Because there's knowing... and then there's knowing...

"Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord, and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her."

- 1 Samuel 1:19

 

 

It's the polite way to say it. The King James Version way to put it. That way, the reader doesn't feel too awkward as if they're violating the privacy of these two. After all, it should be a private thing between a husband and a wife. A knowing that really no one else needs to know about. And so it gets the point across. Without going into detail, we understand what happened when Elkanah knew Hannah, and that's as much as we need to know.

 

I'm sure you're wondering what we're about to get into here. Don't worry, you can breathe easy. You're reading the thoughts of one of the most prudent people to ever exist. But there's something about that word knew, about knowing, that stuck out to me today. Something that reminded me that knowing is so much more than knowing... if you know what I mean.

 

Not long after Aaron and I started dating, we went to try out a new restaurant in town. We were leaving, and he handed me his phone to pick out some music to listen to as we drove off. I handed it back to him so that he could put in his code to unlock the phone and he said, "Oh, the code is ----. That's my debit card PIN number, too." I was completely surprised that he shared that information with me. My brain is wired to remember numbers, and so I wasn't going to easily forget that information. I didn't know if he thought it would slip my mind or if he was really placing that much trust in me. Anyway, I laughed about it and he said, "Well, I figure you'll come to know it soon enough." I still felt like I was violating his privacy by looking through his phone on my own. It was strange for me to have full access, but he didn't seem to mind it at all.

 

It took me a while to get to the same spot with him. There were times that he would beat me to the house after work, and I felt bad making him wait outside for me. I finally decided to tell him how he could get in the house and gave him my alarm code. I think when our trust is violated, we are more careful with it the second go around. At least I know I was. Aaron didn't give me any reason not to trust him, I just wanted to make sure I didn't share any part of my life with him that I wasn't completely ready to give him access to. After all, it's hard to get back the things you give away. And as our lives began to merge together, we decided that we'd always practice full disclosure with one another. We wouldn't withhold information and we wouldn't keep secrets. The only secret keeping exceptions were to be used for good surprises.

 

It's easy to "know" someone. It takes no effort. It just takes two willing participants, and honestly, they don't even have to know one another. But to know someone is a completely different story. And while I understand what the writer of 1 Samuel was getting at, I think it's important to realize that successful marriages require really knowing one another. Successful marriages are transparent. There are no secrets. And sure, sometimes transparency can be a little uncomfortable and painful, but it's better to know. It's better to have knowledge of what's going on in your spouse's life and it's better to let your spouse know what's going on in yours. Because secrets don't make friends. Secrets divide. Secrets build up walls. Secrets separate and secrets bring destruction. You may think they don't matter. You may think that no one will find out. But if you are keeping something from your spouse, if you can't seem to share with them a certain piece of information, you'd better be careful. Every secret is eventually found out, so if you ask me, honest really is the best policy. In the end, it may very well save you a lot of heartache.

 

I'm always thankful for Aaron. I'm thankful for his transparency. I'm thankful for his full disclosure and for the fact that he doesn't keep secrets. I am thankful that he cares enough about me and about our marriage to always tell me the truth. That I never have to worry and wonder what I might find if I do use his phone. I am thankful that I don't have to go behind his back and read his emails to see what's happening in his life. He tells me. He knows me, and I know him. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And I think that's how it should be. I think that is how God intended it to be. After all, two are supposed to become one. Not just in body, in everything. Complete unity. That's how we best reflect Christ.