Reason #844
I've had a hard time praying lately. There is so much I want and need to get off my chest, and yet I don't know what to say. Because, the truth is, I kind of feel bad and selfish about the things I want to ask of God. Like maybe I'm being prideful or self-centered to make such requests, and this has proved to be a challenge.
I shared this with my mom the other day, as she noted my comment about being at my wits end. She said, "I don't know what to do for you or how to help you out." Yet the more we talked and the more I shared, God was faithful to grant her the wisdom to tell me exactly what I needed to hear, and I am always grateful for how God speaks through His people.
I forget that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In fact, I don't only forget it, I often choose not to believe it. I choose to believe the bad things about myself. I take a deep look at myself and I really wonder how God could be pleased with me, and I certainly am not sure if I am really that "useable" or will ever be. Because I look at myself and I see someone who is so type-A that it's kind of ridiculous. Someone who has a hard time letting things go because it's impossible for her to forget anything. Someone who is so conscious of everything... all... the... time. Who keeps continuous track of where every penny is spent and is always thinking in terms of dollar signs. Who is such a planner and so matter of fact that "going with the flow" is impossibly hard for her. One who enjoys responsibility and appreciates challenges. A girl who has convictions that are so high that she often seems uptight. One who pretty much sees the world in black and white and is terrified of the gray. A girl who plays by the rules in every possible way because she couldn't sleep at night if she didn't. A conscious that is always reminding her of every mistake, a perfectionist that can be relentless in her pursuit of perfection, and a heart who desires to be everything to everyone but realizes how often she falls short.
And so I see these things in myself and I think about how I need to change them. I think about how I need to just "chill" a little more. I think about how maybe I need to try and squelch who God made me to be because that girl, the one I just described, sounds like a complete bore. Who would want to hang around her, right? Who would want to spend their time with a goody-two-shoes, type-A, perfectionist who always sticks to the plan without wavering? Maybe if I traded in my God given talents, attributes, desires, and personality for ones that seemed more popular and cool, I'd find more success.
But my mom gently reminded me that I was wrong. That I wasn't seeing truth, I was believing lies. Because I am not a mistake. God didn't mess up and accidentally give me the abilities, talents, gifts, and personality that I have. It was completely intentional. God blessed me with financial sense. He gave me the ability to be a planner and organizer. He blessed me with an outgoing personality for a reason. He has placed the convictions I have on my heart for a reason. He has formed and shaped my thoughts and outlook to be more like His. And rather than looking at my life and trying to change these things, rather than viewing them as bad things that I needed to suppress, she encouraged me to embrace them. To thank God for making me, me. To thank Him for it all and ask Him how He wanted me to use it to glorify Him. Because there's a reason I am the way I am, and God knows full well why that is.
And so maybe, like me, you need to be grateful for who you are. For how God made you. For the gifts, talents, and abilities that He has given you. There's a purpose and a reason for it. I was reminded of Ann Voskamp's revelation that "thanksgiving precedes the miracle," and I am choosing to believe that when we thank God for what He has done in us, we'll be amazed at the miraculous things He does with us.
#844 - Because we were intentionally made, not mistakenly made.
"Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!" - Psalm 139:14
I shared this with my mom the other day, as she noted my comment about being at my wits end. She said, "I don't know what to do for you or how to help you out." Yet the more we talked and the more I shared, God was faithful to grant her the wisdom to tell me exactly what I needed to hear, and I am always grateful for how God speaks through His people.
I forget that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In fact, I don't only forget it, I often choose not to believe it. I choose to believe the bad things about myself. I take a deep look at myself and I really wonder how God could be pleased with me, and I certainly am not sure if I am really that "useable" or will ever be. Because I look at myself and I see someone who is so type-A that it's kind of ridiculous. Someone who has a hard time letting things go because it's impossible for her to forget anything. Someone who is so conscious of everything... all... the... time. Who keeps continuous track of where every penny is spent and is always thinking in terms of dollar signs. Who is such a planner and so matter of fact that "going with the flow" is impossibly hard for her. One who enjoys responsibility and appreciates challenges. A girl who has convictions that are so high that she often seems uptight. One who pretty much sees the world in black and white and is terrified of the gray. A girl who plays by the rules in every possible way because she couldn't sleep at night if she didn't. A conscious that is always reminding her of every mistake, a perfectionist that can be relentless in her pursuit of perfection, and a heart who desires to be everything to everyone but realizes how often she falls short.
And so I see these things in myself and I think about how I need to change them. I think about how I need to just "chill" a little more. I think about how maybe I need to try and squelch who God made me to be because that girl, the one I just described, sounds like a complete bore. Who would want to hang around her, right? Who would want to spend their time with a goody-two-shoes, type-A, perfectionist who always sticks to the plan without wavering? Maybe if I traded in my God given talents, attributes, desires, and personality for ones that seemed more popular and cool, I'd find more success.
But my mom gently reminded me that I was wrong. That I wasn't seeing truth, I was believing lies. Because I am not a mistake. God didn't mess up and accidentally give me the abilities, talents, gifts, and personality that I have. It was completely intentional. God blessed me with financial sense. He gave me the ability to be a planner and organizer. He blessed me with an outgoing personality for a reason. He has placed the convictions I have on my heart for a reason. He has formed and shaped my thoughts and outlook to be more like His. And rather than looking at my life and trying to change these things, rather than viewing them as bad things that I needed to suppress, she encouraged me to embrace them. To thank God for making me, me. To thank Him for it all and ask Him how He wanted me to use it to glorify Him. Because there's a reason I am the way I am, and God knows full well why that is.
And so maybe, like me, you need to be grateful for who you are. For how God made you. For the gifts, talents, and abilities that He has given you. There's a purpose and a reason for it. I was reminded of Ann Voskamp's revelation that "thanksgiving precedes the miracle," and I am choosing to believe that when we thank God for what He has done in us, we'll be amazed at the miraculous things He does with us.
#844 - Because we were intentionally made, not mistakenly made.
"Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!" - Psalm 139:14
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