Reason #546
Every day I come home and I recount my entire day to Aaron. I tell him what I ate for lunch, I share interesting stories about the people I interacted with, and I recap by letting him know how it all made me feel. Today was one of those days where I came home and talked for a half hour before even taking a breath. I had a lot to share. It's Friday. Thank goodness. Fridays, Mondays, the 1st of the month, the first Friday of the month, the 15th, the 30th, and the last Friday of the month are always crazy busy. But this week the Lord has been teaching me great things. By great, I mean big. And this week, in some ways, has been exactly what I needed.
They say you never forget your first love. In this sense, I'll say my first "job" love. My first job was at a bank, and I instantly fell in love with it. I went through the training program and I told my mom that I wished I could have the job of a trainer. Truth be told, banking jobs in Lubbock are super hard to come by and training jobs are near impossible. And after two years of working a job that made me miserable, I finally landed my dream job. I got to work at a bank AND train. Two things I loved. And I finally had the opportunity to exercise some of my talents. To top it off, I worked for an incredible company and had the best co-workers anyone could ever have. And, as you all know, two years into it the relationship was severed. I stayed around for as long as I could stand, and then I had to move on. Change was happening and it was either there or somewhere else. And so I said goodbye with a really heavy heart for what was. A heavy heart because I didn't want to leave my co-workers or the comfort of my little office. A heavy heart because I was having to give up something I really, really loved.
I've been really struggling with this area of my life for a while now. I've had a lot of days where I've mourned what used to be and what no longer is. And part of the problem is that I am having a hard time forgetting what no longer is and moving past it. I keep holding on because it was what I loved. It was where I felt I truly belonged, and it was what I really enjoyed. And so for many months now, I've had a hard time finding joy and encouragement in my working life. I work in a great place and I have nice co-workers, but I miss getting to do what I love. I miss getting to do what I felt I was good at, my calling. I miss getting to use my talents and skills, and I miss being really proud of what I was accomplishing.
It's hard to be the low man on the totem pole. If you've ever started a new job, you know this. Even if you come in with a little experience under your belt, you're still at the bottom. Well, most of us, anyway. And I have felt that way for a while. I just felt like I was at the bottom of the barrel and there was not enough monkeys to pull me out. Discouraged, defeated, and at an all time low. Feeling forgotten and overlooked, I saw my hopes of ever getting to where I'd like to be fading away. And by the middle of last week, I was to the end of my rope. I began to rehearse a little dialogue in my head, and I felt like it was time for me to take some action if I was going to get anywhere. I told myself that I just needed to be honest and that it was okay to do that. The next opportunity I had, I was going to be brave and share how I felt (which I hardly ever do unless I'm related to the listener). But that afternoon, a strange thing happened. One of those "forgotten" things was brought up to me by surprise, and I couldn't believe it. I had been waiting for this to happen for a few months now, and it finally was. And I felt encouraged for the first time in quite sometime. Even though it seemed like a small step, to me, it was a big deal. Just what I needed to give me a bit of hope to hang on to.
I thought about this and I realized how God so often allows us to get to the end of ropes to open our eyes and see that we are really so useless without Him. That no matter how hard we may try to be the best, or we might even think we are, we need His help. I heard the other day that God promotes us when He is ready. He is the one who charts our course, and if we are being obedient to Him, He will move us when the time is right. Usually, I find that I'm ready quite a bit of time before I'm moved, but God knows when it needs to happen and He always comes through and delivers on time. This was a small victory for me. A little step, but a little step in the right direction. And this week has been the week I've needed. It has been crazy and hectic, and I have hardly had a moment of down time, but I've really enjoyed it. This week, I've felt needed, I've felt useful, and I've felt like I really mattered.
I don't know where I'll end up. I know what I love and I know what I'd love to do, but I don't know where I'll go from here. Yet I am reminded that it is God who will honor our work. God will get us to the place we need to be. And maybe we just don't understand some of the stepping stones along the way, but I know God uses each one to prepare us for whatever it is He desires for us to do. And so, right now, I'm just trusting that. Trusting that God would bless the door that was opened, even if it looks different that I had imagined. That He would remind me to wait on Him because He has a plan for my life that will only get accomplished one step at a time. But until I know what that is, I praise Him for the little victories along the way. The little doses of encouragement and the little glimmers of hope. And I thank Him that He always finds a way to meet the needs of this desperate heart at the perfect time.
#546 - For little doses of encouragement and glimmers of hope along the way.
"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope." - Psalm 119:49
They say you never forget your first love. In this sense, I'll say my first "job" love. My first job was at a bank, and I instantly fell in love with it. I went through the training program and I told my mom that I wished I could have the job of a trainer. Truth be told, banking jobs in Lubbock are super hard to come by and training jobs are near impossible. And after two years of working a job that made me miserable, I finally landed my dream job. I got to work at a bank AND train. Two things I loved. And I finally had the opportunity to exercise some of my talents. To top it off, I worked for an incredible company and had the best co-workers anyone could ever have. And, as you all know, two years into it the relationship was severed. I stayed around for as long as I could stand, and then I had to move on. Change was happening and it was either there or somewhere else. And so I said goodbye with a really heavy heart for what was. A heavy heart because I didn't want to leave my co-workers or the comfort of my little office. A heavy heart because I was having to give up something I really, really loved.
I've been really struggling with this area of my life for a while now. I've had a lot of days where I've mourned what used to be and what no longer is. And part of the problem is that I am having a hard time forgetting what no longer is and moving past it. I keep holding on because it was what I loved. It was where I felt I truly belonged, and it was what I really enjoyed. And so for many months now, I've had a hard time finding joy and encouragement in my working life. I work in a great place and I have nice co-workers, but I miss getting to do what I love. I miss getting to do what I felt I was good at, my calling. I miss getting to use my talents and skills, and I miss being really proud of what I was accomplishing.
It's hard to be the low man on the totem pole. If you've ever started a new job, you know this. Even if you come in with a little experience under your belt, you're still at the bottom. Well, most of us, anyway. And I have felt that way for a while. I just felt like I was at the bottom of the barrel and there was not enough monkeys to pull me out. Discouraged, defeated, and at an all time low. Feeling forgotten and overlooked, I saw my hopes of ever getting to where I'd like to be fading away. And by the middle of last week, I was to the end of my rope. I began to rehearse a little dialogue in my head, and I felt like it was time for me to take some action if I was going to get anywhere. I told myself that I just needed to be honest and that it was okay to do that. The next opportunity I had, I was going to be brave and share how I felt (which I hardly ever do unless I'm related to the listener). But that afternoon, a strange thing happened. One of those "forgotten" things was brought up to me by surprise, and I couldn't believe it. I had been waiting for this to happen for a few months now, and it finally was. And I felt encouraged for the first time in quite sometime. Even though it seemed like a small step, to me, it was a big deal. Just what I needed to give me a bit of hope to hang on to.
I thought about this and I realized how God so often allows us to get to the end of ropes to open our eyes and see that we are really so useless without Him. That no matter how hard we may try to be the best, or we might even think we are, we need His help. I heard the other day that God promotes us when He is ready. He is the one who charts our course, and if we are being obedient to Him, He will move us when the time is right. Usually, I find that I'm ready quite a bit of time before I'm moved, but God knows when it needs to happen and He always comes through and delivers on time. This was a small victory for me. A little step, but a little step in the right direction. And this week has been the week I've needed. It has been crazy and hectic, and I have hardly had a moment of down time, but I've really enjoyed it. This week, I've felt needed, I've felt useful, and I've felt like I really mattered.
I don't know where I'll end up. I know what I love and I know what I'd love to do, but I don't know where I'll go from here. Yet I am reminded that it is God who will honor our work. God will get us to the place we need to be. And maybe we just don't understand some of the stepping stones along the way, but I know God uses each one to prepare us for whatever it is He desires for us to do. And so, right now, I'm just trusting that. Trusting that God would bless the door that was opened, even if it looks different that I had imagined. That He would remind me to wait on Him because He has a plan for my life that will only get accomplished one step at a time. But until I know what that is, I praise Him for the little victories along the way. The little doses of encouragement and the little glimmers of hope. And I thank Him that He always finds a way to meet the needs of this desperate heart at the perfect time.
#546 - For little doses of encouragement and glimmers of hope along the way.
"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope." - Psalm 119:49
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