Reason #247
He's been working on my heart for weeks now. Pulling, tugging, challenging. Every sermon, every bible study, I hear this recurring theme. Some times I have a hard time pinning it down exactly, but it's the same verses, the same messages. And I've learned this in my walk with the Lord. He challenges me. Pulls me a little deeper and teaches me and some times it's hard. Some times I get tired of learning. But through it all, I realize I have so much to learn and my heart is sincerely grateful that He doesn't give up on me, that He doesn't stop teaching me. I'm always thankful that He isn't willing to leave me in my current state, yet He is always taking me deeper. And so it can be a little hard, a little emotional, a little uncomfortable. Because when He takes you deeper, pulls you in closer, you have to reflect internally. You have to search your heart and discover truths. Truths about Him and truths about yourself. So this is where I am, finding some truths about myself that are a little hard to admit, a little hard to release, a little hard to let go of.
I drove home from church this afternoon with a full heart. But I still felt it. I still felt this tug, a little longing that I couldn't exactly define. But the real truth behind it is that I didn't want to define it because if I did, that meant I had to work on it. If I defined it, that meant there really was an issue that needed to be fixed and it was going to require some work. I was going to have to let go, trust and be somewhat uncomfortable. Most of all, I was going to have to be vulnerable. I have become brave over the past year. Brave and independent. I've had to do a lot, take on a lot. I've also had to trust a lot. I've had to re-learn and adapt. I've been refined. I've bent. I've searched my heart, purged so many things, let go of hurts, forgiven, healed. I've done a lot of work. A lot. But there is always work to be done and it doesn't necessarily get easier. I've depended on the Lord for a lot, I've depended on my family a lot, but I've also depended on myself a lot because it's easy to do. I know I won't let myself down. I can trust myself. I know what I need, how to take care of myself, and I can make sure that gets done. I have my best interest at heart, and I've got my back. And so, over time, I've built this little wall of trust. I suppose I could say I've started to wall myself in, really. Mostly because I just want to be safe, and I feel safe there. I feel safe behind this little fragile wall I've constructed. But I haven't been aware of this construction project until a few weeks ago.
So as I drove and as I tried to pin-point what exactly the Lord was trying to teach me, a song came on the radio. Of course, like I've said a million times, the Lord uses music to speak to me. And so the words began to play out of the speakers and as I sang along, it hit me.
So the enemy does a good job handing me bricks to add to my wall. He lies to me again and again reminding me that this wall is for my own good. He assures me that this will benefit me and that this is a proactive measure. But lies are lies and I'm beginning to see through them. The real truth is, I'm scared. There, I said it. I'm scared because if I take this wall down, I become vulnerable again. If this wall isn't keeping me safe, how will I ensure the harmful things stay out? And I realized that this wall is not of God. This is a wall built upon deceit and lies. A wall constructed out of vulnerability. A wall that attempts to hide shame and scars. A wall that really blocks out good things while keeping in bad things. This wall keeps me completely restrained. A wall that prohibits, a wall that distracts, a wall that damages and must be tore down.
Brick by brick this wall is coming down. It's not really painful, just a little scary. And I realize that each brick must be addressed. Each one must be demolished. But as I begin let this wall down, the goodness can flood the space. The restraining wall has been a retaining wall, holding out many sweet blessings that are begging to enter. Blessings that are patiently waiting for an open entrance, an invitation. And so this is the key to going deeper, to knowing Him more. This is the only way it will happen. Because I desire to live completely unrestrained. I don't want to hold back, I don't want to be prohibitied, and I don't want to live in fear any longer. And I'm grateful that I can do this demolition project because I serve a God who wants to get in there and clean house. A God who isn't afraid of seeing whatever has been walled in. A God who doesn't want me to live life at arm's length or hide behind a self-made obstacle, but a God who desires I live life without abandon. A full life, a life unrestrained. So I slowly begin to let go, to stop holding back. And what freedom there is when His truth begins to penetrate through walls. And so it is time. Time for demolition. Time to tear down walls, to get a little uncomfortable. And I realize blood, sweat and tears go into any construction project, but redepmtive blood has already been spilled and so really, the hard part has already been done.
#247 - Because I don't need walls to protect me and keep me safe.
“Because they love me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue them; I will protect them, for they acknowledge my name.They will call on me, and I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will deliver them and honor them. With long life I will satisfy them and show them my salvation.” - Psalm 91:14-16
I drove home from church this afternoon with a full heart. But I still felt it. I still felt this tug, a little longing that I couldn't exactly define. But the real truth behind it is that I didn't want to define it because if I did, that meant I had to work on it. If I defined it, that meant there really was an issue that needed to be fixed and it was going to require some work. I was going to have to let go, trust and be somewhat uncomfortable. Most of all, I was going to have to be vulnerable. I have become brave over the past year. Brave and independent. I've had to do a lot, take on a lot. I've also had to trust a lot. I've had to re-learn and adapt. I've been refined. I've bent. I've searched my heart, purged so many things, let go of hurts, forgiven, healed. I've done a lot of work. A lot. But there is always work to be done and it doesn't necessarily get easier. I've depended on the Lord for a lot, I've depended on my family a lot, but I've also depended on myself a lot because it's easy to do. I know I won't let myself down. I can trust myself. I know what I need, how to take care of myself, and I can make sure that gets done. I have my best interest at heart, and I've got my back. And so, over time, I've built this little wall of trust. I suppose I could say I've started to wall myself in, really. Mostly because I just want to be safe, and I feel safe there. I feel safe behind this little fragile wall I've constructed. But I haven't been aware of this construction project until a few weeks ago.
So as I drove and as I tried to pin-point what exactly the Lord was trying to teach me, a song came on the radio. Of course, like I've said a million times, the Lord uses music to speak to me. And so the words began to play out of the speakers and as I sang along, it hit me.
"And melt away, everything that's not of you.
I want to know you more.
So much deeper than I do.
Completely unrestrained."
Unrestrained. But I see that a restraining wall has clearly been built. A wall to keep me safe and protected. A wall to keep out hurt and disappointment. And so I've walked around living life at arm's lenght. I've allowed a handful of visitors through the wall, but only a select few. The few who gave me life, the few who share a bloodline with me, the few who've cried tears with me. But the others are at arm's lenght. Because behind the wall, it can get messy. The wall is supposed to shield these new friends from the yuckiness they wouldn't want to see. The wall is keeping them safe, or so I say. But truth is, the wall is intended for me. With this wall, I appear stoic and brave. With this wall, I can safely move forward with out fear.So the enemy does a good job handing me bricks to add to my wall. He lies to me again and again reminding me that this wall is for my own good. He assures me that this will benefit me and that this is a proactive measure. But lies are lies and I'm beginning to see through them. The real truth is, I'm scared. There, I said it. I'm scared because if I take this wall down, I become vulnerable again. If this wall isn't keeping me safe, how will I ensure the harmful things stay out? And I realized that this wall is not of God. This is a wall built upon deceit and lies. A wall constructed out of vulnerability. A wall that attempts to hide shame and scars. A wall that really blocks out good things while keeping in bad things. This wall keeps me completely restrained. A wall that prohibits, a wall that distracts, a wall that damages and must be tore down.
Brick by brick this wall is coming down. It's not really painful, just a little scary. And I realize that each brick must be addressed. Each one must be demolished. But as I begin let this wall down, the goodness can flood the space. The restraining wall has been a retaining wall, holding out many sweet blessings that are begging to enter. Blessings that are patiently waiting for an open entrance, an invitation. And so this is the key to going deeper, to knowing Him more. This is the only way it will happen. Because I desire to live completely unrestrained. I don't want to hold back, I don't want to be prohibitied, and I don't want to live in fear any longer. And I'm grateful that I can do this demolition project because I serve a God who wants to get in there and clean house. A God who isn't afraid of seeing whatever has been walled in. A God who doesn't want me to live life at arm's length or hide behind a self-made obstacle, but a God who desires I live life without abandon. A full life, a life unrestrained. So I slowly begin to let go, to stop holding back. And what freedom there is when His truth begins to penetrate through walls. And so it is time. Time for demolition. Time to tear down walls, to get a little uncomfortable. And I realize blood, sweat and tears go into any construction project, but redepmtive blood has already been spilled and so really, the hard part has already been done.
#247 - Because I don't need walls to protect me and keep me safe.
“Because they love me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue them; I will protect them, for they acknowledge my name.They will call on me, and I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will deliver them and honor them. With long life I will satisfy them and show them my salvation.” - Psalm 91:14-16
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