Reason #904

Not all, but most of my Facebook friends are moms. My newsfeed is bombarded with pictures of kids and articles about parenting.  I realize, like most things, parenting happens when the baby comes because you have no idea what you’re getting. You can prepare and read every article under the sun, but living it out is where you really learn. And so I get sucked into reading these articles mostly because I find them entertaining. I love reading hilarious stories about people’s children, and I wonder if I’ll ever get to the point to where I’m the one writing them. Who knows, and I’ve decided I won’t worry about that for now. But, I read an article today that almost brought me to tears. I tell you the truth, I’ve always said I hope for a house full of girls. Why, you ask? For one, I know how girls work. Secondly, I love girly things and girls have the cutest baby clothes. Third, because boys love their mommas their whole lives, but something changes when their wife comes along and mom takes a new place in his heart. A girl’s relationship with her parents changes, too, but not in the way it does with a boy. Maybe it’s because girls are relational creatures that we stay close to our parents, or maybe that’s just how the world works. Either way, the thought of being replaced is never an easy one, and I can only imagine how hard it is for moms of boys to have to let go. No one likes letting go. I, for one, am reluctant to loosen my grip even when I know I have to. Letting go is hard. Really, really hard. Of course, sometime we have to let go for good things, but even then that can be a challenge. And as a daughter in law, you don’t really think about that. I mean you’re kind of a heart stealer, you know. I guess we’re all guilty of that in the end because every wife steps in and steals a boy’s heart from his mom. Not that he ever stops loving his mom, but it’s different.

 

Aaron is such a good son to his mother. She had a little accident a few weeks ago and had to go to the hospital. I have the weakest stomach of any person to ever live, and as Aaron’s mom called him to seek his advice, I almost passed out listening to his side of the conversation. He has a weak stomach too, but the difference between us is that he can hold it together. We had just finished our monthiversary dinner when she called. It only made sense that he meet up with them because he works at the hospital. It always helps to have someone around who knows the ropes when you’re in crises, and so he dropped me off at the house and headed to the ER. He kept sending me updates along the way, and I wanted to assure him that it was fine for him to stay as long as he needed to. This was his mother after all. He had done the same thing for my mom earlier in the year, and I really appreciated it. And so he stayed until the very end, saw her off, and came back home. And I thought about how this scenario might normally play out in most cases. I wondered how most wives and moms might go about this. And I was so grateful that I could rest in the fact of knowing Aaron wasn’t for a moment choosing his mother over me, which I think most wives fear. Rather, he was being a good son to the woman who birthed him and raised him well. He was stepping up to help her out, just like he would have done for me. And the last thing I wanted to do was make him feel bad for being a good son. I admire him for loving his mom and wanting to take good care of her. And if the Lord sees it fit to bless me with a home full of boys one day, I hope my son will do the same for me and his wife will understand.

 

This stuff doesn’t come naturally, you know. The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship can be a very tricky one. It is comprised of two women who fiercely love the same man, and you know how women are. We’re competitors. We want to be the chose one. We want to be the priority. Moms get that role for a good 18 years. They are the ones who are desperately needed by their children. They are their son’s first love. They know their boys well, and they’ve seen them through so much. A mom never stops loving her child. But then a new woman comes along and all of the sudden she is the priority. She is the one who is needed, the one he chose. And I can imagine that might be a tough thing to handle. Really, it’s one of those things you either handle well or not so well, and, no pressure moms, but the way you handle it will make a huge impact on your relationship with his future Mrs.

 

I remember how nervous I was to meet Aaron’s parents. I wanted them to like me, and I feared they wouldn’t. I had pretty much convinced myself that I was an unlikeable person to parents. Plus, I knew they thought a lot of their son (everyone that knows Aaron thinks a lot of him), and I doubted that I would ever live up to their expectations. I figured I’d be a disappointment, and they’d think, “Son, you can do better than this.” And even though Aaron assured me that they were amazing people, which they are, and he wasn’t worried about what anyone else thought, I was well aware of how much a mother’s opinion can affect her child. I know how influential mothers can be, and so I hoped to win her vote. I hoped she would be on my side. If I had her support, then I’d be okay.

 

Aaron’s mom wrote me this really precious letter about being her daughter-in-law and how she viewed her role in my life. And I have to say that she has done an incredible job of letting go of her son and encouraging him to be my wife. And I think that’s the key, moms. It’s to let go. Because if your son loves his wife, if you encourage him to be the best husband he can be to her rather than trying to keep him as your little boy forever, she will love you for it. She will praise the Lord for a mother-in-law like you. And she’ll be happy to share him with you. She’ll understand that it’s not a competition. You both complete his life in different ways. You had your turn to be his #1, and now it is her turn. You had the luxury of caring for him, and now she does. And, sure, she might do it differently, but he’s not her son. He is her husband. And so let him be that. He’ll always be your son. She can’t change that. She’ll teach him things that maybe you couldn’t, and that’s okay. You probably fed him way better than she ever has. She’ll challenge him in ways a mom never can, but remember, you were the one who molded him into the man he is today. You’ve done a great job up until this point, now, let her do the rest. And you just wait, because she’ll be a mom one day, too. She’ll be in your shoes. She’ll be the one who has to learn how to share her heart, only this time it’s with Grandma. But you know what, because she’s been able to share the heart of your son with you, it’ll be no problem for her to share the hearts of her babies with you. It’ll be a joy for her, a joy for you, and a joy for her children.

 

God entrusted you with him at the start, and God entrusted her with him along the way. But you’re both special to him, as you should be, and you’ve both impacted his life in a way no one else ever could. Love him, let go of him, and trust me, you’ll receive double the love in return.

 

#903 – For the ability to share his heart and not have to compete for it.

 

"For I, too, was once my father’s son, tenderly loved as my mother’s only child." - Proverbs 4:3