Reason #562
I didn't really know how boys were until I met Aaron. Aaron was honest with me, and he was the first guy who really told me the brutal, honest truth of how men are. He told me how they think, what they think, and typically how they view things. I was surprised to say the least. Because up until this point, I was naïve. Why would anyone look at someone else and think such things about them. Especially when they don't even know them. And why would they even think things like that in the first place? I just didn't get it. I had always heard people saying things like, "boys will be boys," to excuse such behavior, but I figured once they were past being a teenager, things changed. I was wrong.
So here's a disclaimer tonight. Girls, this one is for you. I got on my soap box a few weeks ago about how we think and what we expect when it comes to marriage, and I'm about to do it again concerning clothing. This one is probably going to hit even closer to home and may potentially make you mad. Initially, it made me mad. Sometimes it still does. But I feel like it needs to be said and maybe not from your youth pastor. Maybe from someone who has been there and still struggles with it. And because my husband has been honest with me, I'll let you in on the secrets, too.
I remember struggling with the way I dressed when I was in high school. I never really gave much thought about it. As long as I felt I looked cute, that's what mattered. Plus, I don't have much to flaunt (if you know what I mean). I'm one of those girls who could wear a shirt cut down to my belly button and no one would even notice. In fact, if they did, they'd just feel sorry for me. Anyway, I remember going to youth group and hearing about how girls were tempting boys by the way they dressed. Boys are visual and so if we dressed modestly, they wouldn't stumble and think impure thoughts. Basically, their impure thought process was our fault. If we just kept on turtlenecks and pants, maybe gloves, too, the problem would be solved. And even though they preached "modest is hottest," we all knew that turtlenecks and pants weren't going to attract any boys. We were stuck. Either we attracted them, thus causing them to sin, or we cared more about their spiritual life, thus only allowing us to stay in the friend zone forever. So I came home and I talked to my dad about it. I felt so guilty for potentially causing my "bothers in Christ" to sin. What kind of good, Christian girl was I being by wearing anything that showed legs and arms at the same time? I lamented my worries because truth be told, I really wanted to a boyfriend. I saw what the girls who had boyfriends wore, and it wasn't anything that was described in youth group. I was torn. My dad told me, "Brittnye, even if you wore a potato sack every day for the rest of you life, boys are going to think what boys are going to think. You can't control that." Truth.
Aaron and I started dating and I was shocked when he confirmed that the male thought process never stops... ever, girls, ever. And this kind of made me mad. Just stop it. Stop thinking those things. Stop looking at girls like that. Quit. Have some respect. We are people too, not just objects. How hard could it be, anyway? I mean, when I looked a guys, I simply thought, "he's cute" or "I don't think he's cute." That was as far as it went. But Aaron reminded me that guys and girls don't think alike, which can be unfortunate sometimes. And so while I still stick to my argument of men learning how to respect women and view them in an appropriate way regardless of what they have on, I also think we women need to think long and hard about what we are giving them to look at.
Now a days, if you want to look cute, you're going to be cold. If you want to follow the trend, take a jacket. Because the truth is, the trend is skin. The more you show, the better. Don't get me wrong, I love skirts, tank tops, strapless dresses and shorts. I love sundresses, skinny jeans, fitted t's, and yoga pants. I also have all of these items in my closet because they are cute. I feel cute when I wear them and that's what I find in the stores. I never thought much past that. And although we want men to respect us, have you ever thought about the fact that we are demanding respect with our words, yet our wardrobe is saying something else? We are sending mixed signals, and half of us don't know it. But maybe, deep down we do know it. Maybe we put two and two together and we realized that when we dressed one way, we received more looks than when we dressed another way. And maybe we all truly do understand that boys are visual and we think that the more they see of us, the more likely they are to come talk to us. Or maybe, just maybe, we don't really think we are beautiful. Maybe we took a blow to our self esteem when we were younger, and we think that it can only be fixed if we can elicit looks from others. That way, we know that we are attractive even if we have a hard time believing it ourselves. Or maybe, we just believe and do what the media portrays because it looks like it's working for everyone else, and we sure as heck don't want to be the one missing out. I don't know what it is, but I struggle with it, too. With wanting to look cute, with wanting other people to notice me and think I'm attractive, yet with also wanting to present myself in a way that doesn't cause any other man aside from the one I'm married to to think certain thoughts about me.
Well, I used to not care about how other women dressed. I used to think married men only had eyes for their wives and that once a ring was on their finger, all other women became invisible. I learned the hard way that that is not the truth. Far from it. I learned that wedding ring or not, people do not become invisible. In fact, most people don't even consider or care whether or not there is a ring. I learned that the older you get, the cuter the college girls become. I learned that pornography is ridiculously prevalent among all men, all ages, and that they can look at as much skin whenever they want. And I learned that if the only reason a man pursues you is because he believes you are physically beautiful, he'll have little to no trouble moving on to the next girl that walks by with some physical attribute he likes because he never really cared about you as a person in the first place. The truth is, the world is full of them. Beautiful people are everywhere and you can usually see as much of them as you'd like. And so upon learning this, I became very upset with girls. Because I have a husband whom I love very, very much. A husband whose eyes I want just for me. A husband who is a guy that lives in a fashion driven society where clothing is unusually scarce, and who struggles with being visual just like every other man on the face of the earth. I don't want to compete for his affection, and I don't want to walk around in fear wondering if I look good enough for him because he can see everything of everyone else's. So I praise the Lord that I have a husband who looks away. A husband who doesn't dwell. A husband who never told me the real reason he was marrying me was because of the way I looked but rather it was because of the person I am. A husband who knows these things and does everything he can to safe guard our marriage from the effects of the massive amount of skin walking around each day. I hope and pray that every girl finds or has a husband like that.
And so here it is, here's what I want to say. Girls, it's okay to wear clothes. It's okay if not everyone else knows what your stomach, chest, lower back, upper back, arms, and legs look like... especially at the same time. It's okay to keep some of these things to yourself. Because you are beautiful all of the time, and it's worth it to wait on someone who loves you for who you really are rather than accepting shallow love from someone who only cares what you look like. Because one day, you will have a husband and you'll understand what I'm saying. And so do these things for him and for the husbands of all the other girls. Respect yourself, and respect them, too. Don't just demand it with your words, demand if with your actions. If he loves you, he will eventually get to see all of your skin anyway, and you can show him as much as you'd like to without the fear of only doing it to keep him around.
And guys, just try. Try to remember that the women you see each day are mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. Remember that they are real people, not pin-ups who have been digitally altered. And even those women are still someone else's family members. Remember that looks can change, but true character doesn't. And respect the women you are around, because although you may not marry them, someone else will. And someone else is probably dating your future wife, and you'd want him to treat her right, wouldn't you?
It takes two. It always does. It's not one gender's fault over the other. But maybe instead of pointing fingers, we can try to help one another out. Maybe we can learn to be comfortable in our own skin without showing it all. And maybe we can learn to get to know people without have to see it all up front. Because skin is skin, we're all covered in it, and skin is deceiving. Skin will change. It will stretch, wrinkle, and fall, but the person inside will stay the same so get to know and love that first, and you'll realize that skin doesn't really matter after all.
#562 - Because He made us beautiful, inside and out, and we can rest in that truth rather than trying to prove it.
"Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful." - 1 Peter 3"3-5
So here's a disclaimer tonight. Girls, this one is for you. I got on my soap box a few weeks ago about how we think and what we expect when it comes to marriage, and I'm about to do it again concerning clothing. This one is probably going to hit even closer to home and may potentially make you mad. Initially, it made me mad. Sometimes it still does. But I feel like it needs to be said and maybe not from your youth pastor. Maybe from someone who has been there and still struggles with it. And because my husband has been honest with me, I'll let you in on the secrets, too.
I remember struggling with the way I dressed when I was in high school. I never really gave much thought about it. As long as I felt I looked cute, that's what mattered. Plus, I don't have much to flaunt (if you know what I mean). I'm one of those girls who could wear a shirt cut down to my belly button and no one would even notice. In fact, if they did, they'd just feel sorry for me. Anyway, I remember going to youth group and hearing about how girls were tempting boys by the way they dressed. Boys are visual and so if we dressed modestly, they wouldn't stumble and think impure thoughts. Basically, their impure thought process was our fault. If we just kept on turtlenecks and pants, maybe gloves, too, the problem would be solved. And even though they preached "modest is hottest," we all knew that turtlenecks and pants weren't going to attract any boys. We were stuck. Either we attracted them, thus causing them to sin, or we cared more about their spiritual life, thus only allowing us to stay in the friend zone forever. So I came home and I talked to my dad about it. I felt so guilty for potentially causing my "bothers in Christ" to sin. What kind of good, Christian girl was I being by wearing anything that showed legs and arms at the same time? I lamented my worries because truth be told, I really wanted to a boyfriend. I saw what the girls who had boyfriends wore, and it wasn't anything that was described in youth group. I was torn. My dad told me, "Brittnye, even if you wore a potato sack every day for the rest of you life, boys are going to think what boys are going to think. You can't control that." Truth.
Aaron and I started dating and I was shocked when he confirmed that the male thought process never stops... ever, girls, ever. And this kind of made me mad. Just stop it. Stop thinking those things. Stop looking at girls like that. Quit. Have some respect. We are people too, not just objects. How hard could it be, anyway? I mean, when I looked a guys, I simply thought, "he's cute" or "I don't think he's cute." That was as far as it went. But Aaron reminded me that guys and girls don't think alike, which can be unfortunate sometimes. And so while I still stick to my argument of men learning how to respect women and view them in an appropriate way regardless of what they have on, I also think we women need to think long and hard about what we are giving them to look at.
Now a days, if you want to look cute, you're going to be cold. If you want to follow the trend, take a jacket. Because the truth is, the trend is skin. The more you show, the better. Don't get me wrong, I love skirts, tank tops, strapless dresses and shorts. I love sundresses, skinny jeans, fitted t's, and yoga pants. I also have all of these items in my closet because they are cute. I feel cute when I wear them and that's what I find in the stores. I never thought much past that. And although we want men to respect us, have you ever thought about the fact that we are demanding respect with our words, yet our wardrobe is saying something else? We are sending mixed signals, and half of us don't know it. But maybe, deep down we do know it. Maybe we put two and two together and we realized that when we dressed one way, we received more looks than when we dressed another way. And maybe we all truly do understand that boys are visual and we think that the more they see of us, the more likely they are to come talk to us. Or maybe, just maybe, we don't really think we are beautiful. Maybe we took a blow to our self esteem when we were younger, and we think that it can only be fixed if we can elicit looks from others. That way, we know that we are attractive even if we have a hard time believing it ourselves. Or maybe, we just believe and do what the media portrays because it looks like it's working for everyone else, and we sure as heck don't want to be the one missing out. I don't know what it is, but I struggle with it, too. With wanting to look cute, with wanting other people to notice me and think I'm attractive, yet with also wanting to present myself in a way that doesn't cause any other man aside from the one I'm married to to think certain thoughts about me.
Well, I used to not care about how other women dressed. I used to think married men only had eyes for their wives and that once a ring was on their finger, all other women became invisible. I learned the hard way that that is not the truth. Far from it. I learned that wedding ring or not, people do not become invisible. In fact, most people don't even consider or care whether or not there is a ring. I learned that the older you get, the cuter the college girls become. I learned that pornography is ridiculously prevalent among all men, all ages, and that they can look at as much skin whenever they want. And I learned that if the only reason a man pursues you is because he believes you are physically beautiful, he'll have little to no trouble moving on to the next girl that walks by with some physical attribute he likes because he never really cared about you as a person in the first place. The truth is, the world is full of them. Beautiful people are everywhere and you can usually see as much of them as you'd like. And so upon learning this, I became very upset with girls. Because I have a husband whom I love very, very much. A husband whose eyes I want just for me. A husband who is a guy that lives in a fashion driven society where clothing is unusually scarce, and who struggles with being visual just like every other man on the face of the earth. I don't want to compete for his affection, and I don't want to walk around in fear wondering if I look good enough for him because he can see everything of everyone else's. So I praise the Lord that I have a husband who looks away. A husband who doesn't dwell. A husband who never told me the real reason he was marrying me was because of the way I looked but rather it was because of the person I am. A husband who knows these things and does everything he can to safe guard our marriage from the effects of the massive amount of skin walking around each day. I hope and pray that every girl finds or has a husband like that.
And so here it is, here's what I want to say. Girls, it's okay to wear clothes. It's okay if not everyone else knows what your stomach, chest, lower back, upper back, arms, and legs look like... especially at the same time. It's okay to keep some of these things to yourself. Because you are beautiful all of the time, and it's worth it to wait on someone who loves you for who you really are rather than accepting shallow love from someone who only cares what you look like. Because one day, you will have a husband and you'll understand what I'm saying. And so do these things for him and for the husbands of all the other girls. Respect yourself, and respect them, too. Don't just demand it with your words, demand if with your actions. If he loves you, he will eventually get to see all of your skin anyway, and you can show him as much as you'd like to without the fear of only doing it to keep him around.
And guys, just try. Try to remember that the women you see each day are mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. Remember that they are real people, not pin-ups who have been digitally altered. And even those women are still someone else's family members. Remember that looks can change, but true character doesn't. And respect the women you are around, because although you may not marry them, someone else will. And someone else is probably dating your future wife, and you'd want him to treat her right, wouldn't you?
It takes two. It always does. It's not one gender's fault over the other. But maybe instead of pointing fingers, we can try to help one another out. Maybe we can learn to be comfortable in our own skin without showing it all. And maybe we can learn to get to know people without have to see it all up front. Because skin is skin, we're all covered in it, and skin is deceiving. Skin will change. It will stretch, wrinkle, and fall, but the person inside will stay the same so get to know and love that first, and you'll realize that skin doesn't really matter after all.
#562 - Because He made us beautiful, inside and out, and we can rest in that truth rather than trying to prove it.
"Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful." - 1 Peter 3"3-5
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