Reason #534
Tonight I was going to write a really sweet little post about taking dance lessons as a child, but I am changing my mind and will share that one later. I'm not going to take the easy road because that's not really what is on my mind tonight. No, I'm going to be honest with you once again and I'm going to share what God is teaching me. And so this is a really tough post for me to write because it's very internally reflective and vulnerable. I have to admit some things about myself that I don't really want to and, once again, show my imperfections. I suppose by now you know I'm not perfect, but I never really like revealing how imperfect I truly am. And so maybe you can identify with me tonight. Maybe you understand where I am coming from.
Before Aaron and I got married, someone shared with him a comparison of marriage to the cycle of life. He told Aaron that as we were engaged, we were basically equivalent to a baby in the womb. We knew we were going to get married in May, just as a baby's delivery date is scheduled, but that's really all we knew. We could prepare and plan, but until it happened we couldn't really do a whole lot. And on May 10th, we would be "born" into the world of marriage. He told Aaron that the first few years would be similar to that of a baby's life. We'd basically cry and act off of our instincts as we slowly grow and develop as a couple. And maybe around year 5, we'd finally have a good communication pattern developed and be able to better express ourselves and understand one another. And the cycle of marriage would continue like the cycle of life. We'd never stop growing, never stop learning, it'd just get easier the longer we are together.
Well, friends, I'll just say that some days I'm like that one month baby and all I do is cry. Who knows why I'm crying. I'm just trying to figure this out. We are new to this life of Mr. & Mrs. Davis, and although we both strive for success and hate dissention, it happens. And I've had to face the fact that some days I just really struggle with the ability to be a good wife. Some days, I fail. Some days, I'm just simply selfish and independent and difficult to deal with. I don't have a baby, but I know how frustrating it is when they cry and you have no clue how to make it stop. Do I feed it, change it, bounce it, give it a pacifier, make strange faces at it? And this is how we feel sometimes. And I've realized over the weekend at how I've not done a really good job of submitting and becoming one. Because truth be told, that's not a natural inclination of mine. I don't know of anyone who's just super at it right off the bat, but it's hard to give up the person you've been for 25 years and be known as someone else. All of the sudden, you're not the leader of your life anymore but rather you are supposed to trust this person to provide, protect, and lead you. In the grand scheme of things, you hardly know this person. You are at the point where you are getting to really know them now that you actually do spend all of your time together and share everything you have.
Well, one of the things I love about Aaron is that he is always willing to talk. I'm going to just brag on him and say that he is never afraid to have a difficult or deep conversation, and he never checks out of them. He is willing to talk everything out no matter how long it takes or how many discussions we need to have, and he always asks me to be honest with him. There is a side of me that is afraid of being honest about my feelings and of saying the wrong thing. I try so hard to be cautious with my words because I know how damaging one negative comment can be. And so I struggle with sharing things sometimes because I'm afraid of what might happen or how it may be perceived, and most of all, I don't want to have a finger pointing back at me reminding me of my faults and failures. And this right here is where newlyweds have the hardest struggle if you ask me. Because it's so easy for one conversation to bring up too many things that aren't even relative and the next thing you know, you're just saying mean things to try and make the other person out to be the bad guy. Well, I finally shared with Aaron this afternoon how I was feeling. I was honest and told him that sometimes I really struggle with the fact that in a way, I'm no longer who I am. Because I desire to be the kind of wife scripture calls me to be, to truly be a help-mate, and part of that means dying that to section of myself that really wants to be in charge. That section that is independent and self-sufficient. That section that wants equality in everything and to always have a say. I don't try to intentionally do these things, but it's amazing how easily I do. And I told him that many times I feel like I just have to take a back seat and be a cheerleader. In fact, I even traded in my name, too, and while that's a joyous thing, that was yet another part of my identity I gave up. But most of all, I shared that I am really having a hard time giving up some of these traits of independence and self-sufficiency and leadership just in case. Because it's better to have them if a situation arises and you need them than to not, right? Aaron listened and he shared some and then he said, "you do realize that 'just in case' means that I would have to die."
Being a wife is tough sometimes. By no means does Aaron make it hard, being covered in flesh does. Yet the longer I get the opportunity to be a wife, the more I understand both Jesus and God. Not that I am comparing us to either, but marriage is a reflection of that relationship. Because Jesus died again and again to His own desires in submission to God. Not because Jesus was weak and inferior and incapable, but because He loved God. And He knew God loved Him and so He trusted Him with His entire being, even to the cross and ultimately to death. And I realize how difficult it is to lay your entire life into someone else's hands, and it's especially harder for some more than others. To trust them to look out for your well being, to be your provider and protector, to lead you in the right direction, and to keep on doing it for as long as you both shall live. It's not an easy task on either end. Yet that's what God calls us to do. Because at the end of the day, it's not about us. And at the end of the day, it's not about me. It's not about what I can do and what Aaron can do, it's about what we can do together. And the same goes with God. It's about working with Him, not against Him. It's about realizing that there's a reason He set things up this way, even if we don't particularly understand it, and it works if we just do it. No one ever said it was easy or effortless, but the work is worth the reward in the end. And like Aaron said, if I'm going to go through these difficulties with anyone, I'm glad that it's you. I'm glad, for me, that it's him, too.
So I have a lot to learn. I have a lot to figure out and change, too. But my heart is at peace knowing that I've got the time to do so because I didn't marry a man who operates off of a 'just in case' mentality like a majority of the world. Praise God that I married one who literally meant til death do us part, and Lord willing, that will be a good 60 or so years from now. I think I may just be close to having it down by then! Thankfully, we serve a God who is willing to keep teaching us and I am doing my best to be willing to learn.
#534 - Because I don't have to worry about 'just in case.'
"As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." - Ephesians 5:31-32
Before Aaron and I got married, someone shared with him a comparison of marriage to the cycle of life. He told Aaron that as we were engaged, we were basically equivalent to a baby in the womb. We knew we were going to get married in May, just as a baby's delivery date is scheduled, but that's really all we knew. We could prepare and plan, but until it happened we couldn't really do a whole lot. And on May 10th, we would be "born" into the world of marriage. He told Aaron that the first few years would be similar to that of a baby's life. We'd basically cry and act off of our instincts as we slowly grow and develop as a couple. And maybe around year 5, we'd finally have a good communication pattern developed and be able to better express ourselves and understand one another. And the cycle of marriage would continue like the cycle of life. We'd never stop growing, never stop learning, it'd just get easier the longer we are together.
Well, friends, I'll just say that some days I'm like that one month baby and all I do is cry. Who knows why I'm crying. I'm just trying to figure this out. We are new to this life of Mr. & Mrs. Davis, and although we both strive for success and hate dissention, it happens. And I've had to face the fact that some days I just really struggle with the ability to be a good wife. Some days, I fail. Some days, I'm just simply selfish and independent and difficult to deal with. I don't have a baby, but I know how frustrating it is when they cry and you have no clue how to make it stop. Do I feed it, change it, bounce it, give it a pacifier, make strange faces at it? And this is how we feel sometimes. And I've realized over the weekend at how I've not done a really good job of submitting and becoming one. Because truth be told, that's not a natural inclination of mine. I don't know of anyone who's just super at it right off the bat, but it's hard to give up the person you've been for 25 years and be known as someone else. All of the sudden, you're not the leader of your life anymore but rather you are supposed to trust this person to provide, protect, and lead you. In the grand scheme of things, you hardly know this person. You are at the point where you are getting to really know them now that you actually do spend all of your time together and share everything you have.
Well, one of the things I love about Aaron is that he is always willing to talk. I'm going to just brag on him and say that he is never afraid to have a difficult or deep conversation, and he never checks out of them. He is willing to talk everything out no matter how long it takes or how many discussions we need to have, and he always asks me to be honest with him. There is a side of me that is afraid of being honest about my feelings and of saying the wrong thing. I try so hard to be cautious with my words because I know how damaging one negative comment can be. And so I struggle with sharing things sometimes because I'm afraid of what might happen or how it may be perceived, and most of all, I don't want to have a finger pointing back at me reminding me of my faults and failures. And this right here is where newlyweds have the hardest struggle if you ask me. Because it's so easy for one conversation to bring up too many things that aren't even relative and the next thing you know, you're just saying mean things to try and make the other person out to be the bad guy. Well, I finally shared with Aaron this afternoon how I was feeling. I was honest and told him that sometimes I really struggle with the fact that in a way, I'm no longer who I am. Because I desire to be the kind of wife scripture calls me to be, to truly be a help-mate, and part of that means dying that to section of myself that really wants to be in charge. That section that is independent and self-sufficient. That section that wants equality in everything and to always have a say. I don't try to intentionally do these things, but it's amazing how easily I do. And I told him that many times I feel like I just have to take a back seat and be a cheerleader. In fact, I even traded in my name, too, and while that's a joyous thing, that was yet another part of my identity I gave up. But most of all, I shared that I am really having a hard time giving up some of these traits of independence and self-sufficiency and leadership just in case. Because it's better to have them if a situation arises and you need them than to not, right? Aaron listened and he shared some and then he said, "you do realize that 'just in case' means that I would have to die."
Being a wife is tough sometimes. By no means does Aaron make it hard, being covered in flesh does. Yet the longer I get the opportunity to be a wife, the more I understand both Jesus and God. Not that I am comparing us to either, but marriage is a reflection of that relationship. Because Jesus died again and again to His own desires in submission to God. Not because Jesus was weak and inferior and incapable, but because He loved God. And He knew God loved Him and so He trusted Him with His entire being, even to the cross and ultimately to death. And I realize how difficult it is to lay your entire life into someone else's hands, and it's especially harder for some more than others. To trust them to look out for your well being, to be your provider and protector, to lead you in the right direction, and to keep on doing it for as long as you both shall live. It's not an easy task on either end. Yet that's what God calls us to do. Because at the end of the day, it's not about us. And at the end of the day, it's not about me. It's not about what I can do and what Aaron can do, it's about what we can do together. And the same goes with God. It's about working with Him, not against Him. It's about realizing that there's a reason He set things up this way, even if we don't particularly understand it, and it works if we just do it. No one ever said it was easy or effortless, but the work is worth the reward in the end. And like Aaron said, if I'm going to go through these difficulties with anyone, I'm glad that it's you. I'm glad, for me, that it's him, too.
So I have a lot to learn. I have a lot to figure out and change, too. But my heart is at peace knowing that I've got the time to do so because I didn't marry a man who operates off of a 'just in case' mentality like a majority of the world. Praise God that I married one who literally meant til death do us part, and Lord willing, that will be a good 60 or so years from now. I think I may just be close to having it down by then! Thankfully, we serve a God who is willing to keep teaching us and I am doing my best to be willing to learn.
#534 - Because I don't have to worry about 'just in case.'
"As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." - Ephesians 5:31-32
Oh sweet friend, how I wish I still lived in Lubbock. I could write you a novel or talk for hours in response to this post! This is the most challenging portion of marriage for me as well, but I will say it has gotten a little easier with time. And, I've gotten better at discerning when Chad needs my submission, and when I can calmly put in my two cents. I've got examples, but they're too long to type! Chad has often said that it's a lot of pressure to lead 2 people and be responsible for the wellbeing of 2 people now... and at times, I'm glad I'm not in his shoes! Aaron is a wonderful man! He's got a heart of gold, and will always be putting you first - that fact right there makes being more dependent on him easier!
ReplyDeletePS - the way of the world and flesh is the exact opposite. I now work in an office without any other believers, and have already been asked what makes me allow my husband to lead the relationship. My boss's exact words were "that blows my mind - my marriage is so different".
Love you! Miss you!
Lauren