Reason #44
Sundays have become hard days for me. This is going to be a very raw and vulnerable post, so bear with me as I pour my heart out through the keyboard.
Sometimes I struggle with knowing how to pray. As I'm sure you've figured out from reading my previous posts, the past 5 months have been the most challenging, painful, hurtful, stressful, disappointing, difficult months of my life. I am going to let you in on a conversation I had this weekend with my mom, my built-in counselor. Remember, this is a very raw entry but I want to share this with you as you've been so kind to walk with me over the past 44 days. This weekend I expressed to my mom that I am tired of hurting. I am so tired of feeling pain. I have never consistently been unhappy before, and it's a really hard state to be in. I told her I wish I could know that after a certain date I would feel better. I wish that there was a time limit on hurt and after so many months, it would just disappear. Honestly, I wish that I could use the little mind-zapping machine used in the movie, 'Men in Black' and erase all memories from the past five years of my life. If I could just forget everything, I think that the pain would subside and I could start to feel like my old self again. After all, everything that brings the hurt is stemmed from a memory. Unfortunately, so many of these memories have been etched into my brain. Memories that used to be sweet to me now bring about distress and tears. Memories that I was glad to be making at the time now break my heart each time they creep into my mind.
So I began to ask God to ease my pain. I began to ask him to send me some good, unexpected surprises. I have been asking for a good distraction. I've asked him to move the memories out of my mind and do away with the hurt. I've asked him to bring me joy in the middle of sorrow. I've asked for quite a bit, and the pain has yet to subside.
I'm reading a great book, titled "One Thousand Gifts," and the author has made a statement over and over throughout the book that finally hit me like a ton of bricks last night. "Eucharisteo (thanksgiving) always precedes the miracle." She reminded me of the story of the two fish and five loaves of bread found in John 6. Jesus took the loaves and the fish, GAVE THANKS, and began to feed the 5000. He did the same thing at the last supper with his disciples. He took the bread, which symbolized what was about to happen to his body, GAVE THANKS and the broke it to share with the disciples. Ah, a pattern emerges. In the time of crisis, the first thing Jesus did was GIVE THANKS.
After I finished reading the chapter I was on, I turned on the radio only to hear the DJ talk about giving thanks. As I sat in Sunday School this morning, a majority of our lesson had to do with giving thanks. Okay, Lord, I hear what you're trying to tell me.
I realize how selfish my prayers have been. I have continued to pray that the Lord would bring purpose from my pain, however, I have asked again and again for my pain to be taken away. Philippians 4:6 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
And so I began to wonder how I thank him for this situation. I have an incredibly hard time being thankful for what has happened. How do I thank him for a devastating experience? How do I thank him for a crushed spirit? How do I thank him for the fact that I lost a part of my heart, a part of my dreams, and a part of my life?
I see how selfish my prayers have been and how I have been missing the mark completely. I don't come to him with thanksgiving near as much as I should, and I have definitely not been quick to thank him for my circumstances. When I take a moment to stop and think about how to show thanksgiving in the midst of my circumstances, I realize that I can thank him because he is right in the pit with me. I thank him because he has seen every tear fall. I thank him because he has started to bind up my broken heart. I thank him because through the pain, he has drawn me closer. I thank him because he really does know what's best for me (even if I don't understand right now). I thank him because I know he has an ultimate plan and is not going to leave me standing in the wilderness forever. I thank him because he knows the desires of my heart and promises to fill them. I thank him because he can and will redeem any situation. I thank him because through this hurt, he has been able to refine me and mold me into who he desires for me to be. I thank him because he is good. I thank him because he meets me right where I am, hurt and all. I thank him because he will bring purpose from this pain.
#44 - Because he always meets me right where I am, and for that I'm very thankful!
"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name." - Psalm 100:4
Sometimes I struggle with knowing how to pray. As I'm sure you've figured out from reading my previous posts, the past 5 months have been the most challenging, painful, hurtful, stressful, disappointing, difficult months of my life. I am going to let you in on a conversation I had this weekend with my mom, my built-in counselor. Remember, this is a very raw entry but I want to share this with you as you've been so kind to walk with me over the past 44 days. This weekend I expressed to my mom that I am tired of hurting. I am so tired of feeling pain. I have never consistently been unhappy before, and it's a really hard state to be in. I told her I wish I could know that after a certain date I would feel better. I wish that there was a time limit on hurt and after so many months, it would just disappear. Honestly, I wish that I could use the little mind-zapping machine used in the movie, 'Men in Black' and erase all memories from the past five years of my life. If I could just forget everything, I think that the pain would subside and I could start to feel like my old self again. After all, everything that brings the hurt is stemmed from a memory. Unfortunately, so many of these memories have been etched into my brain. Memories that used to be sweet to me now bring about distress and tears. Memories that I was glad to be making at the time now break my heart each time they creep into my mind.
So I began to ask God to ease my pain. I began to ask him to send me some good, unexpected surprises. I have been asking for a good distraction. I've asked him to move the memories out of my mind and do away with the hurt. I've asked him to bring me joy in the middle of sorrow. I've asked for quite a bit, and the pain has yet to subside.
I'm reading a great book, titled "One Thousand Gifts," and the author has made a statement over and over throughout the book that finally hit me like a ton of bricks last night. "Eucharisteo (thanksgiving) always precedes the miracle." She reminded me of the story of the two fish and five loaves of bread found in John 6. Jesus took the loaves and the fish, GAVE THANKS, and began to feed the 5000. He did the same thing at the last supper with his disciples. He took the bread, which symbolized what was about to happen to his body, GAVE THANKS and the broke it to share with the disciples. Ah, a pattern emerges. In the time of crisis, the first thing Jesus did was GIVE THANKS.
After I finished reading the chapter I was on, I turned on the radio only to hear the DJ talk about giving thanks. As I sat in Sunday School this morning, a majority of our lesson had to do with giving thanks. Okay, Lord, I hear what you're trying to tell me.
I realize how selfish my prayers have been. I have continued to pray that the Lord would bring purpose from my pain, however, I have asked again and again for my pain to be taken away. Philippians 4:6 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
And so I began to wonder how I thank him for this situation. I have an incredibly hard time being thankful for what has happened. How do I thank him for a devastating experience? How do I thank him for a crushed spirit? How do I thank him for the fact that I lost a part of my heart, a part of my dreams, and a part of my life?
I see how selfish my prayers have been and how I have been missing the mark completely. I don't come to him with thanksgiving near as much as I should, and I have definitely not been quick to thank him for my circumstances. When I take a moment to stop and think about how to show thanksgiving in the midst of my circumstances, I realize that I can thank him because he is right in the pit with me. I thank him because he has seen every tear fall. I thank him because he has started to bind up my broken heart. I thank him because through the pain, he has drawn me closer. I thank him because he really does know what's best for me (even if I don't understand right now). I thank him because I know he has an ultimate plan and is not going to leave me standing in the wilderness forever. I thank him because he knows the desires of my heart and promises to fill them. I thank him because he can and will redeem any situation. I thank him because through this hurt, he has been able to refine me and mold me into who he desires for me to be. I thank him because he is good. I thank him because he meets me right where I am, hurt and all. I thank him because he will bring purpose from this pain.
#44 - Because he always meets me right where I am, and for that I'm very thankful!
"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name." - Psalm 100:4
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