Reason #401

Supposedly, dreams only last for mere seconds. And the more tired you are, the more exhausted your body and mind, the more intense the dream, supposedly. I dream all the time. In color, in detail, and I remember them. They seem real. And it's interesting how a dream, something completey made up by your mind, something that's not even real, can have such an effect on you. It's interesting the thoughts that flow through your mind when you have no control. And so, after one hour and fifteen minutes of unconsciousness today, I woke up fighting tears and gasping for breath.

 

I came home from church looking forward to a Sunday afternoon nap. I love naps. I rarely take them because I usually over sleep too long and throw off my internal clock. I quickly ate lunch, grabbed a blanket, and curled up on the couch with Scout. The next thing I knew, I was in the middle of what I'd like to call a "nap-mare." It was horrifying. My worst fear was playing out before my very eyes. All of the sudden huge amounts of pain, hurt, and shock came flooding back. A rush of feelings that seemed rational given the situation yet completely unnecessary as this would never be a true reality. But my heart began to pound, my head was spinning, and I was in a total state of confusion. At a loss of what to do and all I could think was, "How can this be happening? I can't face this again." I struggled to breathe, to catch my breath, and as I tried to grasp it with my mind, I heard it. Being pulled from this terrifying act, my alarm clock was saving me. The sound of rescue. And as my eyes popped open, a huge breath of air filled my lungs and I laid there ever so still trying to figure out what had just happened. It was only a dream, a terrible nap-mare. I breathed out a sigh of relief.

 

It wasn't real. It was scary, but it wasn't real. And that's what I hate yet love most about dreams, they aren't real. I'd like to do away with dreams. I'd like for my subconscious to sleep when I do. To turn off when I'm not in complete control. But I think we learn a lot from dreams, and I think dreams lead us to confront things that maybe we've avoided. Things we've pushed down and thought we dealt with yet they've remaind tucked away in the back of our minds. And so the fear rises when our guard is down, playing the role that scares you the most. Taking advantage of your vulnerability, fear grabs hold of those weak spots and uses them against you in the worst way.

 

I'm not too scared of many things. In fact, I've actually learned to become more brave than I used to be. I've successfully overcome living alone and killing bugs, two large feats for me. But there is a fear that was tucked far away. Because here's the truth, I've protected myself well. I've built up walls to keep me safe making sure nothing else bad happens to me. I realize I can't control everything, but I do what I can and so far it has worked. However, a time has come where walls have had to be taken down. And fear, seeing this, has taken the opportunity to attack. Fear has taken on the responsibility of planting thoughts into my head that didn't exist until today. And fear hit me hard this afternoon. When I was least expecting it, fear threw a punch that I didn't see coming.

 

And so I drove to church tonight unsure of how I felt. I tried to talk sense into myself. I tried to organize my emotions. I tried to rationalize and remind myself that this was a made up scenario that will never happen. I walked in, sat down, and began to sing.

 

"There's no end to your love.

There's no end to your love.

You're with us.

You're with us.

There's nothing in this world that could take you away.

You're with us.

You're with us."

 

And I realized why I was so scared. I'm afraid of loss. I'm afraid of things being taken away from me. Things I love and hold dear, that I care deeply about, that I so desperately want and need, and I want to keep them forever. I don't want there to be an end. I don't want to lose them. And so I sang these words over and over and I was reminded of His love. That's the thing, there's no end to it. It can't be taken away. Nothing can remove it from our posession. He is with us. Ever present. He will not abandon us, He will not neglect us or throw us to the side. He is not going to trade us in or move on to the next best thing. He's staying right with us, always. And that's perfect love right there, the kind that drives out all fear. And when we realize that's the kind of love we're dealing with, we can put nap-mares and fears where they belong. Far from our minds and our hearts, they have no place because love resides there, and love doesn't make room for that kind of stuff.

 

He spoke to my fears. Many times tonight, He took the opportunity to calm them. To remind me that I have nothing to be afraid of. I'm not alone. I never was. Ends may come, but this here, there is no end. Forever. With me, forever.

 

#401 - Because I can't lose His love.

"For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”- Zephaniah 3:17