Reason #211
I went to Red Mango with my parents tonight, one of my absolute favorite places! A delicious and somewhat healthy treat (or so I tell myself). It was late, and as we drove back down 82nd Street to their house, my dad rolled the car window down. The warm, refreshing August evening air filled the car. It was perfect outside. Cool, but not cold, just right. And it was dark and starry. A peaceful night. And as the summer breeze blew in my face, I had a flashback.
I remembered driving down 82nd Street in the fall headed to my parents' house. It wasn't late but it was already dark outside. It was cold, and no refreshing breeze blew in my face but rather the heater on its highest setting. This had become a nightly occurence for me. I would go over for dinner and watch them eat, occasionally taking a few bites if my stomach knots weren't too tight. It was the beginning of the holiday seaons, seasons I usually look forward to, but not this time. It was fall and I was falling hard. Stuck in darkness and not sure if I would ever see a light at the end of the tunnel. And although I was giving it my all and failing miserably, although I was pulling out all stops and trying my hardest, it just didn't seem to matter. But I had this weird peace that accompanied me. This strange calm in the midst of the storm. Of course, the saddness was ever present, but I just kept trusting that somehow, someway this would all be behind me eventually and good would come. It had to, surely.
And so memories began to build. Memories last for a lifetime, and I already had plenty that were bringing me sorrow. I was missing out on so much it seemed. Having plans and not getting to participate. And when I did participate, it didn't really seem all that enjoyable anyway. But I was really trying. Trying to not drown in misery, trying to find enjoyment in what little I could, trying to make the most of these memory replacing attempts.
However, the brain doesn't forget. Wired in all of its complexity, it doesn't erase on command. But as I had this flashback tonight, my heart swelled because what was a dark memory, what was a painful time, created a perfect setting for joy. Joy because I realized, once again, how compassionate our God is. Joy because I could look back and see how faithfully and gently He carried me through each season. Through the darkness of fall and into the beauty of summer. And most of all, joy came because as I had this clear flashback, all I could think of was to praise Him. Sorrow was the farthest thing from my mind. And truthfully, it was as if I was given an opportunity tonight to start "memory-replacing." An opportunity to start creating new, sweet, precious memories and filling my mind with those. And although I fully realize my brain will never reset, I am grateful that I serve a God who is so intentional to fill the space with goodness, to overcome the negative with the positive, and to remind me over and over again how much He loves me!
#211 - Because He gives me memory-replacing opportunities!
"But then I recall all you have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. They are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works." - Psalm 77:11-12
I remembered driving down 82nd Street in the fall headed to my parents' house. It wasn't late but it was already dark outside. It was cold, and no refreshing breeze blew in my face but rather the heater on its highest setting. This had become a nightly occurence for me. I would go over for dinner and watch them eat, occasionally taking a few bites if my stomach knots weren't too tight. It was the beginning of the holiday seaons, seasons I usually look forward to, but not this time. It was fall and I was falling hard. Stuck in darkness and not sure if I would ever see a light at the end of the tunnel. And although I was giving it my all and failing miserably, although I was pulling out all stops and trying my hardest, it just didn't seem to matter. But I had this weird peace that accompanied me. This strange calm in the midst of the storm. Of course, the saddness was ever present, but I just kept trusting that somehow, someway this would all be behind me eventually and good would come. It had to, surely.
And so memories began to build. Memories last for a lifetime, and I already had plenty that were bringing me sorrow. I was missing out on so much it seemed. Having plans and not getting to participate. And when I did participate, it didn't really seem all that enjoyable anyway. But I was really trying. Trying to not drown in misery, trying to find enjoyment in what little I could, trying to make the most of these memory replacing attempts.
However, the brain doesn't forget. Wired in all of its complexity, it doesn't erase on command. But as I had this flashback tonight, my heart swelled because what was a dark memory, what was a painful time, created a perfect setting for joy. Joy because I realized, once again, how compassionate our God is. Joy because I could look back and see how faithfully and gently He carried me through each season. Through the darkness of fall and into the beauty of summer. And most of all, joy came because as I had this clear flashback, all I could think of was to praise Him. Sorrow was the farthest thing from my mind. And truthfully, it was as if I was given an opportunity tonight to start "memory-replacing." An opportunity to start creating new, sweet, precious memories and filling my mind with those. And although I fully realize my brain will never reset, I am grateful that I serve a God who is so intentional to fill the space with goodness, to overcome the negative with the positive, and to remind me over and over again how much He loves me!
#211 - Because He gives me memory-replacing opportunities!
"But then I recall all you have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. They are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works." - Psalm 77:11-12
Comments
Post a Comment