Reason #330
I went "home" tonight for the first time in well over a year. For fourteen years, the church I grew up in has held a Christmas dinner theatre, therefore, making this a family tradition for 14 years. Every year, my sweet grandparents have treated us to this festivity, but last year was different. Last year, I chose not to go. It's interesting how devastating events in ones life can so easily cause one to become a recluse. It's interesting how difficulties make you want to run and hide, and really, the ones you desire to hide most from are the ones who love you and have known you forever. And so I hid out. Grateful that the Lord had moved my parents to Lubbock so that I didn't have to go back "home." I couldn't deal with it. Feeling disgraced and humiliated and the last thing I wanted to see was people I knew. Sure, I knew they'd still love me and embrace me regardless, but I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle the looks of symapthy, the awkward greetings, the hugs of sorrow, and the self-imposed thoughts of what others were thinking. So I sat at home alone last year while my family continued this tradition without me. My heart broke and I cried about not going. Because as much as I didn't want to be there, every bit of me wanted to be there.
The good thing about annual traditions is that they come back around the next year. A few weeks ago, my grandparents mentioned that tickets were on sale for the dinner theatre. I just had to go this year. But as this event drew closer, I'll be honest and say that anxiety grew as well. Because a lot has changed in my life over the past year. Not many people have seen what all has transpired. Some have heard, some have no clue. And let me just tell you, it's really hard to walk into a room of people whom you know, people who've watched you grow up your entire life, and be able hold your head high all the while feeling as if you've let them down. Feeling as if you are receiving disapproving looks while they whisper to one another. And so I'll just say I was scared. As much as I was looking forward to partaking in this tradition, especially since I missed it last year, I was a little terrified. Silly, isn't?
But I've had to learn to be brave. To quit allowing fear to rule my life. And, until fear is confronted, you'll never get past it. And so it was time. Time to quit hiding. Time to emerge and hold my head high. Time to wipe away the shame and humiliation and go home. To return to my roots. To the place that has molded me into the person I am today. I saw a lot of people I knew. In fact, I could probably name 80% of the room and tell you quite a bit about each one. I didn't talk to everyone. I didn't make the rounds like I probably would in usual Brittnye style. Because, for the first time ever, I was uncomfortable in my own comfort zone. But slowly and surely familiar faces said hello. Genuine hugs were given and my nerves began to ease. It wasn't bad. Not bad at all. And we had a lovely evening. Good food, a good message, and I was really thankful that I finally took the step to go home.
The show wrapped up and, per tradition, we all held hands and sang Silent Night. This is, by far, my most favorite thing. This is one of those moments I always hold dear to my heart and will be something I'll cherish forever. Holding the hands of the people I love so dearly, in a dark room, and our praises rose to Him. I could hear my grandad's deep voice, my mother's beautiful alto voice, mixing in with the other voices, harmonizing and bringing praise to our King and my heart was so full. Peace washed over me and I was grateful to be there. Grateful to be back home.
I'm thankful for that silent night when He came. For the night when peace entered this earth. And I'm thankful that last year, when I didn't understand, when I sat at home in the silence, when I wasn't there to hold hands and sing His praises with the people I love, His peace accompanied me right where I was. I'm thankful that His peace didn't just show up at Christmas, but stayed with me day after day after day. And I praise Him that this year, He gave me another opportunity to to experience His peace by giving me the courage to go back home so I could stand at a table with the ones I love most, hold their hands, and pick back up with a tradition we started 14 years ago.
#330 - Because He is peace.
"Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” - Luke 1:78-79
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." - John 14:27
The good thing about annual traditions is that they come back around the next year. A few weeks ago, my grandparents mentioned that tickets were on sale for the dinner theatre. I just had to go this year. But as this event drew closer, I'll be honest and say that anxiety grew as well. Because a lot has changed in my life over the past year. Not many people have seen what all has transpired. Some have heard, some have no clue. And let me just tell you, it's really hard to walk into a room of people whom you know, people who've watched you grow up your entire life, and be able hold your head high all the while feeling as if you've let them down. Feeling as if you are receiving disapproving looks while they whisper to one another. And so I'll just say I was scared. As much as I was looking forward to partaking in this tradition, especially since I missed it last year, I was a little terrified. Silly, isn't?
But I've had to learn to be brave. To quit allowing fear to rule my life. And, until fear is confronted, you'll never get past it. And so it was time. Time to quit hiding. Time to emerge and hold my head high. Time to wipe away the shame and humiliation and go home. To return to my roots. To the place that has molded me into the person I am today. I saw a lot of people I knew. In fact, I could probably name 80% of the room and tell you quite a bit about each one. I didn't talk to everyone. I didn't make the rounds like I probably would in usual Brittnye style. Because, for the first time ever, I was uncomfortable in my own comfort zone. But slowly and surely familiar faces said hello. Genuine hugs were given and my nerves began to ease. It wasn't bad. Not bad at all. And we had a lovely evening. Good food, a good message, and I was really thankful that I finally took the step to go home.
The show wrapped up and, per tradition, we all held hands and sang Silent Night. This is, by far, my most favorite thing. This is one of those moments I always hold dear to my heart and will be something I'll cherish forever. Holding the hands of the people I love so dearly, in a dark room, and our praises rose to Him. I could hear my grandad's deep voice, my mother's beautiful alto voice, mixing in with the other voices, harmonizing and bringing praise to our King and my heart was so full. Peace washed over me and I was grateful to be there. Grateful to be back home.
I'm thankful for that silent night when He came. For the night when peace entered this earth. And I'm thankful that last year, when I didn't understand, when I sat at home in the silence, when I wasn't there to hold hands and sing His praises with the people I love, His peace accompanied me right where I was. I'm thankful that His peace didn't just show up at Christmas, but stayed with me day after day after day. And I praise Him that this year, He gave me another opportunity to to experience His peace by giving me the courage to go back home so I could stand at a table with the ones I love most, hold their hands, and pick back up with a tradition we started 14 years ago.
#330 - Because He is peace.
"Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” - Luke 1:78-79
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." - John 14:27
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