Reason #154

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. I remember talking about this with my counselor and he said, “Brittnye, people will try to say things that they feel might be comforting to you. You have to keep in mind that they are just trying to help. Most of the time people don’t know what to say, so sometimes their encouragement might not seem very encouraging.” And that was one of many true things he told me.

I think everyone has been in that situation at least once in their lifetime. You ask a question and get a response you didn’t expect. You’re caught off guard and the next thing you know, you’re pulling your foot out of your mouth. I’ve been on both sides of that predicament and have now learned that the best thing to do in such situations is to keep your initial thoughts to yourself and just give that person a hug.

Last night was a crazy night but I feel I need to back up and start this story from an earlier point in the day. I went to get my haircut after work. I L-O-V-E getting my hair done and I love my hairdresser! I remember when I broke my news to her in the fall. I was sitting in her booth, waiting my turn, and as she was finishing up another lady’s hair, she asked me a simple question not knowing I was about to burst into tears and completely shock her. I’ll never forget the look on her face. She froze, her eyes popped wide open and she just looked at me. Next thing I knew, we were both crying and she was wrapping me up in a big hug. She sees me every month and so she’s watched me walk through this. Yesterday, I sat in her chair and shared with her the new developments going on in my life. She, once again, wrapped me up in a big hug and with tears in her eyes said, “Brittnye, I’ve been praying for this and I couldn’t be happier!”

So, with my new hair do, I headed back up to the bank. We hosted our annual Fish Fry last night. The wind was raging and blew in a dirt storm, so the event was cut short. A handful of us stayed to take everything down before the rain moved in. I was standing inside a tent packing up items from the silent auction when one of my co-workers loudly asked me a question. A question that raised more questions by the others who heard. Now, I always think I’ve heard pretty much every possible response to my answer, but I got a new one last night. I was in the middle of the most awkward conversation with my co-worker when a huge gust of wind knocked over a table. My ankle just so happened to break the table’s fall. I looked down to see that my ankle ball (you know, the bone that sticks out on the side) had been scratched into a bloody mess. I made the point to show this to my co-worker to which he responded, “Oh no, now nobody is going to want you.” Okay, okay, before we start throwing things at him, I realize he had no clue what had just left his mouth. Obviously, he found himself in that spot of not knowing what to say. I didn’t know how to respond either. And even though I knew he was kidding, I couldn’t get those words out of my head last night. Those words perfectly summed up one of my biggest fears, and I feared that if he had that thought in his head, how many others do too?

So I went to bed mad. And on top of that, I was mad that I was mad. I was mad that I was letting these words get to me and affect me so much. I was mad that I was wasting tears over something that wasn’t intended to be hurtful. And most of all, I was mad that I really think this about myself quite often.

And maybe I’m not the only one who thinks that about myself. I’m blemished. I’m not perfect. I’m not proud to admit everything I’ve been through. I’ve had plenty days where I didn’t even want to be me. The enemy knows this is my weak spot so he reminds me of this again and again. Last night, it just happened to be verbally. And even though people say, “Consider the source… take it with a grain of salt… just let it roll off your back…” that’s easier said that done. Because I really do care, and who doesn’t want to be wanted?

Over the weekend, I shared with my mom that I just wish I could have a do-over. I want a clean slate, a big eraser. But I realize that’s not going to happen. We can’t change our pasts, can we?

So I drove to work this morning just trying to process this all. Trying to filter through it and doing my best to recall truth. Our world is full of lies, and so you have to search for truth. Look for it and be intentional to dwell on it. As I’ve shared before, my drive to work is my time to spend with the Lord. I pretty much keep the radio off so I can talk and not be distracted, but I decided I would listen to the radio for part of the drive as I didn’t feel very talkative this morning. And this song came on. I heard this song a few weeks ago and fell in love with the words. So He used it this morning to remind me of His truth. The truth of second chances. Because the truth is, we’re going to mess up. We’re going to slip and fall and have some regrets along the way, but when we come to Him with a full slate, He wipes it clean. And so the words resonated with me, “countless second chances we’ve been given at the cross.”

I can’t go backwards, I can’t re-do anything I’ve done, so I’m grateful for second chances. For slates that are wiped clean by a redeeming, loving Savior. For blood that covers blemishes. And for the truth of knowing that there is someone who wants me. He wanted me enough to die for me, and I bet given a second chance, He’d do it all over again.

#154 – Because He gives us countless second chances.

“I give you all the credit, God – you got me out of that mess…God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together…gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out.” – Psalm 30:1-3 (The Message)