Reason #166
I remember thinking this was it. My life was over. I had missed my opportunity, failed, taken the wrong path somehow. How was God going to use me now? Was He going to? Because I just couldn't see it. I couldn't see how life was going to turn around and get any better. If it did, I figured it would be a long time coming. Probably years.
Damaged cargo. Ruined. Still in my prime and useless. A waste. That's how I saw my life now. I had spent so many years dreaming and hoping that I would accomplish something good, do something productive with my life, but now all I saw was disappointment. And I began to feel hopeless that anything would or could happen now.
If only...
If only I could have my college years back. If only I had made different decisions, taken a different path. If only I had known then what I know now. If only I could turn back time.
But it was too late. I had made my choices, they didn't turn out like I thought they would, and I figured that I had totally messed up any chances I might have had at doing something good with my life, something for the kingdom. It was all my fault. And the truth was, I was embarrassed. Why would God want to use me? I was just sure I had let Him down.
And the enemy told me again and agin that I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve anything good anytime soon. I had failed, blown my one shot, and I might as well just give up. I didn't deserve to be used, I didn't deserve another chance, I didn't deserve another opportunity. Game over.
And I believed those lies. I listened to them and nodded my head in agreement. He was right. I was being useless, wasting away, and I was far from deserving.
But people prayed for me and they didn't stop. My family and friends encouraged me. And the more they did, the more I started to refuse to sit and waste my days away. At 24 years old, feeling as if my life had come to an abrupt end, I began to realize that I still had many days left ahead of me. And so I was faced with a choice. I could remain useless. I could sit in shame and despair, hiding my face and covering my scars, or I could step out of the boat, like Peter, and attempt to walk on water. (Matthew 14)
Walk on water. Me? Yea right! That's crazy and completely out of character for me. I don't take risks. Too scary. Plus, miracles are reserved for the really, really good and special people. Miracles are reserved for the ones who don't mess up. For the ones who don't let God down. My miracle deserving days had passed.
But tonight, once again, I sat in a room with many sweet, new friends and we talked about walking on water. Well, we talked about storms but I thought about walking on water. Because my life had been a storm for a while. The sun didn't shine often and when it did, it was in short spurts. So I stayed on the boat in misery. Feeling like I'd just have to sit there and be tossed around because I didn't see a way out. Of course just because I didn't see a way out didn't mean there wasn't one.
Sometimes, God asks us to do really crazy things. Things you wouldn't have thought about doing on your own because well, it just doesn't seem to make sense. Sometimes, right smack dab in the middle of being scared and confused and discombobulated, He asks you to take a big risk. Jump ship! That's right. Get off that boat, dive in and do something that is even scarier. Get out of your comfort zone and join Him!
So I jumped ship. Terrified of big waves, raging winds and, deep waters, but I did it. And I knew what this was going to lead to. I knew I was going to have to be vulnerable. I knew I was going to have to show my scars. I knew I was going to have to put myself out there. Things I didn't want to do. But I was tired of being a waste. Tired of being useless and taking up space. And to be honest, I wanted to change my story. I didn't want this to be it. I didn't want to live a life full of regrets and if only's. And I knew that would only happen if I climbed out of that boat, took a risk, kept my eyes on Him and trusted Him to perform a miracle in my life, too.
Here's what I learned. Miracles are reserved for everyone. Miracles still happen. Walking on water really isn't as impossible as it seems. And although you feel safe in the boat, really the best place to be is in the water with Him. Scary, you bet. But some times the only way to move forward, the only way to move on, the only way to live your life is to risk it. Take the plunge overboard.
And so I don't deserve it. I don't deserve the joy and exhiliration of walking on water. I don't deserve opportunity after opportunity. But God is so gracious not to give me what I deserve. Gracious to turn a useless girl into a useful girl. Gracious not to give up on me even when I give up on myself. And gracious to show me that I hadn't missed any opportunity. Because really, the opportunity was just beginning to present itself.
#166 - Because He got me off the boat!
...“Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.” “Yes, come,” Jesus said. - Matthew 14:28-29
Damaged cargo. Ruined. Still in my prime and useless. A waste. That's how I saw my life now. I had spent so many years dreaming and hoping that I would accomplish something good, do something productive with my life, but now all I saw was disappointment. And I began to feel hopeless that anything would or could happen now.
If only...
If only I could have my college years back. If only I had made different decisions, taken a different path. If only I had known then what I know now. If only I could turn back time.
But it was too late. I had made my choices, they didn't turn out like I thought they would, and I figured that I had totally messed up any chances I might have had at doing something good with my life, something for the kingdom. It was all my fault. And the truth was, I was embarrassed. Why would God want to use me? I was just sure I had let Him down.
And the enemy told me again and agin that I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve anything good anytime soon. I had failed, blown my one shot, and I might as well just give up. I didn't deserve to be used, I didn't deserve another chance, I didn't deserve another opportunity. Game over.
And I believed those lies. I listened to them and nodded my head in agreement. He was right. I was being useless, wasting away, and I was far from deserving.
But people prayed for me and they didn't stop. My family and friends encouraged me. And the more they did, the more I started to refuse to sit and waste my days away. At 24 years old, feeling as if my life had come to an abrupt end, I began to realize that I still had many days left ahead of me. And so I was faced with a choice. I could remain useless. I could sit in shame and despair, hiding my face and covering my scars, or I could step out of the boat, like Peter, and attempt to walk on water. (Matthew 14)
Walk on water. Me? Yea right! That's crazy and completely out of character for me. I don't take risks. Too scary. Plus, miracles are reserved for the really, really good and special people. Miracles are reserved for the ones who don't mess up. For the ones who don't let God down. My miracle deserving days had passed.
But tonight, once again, I sat in a room with many sweet, new friends and we talked about walking on water. Well, we talked about storms but I thought about walking on water. Because my life had been a storm for a while. The sun didn't shine often and when it did, it was in short spurts. So I stayed on the boat in misery. Feeling like I'd just have to sit there and be tossed around because I didn't see a way out. Of course just because I didn't see a way out didn't mean there wasn't one.
Sometimes, God asks us to do really crazy things. Things you wouldn't have thought about doing on your own because well, it just doesn't seem to make sense. Sometimes, right smack dab in the middle of being scared and confused and discombobulated, He asks you to take a big risk. Jump ship! That's right. Get off that boat, dive in and do something that is even scarier. Get out of your comfort zone and join Him!
So I jumped ship. Terrified of big waves, raging winds and, deep waters, but I did it. And I knew what this was going to lead to. I knew I was going to have to be vulnerable. I knew I was going to have to show my scars. I knew I was going to have to put myself out there. Things I didn't want to do. But I was tired of being a waste. Tired of being useless and taking up space. And to be honest, I wanted to change my story. I didn't want this to be it. I didn't want to live a life full of regrets and if only's. And I knew that would only happen if I climbed out of that boat, took a risk, kept my eyes on Him and trusted Him to perform a miracle in my life, too.
Here's what I learned. Miracles are reserved for everyone. Miracles still happen. Walking on water really isn't as impossible as it seems. And although you feel safe in the boat, really the best place to be is in the water with Him. Scary, you bet. But some times the only way to move forward, the only way to move on, the only way to live your life is to risk it. Take the plunge overboard.
And so I don't deserve it. I don't deserve the joy and exhiliration of walking on water. I don't deserve opportunity after opportunity. But God is so gracious not to give me what I deserve. Gracious to turn a useless girl into a useful girl. Gracious not to give up on me even when I give up on myself. And gracious to show me that I hadn't missed any opportunity. Because really, the opportunity was just beginning to present itself.
#166 - Because He got me off the boat!
...“Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.” “Yes, come,” Jesus said. - Matthew 14:28-29
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