Reason #262
"My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you, because you have redeemed me." - Psalm 71:23
I woke up today to the sound of a text message on my phone. My dad, thinking of me this morning. Checking on his daughter because he knew today's date. Before I stepped into the shower, another text came through with the verse above. My mom, reminding me of what today was. So, welcome October. I am glad you're here. I've been looking forward to you for a while now.
One year. It has been a full year. A year jam packed with every emotion one could feel. I've been at the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. And I've learned a lot this year. Most of all, I've learned what love looks like. I've seen it exemplified and manifested in so many forms. I've experienced love in a way like never before, and I've come to know how dearly loved I am.
My world has been redefined over the past year. My faith has been stretched until I thought it couldn't possibly stretch any more. My thought process has been changed and transformed. My life has been rearranged. And so I let a lot of things define me. I let circumstances and choices decide my worth. I let situations and decisions label me, and, at the risk of being completely and honestly vulnerable, this is what I came up with.
"My name is Brittnye. I have failed and fallen short. I do not deserve good things because I am scarred. I am ashamed because of the things I have been through. I am broken and unworthy."
Depressing, I know. But this is how I felt. This is what I thought of me. And so my thoughts and perspectives were redefined by my fleshly views. My ideas and notions were completely wrong. God is good, and God is truth. And so, out of love, He responded to me in truth. God's love is deep, God's love is wide, God's love is unfathomable and He wasn't about to allow me to believe anything other than the truth. He began pulling me out of my little shell. Slowly but surely He began to challenge me and confront me with truth. Honestly, it was easier for me to believe these things about myself. I was more comfortable viewing myself in this manner rather than how He viewed me. But I knew this was wrong. I knew these were lies. And so I began to ask that He open my eyes to see me the way He saw me rather than the way I saw me.
I've learned a lot about God's love. I always knew God loved me. I knew He cared about me. But, to be transparent, I never really sought it out. I never really accepted it fully and completely. And as I started praying about viewing myself through the lens of truth, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to see myself any differently until I realized how much He loved me. Until I could completely rest in the fact that I am loved no matter what, that there is nothing I can do to change His love for me, that I never did anything to deserve His love in the first place, that it wasn't contingent on my thoughts, actions or circumstances, I wasn't ever going to be able to see myself in a different light.
It's hard. It's hard to spill your guts when you feel so embarrassed, ashamed and unworthy. It's hard to go before one who is perfect and flawless and admit that you're imperfect and flawed. It's scary to admit the deep, dark pain because what if it changes things. What if expressing your true feelings creates a barrier that you can't cross? And what if it changes minds? What happens if you present yourself in such a vulnerable manner only to find out that you've set yourself up to be attacked? No one likes to be exposed, and everyone likes to be accepted. No one enjoys taking down their guard.
This was my guard. I didn't realize it for a long time, but that is what my guard was composed of. And so God taught me. In a way that I didn't see coming, He taught me exactly what He thought of me when I finally let my guard down. This is how it went.
"You're right, you've been through a lot. You've walked through some difficult circumstances. I can see how you might feel that way. Yea, you've got some scars, but I care more about you that what you've been through. I love you...you. And when I think about you, I think about you. When you come to mind, you come to mind. I don't think of you in the context of your circumstances. I don't think of you in relation to the road you've walked down. When I look at you, I see you. I don't see your past. I don't see what you see. You, that's what I love more than anything... I love you."
And so love has been redefined for me. My world, which was turned upside down, has been turned right-side up. And I shout for joy because I have been redeemed. I am transformed, I am renewed, I am healed, I am spotless, I am treasured, I am worthy, and most of all, I am dearly, dearly loved.
#262 - Because I am dearly loved.
"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." - Ephesians 1:4
I woke up today to the sound of a text message on my phone. My dad, thinking of me this morning. Checking on his daughter because he knew today's date. Before I stepped into the shower, another text came through with the verse above. My mom, reminding me of what today was. So, welcome October. I am glad you're here. I've been looking forward to you for a while now.
One year. It has been a full year. A year jam packed with every emotion one could feel. I've been at the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. And I've learned a lot this year. Most of all, I've learned what love looks like. I've seen it exemplified and manifested in so many forms. I've experienced love in a way like never before, and I've come to know how dearly loved I am.
My world has been redefined over the past year. My faith has been stretched until I thought it couldn't possibly stretch any more. My thought process has been changed and transformed. My life has been rearranged. And so I let a lot of things define me. I let circumstances and choices decide my worth. I let situations and decisions label me, and, at the risk of being completely and honestly vulnerable, this is what I came up with.
"My name is Brittnye. I have failed and fallen short. I do not deserve good things because I am scarred. I am ashamed because of the things I have been through. I am broken and unworthy."
Depressing, I know. But this is how I felt. This is what I thought of me. And so my thoughts and perspectives were redefined by my fleshly views. My ideas and notions were completely wrong. God is good, and God is truth. And so, out of love, He responded to me in truth. God's love is deep, God's love is wide, God's love is unfathomable and He wasn't about to allow me to believe anything other than the truth. He began pulling me out of my little shell. Slowly but surely He began to challenge me and confront me with truth. Honestly, it was easier for me to believe these things about myself. I was more comfortable viewing myself in this manner rather than how He viewed me. But I knew this was wrong. I knew these were lies. And so I began to ask that He open my eyes to see me the way He saw me rather than the way I saw me.
I've learned a lot about God's love. I always knew God loved me. I knew He cared about me. But, to be transparent, I never really sought it out. I never really accepted it fully and completely. And as I started praying about viewing myself through the lens of truth, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to see myself any differently until I realized how much He loved me. Until I could completely rest in the fact that I am loved no matter what, that there is nothing I can do to change His love for me, that I never did anything to deserve His love in the first place, that it wasn't contingent on my thoughts, actions or circumstances, I wasn't ever going to be able to see myself in a different light.
It's hard. It's hard to spill your guts when you feel so embarrassed, ashamed and unworthy. It's hard to go before one who is perfect and flawless and admit that you're imperfect and flawed. It's scary to admit the deep, dark pain because what if it changes things. What if expressing your true feelings creates a barrier that you can't cross? And what if it changes minds? What happens if you present yourself in such a vulnerable manner only to find out that you've set yourself up to be attacked? No one likes to be exposed, and everyone likes to be accepted. No one enjoys taking down their guard.
This was my guard. I didn't realize it for a long time, but that is what my guard was composed of. And so God taught me. In a way that I didn't see coming, He taught me exactly what He thought of me when I finally let my guard down. This is how it went.
"You're right, you've been through a lot. You've walked through some difficult circumstances. I can see how you might feel that way. Yea, you've got some scars, but I care more about you that what you've been through. I love you...you. And when I think about you, I think about you. When you come to mind, you come to mind. I don't think of you in the context of your circumstances. I don't think of you in relation to the road you've walked down. When I look at you, I see you. I don't see your past. I don't see what you see. You, that's what I love more than anything... I love you."
And so love has been redefined for me. My world, which was turned upside down, has been turned right-side up. And I shout for joy because I have been redeemed. I am transformed, I am renewed, I am healed, I am spotless, I am treasured, I am worthy, and most of all, I am dearly, dearly loved.
#262 - Because I am dearly loved.
"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." - Ephesians 1:4
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