, Jesus defeated sin so that we are covered in God's grace if we choose to repent and accept Him as our Savior. If you are divorced, or if your friend is, then this is an important fact to remember. God's grace is bigger than any heartache or man-made mess we may find ourselves in.
So if you have a friend going through a divorce, or one who has gone through it, you may be wondering how you can encourage and love on that person. What do you say? What do you do? Well, maybe these few tips can help you and your friend navigate through the rough waters of divorce.
1. Saying things like, "well, you're better off without them anyway," or "you're too good for them," or "there will be someone better for you, " is not helpful.
Those statements may be 100% true but it doesn't feel that way to your friend who has experienced one of the greatest forms of rejection. In these moments, less is more. So saying things like, "I am so sorry," or, "I love you and am praying for you," or just following the example of Job's friends and grieving with your friend will be much more helpful and encouraging. The truth is, nothing you say will take the pain away and make them feel better. That takes time. And it takes prayer. And it takes God. You could always send your friend a Bible verse. I received many verses along the way from friends and family that encouraged my heart greatly. The Bible is full of good words, so it's okay to borrow a few.
2. Do not try to sympathize by sharing your story of a breakup.
We've all experienced rejection and heartbreak in some form or fashion but breaking up with, or being dumped by, a boyfriend is not the same as being left by your spouse. Not even kind of. It's okay if you don't understand what it feels like. Be thankful for that! If you happen to know of someone who has been through a similar situation as your friend then connect those two people. And listen, don't be upset if your friend tends to share more or seek advice from the person whose been there. You aren't being replaced, however, it is easier to talk to someone who absolutely understands the thoughts, feelings, and emotions they're experiencing. And honestly, it's comforting to talk with someone who has walked that road because you know that they have no judgement in their heart - just sympathy. I had a difficult time finding others who were willing to openly share with me during that season, but simply knowing they had walked that road and come out on the other side filled me with hope.
3. Don't be awkward or nosey.
If you feel awkward around your friend, you can believe that your feelings pale in comparison to hers. She feels the most awkward - all the time. I prayed for months on end that the Lord would not let me see anyone I knew from my past that wasn't up to date with my situation. He was completely gracious to answer that request. But it didn't stay like that forever, especially with the rise of social media. And so don't be awkward around your friend. Treat her the way you always have. She's still the same person. And if you aren't a close friend but have heard things through the grapevine, then don't be awkward when and if you happen to cross paths. Again, less is more. Speaking from experience, when I ran into old friends from high school or college, I literally wanted to melt into the floor. I'm not Shelby Woo (you know who I'm talking about if you watched Nickelodeon as a kid), so I had to face them. I was overly thankful for the ones who gave me the quick, generic greeting. I was also thankful for those who didn't bombard me with questions. Your friend will tell you what she wants you to know. And, honestly, it's none of your business anyway. I am a detail loving person as well, but she'll share if and when she is ready.
4. Maintain the relationship you had with them before their divorce took place.
If your best friend is divorced, keep being her best friend. You may thinks it's strange because you're still married and she's not, but she is fully aware of your marital status. You can be friends regardless. Now, she might not feel like being the third wheel on a Saturday night, but you can be her friend. And if she was a friend from college that you haven't talked to in 10 years, don't pretend to be her best friend now. Divorce made very clear who my "through thick and thin" friends were. I had close friends that quit talking to me, and I had sweet friends who really stepped up. I also had friends from college that contacted me out of the blue to see what was going on. I would advise you, if you're simply an acquaintance, to follow the advice above should you choose to reach out to your friend.
But if you're the "friend," the one who is divorced, I have a few words for you, too.
1. You haven't mess up God's plan for your life.
I felt so burdened with the thought that my choices had messed up God's plan for my life. I truly believed I had ruined everything! All my hopes and dreams were smashed and they would stay that way because I had been too prideful and fearful to trust in God's timing. But Proverbs 19:21 says, "You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." Amen! This is truth! God's will is going to prevail. You are not crafty or ignorant or stubborn enough to mess up God's plans for your life. He will direct your steps, but you've got to keep your eyes on him so you know which direction to go. I look back on my life and see how I stepped off the path to follow my own plans, but God was faithful to get me right where I needed to be. I just had to take the long way around. Kind of like Israel in the desert. He will guide you to the Promised Land, and it will be a hard and incredible journey!
2. God will absolutely heal your heart if you'll allow Him.
Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." God desires to heal broken hearts, and he is the only one who can do it. But you have to want it. You have to allow him to do that for you. And the healing process can be painful because as God begins to piece your heart back together, he begins to teach you things about yourself. Things that you need to let go of. Things that you need to change. Things that you've got to truly surrender and lay down. And one of the biggest steps in healing is forgiveness. Easy to preach, incredibly hard to do. But we are required, as followers of Christ, to forgive just as we've been forgiven. God will help you do this. Out of His glorious riches, He will provide every thing you need to be able to truly forgive. Does that mean you'll forget? No. I once heard that you'll know you've fully forgiven when you can talk about, or think about, what you've been through without crying. Forgiveness will take a great burden off of your heart. You will certainly have scars, but that's all they'll be. And the truth is, not a single one of us will make it through this life without a scar or two to show for it. In fact, Jesus himself bore scars of hurt and betrayal on his hands, however, they testified to the amazing, healing power of God. Yours will, too!
3. It doesn't matter what other people think. What's done is done. You've got to move on.
Many months after the divorce was finalized, I came across a little sign that read, "No matter your past, you have a spotless future." I bought it and placed it in my living room as a reminder that I still had a great future ahead of me. You can spend way too much time living in the past and asking "what if" questions, but what's done is done. The best thing to do is learn and grow and move on. Your lot in life should never define you. It doesn't have to be a scarlet letter around your neck although it feels that way quite often. Instead, you've got to make up your mind that you'll come through this a better person, not a bitter person. One of the biggest challenges I faced was caring what others thought of me. So right here, right now, I am giving you permission to not care. Who cares what they think? People will make their own assumptions no matter what. We all do. But truth will come to the surface. This season of hardship will shine a beacon of light on your character and others will see what you're really made of.
Those around you might not only have thoughts about your failed marriage, but they'll also have thoughts about when and if you should ever enter into another relationship again. I very much felt unworthy to be remarried. I absolutely desired to be married, but I thought I didn't deserve another chance. I also didn't feel like I should even pray about it, and I didn't figure anyone would want me anyway. Strangely enough one of the pastors in my church asked me if I was considering dating again. I was shocked and told him not really. He said, "Don't let other people determine that for you. If you feel like God has given you a desire for marriage, then you listen to God." There is no timeline for these things. God has a bigger plan than you have for yourself, trust me! Whether it be the opportunity to remarry, or whether it be staying single, God has great things in store for you.
4. God is the creator of new things.
I truly felt like I had lost years of my life. Many of the good years, too. Of course, I didn't know what God had in store for me so there was definitely some fear. Fear of unrealized dreams, mostly. It is scary to start your life over whether its been two or twenty years. But God is not only a creator of new things, He is also a restorer.
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten - You will have plenty to eat, until you are full and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be ashamed!" Joel 2:26-56
Can I get an amen?! Every desire that I had, God has restored and done even more than I imagined. We may waste time, or even feel like we're losing it, but our timeline is irrelevant to God. He will restore, he will renew, and he will do a new work in your life.
"Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19
I know it feels like a desert. A hot, dry, ugly, dead desert. But God can work miracles in any way he wants. He can split a sea, dry up a river bed, or make water pour from a rock. He will bring refreshment your way. He will do a new thing. An unimaginable thing. An impossible thing. You can surely believe that!
If you've followed my blog for any length of time then you know I believe marriage is a sacred covenant established by God between and man and woman. I believe what the Bible says and hold fast to it. And so I've never believed that God approves of divorce. I don't believe He desires it, and especially in a marriage made up of two believers. Because marriage is a direct reflection of Christ and the church and divorce distorts that image. And so you can imagine how conflicted I felt going through one myself. It was something I never wanted and it is something I never want to experience again. Divorce stems from the root of selfishness and disobedience. Sin. In his devotional book titled New Morning Mercies, Paul David Tripp gave a great description of sin saying, "The grand delusion of every act of sin is that we can be disloyal to God and everything will work out in the end." But through the cross, Jesus defeated sin so that we are covered in God's grace if we choose to repent and accept Him as our Savior. If you are divorced, or if your friend is, then this is an important fact to remember. God's grace is bigger than any heartache or man-made mess we may find ourselves in.
So if you have a friend going through a divorce, or one who has gone through it, you may be wondering how you can encourage and love on that person. What do you say? What do you do? Well, maybe these few tips can help you and your friend navigate through the rough waters of divorce.
1. Saying things like, "well, you're better off without them anyway," or "you're too good for them," or "there will be someone better for you, " is not helpful.
Those statements may be 100% true but it doesn't feel that way to your friend who has experienced one of the greatest forms of rejection. In these moments, less is more. So saying things like, "I am so sorry," or, "I love you and am praying for you," or just following the example of Job's friends and grieving with your friend will be much more helpful and encouraging. The truth is, nothing you say will take the pain away and make them feel better. That takes time. And it takes prayer. And it takes God. You could always send your friend a Bible verse. I received many verses along the way from friends and family that encouraged my heart greatly. The Bible is full of good words, so it's okay to borrow a few.
2. Do not try to sympathize by sharing your story of a breakup.
We've all experienced rejection and heartbreak in some form or fashion but breaking up with, or being dumped by, a boyfriend is not the same as being left by your spouse. Not even kind of. It's okay if you don't understand what it feels like. Be thankful for that! If you happen to know of someone who has been through a similar situation as your friend then connect those two people. And listen, don't be upset if your friend tends to share more or seek advice from the person whose been there. You aren't being replaced, however, it is easier to talk to someone who absolutely understands the thoughts, feelings, and emotions they're experiencing. And honestly, it's comforting to talk with someone who has walked that road because you know that they have no judgement in their heart - just sympathy. I had a difficult time finding others who were willing to openly share with me during that season, but simply knowing they had walked that road and come out on the other side filled me with hope.
3. Don't be awkward or nosey.
If you feel awkward around your friend, you can believe that your feelings pale in comparison to hers. She feels the most awkward - all the time. I prayed for months on end that the Lord would not let me see anyone I knew from my past that wasn't up to date with my situation. He was completely gracious to answer that request. But it didn't stay like that forever, especially with the rise of social media. And so don't be awkward around your friend. Treat her the way you always have. She's still the same person. And if you aren't a close friend but have heard things through the grapevine, then don't be awkward when and if you happen to cross paths. Again, less is more. Speaking from experience, when I ran into old friends from high school or college, I literally wanted to melt into the floor. I'm not Shelby Woo (you know who I'm talking about if you watched Nickelodeon as a kid), so I had to face them. I was overly thankful for the ones who gave me the quick, generic greeting. I was also thankful for those who didn't bombard me with questions. Your friend will tell you what she wants you to know. And, honestly, it's none of your business anyway. I am a detail loving person as well, but she'll share if and when she is ready.
4. Maintain the relationship you had with them before their divorce took place.
If your best friend is divorced, keep being her best friend. You may thinks it's strange because you're still married and she's not, but she is fully aware of your marital status. You can be friends regardless. Now, she might not feel like being the third wheel on a Saturday night, but you can be her friend. And if she was a friend from college that you haven't talked to in 10 years, don't pretend to be her best friend now. Divorce made very clear who my "through thick and thin" friends were. I had close friends that quit talking to me, and I had sweet friends who really stepped up. I also had friends from college that contacted me out of the blue to see what was going on. I would advise you, if you're simply an acquaintance, to follow the advice above should you choose to reach out to your friend.
But if you're the "friend," the one who is divorced, I have a few words for you, too.
1. You haven't mess up God's plan for your life.
I felt so burdened with the thought that my choices had messed up God's plan for my life. I truly believed I had ruined everything! All my hopes and dreams were smashed and they would stay that way because I had been too prideful and fearful to trust in God's timing. But Proverbs 19:21 says, "You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." Amen! This is truth! God's will is going to prevail. You are not crafty or ignorant or stubborn enough to mess up God's plans for your life. He will direct your steps, but you've got to keep your eyes on him so you know which direction to go. I look back on my life and see how I stepped off the path to follow my own plans, but God was faithful to get me right where I needed to be. I just had to take the long way around. Kind of like Israel in the desert. He will guide you to the Promised Land, and it will be a hard and incredible journey!
2. God will absolutely heal your heart if you'll allow Him.
Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." God desires to heal broken hearts, and he is the only one who can do it. But you have to want it. You have to allow him to do that for you. And the healing process can be painful because as God begins to piece your heart back together, he begins to teach you things about yourself. Things that you need to let go of. Things that you need to change. Things that you've got to truly surrender and lay down. And one of the biggest steps in healing is forgiveness. Easy to preach, incredibly hard to do. But we are required, as followers of Christ, to forgive just as we've been forgiven. God will help you do this. Out of His glorious riches, He will provide every thing you need to be able to truly forgive. Does that mean you'll forget? No. I once heard that you'll know you've fully forgiven when you can talk about, or think about, what you've been through without crying. Forgiveness will take a great burden off of your heart. You will certainly have scars, but that's all they'll be. And the truth is, not a single one of us will make it through this life without a scar or two to show for it. In fact, Jesus himself bore scars of hurt and betrayal on his hands, however, they testified to the amazing, healing power of God. Yours will, too!
3. It doesn't matter what other people think. What's done is done. You've got to move on.
Many months after the divorce was finalized, I came across a little sign that read, "No matter your past, you have a spotless future." I bought it and placed it in my living room as a reminder that I still had a great future ahead of me. You can spend way too much time living in the past and asking "what if" questions, but what's done is done. The best thing to do is learn and grow and move on. Your lot in life should never define you. It doesn't have to be a scarlet letter around your neck although it feels that way quite often. Instead, you've got to make up your mind that you'll come through this a better person, not a bitter person. One of the biggest challenges I faced was caring what others thought of me. So right here, right now, I am giving you permission to not care. Who cares what they think? People will make their own assumptions no matter what. We all do. But truth will come to the surface. This season of hardship will shine a beacon of light on your character and others will see what you're really made of.
Those around you might not only have thoughts about your failed marriage, but they'll also have thoughts about when and if you should ever enter into another relationship again. I very much felt unworthy to be remarried. I absolutely desired to be married, but I thought I didn't deserve another chance. I also didn't feel like I should even pray about it, and I didn't figure anyone would want me anyway. Strangely enough one of the pastors in my church asked me if I was considering dating again. I was shocked and told him not really. He said, "Don't let other people determine that for you. If you feel like God has given you a desire for marriage, then you listen to God." There is no timeline for these things. God has a bigger plan than you have for yourself, trust me! Whether it be the opportunity to remarry, or whether it be staying single, God has great things in store for you.
4. God is the creator of new things.
I truly felt like I had lost years of my life. Many of the good years, too. Of course, I didn't know what God had in store for me so there was definitely some fear. Fear of unrealized dreams, mostly. It is scary to start your life over whether its been two or twenty years. But God is not only a creator of new things, He is also a restorer.
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten - You will have plenty to eat, until you are full and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be ashamed!" Joel 2:26-56
Can I get an amen?! Every desire that I had, God has restored and done even more than I imagined. We may waste time, or even feel like we're losing it, but our timeline is irrelevant to God. He will restore, he will renew, and he will do a new work in your life.
"Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19
I know it feels like a desert. A hot, dry, ugly, dead desert. But God can work miracles in any way he wants. He can split a sea, dry up a river bed, or make water pour from a rock. He will bring refreshment your way. He will do a new thing. An unimaginable thing. An impossible thing. You can surely believe that!
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