Reason #69
Once again, I am at a loss of words to write tonight. I know what I want to write about, I just don't know that there are words adequate enough to describe it. I will give it my best shot.
I went to Paradigm tonight for the first time in quite some time. Paradigm is a service held at my home church for college students. One of my favorite things about going to Paradigm is the worship music. It's incredible. And as I stood there worshiping him tonight, I felt his presence wash over me. We sang a song, and I don't remember all of the words but I remember repeating the words, "I will not be afraid."
Afraid. Oh, how easy it is to be scared. There's a lot I'm scared of. Some things big, some things small. Some fears have subsided with age and some have changed over time. Believe me, I've done my fair share of being scared. But why would we be afraid of God? Why would we even sing those words to him?
And it hit me. As the words poured from my lips, fear rose in my heart. Not because I'm scared of Him, but because of who He is. I am standing in front of the Lord, God Almighty bearing my soul. I am singing with all that is in me to the one who sees my innermost being. I can't hide a thing from him. He sees it, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the things I try to cover up. I am pouring out my heart to the one who knit me and every living, breathing creature together, to the one who knows me better than myself, and knowing that my praise isn't sufficient but hoping that it is pleasing to him. I found myself in a state of total vulnerability, a scary place to be.
This isn't this first time I've been there with him either. I've stood before Him clinging desperately, with all pride laid aside. And it was scary. I've stood before Him pleading my case with a broken heart hoping for a change. And it was scary. I've stood before Him confessing my most embarrassing sins. Things I wished I didn't have to tell him. And it was scary. I've stood before Him and laid down my desires and gave up my control. And it was scary. I stood before Him and I said "Here, this is yours. You take it." And it was scary.
But tonight, I stood trembling in fear because He continues to allow me to stand His presence. The God who fills my lungs with breath. The God who is all powerful, all knowing. The God who formed the entire universe and holds it in his hands. The God who knows me inside and out. A God who shouldn't even allow me near Him but does. A God who is so mighty, so incredible, so beautiful, that I just stand there awestruck and a little afraid because I am so insignificant, so small. A girl full of flesh. A girl made of dust. A girl who depends on Him for her every breath. But He doesn't take advantage of that vulnerability. No, He welcomes me in. He lets me stand there, and He paralyzes me with His presence. I don't want to move. I want to stay there, hands lifted, heart open and trembling.
And I realize that no matter how scary it is, it's right where I want to be. Vulnerable, open, honest, because He meets me there and it's so worth it.
#69 - getting to experience the power of His presence!
"Serve the Lord with reverent fear, and rejoice with trembling." - Psalm 2:11
I went to Paradigm tonight for the first time in quite some time. Paradigm is a service held at my home church for college students. One of my favorite things about going to Paradigm is the worship music. It's incredible. And as I stood there worshiping him tonight, I felt his presence wash over me. We sang a song, and I don't remember all of the words but I remember repeating the words, "I will not be afraid."
Afraid. Oh, how easy it is to be scared. There's a lot I'm scared of. Some things big, some things small. Some fears have subsided with age and some have changed over time. Believe me, I've done my fair share of being scared. But why would we be afraid of God? Why would we even sing those words to him?
And it hit me. As the words poured from my lips, fear rose in my heart. Not because I'm scared of Him, but because of who He is. I am standing in front of the Lord, God Almighty bearing my soul. I am singing with all that is in me to the one who sees my innermost being. I can't hide a thing from him. He sees it, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the things I try to cover up. I am pouring out my heart to the one who knit me and every living, breathing creature together, to the one who knows me better than myself, and knowing that my praise isn't sufficient but hoping that it is pleasing to him. I found myself in a state of total vulnerability, a scary place to be.
This isn't this first time I've been there with him either. I've stood before Him clinging desperately, with all pride laid aside. And it was scary. I've stood before Him pleading my case with a broken heart hoping for a change. And it was scary. I've stood before Him confessing my most embarrassing sins. Things I wished I didn't have to tell him. And it was scary. I've stood before Him and laid down my desires and gave up my control. And it was scary. I stood before Him and I said "Here, this is yours. You take it." And it was scary.
But tonight, I stood trembling in fear because He continues to allow me to stand His presence. The God who fills my lungs with breath. The God who is all powerful, all knowing. The God who formed the entire universe and holds it in his hands. The God who knows me inside and out. A God who shouldn't even allow me near Him but does. A God who is so mighty, so incredible, so beautiful, that I just stand there awestruck and a little afraid because I am so insignificant, so small. A girl full of flesh. A girl made of dust. A girl who depends on Him for her every breath. But He doesn't take advantage of that vulnerability. No, He welcomes me in. He lets me stand there, and He paralyzes me with His presence. I don't want to move. I want to stay there, hands lifted, heart open and trembling.
And I realize that no matter how scary it is, it's right where I want to be. Vulnerable, open, honest, because He meets me there and it's so worth it.
#69 - getting to experience the power of His presence!
"Serve the Lord with reverent fear, and rejoice with trembling." - Psalm 2:11
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